The Explosive Child, ODD and difficult child's Christmas wish list

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Ma Kettle, Dec 12, 2011.

  1. Ma Kettle

    Ma Kettle New Member

    A week ago we finally had a family session with Half Pint's therapist. Got his diagnosis for her as ODD and Major Depressive Disorder. Was told not to speak badly about 'S' to Half Pint. (For those who don't know the backstory of 'S', he a guy, 4 years older than difficult child, who gave HP her first taste of drugs, got her drugged up and drunk and took advantage of her sexually.) Got manipulated by therapist and difficult child through a dialog to invite another 18 year old guy over to hang out with difficult child (under our supervision, but I never had a chance to explain why I would be against it). Ended with therapist asking me if I wanted to have a relationship with Half Pint. I said yes (crying the whole time). husband said no, not the way she has been acting and how she treats me. And, difficult child said no, she does not want to have a relationship with us. therapist said there would be consequences of having us treat her essentially like a roommate instead of a daughter, but she could choose that. I piped in that we wouldn't buy our roommate the special treats she likes for her lunches and make any special dinner requests she had. therapist said she would have to still clean her room, do the chores she always does and do her homework. HP said she didn't know what she wanted. We all left feeling worse than when we walked in. Why am I all worked up when I am the only one who wants this relationship?

    Bought 'The Explosive Child' and read it in less than 24 hours. Fast forward to Saturday morning. Let HP sleep in a bit and nicely woke her up, told her breakfast and coffee is ready and asked her to do one of the items she has to do every weekend (homework or chores) because she was signed up to help set up for a party at church. (She has to do service project hours for religion class at her private school.) She chose to add to and decorate her Christmas list. Top item is a ferret and second is a tongue ring. Both items have been requested by her before, and the answer has always been no. She (with no problems or attitude) set up for the church party. We get home and somehow she brings up the ferrets. I decide to employ my new found parenting skills from my earlier readings. I said I know she wants a ferret, and that I didn't want her to be disappointed on Christmas morning, so is there any other items on her wish list that she wants more than others? She said no, that's what she wants most, doesn't see why we won't give it to her. I explained (calmly and just short and matter of factly) (for the millionth time) that besided the fact that we rent our home, she doesn't take care of the two kitties we currently live with. Instead of hammering her with Plan A (from the book), I just asked her to think about it and get back with me. Then husband and I asked her what she wants to do that evening (go to dinner, a move, shopping??) By then she was moody and said just stay here. We ended up letting her watch Pokemon Movies while we read/interneted. Best thing was we ended up not spending any money, but it certainly wasn't a fun Saturday.

    So, for you all who have had more therapist and family therapy sessions, was that how it was supposed work out? The manipulation (oh, and she lied to him about something, too, while we were all in there, but I did not call her on it), the 'let's let the 15 year old already choose to not have a relationship with her parents, the sad ending of it all? And, no request for us to do another family session?

    I know I shouldn't be suprised, but why is HP still asking for things that the answer is 'no'? Is it hopes that I feel bad, want her to like me and she thinks I will give in? Is it just to tick me off??? A little of both??

    Right now, I dont' want to get her anything. I don't want really want Christmas at all. The best part is that easy child daughter is coming home from college, and I am afraid to be too excited about that in front of difficult child because she told the therapist we love easy child more than her. I am sure many of you know that old song and dance. So my biggest joy has to be contained.

    Thanks for listening.

    Ma Kettle-40ish married 21 years to
    Pa Kettle-40ish, type I diabetes
    Mary-PCDD-18 away at college, sunshine of our life
    Half Pint-15, ODD, MDD breaking our hearts
  2. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Oh wow, you are amazing. I'm no expert on this but my little opinion, you did very well.

    This is a huge oversimplification, and it is only how I interpret things, I suppose we all take things they way it works for us. I guess I feel like the goal is to reduce overall stress in the home and for the child so by your not engaging in the power struggles since they were not "A" basket things.... you made for a smoother day. It is a great start.
  3. Ma Kettle

    Ma Kettle New Member

    Oh, thanks Buddy! I am sure trying. Figured out, from reading the book, that I am and A basket and husband is a C basket. YIKES! Sometimes and I am a guilty A that overdoes C to compensate. Double YIKES!

    Today I found out that 'S' passed out naked pics of HP. I flipped! But not on HP, on 'S's mom. Also found out HP has an A- in science. I can proudly say I came home, kissed HP on the forehead and told her good job in science. Didn't mention the other at all (told husband the story about 'S' on the way home). husband didn't mention it, either (what's the point, can't do anything about it it and why upset her before bedtime?). Just said good job and keep it up.

    Baby steps, I know. But I am getting there. Wish she would get 'better' (for lack of a better word) faster. Wishing that for all of our difficult child's.

  4. Liahona

    Liahona Guest

    You did do a great job with the pet question. Can't S be prosecuted for distribution of child porn? Sometimes you have to try out several tdocs before you find one that fits. One that HP can manipulate and doesn't listen to you probably isn't a good fit personality wise.
  5. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I've heard that MANY times, but what I have tried to tell difficult child and the therapist is that I can understand why it looks that way. I ask easy child to do something and easy child says, "Yes, mama" and goes to do it. I ask the same time of difficult child and I get fifteen minute argument about why he should not have to do it. Even if the request is something as simple as "please put your shoes on."

    Personally, I think that it's sad that the therapist thinks you should let your 15 year old decide whether or not she wants to have a relationship with you. So now you have to continue to raise, clothe, feed, and financially support a child who thinks that she wants nothing to do with you unless she's asking for something that she wants? That makes no sesne to me.

    I think that alot of times difficult children continue to ask for things that they know they will not get for several reasons. I think that difficult children get "stuck" on something and can't let it go. They only know what they want and they will ask for it continuously. I think that she's trying to break you down. The old "If I ask for a ferret long enough she'll give it to me just to shut me up" angle. I also think that they do this as a form of a test. "If you really loved me you would get me the ferret." Both are frustrating and annoying. If you don't want to give her a ferret, don't. She says she wants ne relationship with you, yet she expects to get what is on her Christmas wish list? That does not fly with me.
  6. Bunny

    Bunny Guest

    I would go to the police with that one. Your daughter is under aged and that is considered child porn.
  7. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not

    In some sense, a 15 year old gets to decide whether they want a relationship with you (or not) anyway - this therapist just made it 'official' by saying it out loud...

    but clearly - the child wants the BENEFITS of a relationship (ie gifts and priviledges)....just not the responsibility (respect, reciprocity).

    Sounds like HP was honest when she said she doesn't know what she wants. So maybe that's the starting point?

    As far as handling the ferret issue? I think you did great! Good for you!
  8. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    I would fire this therapist and get another one. I think he could have been more sensitive to everybody and done a better job.