Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
The chaos it's never ending. Do protect yourself. I am too tired to write anything more sesible then this. I just want you to know I am here and I am with you Copa.
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sam thank you. first said, i agree.
how is your mother, sam?
how do you do what you describe? first the concept and then howbto implement it. operationalize it.
first there is the issue of attribution.
i am ascribing intent to harm where there may be none. i can see it. and i am (with his help) by partcipating with him to insert myself into the effect a of what happens or could.
he is like a climate denier and i am the sierra club. the former sees only a lot of storms. the latter (me) sees a million ways to take responsibility to intervene.
there is a helplessness here. that i have a way to reverse. by locating power and focus in myself and letting him do the same.
i cannot control his stance to his microclimate. yet i put myself in a situation where i am buffeted by it. in ways we all know.
i cannot sleep through the night.i have nightmares. etceteta. i ruminate over what next.
i know this is unsustainable for him unless he decides to sustain it. but it is clearly unsustainable for me.
But reducing the expectation gap has added to my happiness and, really, to my regard of everyone.
Copa I so wish I knew if I figure it out I promise to take you with me!to threaten to renege on the deal, to go to the street, when he knew all the while he had another means to get the money, that is cruel. and all the while, he must have known he was going to pay the rent. what does it serve in him to put me through agony? i have to face i go there myself. that i can resist. i can stay in myself when he calls. if i learn how.
i know i have to find some way to be emotionally insulated. to not abandon myself. to tie myself to the mast.
the ball is in his court. he has an ongoing way to pay the rent. his monthly payment covers it. he has work if he is open to it. he has enough money left over to eat. he has access to all the services in the world. he has a peer group. he has friends. there is a college nearby. he could go free.
if this stabilty is worth anything to him he will maintain it. i believe it is worth it to him. the first thing he said is: mom. i'm sorry. i'm stable.
the problem is: i am not.
now it is time for me to locate myself in me. the question is, how?
thank you everybody.