The dust settles, but where?

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by BloodiedButUnbowed, Dec 8, 2017.

  1. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Hi everybody,

    Just an update. You all are like a second family to me with everything we have been through, especially lately.

    At the moment I am in a period of deep reflection. There is sadness, grief, anger and bitterness, along with a paralyzing fear of the unknown. After everything, and because of everything, I am no longer sure I am in the right place with my wife and her sons. If it wasn't for my fear of being alone, I would probably have already left. I am leaning toward departure but still have enough doubt that I have not taken any steps to do so as of yet.

    I have withdrawn considerably from my wife. While she hasn't said anything directly, I suspect she senses my distance. She is still shell shocked by YS' suicide attempt and has little time or energy for me or our marriage.

    As for me I feel used, depleted and drained by these horrible people. And I include my stepsons in that equation, DS in particular but even YS. He is carrying on with his life as though he didn't try to kill himself. His father is very happy to allow the resumption of the status quo.

    I am very unhappy. I cannot talk to my wife about anything. She explodes into a rage each and every time believing that I am attacking her. Any concern or complaint I have, to her, is "criticism" and leads to her screaming and yelling, and sometimes becoming physically intimidating, though she has not struck me.

    The next time she explodes will be the last - I tell myself. Since I am not ready to leave right now I have simply stopped trying to communicate with her at all. Due to her abusive behaviors and her unwillingness to acknowledge or address them, I can no longer trust her. Due to her inability to discuss anything of importance to me, this is an impossible situation with no solution except leaving. I feel our marriage has already died and is just awaiting burial. My heart has turned cold toward my wife and also her sons.

    Sorry to be such a downer. I guess I just needed to vent.

    I have been keeping up with threads here and responding occasionally. It seems quite a few of us are dealing with drama and shenanigans on the part of our difficult children. Let's help each other stay strong.
  2. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    BBU, I am sorry. You've been a beacon of light and integrity during this devastating time for your wife and her sons......unfortunately it appears this situation opened the door to leaving just a little bit more as you come to your own realizations about your well being and your needs.

    There are some hard choices in life and you're facing one of them right now. Ending a relationship is a huge decision, it makes sense to me that you are weighing all of it and taking your time as you figure out what the next step is. I think like everything else in life, this is also a process as you work through what is not working for you, how to do this part and what you want now. Give yourself the benefit of time. You've stepped're addressing the issues......when you're ready, it will become clear and then you can make whatever move feels necessary.

    You're not a downer, you're facing big life choices and it's appropriate and necessary to vent. I have faith that when the time is right, when you feel ready, when it all lines up.....the decision will emerge organically and you'll know what to do and when to do it.

    Sending prayers for you during this difficult time of choice.....and big, warm hugs too.
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  3. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet


    I agree with RE.

    If it were me, I may just throw it "out there" that I am seriously thinking about a separation. As I say this, I'm thinking of my husband and all we've shared; the good, the bad and the ugly; the love.

    If you don't get any kind of response from her at that time then you'll know you've done all you can do to salvage the relationship.

    Personally I NEED to know that I've done all I can do in any given situation. Maybe you already feel that way. I don't know.
  4. BloodiedButUnbowed

    BloodiedButUnbowed Active Member

    Thanks RN,

    If only my wife could participate in such a conversation. She cannot and that is the biggest reason why I am feeling this way. For the duration of our marriage she has been unwilling and unable to recognize her abusive tendencies and work to change them. When I try to explain how her actions hurt me, ironically, she responds to me with violence....screaming and yelling, and accusing me of being the worst person in the world for "criticizing" her. She is a textbook narcissist and sadly, also a textbook abuser.

    I am very aware that I will be deemed the devil incarnate for "abandoning" her after YS' actions. And even broaching the subject of a separation (let alone a divorce) will be enough to set her off. Before I say anything even approaching this level of magnitude, I need another place to go, and I need to be OK with a certain divorce. There is just no other way out and I say that knowing the kind of person my wife is and her capabilities (or lack thereof).
  5. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Well then you may have your answer.

    I definitely would not be able to handle the screaming and yelling. Period. Nope.

    It sounds like YS has already "moved on" so she needs to! You have tried hard enough to figure her out it seems.

    You have to keep yourself safe and that is the most important thing. And you have a right to be happy!
  6. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Nobody deserves to be abused. Also no one can expect to have a reasonable relationship with an unreasonable person.

    I may overvalue therapy. I apologize for that if it's annoying! I do think talking about this with a neutral outsider is a good way to sort out your feelings and will probably help you feel validated. Also, fear of abandonment is no fun. Makes us stay with negative people so that we are not alone and you may find help for this fear too in therapy if you do.

    You are a kind person. You deserve kindness. Blessings!
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  7. newstart

    newstart Active Member

    I hope you get to a safe place and leave no forwarding address. I could not live with a person that yelled and did not communicate with me, these are highly abusive behaviors. You wrote from your heart and I hear your words. My husband has told me that if our daughter was mine with another man, he would have left me. I know the agony kids can cause to a marriage. Our marriage is good at the moment but the stress and worry that we go through over our daughters out of control behavior is very very hard on us. If our daughter was my husbands with another woman, I do not think I would work on it as hard and no way would I want that kind of agony in my life. My husband and I have to work on our relationship with each other and how we are going to go forward with our daughter. My husband does not even talk with our daughter, he very much dislikes her and she is disgusting to him. This hurts me to the bone, yet I feel the same way and keep plugging away trying to help her and us. But my husband is not abusive or yells at me. I would not stay with anyone doing that, it can kill you on a cellular level. Free yourself and get someone that will love, cherish and admire you as you break free from this toxic family. Good luck.
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    My dear BBU

    Some times the most damaging blows are not the physical ones. Please take care to get supports in place to help yourself get throughout this difficult time.

    Well this says a great deal. You can not sacrifice your happiness and comfort and sanity for someone who is not only unwilling to change but is not even self aware that they need to change.

    Take care and stay in touch. We all deserve to have a supportive loving relationship.
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  9. Nomad

    Nomad Well-Known Member

    Has she refused marriage counseling?
    Could you and her go to at least x number of sessions?
    Agree to a certain minimum.
    Ask your doctor or clergy for a name.
    If she won't even consider a few sessions, I think this is not a healthy sign.
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  10. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    You can't change someone else. You can only change yourself. This is no way to live. Where do you see yourself in a year? Or 5 years? How are you going to get there? Make a plan for yourself. Being alone seems better than this. You deserve to have a good life, I hope you go on and have one!
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  11. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry, BBU. Having left a marriage that sounds similar to the way you describe yours, I can say that I am much happier now, but it was truly a struggle for a long time to get myself healthy and relatively centered. All I can say is that you have to decide what you want, and whether or not what you want is better than what you are settling for.

    Sending hugs and strength. You're truly in a tough spot, emotionally, physically, financially...all those things that play into how and when you take that first step. Please stay safe.
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  12. AppleCori

    AppleCori Well-Known Member

    I am sorry to hear of your wife’s unwillingness to work on her issues.

    As we say around here, the only person you can change is yourself.

    I, long ago,had a spouse with anger issues and an unwillingness to recognize and deal with the issue, so I understand where you are at with this.

    Take care of yourself.

    Let us know how you are doing.

  13. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    BBU, I am sorry for the hurt and pain you are going through.
    This is unacceptable. If your wife cannot acknowledge a need for communication, isn't willing to go to counseling to try and work things out, what can you do?
    Something comes to mind that I write over and over and that is shift your focus.
    We can't control or change another person, but we do have control over ourselves.
    While you are treading these difficult waters, try to find ways to build yourself up.
    It is hard to make any kind of decision when you feel beaten down.

    When faced with difficulties in life, we are severely tested and sometimes lose parts of ourselves in the maelstrom.
    The dust has settled, but you are still in a tough situation.

    Down the Rabbit Hole is an expression often used on CD.
    The swirly whirly when life just is so........confusing.

    "Where are you in all of this?"
    I have asked myself many, many times.
    In the wake of my two d cs descent into addiction, hubs illness (he became withdrawn and reclusive), and his passing, I felt lost in the heavy dark cloud and overwhelming grief of it.

    I lost my "muchness".
    "Alice In Wonderland" (You've Lost Your Muchness Scene)

    I am working hard at rebuilding myself.
    You can too.
    Finding your "muchness" will help you stand from a firmer foundation, whatever your decision is.
    Nothing has to be done right this minute.
    Life is short, but there is time to think things through.
    Building yourself up, will help you tremendously.
    The answers will come.
    You are much "muchier" than you realize.
    You matter.

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  14. wisernow

    wisernow wisernow

    My dear BBU. I concur with what everyone else has said. You deserve a life of happiness and safety. Maybe a therapist can help you get over your fears of being alone etc.
    I too struggled with years as to whether or not to leave my marriage. When I finally took the leap, frightened as I was, I knew I would survive. And in the months after I realized how like that rabbit in a pot, I did not realize how dysfunctional my life had become until I stepped away. The dysfunction had significant impact on my self esteem. Now four years later I am a completely different person and I look back at that time and I regret the time wasted and wondered how I allowed myself to be treated the way I was being treated. You will find your way. Think of yourself again as a young child who was being abused by someone and you were the bystander who could help. Would you allow that to happen? I think not. So please rescue yourself from this very toxic environment. We are all here for you and cyber hugging you.