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General Parenting
The demise of parenting ideals....
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<blockquote data-quote="helpmehelphim" data-source="post: 10931" data-attributes="member: 2650"><p>Hi Linda! Your post made me smile. I've felt like that so many times. My parenting style has changed so much on this journey. I'm grateful to my children for that actually. I feel more comfortable now actually helping my son in a way that brings him relief and learning as opposed to what I used to do which fell more in line with what others expected (including some popular philosophies, some health care professionals, well meaning friends, family, etc.). </p><p></p><p>I have fought eating disorders in my life. What you are doing is exactly the right thing in my opinion (who am I to talk as though I have answers...I don't, only the experience that was mine). When one can take another's perspective and when one feels understood, trust can be built. The relationship becomes very important to the big picture (and a good trusting relationship will be protected). What I've found with my son is that he doesn't learn from pain and discomfort. He learns best and is able to cope and make changes (or at least consider them with the big future picture still in focus) when he does feel understood which seems to very much include "whatever works within reason" because it means at least for him that his needs and who he is and how he learns are at the forefront. He is more willing to go through the discomfort of "change" and "getting it" that way (so am I for that matter). I don't mean that all kids are like that, I write here about him. </p><p></p><p>This was really big for me. I wasn't raised this way at all. At my house you asked "how high" when told to jump (nothing was explained, input from children was not asked for and rules were arbitrary). But I reject that now for myself and my kids (also seeing that it totally didn't work with- me has helped that...I know from experience what it created in me and my own eating disorder has been part and parcel). It didn't work for me at all (although for a few years there in my teen years I could spin a pretty good lie to avoid getting in trouble, yet again). I've never read anything you have written (and I do read it...I learn a lot from you and I can feel your strength in your posts) to reflect this type of parenting but rather have read about your mom and the gifts she gave you as well as your own experience that brings you to where you are today. And I read about how you pass on those gifts to your children. I want nothing more than to be that type of parent...</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="helpmehelphim, post: 10931, member: 2650"] Hi Linda! Your post made me smile. I've felt like that so many times. My parenting style has changed so much on this journey. I'm grateful to my children for that actually. I feel more comfortable now actually helping my son in a way that brings him relief and learning as opposed to what I used to do which fell more in line with what others expected (including some popular philosophies, some health care professionals, well meaning friends, family, etc.). I have fought eating disorders in my life. What you are doing is exactly the right thing in my opinion (who am I to talk as though I have answers...I don't, only the experience that was mine). When one can take another's perspective and when one feels understood, trust can be built. The relationship becomes very important to the big picture (and a good trusting relationship will be protected). What I've found with my son is that he doesn't learn from pain and discomfort. He learns best and is able to cope and make changes (or at least consider them with the big future picture still in focus) when he does feel understood which seems to very much include "whatever works within reason" because it means at least for him that his needs and who he is and how he learns are at the forefront. He is more willing to go through the discomfort of "change" and "getting it" that way (so am I for that matter). I don't mean that all kids are like that, I write here about him. This was really big for me. I wasn't raised this way at all. At my house you asked "how high" when told to jump (nothing was explained, input from children was not asked for and rules were arbitrary). But I reject that now for myself and my kids (also seeing that it totally didn't work with- me has helped that...I know from experience what it created in me and my own eating disorder has been part and parcel). It didn't work for me at all (although for a few years there in my teen years I could spin a pretty good lie to avoid getting in trouble, yet again). I've never read anything you have written (and I do read it...I learn a lot from you and I can feel your strength in your posts) to reflect this type of parenting but rather have read about your mom and the gifts she gave you as well as your own experience that brings you to where you are today. And I read about how you pass on those gifts to your children. I want nothing more than to be that type of parent... [/QUOTE]
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