The Light Bulb went off

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Im a Believer, Dec 19, 2008.

  1. Im a Believer

    Im a Believer New Member

    Hi Friends ~ As I have pondered my difficult child#4's sons recent suicide attempt and observed interactions at the hospital between my family members - I think I am seeing the reality of the disfuncion of our family in a new light.

    I have often wondered why my ex is always "KING" in the eyes of all my kids dispite his abuse to most of them and forlack of a better word out and out jerky personality.

    I have blamed myself and battled guilt for longer than my soul can bear.

    My ex never respected nor valued me in our 20 year marriage but I respected and treated him with value.

    Of course my kids don't know how to value me - They have never seen it demonstrated.

    I have never understood why they wouldn't be happy for me that I now have been married to a man for 6 years that does cherish me and is so very good to them - He has provided for my children in so many ways.

    It just dawned on me - That is foreign to them - They don't understand why I am being valued and they see it as "he has taken me from them although they are all mostly adults".

    I'm not sure if it is appropraite to list this type of post here so thanks for letting me share my feelings.

    I cannot believe the weight I feel has been lifted off my shoulders.

    I have not experienced being with my ex for any length of time since our divorce 10 years ago so this week has indeed been an education.

    Thanks for letting me share - Judy
  2. janebrain

    janebrain New Member

    Hi Judy,
    this is the perfect place to post your lightbulb moment! So glad you are feeling like a weight has been lifted from your shoulders and I am glad you are in a good relationship now! Keep posting--you never know when one of your lightbulb moments will resound with someone else or get someone thinking about their own relationships.
    Thanks and hugs to you,
  3. katya02

    katya02 Solace

    Hi Judy,
    I'm glad you're feeling relief from the misery that comes from trying to figure out strained relationships. Kids, even adult 'kids', seem to react with hostility to the parent who ends an abusive marriage, even when they've been abused as well. They seem too invested in wanting the family unit intact to be able to see the bigger picture. Treating you with respect is something they'll have to learn from scratch, seeing as they never saw it modeled for them. But as adults they should be able to figure it out, especially with the good role model your second husband is providing.

    Hugs to you, and :) for your lightbulb moment! :)
  4. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    {{Judy}} I'm glad that you were able to finally figure this out.

    It took me since forever to figure out why my youngest daughter (difficult child, who was less than 2 when I left her dad) idolizes her dad. I understand it better now and understanding helps ME to change how I react to her and her attitudes towards both me and my current H, who has been her step dad for nearly 13 years of her 19. You'd think that by now she'd have seen the light.

    For some reason, my older daughter, easy child at 21, completely gets it and loves her step dad; they have an awesome relationship. She was our biggest cheerleader when we chose to get married - she so desperately wanted to be like everyone else (her idea of "normal') and have a set of parents, the house, the yard, etc. For her it signified stability. For my difficult child it signified something else completely (betrayal of me against her biodad) and I can't change that.

    Just like you can't change your kids' perspectives on this. You just have to press on and model the kind the marriage you hope they will have one day and pray that it sticks in their minds.

    It is very difficult for people living in constant chaos and walking on eggshells to suddenly not have that kind of tension in their lives. It's almost boring, you know? They have been programmed one way and now they are like salmon swimming against the current. Hopefully they will figure it out. In the meantime, I'm glad that your relationship with your H is so wonderful and fulfilling. I hope they see that one day.
  5. flutterbee

    flutterbee Guest

    When I was younger (my parents divorced when I was 8), I idolized my father who was abusive, an alcoholic and a drug addict. I think it was because I was so hungry for his love.

    I'm glad you have found some perspective. However, they are adults now and they'll need to learn how to value you on their own and for themselves.
  6. Suz

    Suz (the future) MRS. GERE

    Hi Judy,

    Light bulb moments are great, aren't they? Hopefully your younger pcs will benefit from the positive modeling your current husband is providing.....and that one day it will have an impact on the older ones, too.

  7. Jena

    Jena New Member


    I'm glad you figured it out as well for yourself. Ah-ha moments are great. Piecing it together brings peace of mind as well. I'm glad that through this that occured. Often children who are from abused situations or abused themselves i've learned run to the abuser and have them on a pedestal. I've read it's because they want to make "them", the abuser ok, since their the ones' that are always not ok.

    I have no idea if that made any sense........

  8. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Miss KT has Useless Boy on a pedestal as well, and treats Hubby like something she needs to scrape off her shoe. But for the past (almost) 9 years, it's Hubby who worked two jobs to support us, Hubby who took her places, went to her sports events and performances...and she's so awful to him. Useless Boy can barely drive an hour to spend any time with her, but he's just gold as far as she's concerned.

    You're right, Judy, in that it seems foreign to them. Miss KT keeps trying to get Useless Boy's attention, and when the boyfriend treated her the same way (not returning calls, not spending time with her, etc.), she keeps trying to get his attention as well.

    Glad you were able to figure it out.
  9. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    People do not change easily. Your children are comfortable in thier disfunctional roles and you need to just detach and go foward with your life. Eventually they will either catch up or you will be so strong in your knowledge that you deserve respect that you will keep a level of detachment from thier perceptions. Enjoy your new life and your new love (husband). You deserve the love and respect. -RM