the holidays - sigh

[Steely]

So, recently I have been hit really hard with this enormous 10 ton load of loss - it is hard to even stand up. It is truly physical.

It is Christmas, and I miss my sister, and difficult child, more than one could even articulate. I would say more than half of the time, I am fine. Especially when I am at work, or "busy". However, periodically over the last week, I just feel like the grief demon is slamming me to the ground. It is more physical than even emotional. Primal.

I can't talk to difficult child right now except for a couple of times a week, and only with a counselor on the phone. And I won't see him on Christmas, obviously. And so there is this enormous pain welling up inside of me. I find myself just talking to him in my head, about silly things. Hey M, it snowed today. And OMG, you should have seen your dog D. And you know what happened today?

And then there is H., who I still constantly talk to in my head. OMG H, you wouldn't believe what dad said. H., I am reading this book, XYZ, you would love it. And H., you know what happened today?

I don't even know really what to do. Any ideas on how to make the intensity stop. What can I say or do when I feel this loss monster ready to eat me from the inside out?
I do the traditional things, therapy, exercise, friends, blah, blah, blah. Nothing seems to detour the loss, except experiencing it, and trying to at some level accept it.

 

[klmno]

I think you've been doing great- it's obvious from posts that you've come a long way, but I'm sure that is still a lot more to get through and more adjusting to make- especially with M not being home and just being worried about him. I wish I had an answer of how to make it quit hurting and be easier on you...I don't, so all I can offer are hugs and cyber-friendship and a ear to listen...

You really have come a long way though- don't forget that!!

 

[flutterbee]

Steely, all I think you can do is experience it and accept it.

I wish I could take some of your pain.

(((hugs)))

 

[ThreeShadows]

Oh, Steely! Many hugs and rocking you like a baby...I think you answered your own question:experience the loss and accept it. This is a journey of pain, you go through it to get to the other side.

 

[slsh]

Steely - this is just my opinion. I don't think you can or should detour the loss. I think it's something you have to experience in all it's horribleness in order to get to a point where it doesn't constantly consume you. I think the only thing that lessens the intensity is time - and I know that that is no comfort to you right now.

My daughter (Boo's twin) died almost 20 years ago. I spent from Nov '88 til Jan '89 in the hospital. My first holiday season as a wife, my first as a mother to be. Thanksgiving and New Year's were spent in ICU. Christmas I was in my own room, but at that point could no longer walk. That experience has colored every single holiday season since, so many unhappy anniversaries sprinkled in the season.

But.... the first 5 years afterwards were *really* bad and hindsight being 20/20, I think that I made it worse because I fought against the grief so hard. I simply couldn't bear the physical pain that grieving brought me. I know you know what I mean - where it feels like your body is just consumed and hurts and you simply don't know if you are going to be able to draw another breath.

I felt so completely alone in my grief and maybe... I don't know but maybe grief is supposed to be alone and private, because we all do it differently. husband grieved, no question but he did it so differently - to me it appeared he accepted and moved on, where I just could not let it go.

I think when I finally really just faced it head on, almost embraced it rather than fought it, had some counseling, did some really painfully honest writing about my anger and resentment and all those bizarre emotions that come with grief... that, combined with the passage of time, got me to a point where I wasn't a complete wreck for the holidays.

Some years are easier than others - this year seems to be one of the harder ones in recent memory, probably because it's been 20 years now. The difference is that I now allow myself to grieve for what we lost, rather than fight the feelings. It's a tidal wave, sweeps me up and carries along, but when I stopped fighting it so hard is when I finally learned to co-exist with it.

I wish I could say something to comfort you now, rather than just offer the hope that with time it really will become more manageable. I remember that raw feeling, really indescribable... like nothing will ever be the same, which it won't, but things will be okay again, just different.

I can only send you many hugs and empathy and good thoughts.

 

[tiredmommy]

{{{Steely}}}

I think Heather has it right... this is something you will need to experience to get through it. You've come a long way and you are strong enough to come through this in one piece.

 

[meowbunny]

Steely, it's already been said by everyone else but I did want to make a suggestion. Keep two journals. One for your for your thoughts to H. The other to M. The journal for M is something you can send him on a weekly basis. I bet he'd love to read what silly thing his dog did or how you handled the snow and cold. I know my daughter liked getting "Mom's Thoughts." This, of course, was on top of any letter I wrote. The letters frequently had the hard-hitting comments. The journal let her know what was happening and that she was thought of daily.

In the meantime, just HUGS. I know it is hard to believe but you will survive this. I hate cliches but do use them, especially when true. This is definitely an accurate cliche: Time will make it better. It will give you the distance you need. Sadly, you have much to grieve this holiday. Not just the loss of your beloved sister but the estrangement from your parents and the necessary removal of Matt.

I'm sorry. I wish I could take your pain away.

 

[Wiped Out]

(((Hugs)))

 

[Jena]

Steely - You are such an amazingly strong and resilient person, with whom right now unfortunatley i think and agree that your going through the phases of it all. I know it hurts and just remember that it is ok to let yourself feel where you are and how it feels. We often try to run from it, because we don't like to feel hurt or uncomfortable. Yet i've come to learn through experiencing my own mourning regarding different things there is another side and you will come out of it.

So many hugs i'm sending you, we are always all here

(((hugs))))

 

[susiestar]

(((hugs)))

 

[gcvmom]

Can't add anything to what's already been said.

Are you able to do some volunteer work at all? I know that can be helpful in the grief process.

Hang in there... I think you've come a long way.

(((((HUGS)))))