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<blockquote data-quote="Littleboylost" data-source="post: 723763" data-attributes="member: 21895"><p>Oh I feel this Leafy. Yesterday was a wasted day of gut wrenching tears and searching for answers I know don’t exist. Today up active productive. Christmas musics. Yes and maybe even a decoration or two. If we pull out of it it does get easier. Tears today too but productive with tears. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Ther is no trying about it. I know I KNOW without all the wisdom from you here I would not have survived this. You are all a blessing. Survived and living life with JOY <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/semi-twins.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":semi-twins:" title="semi-twins :semi-twins:" data-shortname=":semi-twins:" />. When I can’t kick my but and get moving, I hear it from all of you. Get up! Get up! and get on with it! </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Yes it is, I have to see the glimmers, I need to learn to not let them hook me, but Cherish them all the same. I am happy that E came home, we did have a lot of good conversations, some of the best we have had in 2 years! He knows we love him. Even though he was full on manipulating and theiving, he felt and experienced our LOVE. Perhaps he is just as conflicted as we are perplexed<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/emoticons/groooansmileyf.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":groan:" title="groan :groan:" data-shortname=":groan:" /> </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>The term I use is grieving in perpetuity, and yes Leafy they are still among us. Good and bad but more good than bad. Where there is life, there is hope. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/angel.png" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":angel:" title="angel :angel:" data-shortname=":angel:" /></p><p></p><p></p><p>This reminds me that I am better than I was. A wise friend told me to celebrate my memories of motherhood and not to let his current behaviour tarnish those memories. What a great perspective. I was able to look at photos and be proud of the job we did caring and raising our boy. I used to Collapse to the floor if I saw a picture of him. Being unable to breathe and be hysterical with Blame and guilt. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Those little fleck are indeed around us. Some days all I see is very dark and black. Yes a dose of Spock and pulling back from the black hole is critcal. For what ever the reason we are all here is not known to us. Nor are there answers to all the tragedies and woes in the world. It is what it is. </p><p></p><p>What pain there is in my Es heart; or any of our children’s hearts that drove them to where they are....Jail or the third bench to the left in the Park....it will always be a mystery to us. But we will always honour this pain and do our best to help them through it when they are ready. </p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p>Strength from pain. I can remember watching a YouTube video of an aushcwitz survivor speaking of forgiveness. It was an incredible mind shift for me. I am a fast paced energetic highly reactive person. I learned to pause and not react. I learned to forgive for me. This was huge. It helped me cope so much better with Es behaviour. </p><p></p><p>I did lose my <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/censored2.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":censored2:" title="censored2 :censored2:" data-shortname=":censored2:" /> a little when my fiend told me the things he was saying about Hubs and me ....beating him and such <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/overreactsmiley.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":overreactsmiley:" title="overreactsmiley :overreactsmiley:" data-shortname=":overreactsmiley:" /></p><p></p><p>I could laugh at myself later as my friend said calmly don’t you think I know that? He is delusional and detoxing. <img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/noobiesmiley.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":noobiesmiley:" title="noobiesmiley :noobiesmiley:" data-shortname=":noobiesmiley:" /> Blunder. </p><p></p><p>Well back to the house work and off to the movies with Hubs. Not feeling it but doing it any way </p><p><img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/2012/vacuumsm.gif" class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":vacuumsm:" title="vacuumsm :vacuumsm:" data-shortname=":vacuumsm:" /></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Littleboylost, post: 723763, member: 21895"] Oh I feel this Leafy. Yesterday was a wasted day of gut wrenching tears and searching for answers I know don’t exist. Today up active productive. Christmas musics. Yes and maybe even a decoration or two. If we pull out of it it does get easier. Tears today too but productive with tears. Ther is no trying about it. I know I KNOW without all the wisdom from you here I would not have survived this. You are all a blessing. Survived and living life with JOY :semi-twins:. When I can’t kick my but and get moving, I hear it from all of you. Get up! Get up! and get on with it! Yes it is, I have to see the glimmers, I need to learn to not let them hook me, but Cherish them all the same. I am happy that E came home, we did have a lot of good conversations, some of the best we have had in 2 years! He knows we love him. Even though he was full on manipulating and theiving, he felt and experienced our LOVE. Perhaps he is just as conflicted as we are perplexed:groan: The term I use is grieving in perpetuity, and yes Leafy they are still among us. Good and bad but more good than bad. Where there is life, there is hope. :angel: This reminds me that I am better than I was. A wise friend told me to celebrate my memories of motherhood and not to let his current behaviour tarnish those memories. What a great perspective. I was able to look at photos and be proud of the job we did caring and raising our boy. I used to Collapse to the floor if I saw a picture of him. Being unable to breathe and be hysterical with Blame and guilt. Those little fleck are indeed around us. Some days all I see is very dark and black. Yes a dose of Spock and pulling back from the black hole is critcal. For what ever the reason we are all here is not known to us. Nor are there answers to all the tragedies and woes in the world. It is what it is. What pain there is in my Es heart; or any of our children’s hearts that drove them to where they are....Jail or the third bench to the left in the Park....it will always be a mystery to us. But we will always honour this pain and do our best to help them through it when they are ready. Strength from pain. I can remember watching a YouTube video of an aushcwitz survivor speaking of forgiveness. It was an incredible mind shift for me. I am a fast paced energetic highly reactive person. I learned to pause and not react. I learned to forgive for me. This was huge. It helped me cope so much better with Es behaviour. I did lose my :censored2: a little when my fiend told me the things he was saying about Hubs and me ....beating him and such :overreactsmiley: I could laugh at myself later as my friend said calmly don’t you think I know that? He is delusional and detoxing. :noobiesmiley: Blunder. Well back to the house work and off to the movies with Hubs. Not feeling it but doing it any way :vacuumsm: [/QUOTE]
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