The Honeymoon is Over - Reality is not always a rainbow

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by RN0441, Feb 18, 2019.

  1. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    So son did great for a few months. I mean beyond great. He was p.e.r.f.e.c.t.

    Then I came home from work one day and he was obviously drunk or high. It was his day off since he works most weekends. I had a knot in my stomach the size of Texas. Husband and I just looked at each other. Neither of us could believe it was happening. He was cooking something and we just knew by his actions and just by looking at him. How dare he.

    Now keep in mind, he has been working full time. Has gotten 2 raises and otherwise is doing very well. He has saved $2000 but pays his car payments and insurance and other expenses. He has been very responsible. I mean a person that I never thought I'd see has emerged.

    Somehow I knew that this day would come. I just knew that we would to follow the harm reduction model which is something another mother on here told me about. We have become confidants. She is more educated than I could ever dream of being.

    Long story short, we drug tested him that night. There was MJ in his system but nothing else. THAT was my worry. He admitted to husband he had a few beers. Well a few too many. He felt very bad and apologized and said it would not happen again. Husband found the beer in his closet. Husband told him that it is fine if he has a few beers and that he wants him to do it out in the open. My husband put them in the fridge. He then asked him for a hug. Husband is not a hugger. My husband handled this like a champ.

    We never had a conversation with him about drinking or MJ when he came home. I didn't want to face it. We should have like my friend did with her son. I had told him no pills or he's out because that is when he gets crazy. We didn't address the MJ in the drug test. I think it was because we were so relieved it was not pills.

    Everything back to normal except did smell weed in the house one day - another day off - he denied then admitted it. I read him the riot act and told him if he does it again he has to leave. I will not have him disrespecting my home.

    He wants to get a better job and we explained that he would be tested (like he was for this job). He said that he would quit smoking. That he just does it on his days off because "it makes him feel good". DUH I get that. He did say that he knows he needs to take a hard look at himself and that he just wants to be normal.

    I prayed on how to handle all this and when I spoke to him Friday about smelling the MJ I said everything I needed to say and it just flowed out of me, maybe because I asked for help.

    Somehow I feel like we are in a better place now and we all know where we stand and what our expectations are. He met a new girl a few weeks ago and she's a few years older and has a child so this could be good for him. She's been to the house a few times and they've been out to dinner and to the pier and he says he really enjoys her company because she is a talker and he is not. She is a local here and very sweet and seems nurturing so maybe this will be a good thing. They have a lot of plans to do things together and he needed at least one friend here.

    Recovery looks different for everyone. We're trying to stay positive but we have firm boundaries on what our expectations are and I feel better than I have in a long time. I do not know what the future holds. I just had to let everyone know that there are and will be bumps.
  2. Albatross

    Albatross Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear that, RN. I certainly don't feel qualified to offer any words of wisdom (you know my backstory), other than you and Hubs will decide what's acceptable as far as licit or illicit drug use, and he will or will not abide by your limits. I sure hope he decides to nip it in the bud right now, though. Prayers for all of you.
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  3. Crayola13

    Crayola13 Active Member

    Did he say what triggered the desire to use and drink? When people get off work, they might be bored or unable to unwind, which are often triggers. Does he have a hobby for after work, or when he doesn't see his girlfriend?

    He was doing great. We can hope this is a one time thing.
  4. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Actually things are good. We are okay with him drinking a few beers. We never thought that he would not do this at some point and we never openly discussed it. He has been doing that in moderation after this incident.

    As I mentioned I was afraid to bring it up.

    After our initial shock, I have to say that we feel he is still doing great. He goes to church with us when he is off on Sundays - which he asks for but doesn't always get. He is very responsible with his truck and his things and his job. He is polite and keeps himself and his room and bathroom clean.

    We feel good about where he is right now. I just wanted to let you all know what our experience is.

    Not everyone stays away from alcohol if they can handle it, then that is the determining factor for our family.
  5. EarthIsHard

    EarthIsHard Member

    Boy, do we know that look!
    I'm so glad you all are doing well. It's a tough call on what limits are especially in your house. It's nice to hear your son is responsible. But, oh, that look, is this OK?, where will this lead to?, what road are we going down now? It's nice there are so many positives with him now. Fingers permanently crossed!
  6. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh, RN, I am so sorry. I hope he is one of the few that can handle a few drinks or using pot occasionally but there is a saying that an addicts' drug of choice lies at the bottom of a glass. The alcohol lowers the inhibitions and the addict uses again.

    I so hope I am wrong. I was worried when your son didn't want to participate in a support group. I truly believe that was the key to my daughter's recovery. I know that she believes that a person in recovery shouldn't use any mood altering substance. She once told me that the reason she kept relapsing was that she would do well for a while so she thought it wouldn't hurt to have one drink. Then, it was two drinks. Then, three. You can guess what would happen after that.

    I know that there is a school of thought that addicts/alcoholics can drink or smoke on an occasional basis. I hope it works for your son.


  7. RN0441

    RN0441 100% better than I was but not at 100% yet

    Yes yes I know.

    I told him that due to his HISTORY I do not feel that he should smoke weed. I gave up on telling him he shouldn't drink because well, I know it's not on the table. And if he is moderate I'm okay with it.

    Naturally HE thinks it's not a big deal because it's legal in so many states, blah blah. I can't fight society. He is 23 but not 23. I know that you all know what I mean! More mature than he was though honestly. WAY more.

    He agreed he would not do in our home or his car so I have no clue where he will do it. It will make it harder for him = good.

    He has worked almost 60 hours this week. He had to be at work at 6am today. He just does it. He has a great work ethic now. Always on time etc.

    He and new girl are an item now. I prayed that he would meet someone good for him and then she just appeared! I did not pray for kid in tow but hey maybe that will end up being a good thing! He hasn't met her yet. He is a nurturing person so it should be fine.

    I just am being honest here because I really do want to help others and if we aren't honest then it's not really helping.
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