The blue in his eyes are no longer
- Thread starter joysheph
- Start date
Littleboylost
Long road but the path ahead holds hope.
This is the hamster wheel of guilt and self doubt we all live on sadly.
I agree with RN I could not bear the thought of my son being found dead in his bed and that gave me the strength to put him out. We did get him a crappy hotel room from time to time.
There is no right or wrong way here but enabling definitely never helped anyone ever.
There comes a time they need to sort life out on their own sober or not.
This time has come for us and our son. He is under our roof as long as he is working part time and attending school. We will not enable him. This is never an easy decision.
I agree with RN I could not bear the thought of my son being found dead in his bed and that gave me the strength to put him out. We did get him a crappy hotel room from time to time.
There is no right or wrong way here but enabling definitely never helped anyone ever.
There comes a time they need to sort life out on their own sober or not.
This time has come for us and our son. He is under our roof as long as he is working part time and attending school. We will not enable him. This is never an easy decision.
Misssy2
New Member
I understand getting the motel room...not something you SHOULD have done at all..but I would have done the same thing I know it...but lets not pull any punches..your original post...sounded so strong...you stood your ground..asked him to leave the property..sounds so strong...but then a few posts later you let out that you paid for the hotel for the night..not for nothing but his room and bed was probably more comfortable than what you and your husband were sleeping in.
What I would suggest is...what I am doing and what I have done in the past...I help various kids out.....that are homeless..due to this drug and alcohol epidemic....
I have a girl staying with me right now...she is 31...she has been from house to house...and landed here by the Grace of my son...lol.
She will not STOP messing up...she was in jail on Christmas Eve and Christmas day...Her life was a mess before and now it is even more of a mess AND she had a soft place to fall (my house)...but drugs still over rule and she really messed up this time.
I had originally given her a move out date of Jan 1....HOWEVER, it is not that I am an enabler..but I do realize the state of mind that she was in prior to the arrest...I DO UNDERSTAND she has shown since she has been here for 2 months she is just NOT READY to be clean...it doesn't matter how good I am to her...she is not ready.....she wants to stop and doesn't want to stop enough.
So because I know the "mental" toll drugs take...and now her pain is topped with more pain of a felony that this drug use caused her on Christmas Eve (got caught with some crack cocaine during a traffic stop)...
She was a complete mess (like your son...she looked horrible and she felt horrible and she was scared)...So...I extended her stay 10 more days...She now has 10 more days.
Why I say this is because I NEED 10 days to help her get to the right place....I have called the shelters in my area...they take emergencies...however, they need to know 48 hours in advance.
I have told her that her addiction is active...has been active and that my environment does not seem to change the way she copes....and that I can do no more for her...and that if she doesn't have a place to go by the time the 10th comes...than I am going to be bringing her to this emergency shelter...I told her the name of it...and she knows I am serious.
I just think if you could help your son make a similar plan....give him some time to get into a place....or tell him the only other alternative would be to go to an emergency shelter and that you have done some research....
I don't agree with throwing anyone out in the cold...but I do like plans...and it is not easy for me to look her in the face and tell her the 10th is the deadline...I am going to be very uncomfortable dropping her off....But I can not fix her....she doesn't want to be fix.
To answer your question...Why do they just not flush the rest of the drugs?
Its a chemical reaction in their brains...once they have the drug in their system...they will do almost ANYTHING to stay high...some people stoop to very low levels to STAY HIGH.
My own son...went to jail and has 10 years probation because he needed to stay high
What I would suggest is...what I am doing and what I have done in the past...I help various kids out.....that are homeless..due to this drug and alcohol epidemic....
I have a girl staying with me right now...she is 31...she has been from house to house...and landed here by the Grace of my son...lol.
She will not STOP messing up...she was in jail on Christmas Eve and Christmas day...Her life was a mess before and now it is even more of a mess AND she had a soft place to fall (my house)...but drugs still over rule and she really messed up this time.
I had originally given her a move out date of Jan 1....HOWEVER, it is not that I am an enabler..but I do realize the state of mind that she was in prior to the arrest...I DO UNDERSTAND she has shown since she has been here for 2 months she is just NOT READY to be clean...it doesn't matter how good I am to her...she is not ready.....she wants to stop and doesn't want to stop enough.
So because I know the "mental" toll drugs take...and now her pain is topped with more pain of a felony that this drug use caused her on Christmas Eve (got caught with some crack cocaine during a traffic stop)...
She was a complete mess (like your son...she looked horrible and she felt horrible and she was scared)...So...I extended her stay 10 more days...She now has 10 more days.
Why I say this is because I NEED 10 days to help her get to the right place....I have called the shelters in my area...they take emergencies...however, they need to know 48 hours in advance.
I have told her that her addiction is active...has been active and that my environment does not seem to change the way she copes....and that I can do no more for her...and that if she doesn't have a place to go by the time the 10th comes...than I am going to be bringing her to this emergency shelter...I told her the name of it...and she knows I am serious.
I just think if you could help your son make a similar plan....give him some time to get into a place....or tell him the only other alternative would be to go to an emergency shelter and that you have done some research....
I don't agree with throwing anyone out in the cold...but I do like plans...and it is not easy for me to look her in the face and tell her the 10th is the deadline...I am going to be very uncomfortable dropping her off....But I can not fix her....she doesn't want to be fix.
To answer your question...Why do they just not flush the rest of the drugs?
Its a chemical reaction in their brains...once they have the drug in their system...they will do almost ANYTHING to stay high...some people stoop to very low levels to STAY HIGH.
My own son...went to jail and has 10 years probation because he needed to stay high
RN0441
100% better than I was but not at 100% yet
Missy what you are doing is very kind. I do think it's critical that you stand by your word and move her out after the ten days though.
I remember so many times when my son would be on the right track and then he'd mess up and I would be devastated. He'd do well for three months or so and we'd feel he was "going to be okay this time" and then BAM, he'd start up again.
Now that I am in a different place and more importantly, HE is in a different place, I SEE that addiction is a disease. If we do not treat it like the disease that it is, it will NEVER go away.
If I had known that then, I would not have gotten my hopes up again and again.
I remember a constant state of not knowing if I should intervene, how to intervene and would it make a difference? Would it make it better? Would it make it worse? Could I really have any influence on what the outcome would be?? This was on replay in my brain and it was exhausting.
I don't have the answer but I do know you/we cannot wait until THEY are ready. Thankfully we were in a position to force change.
I remember so many times when my son would be on the right track and then he'd mess up and I would be devastated. He'd do well for three months or so and we'd feel he was "going to be okay this time" and then BAM, he'd start up again.
Now that I am in a different place and more importantly, HE is in a different place, I SEE that addiction is a disease. If we do not treat it like the disease that it is, it will NEVER go away.
If I had known that then, I would not have gotten my hopes up again and again.
I remember a constant state of not knowing if I should intervene, how to intervene and would it make a difference? Would it make it better? Would it make it worse? Could I really have any influence on what the outcome would be?? This was on replay in my brain and it was exhausting.
I don't have the answer but I do know you/we cannot wait until THEY are ready. Thankfully we were in a position to force change.
