The chaos she creates

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by PatriotsGirl, Apr 14, 2011.

  1. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    I am on a business call and difficult child is burning up the other line trying to reach me. I get off my call and she texts me that she is getting dropped off here. Um, excuse me?? We have plans - after dinner, hubby and I were going to work out. She says, well I need a ride to the place she is staying. I call her and tell her she cannot just drop herself off here and expect us to do what ever. She says she has no where else to go. I told her that is not my problem. She says, well, yeah, it is. Told her I would bring her to rehab if she had nowhere to go. She grunted and said I will see you in a minute. It's been an hour and a half. She isn't here. I am still all ruffled up over it. The phone call alone creates chaos...I cannot believe she has the audacity to think she can just disrupt everything here and we will do what ever she needs!
  2. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh this sounds so much like my difficult child. So many times we heard "I have no place else to go." Our difficult child's think we exist just to cater to them.

  3. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    And you're waiting on her because??????

    That phone conversation would've ticked me off to the point of making certain I wouldn't be waiting when she arrived.

    ((hugs)) I so hate difficult child drama. ugh
  4. Star*

    Star* call 911

    And you're waiting on her because? ((((((Echoing Hound))))) - but like I wrote to Elizabray this morning - if you DON'T wait - you wonder what's going to be left of your house when you get home.
    Danged if you do situation.

    been there done that - and remind me again WHY am I the first person you call when you get in trouble difficult child and the LAST person you come to for advice? UGH. :hammer:
  5. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    She never showed. She ended up texting me how sad it was that the one time she was in the area, we wouldn't let her come by the house. I told her that was not it at all - that she needs to make plans ahead of time and ask for things. She says she wanted to come here to eat because she hadn't eaten in days. I told her that I gave her places to go to get a meal. I told her that if she won't accept rehab, then she needs to learn how to help herself....

    I need warrior strength here. I can honestly say her telling me she has not eaten in days really got to me....
  6. KFld

    KFld New Member

    Next time she calls like that, maybe you should tell her she can come by but at a certain time because you have plans. This way she doesn't feel like you are saying she can't come visit, but you are setting boundaries by letting her know you do have plans and you will be home at such and such a time if she wants to come by then, but that you aren't going to jump, cancel what you are doing and then having her not show up.

    As far as not eating, if you gave her places to go for a meal and she's choosing not to go there, then it's her fault she hasn't eatin, not yours.
  7. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    This is killing me. I did tell her all of that. I told her she needs to ASK for what she wants or needs. I told her she mentioned nothing about wanting to come over to eat. Only that she was being dropped off because she had nowhere else to go. I told her she can't do that. I reminded her again, that I will help her get into treatment when she is ready. She is obviously not ready. But I broke down in tears at work this morning. This is SO hard. To fight my instinct to go save her. Hardest thing I have ever had to do. Please help me stay strong...
  8. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    Well now, if you read the post that started this thread, she wanted to come by so that you could give her a ride someplace else. You said, and very reasonably, NO - we are not at your back-and-call as a taxi service.

    Obviously, she found someone else to drive her.

    Only later, after the fact, as a by the way - she mentions that she is starving....and you're such a mean mother for allowing your child to starve. She didn't get her way so she said something that she KNEW would get to you.

    Do we really believe that all these places she's visiting have nothing in the fridge? And that the people driving her around town cannot stop somewhere for food?


    Stay strong!!!
  9. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    PG I know how your heart is hurting so much right now. One day during my difficult child's six week stay out of the house she called and begged to come home. We talked about her coming home and I told her that our home was finally peaceful and I couldn;t go back to the chaos. She told me she hated her life and had never been so depressed in her life. We talked about rehab and I told her we couldn't afford any but she could come home the next evening and talk to husband and I about options. She never came and the next time we talked she decided she didn't want to come home. So the anquish I felt about not rescuing her was not shared by her and she went on with her drugging and drinking for another five weeks.

    When your difficult child finally hits rock bottom you will know it. We told difficult child we would be there for her when she wanted to finally get help and we would always love her but we could no longer enable her to kill herself. You difficult child knows you are there for support if and when she wants to get clean. In the meantime the only thing that helped me was coming here to this board and keeping busy.

    I am hoping that your daughter's bottom comes soon.

  10. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    Daisy is right. She is using a manipulation tool to get you to dance to her tune.

    I can look at your situation and realize that my daughter is doing the self-same thing - it is hard to recognize and withstand when you are immersed in the situation, but the perspective from others in similar straits helps.
  11. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Pats girl???

    This is NOT easy to do, and it will take a lot of digging into the "I WILL NOT" to do it. You won't learn it over night, you will fail, you will succeed, and you will cry, get angry, and it will hurt worse than anything - but if you love your daughter and want to see her learn something and be something on her own? You have to try, and keep trying. I know - I'm doing the best I can to do the same with Dude. I tell myself every day - I will not be maniuplated.

    When he called and said he was eating out of dumpsters? I knew at first this was an underhanded plea for "wire me money" instead I said

    Well at least you are smart enough to know to get to the food before it spoils
    How clever of you to use the dumpsters at the better food places
    I'm surprised they don't keep locks on them, they do here - you're lucky to be where they don't lock them
    You know there are soup kitchens there too.
    How about Food Stamps?

    Don't think that hurt me to the core? Don't think I didn't cry like a baby when I got off the phone? Don't think I wasn't mad at him for trying? Well his biodad in his infinte stupidity had claimed him without him knowing, and sold the foodstamps for drugs. He didn't know you could get fs, he thought you had to have children, when he went to find out, he was told about his dad, and it caused problems - YOU eat out of a dumpster and find out your dad is using you for drugs -AGAIN.

    Hunger is a great motivator....he's been filling out applications, and to do that? You have to walk, or ride a bike. It's hot. So he wants a car. To do that? You need money, to get that? You need a job. It's a vicious circle, but until you show me you're not just jerking off - and playing around? Diver down. He has been contacted for a few upcoming interviews, and we did send him some clothes - so things are improving for him and he WANTS and NEEDS a job. Big difference between I need a job for "hair gel" and I want and need a job to buy food and pay the bills. When no one helps you? You only have yourself to rely on. When you start to realize that? You move your butt. No rides, no food, no comforts from Mom and Dad? Your friends get tired of you leaching? You really have to take a hard look at yourself and start asking some real life questions about what you want out of yourself and what YOU expect out of yourself.

    IF ......your parents are tough enough to stay out of the way - because - your friends will be eventually.

    Sending you hugs. And the power of ignoring.
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh I can't tell you how many times I heard the "I haven't eaten in days" thing. Occasionally I'd respond to that by dropping off a small bag of groceries.. bread, milk, peanut butter, ramen noodles. I'm convinced that most of the time it was a ploy, though, so even that $10 spent was probably a waste. difficult children tend to "up the ante" as we begin to say no and stick to it. They think of anything and everything to push your mommy buttons. If you think back you can probably see the pattern.. you put up an appropriate boundary, say no, and all of a sudden more horrible things are happening to your difficult child.

    It takes lots and lots of practice.. hang in there.
  13. KFld

    KFld New Member

    hang in there and keep coming here. We have all been at the point where you are right now and it takes a lot of practice to stop allowing them to manipulate us and to stop enabling them. It also takes a lot to finally realize that as long as you continue to allow her to manipulate you and you enable her in any way, she will continue to live the life she is living because she won't have any reason to change. She has to want to do it for herself because nobody else is.

    A speaker at an alanon meeting I attended recently said it took her a while, but one day she realized that the word NO was a complete sentence :)
  14. elizabrary

    elizabrary Member

    As Crazy said these difficult children tend to "up the ante"- I know Kat does. I think they also love drama, so if things are going smoothly Kat will either do something to cause drama or throw herself into someone else's. She can't stop, she thrives on it. The one thing I know about Kat (and I think this goes for most difficult children) is that she is mad resourceful. I have seen her turn up an actual CAR when she needed one. I still have no idea how she got it. But I think most all of them can come up with what they want, which may not necessarily be what they need. Think about it- most of them seem to come up with $ for drugs or alcohol, which they could be using for food if they were truly starving. Kat will be dressed to the nines, with very nice jewelry, a brand new cell phone, etc. and will actually go to the food pantry to get food. If you think about it you have probably seen the exact same thing with your difficult child. You are doing exactly what you should do and being a good mom, so don't let the guilt take over!
  15. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    the others have all had excellent things to say. I am sending hugs for your hurting mommy heart and a big bag of Won't Power. We all ahve more than enough will power - what we need is Won't Power, Know what I mean??

    You need to remind yourself that no matter what it is you give her - food, a ride instead of paying for a taxi, a shirt (even used), anything is just that much more money she has to spend on drugs and alcohol. Wasn't it your daughter who found her way home from another entire state?? think of ALL the things she brought home when she lived there, and start counting up all the money to get drunk and high each time you saw or spoke to her and she was drunk/stoned. How much does it cost to get high? I think on Intervention it said enough for one high (of whatever it was) was about $25 and that person was using at least 10 times a day. Heck, to get drunk has to cost at least $10 with the way prices are - probably more as I haven't looked at alcohol prices in a couple of years because I don't drink.

    So figure out what a night partying costs, at least an estimate. Then every time you say you won't give her a ride it is $10 at least that she canot use to get drugs or alcohol to kill herself. I seriously doubt she is going hungry. If she goes that long with-o eating it is because she is tweaking on meth, or so a friend who's daughter has been hooked on meth for over 17 yrs tells me. Food is too easy to come by. Heck, your daughter could stand with a sign asking for money for food and she owuld at the LEAST get people who stop and take a sandwich to her. by the way, I know some grad students who panhandled for a year as part of their master's thesis. They earned $45,000 by panhandling part time while they were in school the rest of the time. This happened in Austin in the early 90's.

    Cry when you need to, block her number from your office phone if needed, even tell your other child's school and your husband to call you on your office number during the day and turn your cell phone off while you are at work if it helps. Look at the paper where you figured out how much it cost her to get drunk/high and each time you refuse to give her $$, a ride, food or whatever and figure out how many joints, rocks of drugs, pills, beers or bottles of rotgut liquor you just saved her from. I know this was one of the things that really helped my mom and also helped my cousin and aunt when my cousin's wife went through addiction and rehab.

    Whatever happens, keep coming here and going to alanon and/or narcanon programs. It doesn't matter if difficult child won't go to AA/NA meetings - they will still help you navigate this heart-wrenching minefield called loving an addict.
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    Stay strong.
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Kfld -

    No. Is a complete sentence. - VERY nice!
  18. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I think you are doing profoundly well. I know it hurts to the core. We;ve had similar moments, especially the one about the food...we don't give in and at first it was tough. I second the idea of going to Al Anon and the reminder that "no" is a complete sentence was good for us all! AWesome!!!!
  19. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Guest

    It was so hard so I know it was the right thing to do. Apparently she must have found food because on Sunday she posted on Facebook that the day was a new day with a smiley face. I did text her yesterday because my mom is really looking for a roomate. My sister has pretty much moved out and is living with her boyfriend. She only pays rent to my mom and would love to have some one take that over for her. So, I texted difficult child yesterday to let her know just in case she was desperate and interested. No response. Guess life is not that tough...
  20. Bean

    Bean Member

    I like the "NO" as a complete sentence, too.

    And I'm sending hugs. Have been in similar situations many times over. Doesn't seem to hurt any less, either.