The Bathing Suit (by an unknown middle-age woman)

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Marg's Man, Jun 9, 2011.

  1. Marg's Man

    Marg's Man Member

    I showed this to Marg and she said "Do post this in WC..."

    Always happy to please you my dear...

    When I was a child in the 1950s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.
    Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.?

    The mature woman has a choice. She can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

    What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which gives the added bonus that if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

    I fought my way into the bathing suit, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place I gasped in horror.... my boobs had disappeared! Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit. It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

    The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full-view assessment.

    The bathing suit fitted all right, but unfortunately it only fitted those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

    As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

    I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

    I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

    I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning. I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

    Finally, I found a suit that fit, it was a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse- type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it. My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

    When I got it home, I found a label that read, "Material might become transparent in water."

    So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

    You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.
    Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain, with or without a bathing suit!
  2. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member

    I so understand this I had to go a bathing suit just the other day. I despise this fact so I RARELY wear a suit but one was needed to take Keyana to a small water park.So I sucked it up. I entered the local walmart which around here is the only place that sells anything in a 3 or 4x. However I missed the 4x's. Shoot. Well...the pants and shirts I have been buying lately have been a bit loose in a 4x so maybe...right? Sigh...pants arent bathing

    I did have the sense god gave a goose to buy a pack of shoe strings in case I needed to tie the up the

    I did look at two or three different suits and one was kinda prettier than the other plain black one but the plain one was $15 and the fancier one was $32 so I picked the plain one because I figure I probably wont wear this suit more than a couple of times. Lets just all be real. if I truly have to get a bathing suit for some real reason, Im getting on that really fits!
  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    :rofl: :rofl:

    I needed that laugh.

    But this is why I won't even dare look for a swim suit. No way. Not me.

    I haven't worn one in ohhh let's see.......Nichole was 6 soooo 16 yrs about? lol

    Between the way they're made.........and I totally agree with the rubberband part..........and the scars on my torso from endless surgeries..........nope. I'd probably traumatize someone.

    I'll stick to a tank top and shorts and wade up to my calves.
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    :whew:Marg's Man, I had to laugh because as I began reading, I was thinking you were telling a story about yourself (never mind the title of the thread that I didn't really read). I really had to wonder (picturing what I imagine you look like) when, in your story, you pulled the shoulder straps up and lost your boobs. That was an interesting picture I had in my mind so I was very glad when I read further and realized it was a story you were relaying, not something you experienced. ROFL
  5. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    Ah yes, the man boobs. And the cross-dressing. We DO lead an interesting life...

    I did like the line about the swimsuit being so high-cut you'd have to wax your eyebrows. It reminded me of days when I used to use wax strips (on eyebrows as well as legs and bikini line) and husband commented that the used wax strip looked like a dead rat.

    These days I use one of those epilators. Of course, I do need to sweep the bathroom floor afterwards to get up the drift of fine hair...

  6. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Thanks for the added laugh Marg. You guys are a hoot!!
  7. skeeter

    skeeter New Member

    I"m probably with you, Hound Dog, on the number of years since I've worn a suit. I hate bathing suits for all the reasons above, PLUS I have a long torso. The only one piece kind that actually somewhat fit (i.e., don't either dig in my shoulders or ride up my you-know-what) are Speedo racing suits, which I can NOT wear if I don't want to cause a panic scene like a Jaws movie.
  8. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    Oh no, I would never, ever put on a bathing suit. I wouldn't even try one on. I do wear women's surfer shorts with a t-shirt. I bought 3 a few years a go from Pac-Sun. I'm comfortable and I can wear these as "clothes". I highly reccomend these instead of the traditional type, where everything is on display.
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Ugh, I'm going this weekend to Macy's seeking the perfect suit but know I'll come home with the 'acceptable' suit!

  10. HaoZi

    HaoZi Guest

    LOL, the last time I took Kiddo to the pool I wore pants and a t-shirt.
  11. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    I have a floral 2-piece. I've worn it ONCE. It actually covers most of me, but it's BRIGHT ORANGE and PINK.

    I had a black racer-type. I discovered last February (a year ago) that the bum was transparent, it was so old.

    I have a teeny-bikini. It looked good when I was a size 4. 18 months ago. And 20 years ago.

    I need a new one... For the lake, etc. But I hate what's out there. I do NOT look good in rubber bands, either...

    And Marg? As for those wax strips? You must have a great tolerance for pain. OMG those hurt my LEGS - never never could I use them on bikini line!!!
  12. Jody

    Jody Active Member

    This was too funny, thank you for the laugh. Still giggling. I love to swim and because I love to swim or go to the water park, I have a suit, it's black and has a little skirt. I realized though it's not hiding anything. I can't help it I love the water. I bought it at Walmart too. It's a good suit, but it didn't do what I wanted it to. Hide 100 lbs extra weight and make me look like a beautiful sun tanned goddess. Despite that fact I put it on and get in the water, it's too much fun not too, and these days mostly everyone knows someone who is in their family that's over weight so maybe I don't see the looks and stares that I so feared in the beginning, but I am not looking for them either.
  13. slsh

    slsh member since 1999

    I *love* this!!! It's so timely!

    I had a sensible and decent looking swimsuit that got me thru the last couple of summers - black, 2-piece, not too horrible. But something simply awful happened to my bod this past winter - I'm still not sure what, but ... well, I can relate to oozing parts, especially the backside, to say nothing of the amazing exploding cellulitic thighs. And where the heck did the love handles come from? Love handles???? OMG!!!!

    I looked high and low for something that would camouflage the fact that my bod has become unquestionably middle-aged, but they all looked like something my grandmother would have worn (high neck, long skirt, blousy top). I finally said forget it and bought myself a brand new teeny tiny string bikini, first one in 30 years. I figured, the heck with it. ;) I'm almost 50, have had a bunch of kids (and it shows), but I still want to be able to worship the sun in something other than a sack.:beach:

    Of course, I would never wear it in public, but I figure for sunning and swimming in the back yard, it's just fine.

    Diva is horrified. :rofl:
  14. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    ...And this makes it entirely worth it!!!

    That bikini I mentioned? Wore it when we went camping at the lake last summer.

    Onyxx was so embarrassed. She didn't want to be seen NEAR me...
  15. Star*

    Star* call 911

    NOT ME BOY.............I just waxed poetic!!!!!!!!

    Thank you Marg and Margs Man.........everyone needs a little more laughter in their life......why just the 'mirror' thought of having my reflection laugh at me gave me all the courage I needed to try on that NASA disaster in the bottom drawer!
  16. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Honestly, it seems to me that it doesn't matter what shape you are, if you're any older than 16 1/2 it's impossible to find a bathing suit that looks nice.

    I'm a size 4 or so. But:
    a) I am so short-waisted that in a one-piece bathing suit I look like a cocktail meatball on a toothpick
    b) My chest is WAY out of proportion to the rest of my body. It looks like I borrowed someone else's
    c) I have so many abdominal scars from various surgeries that it looks like Zorro has carved his insignia on my stomach

    I usually buy those mix-and-match two-piece suits where you can pick different styles of top and bottom. My favourite combination is top with some sort of surf short-style bottom. Or something similar that doesn't leave the orchestra AND balcony hanging out there for all the world to see.

    Last summer, husband found me the most amazing suit. I call it my "James Bond Girl" bathing suit. From the back it looks like a bikini, but it has a strip of fabric down the centre-front that joins the top to the bottom. About 6 inches wide, so I don't get the cocktail meatball effect, but it hides all the surgical scars very nicely. And it's a pretty colour too.

    I guess one of the advantages of having a houseful of aspie kids is they don't get mortified when mom wears an embarrassing bathing suit.

  17. Marguerite

    Marguerite Active Member

    My last bathing suit was bought about 9 months ago form the woman who fitted me for my partial prosthesis. It is beautiful, designed for larger ladies with misshapen boobs. It's aqua with silver embellishments on it. Not too difficult to climb into but it also doesn't lead to nasty bulges.

    Otherwise - I go to Target and get their separates, tankini style. That way I can get the top and the bottom in different sizes if I have to. The tankini also keeps my midriff covered.

    Many years ago we used to spend time at a nudist beach. It was very interesting - there was minimal ogling, plus most of the nudists were not worth looking at. Occasionally someone shapely would come along, but nude it made little difference. it was only when swimsuits were put back on for the long walk past the clothed beach, that the men began to ogle the women. It seemed that covering up the fleshy bits made them more obvious, more a focus for the eye. It also pulled bits in and enhanced the 'out there' bits more, so it exaggerated the gender of the wearer.

    Most of the people at the nudist beach were fairly conservative couples and there was a camaraderie I did not expect. And a lot of the female bodies especially, looked perfectly ok nude (stretch marks, saggy boobs and all - it was natural and not sexual), but shocking when ladled into a swimsuit.

  18. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I had the "transparent bum thing" going on this year, too, and since Hubby reinstated the gym membership, that meant...Go Buy A Bathing Suit.

    Went to Lane Bryant. Refused to pay upwards of $200 for a suit. Went to Walmart (where I never never go, because they want to open a second store in our little town and I don't want to encourage them), and found...a $32 suit. It works. Also got one for Miss KT...even though she wanted the push-up camo one (???), but she adjusted to solid blue.
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Well after loosing weight? I can honestly say I will certainly have no more cracks about walking on the beach and being afraid Ahab will yell "Hard right to starboard Thar she blows -----I see the Great white SAKES she's beached herself and! she's in a flowery two piece!" yeah.......We'll have no more of THAT!
  20. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    Ah yes, thank you for reminding me WHY I detest swimsuit shopping :) That was pretty dang funny, and worth sharing -- THANKS! :bigsmile: