The Most Selfish Person I Know -- My Mother

[meowbunny]

I rarely ask my mother for anything, mainly because the cost is usually too high. I even hesitated to ask her to babysit my daughter when she was younger. She did it twice that I can remember and complained how ill-mannered my daughter was for weeks after. This was the child that everyone complimented on her good manners, except my mother.

The last time I asked my mother for money, I was in my early teens. Sadly, circumstances have caught up with me and I'm flat broke -- broke to the point of looking at being homeless. So, I broke down and called my mother for help. She has the funds. This is not something that would have hurt her financially and I would have paid it back.

I truly cannot believe her response. I'm stunned, hurt, shocked. Since I dared move to Florida with my daughter and didn't even offer to have her come with us, I made my bed and I can lie in it. I always knew she was selfish but ....

Then, she went on and offered to pay for me (sans my child) to move back home. The fact that movng back would cost around $10K is okay compared to the $2K I asked to borrow (not give, mind you, BORROW). The fact that I'm basically signing my own death sentence if I come back is irrelevant.

I'm at a loss. I expected many things from her -- up to a contract to pay the funds back but I truly didn't expect a flat out refusal. Sometimes I wonder if I really came out of her womb. I've never been that hateful or selfish. I've been a good daughter. No real problems in my teens. Straight As, full scholarship, the whole nine yards. I don't get it. What did I do to deserve a mother who cares so little?

Something tells me it will be a long, long time before I talk to her again. She's lost me as a daughter.

Sorry, to whine to you guys. I just had to talk to someone and there's no way I could tell my friends or neighbors here what's going on in my life right now.

 

[judi]

I'm so very sorry for this hurtfulness.

 

[Abbey]

She probably comes from the generation my parents did. They don't see it as a 'love' issue. It's just how they were raised and how they are raising you, even though you're an adult.

It's the extremes. On one side, you have adult children sucking the life out of their parent's hard work, and the other side where there is nothing.

I'm in the same place, hon. For the first time in my LIFE I asked my parents for a loan. I was surprised that they were willing, but in the end I didn't have to take advantage of it. Shoot...I didn't even get lunch money from them.

Hang in there, dear. Sometimes silence can be golden.

Abbey

 

[klmno]

It sounds just like mine- it's a control thing, not a money thing. It's about controlling you, in my humble opinion, to get you to meet what she wants- which of course, is centered only on her desires, not is what is in your or your daughter's best interests..

 

[DammitJanet]

Im so sorry. My mother did things like to me my whole life. My father was always rather good to me if he truly felt I needed something but he recently hurt my feelings horribly and I havent been able to get quite past it yet myself. Mine was only asking him to send me $75 to help me buy some clothes on sale for his great grandchild but he refused. Actually he told me he didnt know why I wanted to get saddled with that whole thing! Ugh.

It hurt me because I know that he and his wife spend far more than that constantly on her grandkids. Oh well.

Maybe your mom will have time to rethink her rash decision. She has to know why you moved in the first place. You are not just down in no mans land eating bon bons. You are doing your level best. I hope something comes through for you soon. If I had it, I would loan it to you.

 

[meowbunny]

klmno, you're right. It is totally a control thing -- nothing matters but she get her way. Right now, her way is to get me back home. The fact that a man tried to kill me, is actively looking for me and has vowed I will either be his or dead is irrelevant. The fact that I am literally looking at being without a roof over my head is irrelevant.

My father left her because she was such a controlling witch. My brother refused to talk to her for at least 6 years. I foolishly tried to be a good daughter even when she made basically rejected her grandchild because she wasn't of her flesh and blood.

I never thought I was capable of hating anyone. Right now, I truly hate my mother. If she were dying, I don't think I would care. I know I wouldn't be there to hold her hand. I couldn't. Not any more.

 

[meowbunny]

And, Janet, thank you. I'll figure something out. I'm a survivor but I shouldn't have to "figure" anything out. Families should be there to help each other.

 

[Big Bad Kitty]

Oh honey.

Hugs for your hurting daughter heart. And many prayers for your situation. I am so sorry.

 

[flutterbee]

I'm so sorry.

 

[Wiped Out]

MB,
I'm sorry that your mom is such a difficult child. I'm saying a prayer that an unexpected windfall comes your way and soon.

 

[Marguerite]

I can understand your anger, MB.

Here is one very positive way to look at it - she is a very controlling person, and you are NOT in debt to her in any way. But if she had lent you the money - she would use it to manipulate you, would never let you forget it.

That doesn't get you out of your financial hole, but at least it is something positive.

Are there any welfare groups you could approach for help? Local charities?

Marg

Marg

 

[hearts and roses]

{{{MB}}} Yes, it's about control and manipulation for sure. I'm sorry that she can't see past herself to reach out to you in the way that you need her to.

What other resources have you tapped into. Marg made a good suggestion about reaching out to welfare/charitable groups. Check with your local churches and see if they have food pantries. Believe it or not, receiving just that small amount of groceries will save a few dollars that can be put elsewhere. Also, check with your local social services admionistrative office. Often, folks are eligible for certain programs without ever knowing it. There may be a few that you would be eligible for. And the same goes for your utility companies. They all offer programs for those who cannot cover their monthly ultility bills by offering either discount or freebies. Don't be ashamed to call and find out - that is what those programs are there for and everyone, at one time or another, has been in a similar situation of need.

Sending hugs - your mom should be ashamed and one day karma will come back and bite her in the you-know-what. In the meantime, you focus on your goodness and taking care of you. She can wait; don't waste your energies thinking of how awful she is. Hugs~

 

[Hound dog]

MB

My Mom is the same way, and it is a control issue. Which is why I'd rather be on the street than take money from her. And have been. Ok, so I stayed in a shelter for 5 months, but it's almost the same.

Pawn shops can be helpful in emergencies but won't give you squat for anything as far as it's real value. How about a huge yard sale? easy child and I've made up to 1000.00 a weekend that way with just baby stuff ect. (I'm still amazed at stuff that will sell)

Churches can be an amazing resource for housing, transportation, food, and jobs. Maybe they could put their heads together and help you come up with a solution to fit your needs or take the pressure off you in other areas that would help financially. And usually all they ask in return is that you sit a sunday or two in services, and don't have a cow if you don't follow thru.

Community action groups can help alot with utilities and such. Here they'll pay one of each utility bill a year, and they want you to make it the highest one.

It stinks your Mom won't give it to you when you've never given her a reason not to help you when you're down and out. Most especially when it's not a stretch for her to do so. These are one of the rare times I wish I was loaded, cuz I'd send it to you in a heartbeat.

(((hugs)))

 

[Shari]

Hugs MB. I agree families should be there for each other. Breaks my heart when they aren't.

I hope you can find some help.

 

[TerryJ2]

So sorry.
I agree, it's a control issue.
It's hard to learn the hard way.
{{hugs}}

 

[trinityroyal]

MB, I'm so sorry that you're suffering from your mother's unwillingness to help you.
The others are right that it's a control issue. I also agree that she would hold the debt over your head for a very long time and make you pay for it in ways much more painful than money.

My parents are both like your mother in this way. I've had no contact at all with them for years and likely never will again.

Sending hugs and strength, and saying many prayers that you find a solution.

Trinity

 

[Star*]

Bunny

Wow.....doesn't seem to matter what you've done it's never going to be good enough huh? And you know what? I'm dealing with someone who is going through the same exact thing right now. The person is her boss, and he's a flat out jerk. It hurts her so badly she takes it personally and how can she not when he compliments no one - and then puts her down repeatedly. So I'll tell you the same thing i told her.

HE is never going to change. He is who he is. He's a jerk. He had a choice at one point to change himself and the way he treats others, and chose not to. At first you see people like this as stern or demanding the best out of everyone. So you try, and when you don't appear to stack up in their eyes - you try harder, and harder and eventually the trying harder becomes an obsession and you don't realize that you are getting more bitter by the minute about trying to please a person that CAN NO BE PLEASED.

I told her - her efforts to do more, succeed higher and keep looking for some accolades were fruitless. So what can she do?

I told her that she can start by realizing that she HAS done and will continue daily to do her best. The job you do each day in living your life has to matter to you first and NO ONE ELSE. When we make it matter to someone else - it's a compliment not a requirement. WE can live without compliments. We don't fare so well without our requirements. So tell yourself a few things today - 1.) You are a great person and friend 2.) You do the best job you can each and every day - and that includes finances 3.) You are a fantastic Mother to your daughter. Blood schmud - I'm closer to MY mother than anyone else in the world...so that blood thicker garbage is just that to me. You won't find another daughter as devoted to her Mother or vise versa....4.) Your Mother's OPINION is an unnecessary non-compliment....remember you can live without compliments. 5.) Your mother chose to be miserable and sotic and hard and uncaring.....it's HER life that is miserable - even with all her money - she's not happy - and what a pity for her that she's so well to do and yet hoards her wealth. Wealth of money, wealth of love of family, wealth of a phenominal (albeit difficult child) granddaughter. Because her deficits ie: lack of love, lack of sharing, lack of caring, lack of knowing you and your daughter....FAR outweigh her wealth......so in essence she's actually operating HER life in a FAR greater deficit than you are.....because while you may not have money right now.....you are far FAR wealthier than she is -

You also have US......on the credit side of your balance book of life.

There has to be someone else - who is willing to do a contract and loan you some cash. I know what it's like to be where you are and the stress doesn't always allow us to see the OTHER greath things around us that could help.

How about a line of credit from the bank?
How about applying for a credit card?
How about (title loans are about 99.9% interest) but your car for cash?
How about one of your customers that HAVE money - asking for a loan.

I'm trying to think and don't know your whole situation -

I DO however know people like your Mother, and I'm more sorry for her than I am for you. And now maybe you know why. You will figure this out - SHE will never change. And to loose you as a daughter in the gamble? WOW - what a humongous loss.

Hang in there my friend - I've been where you are, I know the fear - and now you have bunches of us saying prayers for you.

Maybe a banker person here could figure out something for you.....to help.

Hugs & Love (the real kind)

Star

 

[KTMom91]

It's definitely a control thing. Former mother in law is like this.

I know I'm repeating, but...churches, Salvation Army, the power company...and any and all organizations that might be able to give you a hand up till you can get all the way back up?

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It really stinks.

 

[TerryJ2]

Doing any better today, MeowBunny?