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The Christmas Present dilemma
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 703428" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I agree with almost everything said here. We do for ourselves, as much or more, than for them.</p><p></p><p>She is a child, still. Your child.</p><p></p><p>We keep doing and doing because they remain our children. They do not usually get it much until we have tried maybe 500000 times, and then we still think they do not get it. But we keep loving them, and wanting to act from our love. To me, that is not enabling.Well. Do I know how this is. I have one child. He holds onto nothing.</p><p></p><p>This is what I would consider:</p><p></p><p>Gift certificate for haircut.</p><p>^Smart cell phone with sim card and a month of service for phone and data. (For her safety and to stay in touch).</p><p>^A utilitarian purse/bag--a shoulder bag (cross body) with lots of zippered, secure pockets. Maybe made of oilcloth, if you live in a wet and cold climate. With a utilitarian wallet. In the States Fossil is a good brand, that is inexpensive but very well thought out and durable. For the cross body, Kipling is a brand that is widely available. There is a brand that makes the coated cotton ones that is really nice and chic. But maybe now is not the time.</p><p>^If you are in the States, an Amtrak gift card, if you live near the train, making sure it is in her name only and non-transferable. If you live elsewhere maybe there is something similar. So she can come home!! My son needs to travel to another city for medical care. I try to help him with travel costs.</p><p>^Maybe a cheap bicycle, equipped with a light and lots of reflectors, with a good lock and a safety helmet. Walmart will have good, inexpensive bikes for ninety dollars or so.</p><p>^You know the present I loved the most from my own mother was flannel nightgowns and bedroom slippers. Every year until I was maybe 18 I got these. Nothing was better.</p><p>^If she is in a shelter, she is showering in a community shower where there will be athlete's foot. Even cheap flip flops or better still, waterproof sandals, there are several good brands that can be used even for hiking--like Teva, is one. Keen is another. (In off season, now, they can be had for under $40, I think.) They can be used as shower sandals. And with socks, can function as bedroom slippers. They are lightweight and can be carried in a backpack or bag. I would love these, too. I think they are trendy, too. I always used to see young people with these when I was traveling.</p><p>^Does she like and wear makeup? At the dollar stores near me, I buy almost all of my makeup. (Before that I bought Chanel!! Believe me I see no difference, in most of it.)</p><p>^Buy a few different sizes of cosmetic and toiletry bags that she can use (in the new bag you are buying her.</p><p>^Fill the smaller bags with assorted $1.00 lipsticks, lip liner, mascara, eye shadow, eyeliner. Even false eyelashes. The 99 cent store near me has travel size deodorant, lotion, Vaseline, lip balm, tooth brush, toothpaste, shampoo, which you can also stuff in the other small bags. (There are great sunglasses at the dollar store, too. Whatever the climate sunglasses can protect her eyes. She may be outside a great deal.All of this stuff would be kind of like stocking stuffers. If you have other daughters--you can do the same for them, too. Anybody can use travel size toiletries at one time or another. I use to take them to work with me when I worked long shifts.</p><p></p><p>You could make shopping for her fun for you and an act of love. I think the problem is you feel so bad, possibly filled with guilt, that this is getting in the way of seeing the positive side of this. This is an opportunity to show your great love and devotion to your girl. By thinking about her life now, actually facing it, you are helping her and yourself. I think what is happening now is you dread thinking about it. Maybe this shopping expedition would be a way to feel closer to her, and be closer to her. And to come to grips yourself with something very painful. And at the same time building up your defenses and your strength. Kind of like a vaccine.</p><p></p><p>Remember. If you can join her in this, even symbolically by imagining it, a little bit--you are creating the potential for great empathy and intimacy between you.</p><p></p><p>The thing is this: Do not spend money you are not prepared to see evaporate. And do not buy something that she could sell for serious money to get herself in trouble. Or if she was extorted for it, you would suffer greatly. This is a demonstration of your love for her. Not of her worth. Your love can never be represented by a "thing" nor should it be.</p><p></p><p>This is what I think about equality of presents: Things are not equal. Pretending they are is a mistake. She knows that things have g<em>one haywire</em>.<em> She's living it.</em> So do the other kids. Often I call things as I see them. (Sometimes this works...)</p><p></p><p><em>We tried to get what you could use. We tried to choose presents that will not be a burden to keep securely with you. </em>(Even if you do not say this to her--know this, yourself. It is not your fault she is living as she is. Bottom line. Not your fault.)</p><p>Well, get used to it. No matter what many of us on this forum have done for our children, and endured ourselves, we have been <em>bad parents</em>, viewed as such by others, and perhaps, by our own kids.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 703428, member: 18958"] I agree with almost everything said here. We do for ourselves, as much or more, than for them. She is a child, still. Your child. We keep doing and doing because they remain our children. They do not usually get it much until we have tried maybe 500000 times, and then we still think they do not get it. But we keep loving them, and wanting to act from our love. To me, that is not enabling.Well. Do I know how this is. I have one child. He holds onto nothing. This is what I would consider: Gift certificate for haircut. ^Smart cell phone with sim card and a month of service for phone and data. (For her safety and to stay in touch). ^A utilitarian purse/bag--a shoulder bag (cross body) with lots of zippered, secure pockets. Maybe made of oilcloth, if you live in a wet and cold climate. With a utilitarian wallet. In the States Fossil is a good brand, that is inexpensive but very well thought out and durable. For the cross body, Kipling is a brand that is widely available. There is a brand that makes the coated cotton ones that is really nice and chic. But maybe now is not the time. ^If you are in the States, an Amtrak gift card, if you live near the train, making sure it is in her name only and non-transferable. If you live elsewhere maybe there is something similar. So she can come home!! My son needs to travel to another city for medical care. I try to help him with travel costs. ^Maybe a cheap bicycle, equipped with a light and lots of reflectors, with a good lock and a safety helmet. Walmart will have good, inexpensive bikes for ninety dollars or so. ^You know the present I loved the most from my own mother was flannel nightgowns and bedroom slippers. Every year until I was maybe 18 I got these. Nothing was better. ^If she is in a shelter, she is showering in a community shower where there will be athlete's foot. Even cheap flip flops or better still, waterproof sandals, there are several good brands that can be used even for hiking--like Teva, is one. Keen is another. (In off season, now, they can be had for under $40, I think.) They can be used as shower sandals. And with socks, can function as bedroom slippers. They are lightweight and can be carried in a backpack or bag. I would love these, too. I think they are trendy, too. I always used to see young people with these when I was traveling. ^Does she like and wear makeup? At the dollar stores near me, I buy almost all of my makeup. (Before that I bought Chanel!! Believe me I see no difference, in most of it.) ^Buy a few different sizes of cosmetic and toiletry bags that she can use (in the new bag you are buying her. ^Fill the smaller bags with assorted $1.00 lipsticks, lip liner, mascara, eye shadow, eyeliner. Even false eyelashes. The 99 cent store near me has travel size deodorant, lotion, Vaseline, lip balm, tooth brush, toothpaste, shampoo, which you can also stuff in the other small bags. (There are great sunglasses at the dollar store, too. Whatever the climate sunglasses can protect her eyes. She may be outside a great deal.All of this stuff would be kind of like stocking stuffers. If you have other daughters--you can do the same for them, too. Anybody can use travel size toiletries at one time or another. I use to take them to work with me when I worked long shifts. You could make shopping for her fun for you and an act of love. I think the problem is you feel so bad, possibly filled with guilt, that this is getting in the way of seeing the positive side of this. This is an opportunity to show your great love and devotion to your girl. By thinking about her life now, actually facing it, you are helping her and yourself. I think what is happening now is you dread thinking about it. Maybe this shopping expedition would be a way to feel closer to her, and be closer to her. And to come to grips yourself with something very painful. And at the same time building up your defenses and your strength. Kind of like a vaccine. Remember. If you can join her in this, even symbolically by imagining it, a little bit--you are creating the potential for great empathy and intimacy between you. The thing is this: Do not spend money you are not prepared to see evaporate. And do not buy something that she could sell for serious money to get herself in trouble. Or if she was extorted for it, you would suffer greatly. This is a demonstration of your love for her. Not of her worth. Your love can never be represented by a "thing" nor should it be. This is what I think about equality of presents: Things are not equal. Pretending they are is a mistake. She knows that things have g[I]one haywire[/I].[I] She's living it.[/I] So do the other kids. Often I call things as I see them. (Sometimes this works...) [I]We tried to get what you could use. We tried to choose presents that will not be a burden to keep securely with you. [/I](Even if you do not say this to her--know this, yourself. It is not your fault she is living as she is. Bottom line. Not your fault.) Well, get used to it. No matter what many of us on this forum have done for our children, and endured ourselves, we have been [I]bad parents[/I], viewed as such by others, and perhaps, by our own kids. [/QUOTE]
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