The constantness

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Wiped Out, Sep 7, 2009.

  1. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    is getting to me. I do so love difficult child and in some aspects he is doing so much better than he was. He is rarely violent anymore (still threatens but rarely follows through).

    All of that being said, the constantness of his gfgness is driving me up a wall! If it's not one thing, it's the other. His moods come and go so quickly I can't keep up. He turns on a dime. The yelling, the complaining, the threatening, the put downs-grrrrrrr! Let's not forget about the impulsiveness, his social inappropriateness, his stubbornness-yuck!

    Thank goodness he does have a tender side and we do get to still catch glimpses of this side. I know some of this he can't help. His executive function issues get in the way as do his cognitive issues.
    I feel guilty that I feel so relieved each night once he is finally asleep.

    Thanks for listening to my whine-I'll probably have a better outlook tomorrow -it's just been one of those weekends.
  2. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    {{{Hugs}}} I understand. I end up being disappointed & frustrated in myself on top of not liking my difficult child's behaviors. I hope tomorrow is a much better day.
  3. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member


    fortunately we are able to glimpse those loving and tender molments with our difficult children!

    We understand!

  4. crazymama30

    crazymama30 Active Member

    It gets old. Hugs. It is nice to see progress that he is making, but it is still hard to deal with the **** that remains.
  5. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I do think I sooooo totally understand.
    What CrazyMamma said! It's like she is reading my mind.
    I see little baby steps, but wowzers.....hard to deal with drama trauma sooo many many days.
    I have developed all sorts of little "mind" tricks to cope. And when those don't work, honestly, I simply (and quickly) hand it over to a Higher Power...'cause sometimes I just don't have it in me....and that's the simple truth.
    Sharon...I have sent up a little prayer on your behalf.
  6. ML

    ML Guest

    That's why you NEED respite. It is so hard and yes, it can suck the life force out of you which is why you must replenish those reserves. I hope you are able to get some time for just you soon. Hugs, ML
  7. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TM-Thanks for understanding, today was better but I hate to say I think it was because I was back at work and he was back at school.

    Sharon-You are right-it's a good thing we get to see the good sides of our difficult children.

    Crazymama-It really is so hard to deal with the ****that remains.

    Nomad-Thanks so much for the prayer!

    ML-Well worded I do feel like the life force is being drained out of me at times. Thanks goodness we do have respite this weekend and husband and I are going away by ourselves.
  8. nvts

    nvts Active Member

    I know how you feel - chocolate - and don't share!

    Feel better! And vent away - you need it! ;)

  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It is awful, isn't it? I remember so many times where I didn't want to even open my eyes because I knew that conflama would rule the day.

    I vent here, and journal the good events. Even just short ones, like giving me a gentle hug even in front of his friends.

    Those are what got me through those times.

    We are here to listen, to send hugs and cyber tissues, to assist you with that primal scream, and to offer strange ways to stop the madness.

    Here is a site I think Star sent to me. I find it very helpful when the inmates are driving me batty!

    Happy flaming and needling!

    Seriously, I don't know how you do it. I don't think I could go through it again. You are such an inspiration to me. No matter what else you know, be one thousand percent sure you are a fantabulous mom. Your children are so blessed to have you to love, cherish, guide and educate them.

    Be nice to yourself or I will come beat you into it, OKAY?

    Take time and do whatever it is that will help you feel less stressed. You deserve it.
  10. graceupongrace

    graceupongrace New Member


    I have such empathy for you. It is exhausting. I don't think anyone who doesn't live with a difficult child can ever understand how completely draining it is...every single day. :faint:

    Do not feel guilty about being relieved when he's in bed. I'm guessing we all feel that way. It's the only time we can be assured of peace.

    Glad you have respite this weekend. In the meantime, a glass of wine... a piece of chocolate... a good cry... whatever you need. And lots of (((hugs))) from your board sisters!

    Feel free to vent whenever you need to!

    Hugs & prayers.
  11. timer lady

    timer lady Queen of Hearts


    Even though things have gotten "better" with kt & wm, it's taken an extreme drain on the system.

    Very recently, I had to fill out a survey (used for research & team treatment ideas) regarding the effects of adopted/attachment disordered children on my life, my familie's life & my relationship with my husband.

    I promised myself I would be honest & was; I was devastated on the outcome - the level of anxiety, relationship & job issues, resentment, etc the tweedles had/have brought into my life, my "constantness".

    I so understand & empathsize of all you are saying. It's a bittersweet life with a difficult child.

  12. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    I understand the exhaustion, frustration, and the guilt.

    Until very, very recently every time difficult child walked into the room, I could instantly fee the life being hoovered out of me. Even if nothing happened, it was the anticipation. Bedtime was a blessing.

    Cut yourself some slack. It's hard to deal with a challenging child day in and day out. Impossible to do it without feeling drained.

  13. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    Flutterby said her lifeforce was "Hoovered" out...heee heee/sigh/(hugs).
    husband and I use to say that I giant hyperdermic needle just took out all our blood and now we had nothing left. Sadly, I totally "get" this.

    It gets easier when they are out of the house.

    We are happy here at the moment, 'cause our difficult child is seeing a good therapist. Still tiny little baby steps forward, but there are a few more of them at the moment.

    Special ((hugs)) for Sharon and ((hugs)) for all of us.
  14. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I hear you. I know how you feel. It is exhausting.

    I know that your son has diff causes for his issues than my son does, Sharon, but have you tried a reward and punishment system for his negativity? Would it work?
    For example, when my son is really negative, especially in the car, I put him in silent time out. He's very good about it now, but it took months to get it down pat. He kept yelling and of course, when we got home, he earned a trip to his rm for the rest of the night. Ea time he tried to talk, he'd learn I meant biz, so he learned to hold himself in check.
    Also, when he's mean to me and says, "Geeez!!!" instead of "Yes, Ma'am," it costs him 25 cents out of his allowance. When he's really good, he gets a candy bar or a movie (usually rented) or computer time.
    I flat-out refuse to talk to my son when he gets like that. At times like that, the bathroom (with a lock) is my friend. :)
    Also, the medications we're using seem to work better on my difficult child than your son ... again, your son has the crack background and I don't know how much of that is permanent and how effective or ineffective the medications are. I'm sure a lot of his anger is plain agitation and anxiety about being cooped up in his own body, and out of sync, and he takes it out on you.
  15. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    When our daughter was younger and even more so as a teen, she was often very negative. I did my best to show her that she was being negative. It seem to me that she had no/zero awareness and I had hoped that if she could at least be aware of it, it would start her on a different path. Our of desperation, I would say softly "negative" every time she was this way. However, it was a little 'off putting.' On the good side...there were some days were I said it often and that in and of itself was revealing.

    What Terry said...or a version of what I ended up doing. There are times when difficult child is not invited to events and she'll inquire as to why.

    We try to be careful and gentle when descrbing "why," but we let her know that it is because of recent past behavior involving negative comments/behaviors/actions/attitudes on her part.

    Also, if she is negative with me on the phone...I might give her a warning. If she continues to be this way...I quickly get off the phone, even if I have to hang up.

    Bottom line: because Boundaries and Consequences.
  16. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I agree with-boundaries and consequences.

    Also, I wanted to clarify that I lock myself in the bathroom, not my difficult child, LOL!
  17. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Beth-Chocolate sounds good!

    Susie-Thank you for such a nice post. I was seriously lol when I went to that site-I love it!

    Grace-Wine, chocolate, a good cry and hugs from my board sisters sound exactly what I need!

    Linda-Bittersweet is a good way to put it-thanks for understanding.

    Heather-Yep-life being hoovered out is a good way to explain it. In fact, I pretty much said the same thing to husband tonight when talking about the kids.

    Nomad-I sometimes wonder if difficult child will ever be out of the house! I'm glad to hear that your difficult child is making progress right now!

    Terry-lol-I figured it was for you and not him!:) The silent time out in the car sounds like a good idea. We've done rewards and punishments (still do) but it only works so so with difficult child. I'm sure you are right about his anger being partly from agitation and anxiety.

    Nomad-difficult child knows when he is being negative. If it is pointed out (however gently) he says he knows and likes it that way. We do work with the boundaries and consequences. He has a hard head though which makes it so draining!

    Again, thank you everyone for the understanding and good thoughts and ideas (how's that for a run-on sentence?). You all are such amazing people and I'm so glad to call you friends.
  18. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    ME TOO, sometimes.

    That's my difficult child 1 at the end of the day, too :(

    Do we have the same kid living with us?! :tongue:

    Let's run away together for a girls' day out! No difficult child's, No husband's, No Bills, No Laundry, No Housework, No Nuthin'... but FUN!
  19. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Gvcmom-Sounds like a great plan:)