The Holiday Visit

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by New Leaf, Nov 26, 2016.

  1. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    We had an early Thanksgiving lunch and were lounging about in the afternoon, bellies content with holiday fare. Son, Hoku, her b f and I. The sting of Hubs not being here for Thanksgiving for the first time, waxed and waned throughout the day, having the kids close helped ease the pain.
    The dogs began barking and footsteps approached, then Rain's face peered into the window.
    I saw her the weekend prior and asked if she would join us, but was not sure if she would come. Her situation had suddenly changed, she left the park she was at, and the boyfriend she was with at the time, hadn't seen her for a few days.
    This is not surprising to me anymore as she comes and goes with the rain, and wind. There is a tinge of anxiousness at each gusting shift, then a sigh.
    The old tapes reel with a mocking "This is your life!"

    as memories step forward to testify and the audience in my head doesn't laugh and clap like the old show, they just sit there with a shocked look, blinking in disbelief and dismay.
    My Hoku and Son roll their eyes and declare "What else is different, Mom?"
    So Rain appears on this holiday afternoon with her new but really old boyfriend, who just got out of jail. I invite them in. He is a smooth talker, so he thinks. A fellow that has enough street written on his face that makes you wonder what is the story and truth of his life, or the words floating out of his mouth.
    I tell Rain the food is all put away, but she is welcome to make plates and sit down and eat. She asks me if she has any clothes here and she does, so she takes a shower.
    Old new boyfriend proceeds to tell me how much he loves my daughter and that he is working and planning to get them into a place as soon as he can. The words melt out of his mouth like campaign promises as I try to keep a straight face. His sunken dark rimmed eyes shifted with the cadence of his jive. Rain emerges from the shower, and I ask her what her fathers favorite saying was and she replies..........
    "Talk is cheap."
    That kind of echoed through the now silent room.
    "Talk.......is........cheap.....cheap......cheap......cheap.
    I tell him he talks a pretty talk but I would prefer he show me, because at this point we have been there, done that and I am venting because he made the mistake of saying "I would never turn my back on her.".......which I took very personally as it flung salt into the wound of having to turn my eldest daughter away to the consequences of her choices too many times. Homeless, living in a park. My daughter, whom I have loved before she was even born, and love her I will, until my last dying breath.
    Rain was in the kitchen making plates of food and I told him a thing or two about this and that and how much we had been through with both of our d cs and how they are grown women and responsible for their lifestyles. Then he made the mistake of saying he would never judge anyone and their choices.......
    :919Mad:
    REALLY? Well, I said that I do not judge anyone either, but I do know that God gave us the ability to have good judgement and that I knew from past experience that I am not the one to help my daughters, that they need to seek help with the resources out there that have the training to help them, when they really and truly want the help they need.........deep breath, Leafy. AND.......that my son had been through this roller coaster of drug use, rip offs, violent episodes his entire life and it is WAY past his turn to have my undivided attention. Then I said that my husband has died and I am still grieving not only his death, but the lifestyle my daughters choose for themselves. That I know they are capable of much more.That every single day it takes tremendous energy to carry on with my own responsibilities knowing my daughters are out there struggling with addiction on top of everything else I am dealing with. I think I also added that meth makes people do and say things they wouldn't normally do and nobody, not mother, father, sister, brother, aunty, uncle are spared from that.
    I also added that I love my daughter very very much and hope to see her realize her great potential before I die.
    :furious:
    Did I mention I went on a bit of a rant with this guy?
    And yes, my daughter was in full earshot.
    There is more.
    I won't go in to the more detail, but, I think old new boyfriend was trying to flimflam me into letting them stay here. He did a lot of talking, but also got an earful to think about. When they were leaving, it was raining. Pouring. Those of you who have read my older posts may notice a theme here, that oft times my girl appears and disappears down the road in the rain. I offered to put them up for the night (which I instantly regretted......), or to drive them to the park. New old boyfriend wanted to stay, but Rain refused.
    The downpour ceased and off they went.
    Hopefully the pretty words will grow into fruitful beginnings. Only time will tell. Time. And my well children. They tell me stuff. Especially when the lines start to blur with my mother love, aching heart and grief, they remind me that Rain is still using and not ready.
    There is no sign yet of her being ready or willing to quit meth.
    I think I have reaffirmed boundaries and established some rules of engagement.
    It still hurts.
    I am angry.
    I will be on my toes with this one. With hubs gone, my hackles are raised and I am in full defense mode. What is the saying? "If someone shows you who they are, believe them."
    I have seen him before. About two years ago, Hubs allowed Rain back and she brought new old boyfriend. Shifty, claimed he was working, no money to show for it, no forward momentum. Pretty talk. With the last pitiful sick of the enabling roller coaster hope in me, I hoped. Then he disappeared, Rain soon after.
    Fool me once.......then numerous times........open your eyes Leafy.
    Eyes wide open,
    Viktor Frankl thoughts coursing through my soul.
    Reminders that she is capable and has great potential.
    I know that I am not the one to invoke that. I can channel it in my mind, repeat it, a mantra.
    You are capable, you are smart, you are gifted.
    She has to want it.
    When she is ready, she will.
    But, no more falling for pretty talk, and broken promises.
    She's got to show me.

    Leafy
     
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  2. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    New Leaf,
    Hawaiians have many words for rain (Hanau Ka Ua) depending on its intricacies, the makani, the places it falls. As we get to know of your Rain more, she shows her intricacies more also (and some old new makani she is bringing along too).

    But Leafy, be patient, take courage and strengthen your heart. Even with / or despite all the tension she brings, I can see she feels her connection with you. She knows you are there, a standard in her life, with your quiet and strong inner spirit. She remembers your and her Dad’s values. She shows some insight and understands your position. There is a remnant of respect.

    These days we keep umbrellas handy as standard equipment when the rain falls. And you, dear Leaf, show your skill in whipping up your “detachment” umbrella to protect your burdened shoulders from the mists, showers and downpours from your Rain.
    Good Job, Leafy! You saw the need for and showed confident prompt action in time to nip it in the bud with old new guy, to make the boundaries and rules of engagement clear with him.
    Yes. When she is ready, she will, and you will know it very clearly, dear.
    Malama pono. Aloha nui.
     
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    Last edited: Nov 27, 2016
  3. JaneBetty

    JaneBetty Active Member

    Well, she refused the offer of a stay. That seems encouraging in an odd way.

    Leafy, I read your account holding my breath, hoping it was not going to end disastrously.

    I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And glad you said the things that you did.
     
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  4. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    Oh Leafy, I am sorry for the sadness of your first TG without dear hubs and sorry you had to deal with drama on top of loneliness.

    I too read your post with bated breath...I am glad it ended well.

    But...OK...

    Would it be wrong of me to say I wish I could have been a fly on the wall, to see new-old's face as you gave it to him? That sure was a holiday he won't soon forget!

    I'm very happy that Rain did come by, to shower and get a good meal, to visit her family and recharge her base. You and hubs are still her base, Leafy. In spite of it all, your and hub's influence is in there, grounding her. It's such a beautiful and permanent and unalterable love, no matter how far she strays. And I too am encouraged that she refused your offer to spend the night. There is a respect there.

    I'm so very happy and proud of the way you reestablished some ground rules (a/k/a cut through the BS).

    And I'm still chuckling when I think of new-old's face...
     
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  5. Tanya M

    Tanya M Living with an attitude of gratitude Staff Member

    You are very wise Leafy.

    I'm glad that you got to see her and am very impressed at how you handled the old new boyfriend, well done!

    My heart is with you as you go through these "firsts" without your dear husband. You are doing great.

    :hugs:
     
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  6. Echolette

    Echolette Well-Known Member

    Leaf,

    you kept your head while in a potentially very crazy place, with the holidays, the unexpected visit, the loss of your husband...would have been easy to be gaslighted, or to smile and nod. You are very strong. I'm so glad you have that asset!

    Echo
     
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  7. Childofmine

    Childofmine one day at a time Staff Member

    Ah, Leafy, I'm sorry but I'm also cheering you on here, celebrating these things...you got to lay eyes on her on Thanksgiving...you got to say your piece with strength and resolve...you didn't have to say it to her but she HEARD it...

    I think this is a positive thing too.

    Love this scenario. Sometimes we just have to say it all...again...and it relieves us for a while. I hope you are feeling relief, that you called it like you see it...and they heard it.

    Like you said, who knows if it will make a difference or not? We know drugs are all-powerful and mow down everything in their path until the day THEY want to stop.

    You have his number, clearly. That is so good.

    I'm sorry for this holiday without your husband. I can't imagine how hard that was and still is, and I'm sure the whole encounter with Rain had you on the highest emotional alert on top of that.

    I hope you are okay today and recovering from that experience and are hanging onto the good parts of it.

    Warm hugs Leafy. You are one strong Warrior Mom.
     
  8. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    I came join this past post today. So very fitting for where I am at. Building boundaries and facing the holiday season with an empty void of where clean and sober son once was.

    They do have to want it and I know this. I have to stay strong.

    I know my son never goes far from base even when he is out of the home. It is difficult but maybe it too is a good thing.

    Because of the theft and his irradic behaviour when he gets out of jail his time he will have a court order to be bid new than 500 feet near us. It is for the best.

    This is your life! Could not have said it better.
     
  9. Guilty Mom

    Guilty Mom New Member

    Thank you
     
  10. New Leaf

    New Leaf Well-Known Member

    LBL, hard to believe this was one year ago, the time flies so quickly by.
    With all that is swirling around you, I hope that you are able to enjoy the holidays.

    I know, I know, it is hard.

    I am hoping that with sons youth on his side (well it really is a double edged sword, because youth can make us all do a whole lot of stupid) :cautious:, but.........you have a whole lot of smart on your side.
    Not putting up with shenanigans, being firm in your resolve to not enable are tools that will help you both.

    While he is so young and three years in the grip of this, he has a chance to turn around.
    I know my two do as well, but it has been a long road for them (and us)

    I recently spoke with a family friend and he said "Rain is still living in the park?"
    Gulp
    "Yes she is, it is her choice and I can't for the life of me figure out how anyone would choose this, but choose it, she does."

    I suppose the long years of this have hardened my armor, if I had to feel the pain of it every day, I don't think I would be able to get up out of bed.
    Jedi mind tricks.
    On myself.
    Switch the focus, Leafy.
    Pray.
    Be Spock. (Star Trek Spock, not Doctor Spock )

    It is not that I am so strong, I am really just so tired of feeling the misery of my twos consequences.
    That is why I am still here on CD, to remind myself that there is nothing to be done.
    To try to help others in the throes of it, in turn it helps me.
    Reading and writing here, also warns me, "Don't go there again Leafy........"
    Not to say that I don't have my moments of deep sadness.......

    It is not that I have given up on them, I have given up the notion that I am the one to help them.
    I am not a counselor, or a psychologist.
    That is what they need.
    Not to be housed along with their mother, who at the same time, they are looking at as an opportunity, a potential victim.
    I would be the victim of their manipulations, if I let them.

    I truly believe part of the machinations of addiction is to pull down loved ones into the rabbit hole so as to confound us into enabling the user.
    I totally de-personified that didn't I?
    Machinations of addiction.
    Huh.
    This is not the little children we so lovingly raised.
    Yet, it is.

    There within lies the challenge.
    "How can I enjoy myself when my daughter is living in a park?"
    Says the emotional part of me.
    Then comes the stoic voice in my head
    "Would you go down the tubes emotionally with them, really? How would that help?"
    It takes a lot to pull up, in the midst of it all.
    Geez, after all of these years, I have had a lot of practice at it.

    It is really a grieving.

    Not the grief of losing a loved one, but so, so similar, and maybe harder, because our d cs are still here on earth.

    Of course emotion takes over when these episodes of stupid, the consequences, are staring us right in the face.
    Grabbing us by our hearts.

    Then come the holidays, and the tapes of yesteryear start to reel through our heads and it is hard to find time to be........joyful.
    Peaceful.
    Mindful.

    It is really important.
    For you.

    And your son.

    The emotional stress of all of this is off the charts.

    Holidays can ramp it up with the "Norman Rockwell" imagery of family dinners everywhere around us.

    That is your Spock voice, LBL. It is for the best, for you and him.

    Consequences of his choices.

    The tapes will reel, and the imagery is there for him, too. He may try to shove it down, but those memories are there.

    I cherish those memories now. It used to drag me down to think of them because of what is happening.

    I am thankful that we had some beautiful moments as a family.

    Creating cherished moments now is where I am at.
    Life is too short to languish in the what has, what if’s and what may be.
    I don't want life to pass me by.

    "It is through gratitude for the present moment that the spiritual dimension of life opens up."
    Eckhart Tolle

    That is what I meant by golden moments in another post. Not that life is all golden. We are like miners sifting and sifting through the river of life for the big moments, that big chunk of gold. Even in troubled, challenging times, when the river is murky, still we pan, there are tiny flecks of golden moments we can sift out, and they add up. We miss out on the flecks, if we are only focused on the big chunk of gold we are wishing for.
    Our d cs to be well.
    It may, or may not happen in the time frame we wish for.
    Still, tiny flecks are all around us.

    A beautiful sunrise.
    Good health.
    A walk.
    Birdsong.
    Gentle breezes.

    Take time through all of this, LBL, to not only find little golden moments, but to create them.

    Continue to build yourself up.
    Shift your focus.

    As Kalahou says "You will be alright."

    You are steadily walking through this, one footstep at a time.

    You are strong, and you are not alone.

    (((HUGS)))
    Leafy
     
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  11. Kalahou

    Kalahou Active Member

    Mahalo, Leaf ~ ~ It's an awesome day today in Kuʻu ʻĀina.
    I am thankful I read your post just now, as your message holds a gladness I want to savor as I'm heading out for a walk under the big sky.
    ~ Malama pono to all.
     
  12. Littleboylost

    Littleboylost On the road unwanted to travel

    Oh I feel this Leafy. Yesterday was a wasted day of gut wrenching tears and searching for answers I know don’t exist. Today up active productive. Christmas musics. Yes and maybe even a decoration or two. If we pull out of it it does get easier. Tears today too but productive with tears.

    Ther is no trying about it. I know I KNOW without all the wisdom from you here I would not have survived this. You are all a blessing. Survived and living life with JOY :semi-twins:. When I can’t kick my but and get moving, I hear it from all of you. Get up! Get up! and get on with it!

    Yes it is, I have to see the glimmers, I need to learn to not let them hook me, but Cherish them all the same. I am happy that E came home, we did have a lot of good conversations, some of the best we have had in 2 years! He knows we love him. Even though he was full on manipulating and theiving, he felt and experienced our LOVE. Perhaps he is just as conflicted as we are perplexed:groan:

    The term I use is grieving in perpetuity, and yes Leafy they are still among us. Good and bad but more good than bad. Where there is life, there is hope. :angel:

    This reminds me that I am better than I was. A wise friend told me to celebrate my memories of motherhood and not to let his current behaviour tarnish those memories. What a great perspective. I was able to look at photos and be proud of the job we did caring and raising our boy. I used to Collapse to the floor if I saw a picture of him. Being unable to breathe and be hysterical with Blame and guilt.


    Those little fleck are indeed around us. Some days all I see is very dark and black. Yes a dose of Spock and pulling back from the black hole is critcal. For what ever the reason we are all here is not known to us. Nor are there answers to all the tragedies and woes in the world. It is what it is.

    What pain there is in my Es heart; or any of our children’s hearts that drove them to where they are....Jail or the third bench to the left in the Park....it will always be a mystery to us. But we will always honour this pain and do our best to help them through it when they are ready.

    Strength from pain. I can remember watching a YouTube video of an aushcwitz survivor speaking of forgiveness. It was an incredible mind shift for me. I am a fast paced energetic highly reactive person. I learned to pause and not react. I learned to forgive for me. This was huge. It helped me cope so much better with Es behaviour.

    I did lose my :censored2: a little when my fiend told me the things he was saying about Hubs and me ....beating him and such :overreactsmiley:

    I could laugh at myself later as my friend said calmly don’t you think I know that? He is delusional and detoxing. :noobiesmiley: Blunder.

    Well back to the house work and off to the movies with Hubs. Not feeling it but doing it any way
    :vacuumsm: