The koi's going to hit the fan ... and I'm hoping it's all good ... someday

Discussion in 'Substance Abuse' started by TerryJ2, Dec 5, 2012.

  1. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    I had posted this summer on the WC about my Dad dying from Alzheimer's, and my b-i-l dying from a brain tumor (lung cancer that metastasized) within 4 days of one another, and how my older sister, A, lost her house because her husband, B, had invested in a ranch that went down the tubes, forged her name on other items, had lost a lot of bills, was way behind on the mortgage, got pulled over and ticketed 3X in one day in the Hummer in 3 jurisdictions for wreckless driving (I'm not sure if he found the keys or if A gave in and gave them to him), plus, she lost her job ...

    She and her husband always had drinking, smoking and health issues.

    Now, she's alone and she's definitely still got drinking issues. I haven't said anything because I didn't think she was ready for it. I did say, "Good," when she told me she'd gotten on some medications from her dr back in May (I think it was Lexapro) but that's all.

    She has called me about once every 10 days since B's death, and has always been drunk. But she is generally just looking for a shoulder, so I've just listened, and told her how glad I was that she was moved into her new townhouse (a cousin bought it for her, as an investment for himself) and she was beginning a new life. I told her she has been through a lifetime in one summer and that it is going to take time.

    Turns out she's been calling my little sister, M, nearly every day. Drunk. Lonnnng, drawn out, dragged out, one-way conversations. M also found out that when A spent Thanksgiving at another sister's, K, she was so drunk, they had to put her to bed instead of letting her go home.

    M is so happy, now that she no longer has to care for Dad, and that her daughter, C, about whom I have posted on this board, has successfully completed her fourth in-house treatment for meth, and has been clean for 6 mo's, the longest ever.
    M, newly "free," is re-claiming her life, and understandably, guarding her time and newfound laughter and joy ... and does not want to deal with-sister A.
    She has talked to A about her drinking, but has never put anything in writing.
    Yesterday, she wrote her an email.

    She said she was protecting her "space," especially after dealing with-Mom, who was an alcoholic and heavy smoker, and died of squamous cell carcinoma, and then Dad, and then C. She simply cannot deal with-A, no matter how much she loves her. been there done that. She said she needs to go to treatment.

    We're all getting together in Calif for Christmas. Staying in the same house.
    Let the fun begin! :hangin::scared:
  2. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    It's clear that there's huge family history there. I can totally understand where M is coming from. Since the siblings will all be together for the holiday, could you all stand to try an intervention on A, or is that out of the question?
  3. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Oh wow. I am so sorry for everything your family is going through. And so sorry that you may end up in the middle of all of it.

    I admire that your sister M has taken a stand to protect herself and has drawn boundaries. At the same time, I know that makes it more difficult and puts more pressure on you.

    Are M and your niece part of the Christmas plans? Or does her newly drawn "space" mean that she is opting out? I am really not informed about post-recovery transitions; but I can't imagine that M's daughter being around an active addict would be healthy for her new-found sobriety. (even if their substances are different)

    I don't have any answers or advice - but want you to know that I care and am sorry for your troubles. And so sorry that this will add stress to your life. Yuck.

  4. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Geez, Terry, what a story.....I'm so sorry you are in the midst of all of this family stuff. I am glad for M, I understand personally how liberating that is and I hope she maintains her stance. I hope you can define your boundaries as well, family has a way of blurring all of those lines. Sending hugs Terry, stay strong and lean on us if you need to...........perhaps finding a source of support, your NAMI group? A place you can feel nurtured and heard..........
  5. buddy

    buddy New Member

    ummmm, Happy Holidays?

    I am off to get Q but will catch ya later, yikes.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Thank you.

    Yeah, considering that there are five kids, I guess one of us had to be an alcoholic. :) And for those who say it is ALL nature/addiction vs nurture, K and A are identical twins, so that theory gets thrown out the window. :)

    I don't know if Christmas would be a good time for an intervention, although I may email my s-i-l and brother, who are hosting, to warn them that there may be an impromptu intervention if A gets wiggy. My brother is aware that my little sister sent the email. He is perfectly willing to discuss it with-the rest of us ... as long as A isn't there. A lot of good THAT will do.
    He was part of C's intervention, which was a big flop, so he's not big into that. Plus, he's Mr. Corporate-Make-It-Happen-Now, and has no clue about mental illness and substance abuse. He's also big into denial. He's very good at taking care of himself and getting the h*ll out of there if there's an explosion. That was his MO as a kid, too.

    He and his wife have sort of taken A under their wing, and they flew her to Calif to watch their 14-yr-old son while they were out of town. A was his chauffer and cook. :) He is a budding genius and easy as pie. But A was worn out, chauffering him around, because his mom has signed him up for a gazillion activities. Then my brother had to fly to China for a biz trip, and my s-i-l offered to send A along for the ride.
    Pretty amusing. A is not adventurous, plus, traveling to China alone is about the worst thing she could do after the death of her father and husband, loss of her house and job and dog. She needs routine, routine, routine.
    I'm not a therapist, but that's my 2 cents worth.
  7. lovemysons

    lovemysons Well-Known Member

    Oh my Terry,
    Had no idea your family was so affected by Sub Abuse.
    Prayers for A and for C's continued sobriety.

    Sure hoping the family get together will bring about a positive turn of events.

    I agree that A needs routinue/structure...needs to know what to expect next and how to live one day at a time.
    Do you think she might agree to an AA meeting?

  8. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    WOW! This is from my little sister:

    I got an email tonight that was honest, thoughtful and I'm sure… hard to write.

    I was incredibly impressed and thankful!
  9. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Holidays with the family can be stressful enough without all of the additional problems your family has. Glad she responded to the email well - maybe she realizes she needs help.

    I have an aunt that appears to be mixing pain medications with alcohol. I'm very worried about her after her soon committed suicide in September. She is not much oldee than me and has just given up on life.
  10. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Holey Moley......what a pleasant surprise! DDD