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The harsh truth....
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<blockquote data-quote="Marguerite" data-source="post: 71822" data-attributes="member: 1991"><p>I think respite for kt will be good. it will also give you a chance to rest and not worry so much about her. And you're right, because she's there seeing it all the time, it's much harder for her.</p><p></p><p>I have a sister who is very vulnerable. As a child she was the one who was often sick, sometimes dangerously. She was frail, she missed a lot of school, she had some brain damage from a dangerously high fever. Major learning problems, memory problems but still very bright.</p><p></p><p>When my father became dangerously ill with TB, he was airlifted to Sydney. My mother flew down also, she stayed with this sister who took it on herself to drive my mother in to the hospital to see my father.</p><p></p><p>Dad wasn't expected to live. His lung had collapsed. The prospect of surgery on such a sick man was that it would be a death sentence, but nothing else was working. My sister had to hold herself together for our mother's sake. Mum was ill too, at the time, needing constant medical care and home visits. My sister's marriage had been shaky for years and this didn't help. But she held herself together, she was amazingly strong. She talked to us at the hospital the day Dad had his surgery - she said she'd been crying a lot (we all had) and that it felt wrong to begin grieving our father while he was still alive. She carried a huge burden on behalf of the rest of us and we were all very grateful. We could also see the toll it was taking on her.</p><p></p><p>Dad came through the surgery but his lung didn't reinflate. He had to have another surgery - it had never happened before, we were told.</p><p>he survived the next surgery but was never well again. When the time came for him to be discharged back home, Dad couldn't cope emotionally - he had expected to die, and now was alive - he had been grieving for himself. All this is normal, but seeing it all was hard to handle. My sister did amazingly, but when our parents were flown home, she came unstuck. Not as badly as we had expected, but we had to rally round a bit to hold her together, to reassure her she had done a wonderful job supporting our parents.</p><p></p><p>Something that worked for us - we reminded her of all she'd been through even as a very young child. She had survived against the odds, numerous times. And now our father had survived impossible odds. He had been our inspiration; so had she. All her life she had felt herself to be the weakling, now she had found strength inside herself she had not realised was there. Every ordeal successfully overcome has been another strengthening treatment for her.</p><p></p><p>In her turn kt, too, has a lot of strength. This is hard on her, especially seeing so much of it (which is unavoidable) but this is all strengthening her, too. She is learning, through seeing you, just what she is capable of herself. She is also learning HOW to cope. It's being forced on her (by life) which she is fighting against (this is natural) but the eventual outcome will be the knowledge of inner strength to see her through unknown future problems.</p><p></p><p>In my family we now use my surname as a battle cry. Thanks to our father. If someone's having a tough time, we remind them, "Don't forget you are a ____!"</p><p></p><p>Even those not genetically related, such as my brother in law who has no other family but us - the term applies to him too, because he has been part of our family for so long, it rubs off.</p><p></p><p>If, through this, you can give kt some sense of her own strength, this will be a positive she can hold on to and own now, as a talisman for the future. It is also a form of belonging which she probably also needs right now.</p><p></p><p>Hugs to you all.</p><p></p><p>Marg</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Marguerite, post: 71822, member: 1991"] I think respite for kt will be good. it will also give you a chance to rest and not worry so much about her. And you're right, because she's there seeing it all the time, it's much harder for her. I have a sister who is very vulnerable. As a child she was the one who was often sick, sometimes dangerously. She was frail, she missed a lot of school, she had some brain damage from a dangerously high fever. Major learning problems, memory problems but still very bright. When my father became dangerously ill with TB, he was airlifted to Sydney. My mother flew down also, she stayed with this sister who took it on herself to drive my mother in to the hospital to see my father. Dad wasn't expected to live. His lung had collapsed. The prospect of surgery on such a sick man was that it would be a death sentence, but nothing else was working. My sister had to hold herself together for our mother's sake. Mum was ill too, at the time, needing constant medical care and home visits. My sister's marriage had been shaky for years and this didn't help. But she held herself together, she was amazingly strong. She talked to us at the hospital the day Dad had his surgery - she said she'd been crying a lot (we all had) and that it felt wrong to begin grieving our father while he was still alive. She carried a huge burden on behalf of the rest of us and we were all very grateful. We could also see the toll it was taking on her. Dad came through the surgery but his lung didn't reinflate. He had to have another surgery - it had never happened before, we were told. he survived the next surgery but was never well again. When the time came for him to be discharged back home, Dad couldn't cope emotionally - he had expected to die, and now was alive - he had been grieving for himself. All this is normal, but seeing it all was hard to handle. My sister did amazingly, but when our parents were flown home, she came unstuck. Not as badly as we had expected, but we had to rally round a bit to hold her together, to reassure her she had done a wonderful job supporting our parents. Something that worked for us - we reminded her of all she'd been through even as a very young child. She had survived against the odds, numerous times. And now our father had survived impossible odds. He had been our inspiration; so had she. All her life she had felt herself to be the weakling, now she had found strength inside herself she had not realised was there. Every ordeal successfully overcome has been another strengthening treatment for her. In her turn kt, too, has a lot of strength. This is hard on her, especially seeing so much of it (which is unavoidable) but this is all strengthening her, too. She is learning, through seeing you, just what she is capable of herself. She is also learning HOW to cope. It's being forced on her (by life) which she is fighting against (this is natural) but the eventual outcome will be the knowledge of inner strength to see her through unknown future problems. In my family we now use my surname as a battle cry. Thanks to our father. If someone's having a tough time, we remind them, "Don't forget you are a ____!" Even those not genetically related, such as my brother in law who has no other family but us - the term applies to him too, because he has been part of our family for so long, it rubs off. If, through this, you can give kt some sense of her own strength, this will be a positive she can hold on to and own now, as a talisman for the future. It is also a form of belonging which she probably also needs right now. Hugs to you all. Marg [/QUOTE]
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