The bank, etc.

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by AmericanGirl, Apr 15, 2013.

  1. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    Went to the bank this morning about difficult child's $400 in ATM withdrawals with a $2 balance.

    Thankfully, I really am only an authorized user and have no liability for his actions. She said it would go to collections in 1-2 months and after a while, he would be prevented from opening up bank accounts anyway else.

    This part shocked me - I told her I blocked overdraft online this weekend. She said even if you have blocked it, that there is an option to override that at the ATM.

    Just sharing in case it helps anyone.

    Cancelled his cell phone. Goodbye $340 in early termination fees.

    Two places have called here asking him to come in for interviews. I messaged him in his new FB account. (We aren't friends). He wrote back today. Said he had an interview at one tomorrow. Was doing all he could. Then he expressed his rage at my choices of which clothing to bring him.

    I wrote back that I knew he was trying hard. Told him I loved him and I was already washing all his dirty things today. If he would message me a list, then I would get it together and meet him.

    I'm trying to find a peaceful detachment where I can be encouraging yet hold my ground.

    I don't think he has a phone because it took him a while to read those messages and he is usually constantly on FB on his old phone.

    Friends are calling, texting, etc. to check on me. I'm being courageous and asking for what I need (new neighbors' cell phones in case of emergency, call me every few days, if I start to isolate call me on it, etc.)

    Been crying a lot. Journalizing. Reading inspirational things.

    A part of me is glad he isn't here - he, the bad one. Then I feel guilty. But I realize it isn't my son - the 19 year old whom I adore but who is still a kid and thus, a pain - whom I want gone. It is the selfish, hateful lying addict.

    thanks for listening. Posting helps.
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Awww AG I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big understanding hug. I know how hard this is and you are so wise to try to find a peaceful way to disengage. I know you love the son that inside him, the boy you took care of when he was sick and helped with homework and dried his tears when he was sad. He is in there somewhere and hopefully someday you will see him again. Miracles happen every day. They get tired of living their life like that.

    You may need to help get him a cheap phone at some point, perhaps a prepaid, just so he can be in contact. Not to second guess but you could have perhaps just suspended his service until you decided what to do.

    Stay strong and keep coming here. We care about you.
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Posting does help, AG.

    If you find you can't stop thinking about everything that is happening (especially at night), the Serenity Prayer will help. You need to read it (or say it) until it helps.

    I am so sorry this is happening to you, and to your family.


  4. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    Hi Nancy,

    I understand your point and I thank you for your willingness to be totally honest with me. I need that. difficult child needs that.

    I may be wrong about the phone. Two thoughts:

    1. I've never taken it before (since all this rehab, sober house, etc. started) and I think he is the type who has to be all alone with nothing before he 'gets' it. This is the same kid who, for some unknown reason, has commented, "I don't need anything. I could be homeless." since he was 15 or so. That's just not normal.

    2. If, after I took it, I didn't find out that most the texts were about buying/selling/using, then I might have been inclined to return it. He is using it to find pot and to facilitate the sell of pot/adderalls/etc. So, I'm thinking the phone is an enabler.

    Again, I may be wrong. The final thing is that I won't be tempted to look at what he is or isn't doing. I didn't take it for that reason but it is a help to me. Plus there is zero guarantee he would answer my calls.

    I realize it will make finding work harder but I don't know what else to do. He told me he had a job but now it appears that may not be the case. If he came to me and asked for a phone, then that might be a different matter.

    I value your friendship and hope you understand my reply. I wanted to share my thought pattern to see if I missed something.
  5. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I undestand completely and in light of what you said I would have done the same. Please don't ever think I was second guessing you. You are the only one who knows the whole story. I support you all the way.

  6. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    I thought only that you were trying to help.

    I'm just tired. Not thinking clearly. Realized I hadn't eaten all day.

    But mainly, I'm terrified of making a mistake. I know I have to learn to live with that feeling.

    *Thanks again. :)
  7. Karenvm

    Karenvm Member

    AG, I think you are doing a great job. I like your term "peaceful detachment", and it seems like you are doing all you can to achieve that.
    I know you feel guilt, and sadness, missing your "old" son. I am right there with you, feeling the same way.
    This is so hard, but coming here and reading/posting makes me feel less alone.
    We are always here to listen.

  8. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    AG you will not make a mistake. You will do what you need to do to keep yourself safe and to show your son that you will support him in getting help but you won't enable him. I wish I could take the fear from you and yet I know I can't. But I can tell you that his life is his to live and there will come a time when you will not be as afraid, that you will love him and pray for him and hope that at some point in his future he changes. He is still so young, just like my difficult child. We all know here how resilient our difficult children are, they always bounce back.

    Use your support people, do whatever you can to stay busy. We love you.
  9. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    You most definitely need to do what is best for you. But, you know that....just wanted to let you know I was thinking of difficult child is the same age. I know it hurts...
  10. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member

    thank you PG. I feel the same about you. This isn't what we wanted for our children. Sending you peace, light and hugs.
  11. StressedM0mma

    StressedM0mma Active Member

    AG, I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this. You are in my thoughts as well as your difficult child. Please take care of yourself. Sending hugs.
  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    For what it is worth, I agree with you about taking away the phone. He was misusing it to buy drugs and that made you part of the drug purchase albeit in a completely innocent way.

    In fact, I am not a big fan of having any adult child on their parents' cell phone plan. We recently encouraged our easy child to get her own plan and she did. I think it is part of the symbolic act of becoming independent and taking care of your own wants and needs.

    If your difficult child wants a phone, he can find a cheap plan like Metro PCS (which is what my difficult child has had for years) or a prepaid minute phone.

    And, yes, it makes it harder to know what your difficult child is up to but that to me is a reason in and of itself for him to have his own plan. It is also the reason that I don't have a Facebook account. I don't want to be able to check up on my difficult child.

    I know that others on the board like to keep a lifeline to their difficult child through the phone or Facebook. I'm not saying that is wrong . . . it just wouldn't work for me. For me, out of sight is out of mind and that makes it much easier to detach.

  13. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    You're on my mind're you doing? :not_fair:
  14. AmericanGirl

    AmericanGirl Member


    i'm struggling today. Reality sinking in. Went to Alanon. Talked to a couple of friends.

    hope difficult child got the job he interviewed for today. When I drive, I look for him everywhere I go. Waiting on next disaster.

    i know that isn't good. Trying to push through.

    *thanks for asking.
  15. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm thinking of you today also AG. I know this is hard. If it helps at all when I was in the midst of my darkest days with difficult child all I could do was get through each day, hour by hour. Some days it was minute to minute. I literally had to force myself to do things. But what I found was that each day that went by was one day closer to feeling normal again, not great but just more normal.

    Keep reminding yourself that your difficult child chose this path and he can just as well choose to change it and if he does you will be there to help him. I don't think that the news is all bad with your son. He is looking for a job, the times you have seen him he wasn't strung out was he? I know he is making some bad choices but I have a lot of hope for him.

    Sending hugs and hoping you can get some rest tonight.

    Kathy I don't at all disagree with AG pulling the plug on her difficult child's phone once I understood he was using it for drug activities. But there is a huge difference between a easy child who is working full time in a career getting her own phone service and a 19 year old difficult child who doesn't even have a job. Gosh my 26 year old easy child is still on our plan because she could not afford her own plan for over $100 a month and she is a teacher, doesn't make much at all and I think it's a crime what they charge for cell phone service. Anyway I have been there done that with pulling the plug on difficult child's phone when she was doing drugs but in the end she needed a phone to line up jobs and call for rides. I have also been faced with whether to cancel the service or just suspend it and in the end I just suspended it because I knew I would at some point perhaps need to provide service for her and didn't want to pay the termination charge. AG I didn't mean to question your judgement on this issue, you did what you felt best at the time and I wholeheartedly support that. In the end paying for another phone for your difficult child at some point is the least of your worries.
    Last edited: Apr 16, 2013
  16. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I hope he went on the interview and hope he gets the job. It can't be overstated that a difficult child with a job is so critical.

    FWIW, I am praying for difficult child and all of our difficult child's who seem to be on the precipice lately.
  17. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    It takes courage to take action.

    Fear of making a mistake, whether by doing nothing or whether through taking action, stalks us either way.

    Good job :O)

  18. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    While I don't have all the experience from the same perspective as the rest of you, I do have a little insight on the phone thing.

    If he really wants a phone, he can get one for ten to twenty dollars at a store like Dollar General and he can get minutes very cheaply also. He clearly is getting money for pot so he clearly CAN come up with money to buy a phone. He does NOT need for you to provide it if he truly wants a job. It was totally reasonable to take the phone and seeing all the messages about drugs should reinforce that.

    This is only my perspective, but I think it is a valid point.
  19. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Your son can also get what they call those Obama phones. They really didnt just come out with Obama but they became more well known after he came into office. Most are known as Safelink or Assurance Wireless. You get 250 free minutes and 250 free texts per month.

    I probably wouldnt tell him. Im not telling Buck about this.

    Also I cant believe that they just ignore the block on no overdraft account. I dont have overdraft on my checking account and there is no way that they would just let me go into the red because they felt like it. If I dont have the money, my checks are returned and if I have more than 3 in a year, my account can be closed.
  20. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Whenever you start to second guess yourself, remember this...your first choice is usually your best choice. Just go with that one. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, I hope today is a little easier. hugs.