Many of you know I have been battling weight issues for the last couple of years now. My psychiatrist prescribed the antidepressant Remeron and I gained 46 unsightly pounds. Before that horrid medication I was a skinny 120 pounds. I finally quit the medication and joined weight watchers this past summer to help me lose the weight. Over the summer I managed to lose 17 pounds. My goal was to lose 30 more pounds and get back into my size 4 jeans after the holidays. I dropped down to a size 12 and was looking forward to shedding even more pounds. Then Halloween happened. We had a huge party at work and everybody brought a ton of junk food, so I caved in and cheated. I also indulged in some of the kids' halloween candy later that night. My boyfriend chastised me for eating candy when I was supposed to be on a diet. At the time I was pissed at him for opening his big mouth and saying something, but in hindsight I agree with him. I never should have cheated. I decided that since it was a Thursday, I would continue to eat whatever I wanted until the next Monday. I just missed junk food so much. I was really planning on going back on the plan after the weekend. Big *** mistake. I never went back on my diet. I never attended another meeting. I continued to cheat all the way through Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. I have no idea how much weight I've gained back because I do not own a scale, but I can no longer fit in to the size 12 jeans I bought in the summer to celebrate my weight loss. I can't even button them. I'm back into a size 14. I feel terrible. Last month my mom had a big Christmas party and invited all my relatives, who brought me gifts. My grandmother, who absolutely cannot tolerate anybody in the family being overweight, looked me up and down, and with me in the same room, said VERY loudly to my aunt, "Looks like I should have bought Amber a larger sweater for Christmas this year." I was incredibly hurt. My grandma must have known I could hear her. We were in the very same room. That was her way of telling me she knows I gained the weight back (she had previously congratulated me on my 17 pound weight loss at easy child's birthday party in October) and it was her way of showing her displeasure. I feel really guilty and I am super disappointed in myself. Not just because my grandmother said something about it, but because I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted. All that hard work down the drain, and now I have to start over again. But I am determined to do it. This time I don't have holidays to get in my way. I have no excuses. This weekend I am going to Target and buying myself a bathroom scale. I'm afraid to see how much weight I've gained, but I have to do it. I am going back on the weight watchers plan. Right now I can't afford to sign up for another monthly membership, but I still have all the books so I will be back to counting points. I want to lose weight for my health and my self esteem. I am determined to make it happen. Wish me luck!