The Call

[PrayForUs]

Ugh.
I am so sorry.
Unfortunately, unless her crime directly involves drug use (she is being charged with drug-related offense) she won’t get any treatment.
I will be praying for you, and for your daughter, that this might be the catalyst for change and the start of a new life.

 

[New Leaf]

I will be praying for you, and for your daughter, that this might be the catalyst for change and the start of a new life.

Thank you PFU, I believe in the power of prayer. Praying for all of our wayward adult children. May they find their way, and may we find peace, no matter what happens.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

So I did a little digging and found her on the police report. Busted driving a stolen moped- class C offense. She has been in jail since 7/5. Her bail is $11000. GULP. Huh. She goes to court for arraignment on Monday, don’t know what time. The officer said family members can go and ask for treatment rather than jail time. He said it also is up to the owner to press charges.
Wow.

 

[Crayola13]

I don't know where you live, but in my city, the DA would probably offer her a deal to plead guilty to the lowest charge possible, then the judge would mandate that she go to rehab, which would be a good thing.

You can at least take comfort in knowing that she is being fed. She isn't suffering from heat exhaustion. She's detoxing, which is miserable, but after the withdrawal, maybe her body and brain will realize she is no longer craving the drug, and help her realize she can stay off of it. Sometimes our local jail sends people to the hospital when they are detoxing. Our jail also has a detox unit rquippeq with nurses. I don't know if your local jail offers this. Our jail also offers counseling and offers to connect people with the services they need. My hope is that your daughter gets the help she needs, even if it is in jail.

 

[Acacia]

leafy,
i have been so comforted and made wiser by your posts.
no matter how strong we are, i think each new blow knocks us off balance. maybe not as much as before, but we are human and vulnerable, and we always hope for healing for our difficult children.

you have the skills and knowledge to set boundaries, no matter how difficult, and i have confidence in you. you are worthy of serenity, kindness, and good things in your life, leafy.

 

[BusynMember]

Leafy....I was fortiunate not to deal with this, but I used to think that if jail helped my daughter get clean, could it be any worse? She already hung with thugs who were as bad as those in jail. Of course i didnt really want her in jail, but remember that Patriots girl straightened out in jail.and she cant be the only one who did.

It sucks. I know. But try to think of it as a place to sleep away from the park and free meals. She is off the streets. When her mind clears, she may think about her life again.

My heart hurts for yours. I pray for both of you.

 

[toughlovin]

Leafy it may depend on where you live but most courts start at 9. I think it would be worth either going or calling the da and telling them she needs drug treatment. That may push them to make that part of a plea deal. She wont be happy with youbfor doing that but she isnt happy with you anyway.

 

[AppleCori]

Leafy...I think jail is the best place for her. I know my son was in prison for 3 years and it was a blessing. I know that is strange to say but he came out a completely changed person. Take comfort in knowing she is getting 3 meals a day and a roof over her head. I have read that we are exactly where we are supposed to be at this very moment. Please take care of you sweet Leafy. Hugs and prayers

Hi Okie,

Care to post on update?

Sounds like you have a success story to tell!

 

[New Leaf]

I awoke this morning feeling a bit better. The Lord works in mysterious ways and hopefully this may be a way for my daughter to get clean.

no matter how strong we are, i think each new blow knocks us off balance. maybe not as much as before, but we are human and vulnerable, and we always hope for healing for our difficult children.

So true. Out of the many things that could happen to my daughter, this is not the worst.

you have the skills and knowledge to set boundaries, no matter how difficult, and i have confidence in you. you are worthy of serenity, kindness, and good things in your life, leafy.

Acacia, thank you, you are worthy of all of this as well. I pray for all of our peace of mind and heart as we walk this journey.

but I used to think that if jail helped my daughter get clean, could it be any worse? She already hung with thugs who were as bad as those in jail.

Yup, SWOT, this is my thinking as well. I guess the shock of it happening is enough to set one off balance a bit.

try to think of it as a place to sleep away from the park and free meals. She is off the streets. When her mind clears, she may think about her life again.

My heart hurts for yours. I pray for both of you.

Thank you for your prayers. This is what I have been working on, reminding myself that nothing changes, if nothing changes. This will be a big change for her, running on the outskirts of the law, just shy of actually getting caught. May be for Rain, too. She has appeared over the years on different mopeds, always claiming that "the kids at the university just dump them when they go home," HAH! Really? Free mopeds on the street, uh huh.
I hope and pray she thinks about her life. She had so many opportunities growing up, travelled as a teen, learned star navigation and sailing. I hope and pray for a turning point, but also know that it is up to her.

I think it would be worth either going or calling the da and telling them she needs drug treatment. That may push them to make that part of a plea deal. She wont be happy with you for doing that but she isn't happy with you anyway.

I am going to call tomorrow and see what the officer says. I also have a friend in the DV victims unit who I will call. Tornados boyfriend was extremely abusive to her. Maybe they can get her some counseling, or something. Who knows what the next day will bring? I will continue to give it to God and try to remain steady state.
I won't bail her out, but am learning that there are some things I can do.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of your prayers and support.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[New Leaf]

You can at least take comfort in knowing that she is being fed. She isn't suffering from heat exhaustion. She's detoxing, which is miserable, but after the withdrawal, maybe her body and brain will realize she is no longer craving the drug, and help her realize she can stay off of it. Sometimes our local jail sends people to the hospital when they are detoxing. Our jail also has a detox unit equipped with nurses. I don't know if your local jail offers this. Our jail also offers counseling and offers to connect people with the services they need. My hope is that your daughter gets the help she needs, even if it is in jail.

Thank you Crayola, the way she has been living is much worse than where she is at now. I hope and pray that this is a big wake up call. Since she was arrested on the 5th and didn't call until the 7th, makes me wonder if we were a last resort? I don't think there is anyone who would post bond and risk losing eleven grand. We shall see what the new day brings. I have to have faith that God has a plan, and maybe this is part of it.
I hope she will get help. I hope she will recognize that she needs help.
Thank you very much for your comforting words.
(((HUGS)))
Leafy

 

[recoveringenabler]

Leafy, I am sorry you're walking through this with your daughter. It's so hard on our mother's hearts to be on the sidelines watching this horror movie starring our adult kids........

My daughter was arrested for possession of stolen goods. It was her first offense as well. She maintained she wasn't aware the goods were stolen. If the stolen item is under a certain amount (often $500 or $1000) it's a misdemeanor, larger than a certain amount I believe it then becomes a felony. I made the same choice you have and it wasn't easy. No one bailed her out and she stayed in jail until her court date which kept being postponed.

If this is your daughter's first offense, it's likely she'll be offered probation. It depends on how she pleads. My daughter was so freaked out about being in jail she took the stupidest deal admitting to the guilt just to get out of jail sooner.......had she stayed in jail and waited the charge would have been dropped and the whole thing would have been over. It was eventually dropped to a misdemeanor but that took a long time and a lot of court dates. She set herself up to be continually picked up on probation violations for a number of years until it was finally settled. She owes the courts quite a substantial amount of money which she pays off monthly now. It's been a long haul for her.

I never bailed my daughter out, however, I did write the judge at one point and that letter actually helped. Like you I had never been involved in any criminal legal proceedings and I was freaked out too. But, like everything in life, that too became "normal."

After getting over the initial "shock" of having my only child in jail, I began thinking like so many of us here do.....she is safe......she is eating......I know where she is now......sigh....

I'm sorry Leafy, I know the assault this takes on your whole system until you regain your balance.....your daughter will do whatever she will do......while she is dealing with this latest issue, take this time to be very kind and nourishing to yourself.....amp up your self care and support.....we'll do our best to support you, circling our wagons around you.....you're not alone.....

 

[Albatross]

Leafy,

Oh no, not *THAT* call. I'm so sorry, Leafy.

I was thinking the same thing, that Tornado is most likely safer in jail than out.

I agree 100% with your decision not to bail her out. It wouldn't matter if it was $11,000.00 or $11.00.

My son's bail was $200. We would not pay it, nor would everyone else he could possibly think to call -- parents of old girlfriends, relatives who stopped speaking to him years ago, casual acquaintances, etc. No surprise there.

He was in jail for over a month before his public defender even met with him. I never imagined I would be the kind of parent who leaves her son in jail wondering if anyone is even going to come see him to discuss his case.

As his PD explained to us, they can check themselves out of rehab, but they can't check themselves out of jail. In his experience he was doing what was best for his client, because
(1) When they are using drugs like meth, they need to be seriously rocked back on their heels to get their attention.
(2) Clients need to have clear heads before making decisions, and a few days isn't enough time to clear their heads.

I'm glad we followed his advice, but it was obviously a very rough time for us. So I don't know the "right" thing to do, but just wanted to throw our experience out there. No matter how it plays out, I hope that in some way this ultimately leads to Tornado seeing her need for rehab and starting it with serious intent.

In the meantime, I'm so glad that you are reaching more of a steady state about the craziness of it all. We are all here to support you.

 

[toughlovin]

Having a kid in jail is a weird thing. The first time my son was in jail he was 19 and I really felt like it was the worst thing that could happen to a parent. I was a wreck. I was scared for him...he was a good looking boy and you hear such horror stories. Later in this crazy journey he was on the streets and homeless.... and that was so much worse. The next time he was in jail it was like wow I can sleep at night, I know where he is, he is relatively safe and he is eating. And I also learned that although he never obeys rules (one of his issues) he learned the rules of the other inmates and followed them, stayed to himself and did not have any major problems. He learned how to survive.....has been in jail since and served a couple of months. He hates it, is bored and does not want to go back but him being in jail is by far not the worst thing for me. Hei s doing ok at the moment and I certainly prefer him doing better....but time and his own self will tell if he fully gets his act together and really becomes a productive member of society.

 

[wisernow]

You are doing the right thing. I too did not bail my son out although it tore me apart. After 30 days his dad finally did but only managed to deal with him for two days and then send him off to hospital for evaluation. It was a turning point for him and for us all. He was finally diagnosed correctly re his mental health; went to rehab to deal with his drug problem and moved into a group home where he has since started to rebuild his life. Sometimes the storm needs to hit to clear the path forward. Hugs for you and your family and hold strong. We are all here for you as you have been for us.

 

[Kalahou]

Aloha Leafy,
I just saw this and do not have much time, but just want to join with the others in understanding and support. You are so not alone. I have been through this also. You know my story and my place. In my situation, it was a relief to find out my son was in jail.

Of course, he wanted bail or supervised release. I did neither. I did not ever attend any court proceedings, and I did not go to visit him for his entire duration there. (My prior thread at that time gives more details.) I figured if he wanted me to know something or wanted to ask me something, he would share with me by phone or letter himself. They can write letters from there, and they can make collect phone calls if you have no plan set up with GTL inmate phone system. My son did contact me at times. I did periodically send a note, expressing my thanks and aloha for his life and the promise of a good future that was possible if he took the right actions, which only our difficult children can do for themselves to make their own lives.

The way it worked with him, after the arraignment, they set a trial date 3-4 months down the road, and because there was no bail, he had to remain in XXCC for those months awaiting trial. This was good. He had to learn patience, and
e maka’ala. He had a lot of time to think, eventually got a part time job in the facility, etc. Each time I drove passed the corrections facility, I thought of him in there, so close yet so far. And I lifted prayers of thankfulness and for the goodness of the legal / corrections ohana helping him in ke ala pono, in the way he needed for himself. I decided to “trust the process.” He ended up being in the corrections center for 6 months, and he had up and downs (including getting hurt), but I think he hopefully learned it is not a place he wants to go back to live in.

While in jail, he either exhibited drug behavior or else he volunteered the info on drug abuse to his defender etc., as he was eventually deemed a candidate for a drug court program that he was released to on probation. This program and his “so far” adherence to it is the good that came out of it.

I will follow along and keep you in my heart and prayers through this. Tornado is still quite young, but she began this hard road at an early age, so has been on it a very long time. Maybe this will help her realize that time catches up with us all. Maybe she will come to realize an increasing need for ohana and reach out.

Mahalo ke akua. It’s all good, Tita. Bless.

 

[Kalahou]

There are times I think my son's " ARREST was his RESCUE "

He had been arrested on prior occasions and just in the holding cell for 2 or 3 nights, or got out on a minimal bail by his "friends(?)". I guess it was no big deal to him for a night or 2 to crash, but when the BIG arrest / more serious charges came, and the big $$ bail, and he could not get out, that really hit home.

Malama pono, dear.

 

[Littleboylost]

Hello my dearest Leafy
Ugggh just ugggh! Now that this is out of my way. I commend tour for your strength and wisdom and the Ability to press on with solid boundaries.
So many times you have helped my little boat of emotions avoid the shores of disaster. You have put in a paddle to veer me away From certain sispair and nudged my forward tocfave the headwinds of challenge in the work of addiction. Oh how grateful I am for that support.

So hello!! I am here for you The mom who not only let her kid sit in jail but had him arrested (he is kicking butt in rehab by the way, I will save that for another post).

Our actions are so difficult and go against the very grains of our mothering nature. They are not done for sheer meaness and from a sense of giving up; these decisions are made with love and care. These decisions damb near kill us in order for us to try to save our addicted children from themselves. Stay strong in your decision my wise friend.
Not.
Doing.
It.
I felt the turmoil, anxiety and stress these theee little words caused for you. Oh how I felt every thump of the keys to engrain that decision not only here but etched in your heart.
Not easy, right isn’t always easy, often right is the hardest choice.

Jerry Springer would know what to do with us all!

And last note from me....she didn’t call you ....she called her sister....who is a homeless drug addict....but has a cell phone....the irony of that statement is not wasted on us here



Stay strong and know we are here with you and for you.

 

[Copabanana]

Hang in there new leaf. You deserve way better.

 

[Wish]

Leafy, how do I even being to help the one who always helps me? You are so much wiser than me but I would feel awful for just being silent when you go the whole 9 yards to help me every time. The only thing I can think of is to give examples.....Hope this helps, even in a small way.

My 45 year old cousin who lives "that type" of life style, has been to jail and continues to go to jail so much, that it's now normal for him. When he started going to jail (at a very young age), my aunt (his mother) always bailed him out. He has never changed, not one single iota. She has stopped bailing him out now within the last few years because my Uncle is going through extreme health issues (my uncle was against bailing him out. Ever.). My aunt and I had a heart to heart one time, it was a brief conversation, and she told me the worst mistake she ever made was bailing him out over and over and over again. I wouldn't even inquire about the drug program as this might give her false hope as well. She knows it exists and if she wants it, she can fight for it herself.

I have childhood friend who is now 41 years old. Most of his adult life has been spent in county jail or prison for such petty crimes. All his adult years are lost in space. It's so sad because he had so much potential. While his mother has stopped bailing him out and even visiting him in prison over 13 years ago, His mother always allows him to come back to live at her home after his stints in lock up. It was and is extremely dentrimental to him. Furthermore, there are so many bad memories in that home (it's the family home for 50 years ) that I feel it regresses him back so much the minute he walks into that door. She does him such a severe disservice by allowing him to live there. It's such a viscious cycle. I'm surprised that he, himself, is not sick of it by now. I often wonder what he will do once she passes on because he has no one after she does.

Now for myself as an example.....

I was never a criminal, drug addict or the such, but I did make some pretty bad mistakes. Nothing illegal, but just extremely poor life decisions (over and over again). The only people that i had that semi-cared about me were my grandparents. They would flip flop on how they would go about helping me. Sometimes they would rescue me but a lot of the times, they would flat out refuse to help me in a harsh way. What really hindered me though, is when they were sometimes in the middle of these two extremes. I'll explain. In these times, when they would tell me that they were not helping me, I would finally come to a place of acceptance and start digging myself out of my own hole. I would be doing good and start making head way, then in the middle of it, they would start offering to help me. I then would immediately give up on all my progress thinking they were going to fully rescue me again. You know what happened next? I lost all the headway I personally was making without their help and lost whatever little help they were offering because they never said that they were going to rescue me, but in my mind, that's what I thought. It was a mixed message. I really wished at those times, that they would have stuck to their word when they refused to help me and just not interfered at all because it only hurt me. They too were stuck in the enabling ways which caused me a lot of harm at times.

I think in this instance, keep going on about your life like this never happened. Do not help or contact her at all. Let her sister know this too so there is no mistake. She is 30 years old, it's either now or never that she starts changing her life. Maybe when she is forced to do it on her own like I was, she will come back to you. I came back to my family in adult and loving way but it took too long. So much time wasted. Do it now. I have no doubt in my mind she will want to reconnect with you again as mother and daughter in the future, but in order for that to happen, right now she needs to know that you are not having this mess. Ignoring this situation could be the best thing you can do for her. Let her learn her hard lessons now. Don't even let her know you are inquiring about her situation. It's probably just not best to inquire about it all anymore because word might get back to her that you were calling around and that might give her the wrong idea that you will help her in some way.

Of course, I could be all wrong, but it's the best that I can do. Sending big hugs your way.

 

[Wish]

Gosh, as I re-read my replies, my grammar is terrible, just terrible! I have words in wrong places and everything. I am in a rush much of the time and to make it worst, I lost my glasses. It's hard for me to stare at computer screens (even with glasses). I apologize in advance and I hope despite my errors, you still understand what I meant to say.