The melting of my M&Ms

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by Steely, Aug 28, 2011.

  1. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Gosh there are so many things going on with our board, burglaries, storms, heart attacks....I feel remiss even posting. Certainly know you all are in my thoughts and prayers.

    It has been a really long month. I have been one on one with Matt for more than I have in 3 years. Matt, M&M #1, let's call him yellow, and I spent a week getting his house ready to sell, pack, and load onto the moving truck. I did the same with my house, and we then drove the 3 day trip in my Jeep, with 3 dogs, duffel bags, and other cr@p restraining and confining us into the car. My Jeep will never be the same. The upside to the trip was that all 3 dogs became the best of friends.

    We arrive at my new house, with the premise of him spending the weekend and then the mover would drop off his stuff at his new place on Monday. Well, the mover arrives on Monday to find that the contractor was still working on Matt's trailer. The trailer was torn into a million little projects that my mom had started and the contractor never finished.

    Now this brings us to M&M #2, my Mom, who has to be the color red. Well, remember when she told me that she didn't want Matt to move to Portland because she didn't want the responsibility - and I kinda went off and told her how much it hurt my feelings that I had sacrificed the last 6 months to help her with Dad? I told her that she did not need to have ANY responsibility for MATT - it was a big city - and I could handle things.
    And then remember when I posted that I was worried about my Mom, because she wasn't dealing with her grief?
    Well......she is metaphorically melting.
    For whatever reason, either reason one or two from above - she chose to completely remodel Matt's trailer. Completely. Down to every nail.

    So I had Matt stuck at my house - with no where to go - for um - weeks. It started off as a neat time at first. A time of healing and bonding. And then, as it always does, it crumbled. He became moody, hostile, intimidating. Then he moved onto suicidal ideations, hating himself, hating me, and his entire life and world. Oh good god!!!! Really, there is a reason we don't live together - our dynamic is NOT healthy. I know it is 1/2 my fault in the way I react to his statements and drama - but at that exact moment I was not prepared to start a field class called "practicing for a healthy relationship with a difficult child 101".

    The time for him to move in dragged on and on, as the contractor found this to fix and that, and Matt's anxiety continued to heighten and excel. My Mom wanted it so perfect she almost broke my heart. I kept wanting to say it is MATT, it does not have to be anywhere near perfect - but she was in Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) overdrive. She worked there with the contractor until 11 at night and got back at 7 in the morning. I mean, it was an entity all it own, that I did not have the force to change.

    On a Monday my mom said the house was about to be ready - and that I should bring Matt and the dogs. So we all pile in and I arrive to find the house in total disarray. I mean there were 3 contractors, my mom, matt, and me - with it completely NOT move in ready. I was baffled, beyond baffled, why would she think it was ready? I seriously was concerned for her mentally.

    Matt almost blew a gasket. It is not like we could just step in and help them - there were too many people already. She knew that, she didn't want our help - I guess the contractor had told her it would be ready by this day and she just told us to come without analyzing the situation to realize there was no way possible Matt could move in yet. We also had the 2 dogs, and my mom had agreed to let the previous owners cat stay. Well the dogs go into this tiny backyard, and the cat goes all out Ninja on our 2 50lb dogs. Our dog Steely started shrieking in a way I have NEVER heard a dog do - just crying at the top of his lungs. I thought the cat had killed him. I told my mom to have the owner come pick up the cat ASAP.

    I went up to Portland 2 more times, one of which I kinda went off on the contractor. Well he boo hoo'd to my Mom about how mean I was for hours, and she listened!!! And when I brought it up again she said, well, he has been working 16 days straight - you have to realize that. Whhhatt???? I felt as if I had entered the twilight zone.

    WHEW. Unbelievable month. I am so tired, drained, confused, and in limbo there are few words I have for myself other than I NEED SERENITY NOW!!! I have it now, the house is silent - which is whole other post in itself. After so much chaos, the silence can be daunting. What, no fires to put out??? Now what?

    I have a new psychiatrist for Matt who he sees Wed., so that is good. He is there now, in Portland, so that is good. The things that kid says are unbelievable - still - 15 years later - he has that deep fiery anger that is going to destroy him if he doesn't address it.

    My Mom, after working 16 days in a row with the contractor, has now driven 10 hours to Idaho to go hiking for 2 weeks with friends. While I think it is great she is having a retreat of sorts - I am just worried about her drive to be "doing" anything and everything since Dad died. I am not sure if I should talk to her about it or not - but this whole scenario has left me feeling like something is really wrong. I feel afraid I am going to lose her. She literally has not been alone, or absorbed in a huge project since my Dad died. She has had guest, visitors, and projects galore since he passed. And again, while I think that is healthy to some extent, it has appeared from my perspective, to have reached overload.

    And there you go - my allegory of the melting of my M&M's............
  2. Mattsmom277

    Mattsmom277 Active Member

    Whew/phew! What a hectic crazy time you've been having. I can understand your worry for your mom. I mean even with the busyness of your month and the months before of helping your mom, the moves and so on, you've got the feeling of no fires left to put out? huh? what? really? So with your mother, I am guessing here that she is trying to stay so busy she doesn't yet have to face that same feeling, and therefore the loss of your father and her new reality as a widowed woman and a future on her own etc. Maybe if the time feels appropriate at some point you can just mention you've noticed she's been constantly busy and involved with projects and trips and company etc since your dads passing and you're glad she's staying busy but also hoping she's taking time to absorb the loss and whatnot. Sort of a indirect way of opening the door for her to say yes, I don't want to think about it or whatever if she wants to (and if thats the case) and you can gear the conversation from there.

    In the meantime, you are in a similar situation. Through not a lot of choice, you've been crazy busy with huge things happening, changes, loss, moves, all that time with your Matt, etc. And now you can breathe, absorb your new normal, new home, new future etc. I hope you're as gentle on yourself to give yourself time to reflect and ease into this new beginning as you sound like you're being about your mom. Ultimately you can only do so much for M&M. It sounds like time to let them cope with their changes and just let your focus be yourself for a while. You certainly deserve it and darn well earned it.

    Tell us about your new digs!!! I can't remember exact details but I remember a post that sounded nice about the new place. How are you settling into it? Anything neat in your neighborhood etc?
  3. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    Oh, my!
    I had to scroll down to look at Matt's diagnosis ... definitely anxiety issues and bipolar. He needs new medications. And anger mgmtn. So sorry.

    Your mom ... what can I say? I know a lot of people who think a job will be ready when the contractor sets a date. I'm not one of them. Depending upon the job, I always add a month. But I never tell the contractor that. ;)
    Is she doing any therapy?

    I wish I had some words of wisdom. But I can listen.
    And I'm glad the dogs are friends now. :)
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes, time for me - what a foreign concept LOL. Since like you said the last year has been none stop. I am still unpacking the bedroom and office, but other than that I am doing pretty good.

    The new place is amazing. It is large, very large. So much so, I have one half of the house closed off for my Mom when she comes to stay, and a detached guest bedroom for Matt when he comes to stay. That still leaves me with a living room, a huge kitchen, a bedroom the size of the living room, and a sunroom. Talk about the deal of a lifetime. I mean the lease on this place is what I paying in rent for a 2 bedroom townhome in AZ. Plus we have about 1/4 of an acre in yard for Tesla to romp, that is watered by an underground well. It feels like a little arboretum right on the Columbia River. I know I am very fortunately and will be happy here - I have just not felt it yet - know what I mean?

    I also have not had any time to really get out into the community, but that is on my list to do this week. Join a class, look for jobs, join a support group, etc.

    Yes, I may talk to my Mom when the time is right. I want to see how her Idaho retreat goes first, and hope that she calms down a little from it.
  5. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    Yes Matt needs new medications BIG TIME.....more and more the anxiety is the issue. Can't believe I found a psychiatrist that could get us in withing in a week. YAY big cities. It has actually been 1 1/2 years since he has seen a psychiatrist.
  6. TerryJ2

    TerryJ2 Well-Known Member

    That still leaves me with a living room, a huge kitchen, a bedroom the size of the living room, and a sunroom. Talk about the deal of a lifetime. I mean the lease on this place is what I paying in rent for a 2 bedroom townhome in AZ. Plus we have about 1/4 of an acre in yard

    Excellent!!! Bravo!

    When does your mom go to Idaho? (Not soon enough, I'm sure.:) )
  7. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    She left sleep deprived yesterday - but she made it without a wreck - thank god.

    Yes, the house is turning out to be quite an interesting event in my life. Like I said, the house was this surreal deal and is huge. I would have never leased it except that the whole time we were packing up my Mom's stuff in Dallas, she kept giving me more and more "stuff". I joked with her I would need a mansion to ever be able to fit all of her heirlooms into a house of my own. Well it is not a mansion but oddly it has accommodated not only ALL of the stuff my Mom gave me but my Aunt and Uncle's garage of furniture that they had no where to put. It is kinda cool. I feel like I am in an elaborately woven nest of my family's personal possessions. It is good.

    And Matt got all of his Pop's electronics, which were numerous. He was very very touched yesterday when he opened each box to see "what Pop had given him". Not in any sort of greedy way, but more of in a thankful connecting way.

    Possessions of our loved ones can be very meaningful...........too meaningful sometimes. There are certain things I cannot place on shelves or out in the open - too raw - too painful...........others bring comfort.
  8. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I'm absolutely thrilled for you. Finding a house that feels like a home is not easy. Fitting furniture into the right place is not easy. Most of all feeling at peace is a rare commodity. What a wonderful update! DDD