The higher the heel, the closer to God :O)

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by scent of cedar, Jul 17, 2013.

  1. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    We've been talking about ways to feel better about ourselves. Today? I am wearing heels. Nice, spiky ones.

    With rivets and sequins on them.


    And red nail polish.

    I don't even feel like the same woman.

    I'm just sayin'.

  2. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Washing my hair and brushing it out, it's long and generally gets washed and braided every three days, so brushing it out letting it dry and not being rushed through taking care of myself. Moisturizing my face and body, colorado is really dry or using the oil cleansing method on my face (google it, it's awesome)

    I love heels and I have a pair that resemble jewelry more than shoes. Love 'em.

    Clean sheets.

    Library books or a new book in general.
  3. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Taking 30 seconds to really look at something beautiful. Stars? When do we actually take 30 whole seconds to be still and just look at the sky? Or the tiniest weed....
  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yesterday I took the day off, SO and I took granddaughter, granddaughter's boyfriend and SO's grandson to the State Fair. Hot sun, fried Oreos, corn dogs, fried everything, ice cream cones dipped in chocolate, walking,..... walking........walking, watching the kids roll around in big plastic bubbles in a pool of water trying to run.............fits of laughter for no reason.............a slow, relaxing, duty free day of nothing but big smiles and fun............
  5. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Fried Oreos?!?


  6. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    *Barbara- this is the actual menu at the Fair......amazing![​IMG]
  7. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    So, last night? We sat outside? And husband played Johnny Cash really loud. (No neighbors around, right now.) Then? He got all "Understand Your Man" on me.

    It was hilarious!

    We BOTH sang along to the song about how he was going to Jackson to mess around.


    What is it about that old music that makes everything so easy, I wonder? Dean Martin, Roy Orbison. The Beach Boys, for goodness sake.

    Nice breeze. No bugs. Playing Johnny Cash too loud.

    Great night!

    If only we'd had some fried Oreos.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    You put a smile on my face! Thanks DDD
  9. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are so funny Barbara.

    I am definitely not a high heels type of gal. I would all and break my neck.

    In fact Im not very girly at all but I love to do girly things with my granddaughters. Pink, earrings, making bead jewelry, watching those toys that make the ceilings look like stars, even just snuggling up and watching late night TV together.

    Oh and making chocolate dipped strawberries.

    Husband and I love to get away from everyone every once in a while and just be us. We can actually get along quite well when we
  10. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Barbara, that sounds lovely.

    I've been working really hard this year to look after myself too. A few things I've been doing lately are:

    - making sure to eat properly and get lots of exercise no matter what. I have a standing appointment in my calendar for workouts, and schedule the rest of my life around them.
    - going shopping in my closet for things I haven't been able to wear since before the twins were born -- a direct result of #1, above
    - wearing the aforementioned new-old clothes with the highest heels in my shoe wardrobe. (Is it sad that my nickname in university was Imelda, after Imelda Marcos?)
    - listening to the 60s music station on the car radio with the windows down, singing at the top of my lungs (sometimes in harmony) and not caring who can hear me
  11. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Okay Im gonna be sarcastic here so understand that going in.

    Trinity, good thing you dont live in FL because it seems loud music can get you shot...lmao. Your post just made me smile and I thought about that case at the end. My running joke in my car is that anytime I hear one of those cars with the music so loud you can hear it a block away is "should I pull the pistol out Pa!"

    If you havent heard about this case my post makes absolutely no sense and I realize
  12. trinityroyal

    trinityroyal Well-Known Member

    Skotti, I haven't heard anything about that case. That's just crazy.

    I don't actually play the music all that loudly, I just sing along at top volume. An added bonus is that it embarrasses the children, which is one of my favourite pastimes, and one of my life goals ;-)
  13. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Ha! :O)
  14. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I've just finished a 3 day detox, no food, just green juice and soup.........I feel great today. And, I lost 6 pounds too! It felt like the timing for this detox was great, weeks after I had my 'blow out' with my daughter...........letting go of the toxins in my body as well the toxicity in my life with my difficult child. I had my acupuncture appointment on Friday and she told me that my body has moved out of the fight or flight syndrome so prevalent in the world of difficult child's............and the level of relaxation I felt with this detox and the acupuncture was more then I hoped for. I've lived in so much trauma and drama for so very long, after awhile it just becomes the way it is. As I let go of all of that, after years of therapy and working diligently on my own issues, getting the stress out of my body and mind, I now can feel a real difference.

    SO and I went on one of our favorite hikes yesterday, around this beautiful lake near us, a place that I find peaceful and a feast for the eyes. I am doing something daily which is fun for me, healthy, in keeping with my new found commitment to myself. We were talking about how many changes have occurred in the last year and a half with my difficult child. It occurred to me that I am no longer motivated by fear, I am not attempting to control someone else's life and anticipate all the potential dangers lurking in the shadows. What a relief! I have all of this space now in my head, it's emptying of all the chaos as I learn to be peaceful. I notice that sometimes in a quiet moment I still think 'there must be something I am supposed to be doing, something I am supposed to be handling or fixing'..............and then I remember, 'wait, there isn't anything to do now.' It's taking time to let go, but with all the support around me, each day it's getting easier and easier.

    Next week we start a new yoga class. I want to lose another 10 pounds to get back to my 'pre difficult child craziness' weight. I feel positive and excited about the future and new possibilities. I've been gardening a lot, something which is very peaceful for me, my mind takes a real vacation when I'm digging in the dirt. SO and I are planning more outings on the weekends, there are so many beautiful hikes where we live, we're taking advantage of that now. I'm getting more used to this quiet place inside of me, all that endless chatter of what I had to do next is pretty much gone. I am very grateful. It's been a long journey out of difficult child darkness.
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2013
  15. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Recovering, you have worked very hard to find, and to freely walk, a better path. I am so proud and happy for you! As always happens when I read your postings, I celebrate with you, and I celebrate again, for myself. I know that, if one of us can do this ~ if one of us can make those first scary, conscious choices to reinterpret our realities and choose freedom from guilt, if one of us can choose to refute that little voice continually speculating about how, if only we'd been brighter, if only we'd acted sooner, if only we'd seen it coming, we might have changed these outcomes...then I can, too.

    It's especially wonderful that you have given yourself permission to fall in love with yourself, and with your own life, again. So many of us live under a pall of punishment, desperately believing that if we just try harder, we will stumble over the answers we need.

    Perhaps where you are now is where I am going, next.

    Recovering? I will think of you so often as I give myself permission to take that healthier path, again and again. Reading your posts, I get the feeling that it is a series of small, everyday choices that eventually finds us viewing the events of our lives from a whole different mountaintop.

    Life must look very different from there, Recovering.

    Here is a toast to both of us then, and to all of us, here on the site. We are toasting ourselves, toasting the children we love and the lives we are happily reclaiming.

    Hear the ring of the crystal?

    Know what we are drinking? That green juice you used in your detox.


  16. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    Skotti, here is something my granddaughters loved. It turned out to be something the whole extended family loved, too. We heard stories, harrowing tales of life experiences, funny things about people long gone, magical fairy tales from the little girls and monster-bashing tales from the little boys. :O) So, here is what you do. Along with whichever grandchildren are there now, go for a walk to find a special stone. This will be your family's Story Rock. It should be big enough to pass from hand to hand without dropping and losing it. Ours had those sparkly little pieces of mica in it. That was the beginning "magic." What I told the girls was that, each time we held the stone as we told a family story, the rock kept a little piece of our family history in it, and became more ours. We had that rock for years, and used it every time the family was together. What we did was to turn televisions/phones/computers ~ everything had to go off. No music, either. Story Rock was only ever done at night. Then, whoever is there (sometimes, it would only be me, husband, and the grandchildren) sits on the floor in a circle. A white candle is lit. (See how cool this is getting?!?)

    First, Grandma holds the rock. That way? If no one comes up with a story, or if, as it was in the beginning, everyone is too shy to begin, the grandma can start things out. So, have a story ready, Skotti. I used to start with the story of the smallest child's birth. It's important to include the littler kids. This will get the emotional tone rolling in the most amazing way. When the next person is ready, they get to hold the Story Rock. Only the person holding the Story Rock can talk. We have had great-grandmothers tell stories of what it felt like to hear the bombs fall, during WWII. We have heard stories of first love, of teenage goofiness, of challenges met. We have heard fairy tales and spooky tales (This is only from the youngest ones. Those who are old enough to understand the purpose is to interact as a family need to tell true, family-related stories.)

    When the stories have run out, the candle is blown out by the youngest child present.

    We did this for years. The kids absolutely love it, because, for once, the adults are quiet enough to be present, and the kids get to speak and to be heard.

    Incredible memories!

    We still have our Story Rock. We keep it here, at Grandma's, where it is safe.


    And now? Since you told us about enjoying driving with husband when the house is full of difficult child's...I will tell a story, too.

    True story.

    So, husband and I were much younger, then.

    Our house is very small. difficult child children living with us put such a strain on our marriage that we would leave the house just to get away and reconnect with one another, too. So anyway...does anyone remember when, years ago, Mars was making its closest approach to Earth? Well, this house is in the forest. There are huge trees everywhere. In order to look at the sky, you either have to go out on the water, the golf course, which is not so far from our house.

    So, that is what husband and I did.

    Sneaked away to watch Mars do whatever it was supposed to be doing.

    Well, don't you know, one thing led to another as we were waiting for Mars to show up, and husband and I ~ well, you know what we were doing. In our own car, late at night at the closed golf course, with the car windows open for those cooling night breezes. All at once? We were being sprayed with what felt like water hoses! You know, the way they used to spray mating dogs to separate them?


    Turned out?

    We were parked right over the automatic sprinkler system.


    I think of that story every time I hear anything about Mars to this day!

  17. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    How funny about your shower from Mars!

    The rock sounds like a good idea. We used to have a talking stick when the boys were little but they outgrew it by the time they were teens.
  18. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Thank you Barbara, you're very kind. I wholeheartedly agree, if we can move through this territory and emerge, certainly changed, but with a new vigor for our own lives, for our own story, for our own excitement and joy, then anyone can. It is hard work, as you know and yes, "it is a series of small, everyday choices that eventually finds us viewing the events of our lives from a whole different mountaintop." Beautifully said Barbara, it is indeed small choices everyday which add up to deep and profound changes that take us away from the chaos.

    An example of that is yesterday SO and I were on our way home from a drive talking about something related to difficult child. In a short time I realized that in talking about her, I did not have that stressed feeling in my stomach, I was not imagining her sad and dejected, it was as if there was a mute button on feelings and imagination in terms of my daughter. I looked at SO and said, "I'm free." It was an odd feeling, of course, just as if I were speaking about a neighbor or someone fairly distant. It isn't that I don't love her or always wish for her happiness, it was more that I felt detached, no emotional component working overtime to pull me away from myself. It's as if this process has made my core self very strong, with very clear boundaries, very clear 'truths' which will keep me out of the fray.

    Another interesting result is that in having to so clearly pinpoint manipulations, lies, different ways people try to get what they need in unpleasant or negative ways, in stopping bad behavior in my own personal sphere, it's opened my eyes to this all around me. I am not tolerant of being treated or addressed in any manner which is not only respectful but is reciprocal, trustworthy, loving and healthy. I am more able to see this in others now, see it in all my environments and interactions. In working so hard to heal myself, I developed a sense of self that is in many ways more tolerant and compassionate, yet conversely much less tolerant for bad behavior. It's just not okay to step over certain lines and now those lines are crystal clear. In that respect, it is a sort of a blessing underneath the suffering, to know myself and be true to myself..........

    I'm holding up my glass of green juice in a toast to you Barbara and to all peaceful warriors.......
  19. scent of cedar

    scent of cedar New Member

    I have seen some surprising changes in myself too, Recovering. There is a strong, clear-eyed part of me awake, now. Without emotional entanglement, I can understand, with a shrug, the term "unacceptable."

    In the past, I have always "understood", have always had compassion for, unacceptable behaviors. Now? There is a boundary, crystal clear, as you said. There isn't anything especially emotional about it. Some things are simply unacceptable to me. What the other guy does about that is up to him. I'm not talking about my daughter, specifically. I am talking about suddenly seeing life in a very different way.

    And some things are, simply, unacceptable.

    This is unusual for me. To see things that way, I mean.

    It doesn't happen often, but when it does, I am absolutely comfortable with whatever position I take. Part of it is feeling less judged. Interestingly enough, the reason I feel less judged is because I no longer judge myself so harshly for what has happened.

    It was a choice to try to do that, to try to learn how to change my internal dialogue.

    A sincere thank you to everyone on the site, that I was able to accept myself well enough to make these attempts at healing.

    Part of it is having found safe harbor within myself. I am still learning the parameters of that one. It seems that I may have lived my life seeking affirmation "out there." I do believe that young women, especially, come to understand personal power, personal value, as a thing that comes from outside themselves. Could it be that, as long as we get the man, as long as our children are beautiful and perfect, as long as we remain attractive, we don't go any deeper?

    It does very much feel like being awake, now.

    Having experienced one tiny awakening, I understand I may be asleep at the wheel in other areas of my life, too. Buddha is supposed to have said something similar, right? I think it was when he came to, under whatever tree it was that he'd been sitting under. Someone asked what had changed, and he said "I am awake."

    The answer to that one, of course, is "So you believe."

    Clear eyed, a very clear line...those are good analogies for the way this feels.

    Determination is in there, too.

    A thousand times a day, I become aware of negative judgments I am making. About myself; about myself in relation to difficult child. About husband. About the task I am engaged in. You are right. It is a conscious choice to negate those negatives. I don't think we can do it though, until we are really there.

    What is the green juice called, Recovering?

  20. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am in no way up to the level of you two. I have no idea if I can ever get there. Hopefully one day but now I am still so attached its not funny. Im sure it helps if the two parents are on the same page and actually getting along with each other but Im not sure how to make that one happen either.