Yesterday I saw my granddaughter's Psychologist who told me that she was not in need of any therapy at this point. She said my granddaughter was "very strong and very resilient." So, at this point, my granddaughter can call the psychologist if she needs to talk to her, otherwise she's released from therapy. She only went a few times, I wanted her evaluated to make sure she was on the right track and if she needed someone to talk to other then us, that was available to her. She's had quite a bit of therapy over the years. This was incredibly good news, hearing from a professional that my granddaughter was in such good shape, removed a weight off of my shoulders and it felt good.
The other night my granddaughter shared some text messages she had received from her Mom. They were horrible examples of her Mom's cruel treatment of her own daughter by name calling, blame, lack of any responsibility for her bad behavior and a bloated and unrealistic sense of being right. It was hard to hear. My granddaughter had not shared any of this with me so as "not to hurt my feelings" these text messages were old. My SO, granddaughter and I had a long talk about my difficult child. I began shaping a different point of view about my difficult child, one that wasn't a pretty picture. MY SO and granddaughter pointed out that my difficult child has some investment in my NOT seeing the whole picture. Interesting. So with my own inability to see the whole truth through my fogged up Mom glasses and my difficult child's commitment to keep me in the dark, looks like we've had a very unclear picture of the truth going on here.
On Wednesday evening I shared all of this with my therapy group. I got some interesting feedback which I'm still mulling over. The therapist said she thought I had too high an expectation of my difficult child; another mother shared that she thought my difficult child was very smart and very manipulative; I listened intently to what everyone said.
I talked to my SO about all of this, he told me that with all I've done it hasn't changed any behaviors of my difficult child, she hasn't availed herself to any of the help I spent so much time setting up for her. All her bills are beginning to pile up once again, it's just all about the same as it was a year ago. The only difference is that over the last year I've been doing so much work to change ME, to shift my responses and little by little I do feel so much better. This last go round with the local cops stopping her, my immediate emotionally charged response to that, my granddaughter telling me another disturbing piece of this puzzle, my groups pointing out information to me..................I can see that I had hope that if all was lost, my difficult child would rise to the occasion, would get a job, would begin the process of moving ahead,............ but over the last few days, that hope has died. I have another level of acceptance to allow in, my difficult child is where she is and she may not only stay at this below survival level, she may in fact go to jail or end up on the street. I guess I really didn't want to face all of that again, but that is the reality. She won't do anything to change and I've stopped trying for her. So now the ugly truth has arrived and I have to accept this too. It is what it is.
The positive news about my granddaughter helps me to put the focus on her and how well she is doing. I have a sense that after Christmas comes and goes, (I invited my difficult child, so we'll see if she comes or not, I never know what she will do) I will have really let this new level of acceptance and the loss of any hope for change in..........so that that will be my new normal. Right now it's still all a little raw and odd. Yet somehow, oddly, letting go of that final hope is somewhat liberating, that hope kept me embroiled in the quagmire of my difficult child's life, like quicksand.............it feels like I pulled my last limb out of it now........sigh............
The other night my granddaughter shared some text messages she had received from her Mom. They were horrible examples of her Mom's cruel treatment of her own daughter by name calling, blame, lack of any responsibility for her bad behavior and a bloated and unrealistic sense of being right. It was hard to hear. My granddaughter had not shared any of this with me so as "not to hurt my feelings" these text messages were old. My SO, granddaughter and I had a long talk about my difficult child. I began shaping a different point of view about my difficult child, one that wasn't a pretty picture. MY SO and granddaughter pointed out that my difficult child has some investment in my NOT seeing the whole picture. Interesting. So with my own inability to see the whole truth through my fogged up Mom glasses and my difficult child's commitment to keep me in the dark, looks like we've had a very unclear picture of the truth going on here.
On Wednesday evening I shared all of this with my therapy group. I got some interesting feedback which I'm still mulling over. The therapist said she thought I had too high an expectation of my difficult child; another mother shared that she thought my difficult child was very smart and very manipulative; I listened intently to what everyone said.
I talked to my SO about all of this, he told me that with all I've done it hasn't changed any behaviors of my difficult child, she hasn't availed herself to any of the help I spent so much time setting up for her. All her bills are beginning to pile up once again, it's just all about the same as it was a year ago. The only difference is that over the last year I've been doing so much work to change ME, to shift my responses and little by little I do feel so much better. This last go round with the local cops stopping her, my immediate emotionally charged response to that, my granddaughter telling me another disturbing piece of this puzzle, my groups pointing out information to me..................I can see that I had hope that if all was lost, my difficult child would rise to the occasion, would get a job, would begin the process of moving ahead,............ but over the last few days, that hope has died. I have another level of acceptance to allow in, my difficult child is where she is and she may not only stay at this below survival level, she may in fact go to jail or end up on the street. I guess I really didn't want to face all of that again, but that is the reality. She won't do anything to change and I've stopped trying for her. So now the ugly truth has arrived and I have to accept this too. It is what it is.
The positive news about my granddaughter helps me to put the focus on her and how well she is doing. I have a sense that after Christmas comes and goes, (I invited my difficult child, so we'll see if she comes or not, I never know what she will do) I will have really let this new level of acceptance and the loss of any hope for change in..........so that that will be my new normal. Right now it's still all a little raw and odd. Yet somehow, oddly, letting go of that final hope is somewhat liberating, that hope kept me embroiled in the quagmire of my difficult child's life, like quicksand.............it feels like I pulled my last limb out of it now........sigh............