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the ball is in his court??
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 720309" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>hi sam.</p><p></p><p>coincidentally i was just now reading your 2015 thread and re-reading your madness thread. felt i wanted to understand better your son.</p><p></p><p>you are not hijacking my thread. perish the thought. this endeavor is part process, part modeling, part conversation, part soothing and hand-holding and part parallel play! </p><p></p><p>i do not know if i fully agree with your comment. let me explain. (that there is a demonstrable and palpable turning point.) i think it is a spiral for many of us.</p><p></p><p>when your kid got out of rehab you felt, i think, there had been qualitative change. you were uncertain and anxious, but you voiced tentative optimism.</p><p></p><p>just now i was thinking--why???? in my son's life there are real reasons. his first 22 months were horrible. then at 19 he was presented with the reality, until then, unknown, that his mother at birth (not me) had transmitted to him a potentially fatal disease. said disease worsenned at age 21.</p><p></p><p>after that he felt toxic. felt self-hatred. he hated her for using drugs.</p><p></p><p>so. this is my point.</p><p></p><p>your son sounds strong. cagey and manipulative and deceptive perhaps but strong. he sounds a bit full of himself. like he needs to be tamed by life a bit. very intelligent. a leader. capable. did you know that the male brain does not mature for many until age 27 or 28? i have confidence he will learn. become a bit humble. and fly right.</p><p></p><p>looking at your situation i very much understand and empathize with how you are handling this.</p><p></p><p>my son called while i was typing this. i think he feels cornered. his friend is pressuring him to take the apartment and he is trying to get me to not give him money for the deposit. because like i said. he fears the commitment and reaponsibility.</p><p></p><p>i got the sense he might go forward with it but m thinks not. i was clear that coming home would be something he would have to earn through demonstrable and sustained deeds. not for safe harbor and avoidance. the easy way out. but asked him. why would you want to. your opportunities are not here at present.</p><p></p><p>what i was tring to say is that these guys are working out their lives in real time. all of this. the fits and starts mean something. while we are dissolving--they are doing some kind of psychic work. i believe that.</p><p></p><p>the key as you keep saying is staying with them. but at a distance. so there is conversation and counsel but we are not doing it for them or insulating them from the learning. the suffering. </p><p></p><p>yes. i do agree that he is too much in my head and i am too much in his. if i said he is my everything would you scorn me? </p><p></p><p>there was a song years ago. i forget the singers name. my first. my last. my everything.</p><p></p><p>barry white. what a great song.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 720309, member: 18958"] hi sam. coincidentally i was just now reading your 2015 thread and re-reading your madness thread. felt i wanted to understand better your son. you are not hijacking my thread. perish the thought. this endeavor is part process, part modeling, part conversation, part soothing and hand-holding and part parallel play! i do not know if i fully agree with your comment. let me explain. (that there is a demonstrable and palpable turning point.) i think it is a spiral for many of us. when your kid got out of rehab you felt, i think, there had been qualitative change. you were uncertain and anxious, but you voiced tentative optimism. just now i was thinking--why???? in my son's life there are real reasons. his first 22 months were horrible. then at 19 he was presented with the reality, until then, unknown, that his mother at birth (not me) had transmitted to him a potentially fatal disease. said disease worsenned at age 21. after that he felt toxic. felt self-hatred. he hated her for using drugs. so. this is my point. your son sounds strong. cagey and manipulative and deceptive perhaps but strong. he sounds a bit full of himself. like he needs to be tamed by life a bit. very intelligent. a leader. capable. did you know that the male brain does not mature for many until age 27 or 28? i have confidence he will learn. become a bit humble. and fly right. looking at your situation i very much understand and empathize with how you are handling this. my son called while i was typing this. i think he feels cornered. his friend is pressuring him to take the apartment and he is trying to get me to not give him money for the deposit. because like i said. he fears the commitment and reaponsibility. i got the sense he might go forward with it but m thinks not. i was clear that coming home would be something he would have to earn through demonstrable and sustained deeds. not for safe harbor and avoidance. the easy way out. but asked him. why would you want to. your opportunities are not here at present. what i was tring to say is that these guys are working out their lives in real time. all of this. the fits and starts mean something. while we are dissolving--they are doing some kind of psychic work. i believe that. the key as you keep saying is staying with them. but at a distance. so there is conversation and counsel but we are not doing it for them or insulating them from the learning. the suffering. yes. i do agree that he is too much in my head and i am too much in his. if i said he is my everything would you scorn me? there was a song years ago. i forget the singers name. my first. my last. my everything. barry white. what a great song. [/QUOTE]
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