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The gut punch of motherhood
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<blockquote data-quote="Ascending" data-source="post: 762637" data-attributes="member: 29778"><p>Hi Brokeninside, I am pretty new here! And just finding my way.</p><p></p><p>My son is younger than yours (20) (you can read my story if interested).</p><p></p><p>I did let my son back home. With some restrictions . I made the restrictions what <em><strong>I need. </strong></em></p><p></p><p>That is, not that he should get counseling or whatever, but what my expectations and needs are. It is not perfect by any means, but big improvement to what situation was. I try to catch things as they start to fall back into old patterns. I Need to do that now! - I have found the book In Sheep’s Clothing by George Simon especially helpful . It is particularly about dealing with manipulative people. And being able to recognize the manipulation. </p><p></p><p>I also decided to look at things like marijuana use as a <strong><em>choice</em></strong>, not a sickness, not really an addiction problem. He chose to do it. He can choose to get over it. No one but him can make that choice. But I can choose to not accept it in my home. </p><p></p><p></p><p>He also totalled and trashed cars and spent down most of an inheritance. Seemed to think himself very hot stuff where having another and another will just happen. (He does seem to have a good luck superpower, sort of similar to your description of your son, where another and another Hail Mary keeps coming along. And kept getting blown. He also, I think, let “friends” convince him to use things he should not have, first vapes going around his high school, and then moving on from there. Let “friends” have him be the one to take his car out in snow and crash it, while theirs stayed safe and sound. Etc</p><p></p><p>If mine wanted therapy I would help him achieve that, and I did mention it. Particularly Eye movement therapy which could perhaps do a lot quickly. But that would be something he might or might not want to do - so far not. <strong><em>I</em></strong> do not need him to have therapy. And I do not want him to act like therapy is what he provides as his contribution to family. When he was younger he seemed to think guitar lessons or ice skating was a contribution he was making to my well being and to helping household, not something being given to him. </p><p></p><p>Anyway, for him to be here, I do need him to behave himself decently. To treat me well (respect, kindness, etc). And right now, to contribute to some home cleanup etc too. Especially in this week when he is between the two jobs. </p><p></p><p>If he wanted to be home, he had to stop using. Or certainly must not act like he’s using. I know that I may not be able to tell. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Getting a job was part of requirements, and he did get one (luckily my son did want to, just had had an inflated sense of what type first job he could get). ... So far with job 1, worked just briefly then quit. (It was legitimately very disorganized and even potentially dangerous due to disorganization plus tools like chain saws in use.) Now he has another job starting a week from today pending passing a drug screen which at least for me is somewhat of an unknown stressor whether he will have passed. ( And not wanting to call to ask.) </p><p></p><p>I think taking care of ourselves is critical. Not doing so doesn’t help us nor the manipulative adult child. </p><p></p><p>I think giving it to God is huge!!! </p><p></p><p>Probably giving it to God is the best thing we can do!!!</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Ascending, post: 762637, member: 29778"] Hi Brokeninside, I am pretty new here! And just finding my way. My son is younger than yours (20) (you can read my story if interested). I did let my son back home. With some restrictions . I made the restrictions what [I][B]I need. [/B][/I] That is, not that he should get counseling or whatever, but what my expectations and needs are. It is not perfect by any means, but big improvement to what situation was. I try to catch things as they start to fall back into old patterns. I Need to do that now! - I have found the book In Sheep’s Clothing by George Simon especially helpful . It is particularly about dealing with manipulative people. And being able to recognize the manipulation. I also decided to look at things like marijuana use as a [B][I]choice[/I][/B], not a sickness, not really an addiction problem. He chose to do it. He can choose to get over it. No one but him can make that choice. But I can choose to not accept it in my home. He also totalled and trashed cars and spent down most of an inheritance. Seemed to think himself very hot stuff where having another and another will just happen. (He does seem to have a good luck superpower, sort of similar to your description of your son, where another and another Hail Mary keeps coming along. And kept getting blown. He also, I think, let “friends” convince him to use things he should not have, first vapes going around his high school, and then moving on from there. Let “friends” have him be the one to take his car out in snow and crash it, while theirs stayed safe and sound. Etc If mine wanted therapy I would help him achieve that, and I did mention it. Particularly Eye movement therapy which could perhaps do a lot quickly. But that would be something he might or might not want to do - so far not. [B][I]I[/I][/B] do not need him to have therapy. And I do not want him to act like therapy is what he provides as his contribution to family. When he was younger he seemed to think guitar lessons or ice skating was a contribution he was making to my well being and to helping household, not something being given to him. Anyway, for him to be here, I do need him to behave himself decently. To treat me well (respect, kindness, etc). And right now, to contribute to some home cleanup etc too. Especially in this week when he is between the two jobs. If he wanted to be home, he had to stop using. Or certainly must not act like he’s using. I know that I may not be able to tell. Getting a job was part of requirements, and he did get one (luckily my son did want to, just had had an inflated sense of what type first job he could get). ... So far with job 1, worked just briefly then quit. (It was legitimately very disorganized and even potentially dangerous due to disorganization plus tools like chain saws in use.) Now he has another job starting a week from today pending passing a drug screen which at least for me is somewhat of an unknown stressor whether he will have passed. ( And not wanting to call to ask.) I think taking care of ourselves is critical. Not doing so doesn’t help us nor the manipulative adult child. I think giving it to God is huge!!! Probably giving it to God is the best thing we can do!!! [/QUOTE]
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