The nightmare continues...

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by JKF, Aug 10, 2011.

  1. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    So, as most of you know difficult child is still in the psychiatric hospital after his latest episode last week when he told the nurse in the ER that he wanted to kill me and has had a plan in place for sometime.

    We had court on Friday and the judge agrees that him coming home could produce "catastrophic results". The CMO and DYFS were battling it out over who needs to place him, etc.

    I got a call from CMO yesterday telling me that they now have him on Youthlink and are looking for residential treatment but that could take some time. They also said that they refuse to place him in a shelter and that they want me to take him home until they find him a placement. I said absolutely not. In my opinion they are trying to get me to take him home and will then drag their feet and say there are no beds available in an Residential Treatment Center (RTC), etc. Then we'll be stuck in the same situation we were in.

    I just got a call from the psychiatrist saying that difficult child is stable and ready to be released. She said he can either come home to me or she will have to call DYFS and say that I'm refusing to pick him up. I told her to call DYFS. At this point my husband and I are fearful to bring him home. Between his rages and death threats we just can't do it. We don't feel safe. The psychiatrist says she agrees with me 100% but that she can't keep him in the psychiatric hospital anymore since he's stable. She said by law he needs to be released.

    So now I don't know what will happen. Will I get in trouble with DYFS for abandonment? I love my son and will always be there for him but I can't bring him home and risk our safety as well as his. Does anyone here have any experience with this?

    I am so upset over this whole situation. My son in a good kid but he has serious problems and is in desperate need of help. I'm so torn up over it and feel like I'm a horrible person yet deep inside I know that it's pretty much now or never for him since everything we've tried at home has failed and he's getting worse and worse. I know he is angry at me and feels that I'm abandoning him but we have no other choice right now.
  2. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip


    In June, husband refused to bring O home.

    She stayed at a runaway shelter for 3 weeks, then went to foster mom's. We *are* paying for that, but the fact is - you must protect other family members. This is your 17-y/o, right? Don't sweat it. Not at 17.

    More :hugs:... I feel for you.
  3. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    Since I refused to pick him up he'll be going to the youth shelter and then after that I'm not sure. And yes, it's my 17 y/o. I HATE having to do this but there is no other choice. Not after he threatened to kill me. I have to not only protect myself and the rest of my family but him as well. I don't want him to end up in jail for the rest of his life. I want him to actually get help and be able to have a good life someday. At 17 life is just starting. He's stuck on the past and doesn't realize that there are many more years ahead of him than behind him. I feel like the world's worst mother for doing this but I have no other choice! CMO thinks sending him home will make everything ok but he totally self destructs at home. He can't get past his anger at me and that's holding him back. If he's in an out of home placement we can work on the anger issues in a neutral environment and he can eventually move on. Why do these people have to make it so hard? On Friday the judge even asked them why they would set the child up for failure instead of getting him the help he needs.
  4. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    You won't get in trouble with DYFS, but you will lose custody of him, and any choices about his future will be there's to make.

    I know I asked you about this before, but is it possible that you could convince phosph to do a medication wash because he evidently is not stable if he is making death threats? If they do that, they can technically keep him there longer, and you can tell CMO they have x amount of time before he is released. Especially if they put him on a mood stabilizer, which takes a week or 2 to stabilize on.

    I don't know, just thinking out loud.
  5. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I hate to say it but at this point if I lose custody than so be it. He's 17 and in 10 months he will be an adult anyway. If this is the only way I can get him help then that's more important than having custody of him.

    As for the medication wash I spoke to the psychiatrist about that and she said that he's showing progress now that she took him off the Prozac and increased the Abilify. She said a mood stabilizer won't do much since his problems are 95% behavioral. At this point he's no longer making death threats but the fact that he DID and said he had a plan in place on how to do it is what has my husband and I worried. We can't risk bringing him home and having something happen. The psychiatrist is confident that he's now stable enough to be released although she still agrees that he needs an out of home placement. However, by law, since I'm refusing to pick him up they need to contact DYFS. This is exactly what happened last Wed when I refused to pick him up. They called DYFS and DYFS found there was no neglect on my part and refused to place him since there is a recommendation by the hospital that he receives out of home treatment. DYFS said that because of that recommendation difficult child is not technically being abandoned and it's CMO's responsibility. This whole thing is a nightmare! I almost think they're trying to drive me crazy so that I just fold and bring him home!
  6. keista

    keista New Member

    Me likey this Judge! Try to keep him if at all possible.

    So, the psychiatric hospital got him in a youth shelter? Why did CMO refuse to place him there? Doesn't matter now since he's there. Does sound like CMO was trying to wear you down. WAY TO STAY STRONG! :hugs:
  7. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I like the judge too! He was totally on my side and agreed 100% that difficult child could be a danger to us and himself.

    And difficult child is NOT in a shelter yet. psychiatric hospital got him a bed there but CMO refuses to place him. They said they want him to come home and wait with us while they find him an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). NOT HAPPENING! They said the only way to get him into the shelter would be for DYFS to place him and DYFS refuses because it's CMO's responsibility. If it weren't such a mess and difficult child wasn't stuck in the middle it would almost be funny. So difficult child is stuck at the psychiatric hospital until one of the agency's place him in the shelter or find him foster care. In the meantime, as much as it sucks, I am sticking to my guns and refusing to allow him to come home.
  8. gcvmom

    gcvmom Here we go again!

    They're not trying to drive you crazy, but they do have procedure they have to follow and that's why they keep asking you these questions that you feel have already been answered. Just keep reminding yourself what the judge told you, what the psychiatrist has confirmed, what you know in your heart to be right: bringing him home is NOT an option. Just stick to your broken record response when they go into their scripted questions. It's a stupid game the system has to play and remember why you are doing this in the first place.

  9. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    husband did not lose custody of O... Maybe because we found the "private" foster home???
  10. keista

    keista New Member

    Any chance you can take it to the judge and say, "Your honor, I have a difficult child, and now I have to deal with these two difficult child agencies as well, could you please decide who must do what so my son can get the help we both know he desperately needs?" I'm pretty sure if both agencies are going to refuse to place him, then the hospital will have to go before the judge, and do just that.
  11. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    That was what the court hearing was about on Friday. At that time the judge told them he was going on record saying that he felt sending difficult child home could produce catastrophic results. He gave the agency's 10 days to figure something out and ordered that difficult child be released from the psychiatric hospital by the 10th day (this coming Monday) so that he's not held in limbo. So the psychiatric hospital is doing what they are supposed to do. difficult child is done there and needs to move on but DYFS and CMO are still battling. CMO has agreed to place him in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but are refusing to place him in the shelter. They want him home until there is an opening somewhere for an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). I'm not sure what happens next. The judge only has court there every two weeks and the next date is on the 19th. I guess if no one places him by then we will appear in front of the judge again. I'm assuming that he can order SOMEONE to place him but I'm really not sure.
  12. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    DYFS is already involved. So the psychiatric hospital calling them is no big deal.

    Just stick to your guns, remind them that the judge said that THEY needed to find placement for him and that he is not coming back to your house.
  13. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    I agree. It really is no big deal that they called DYFS. We're in the same boat we were in last week when they called them. CMO now wants a meeting on Friday. They want to place difficult child in a short term (6 month) very intensive treatment program. He would be out of home and hopefully will receive the help he needs. That's all fine and dandy but the only problem now is what to do with him until they find a placement for him. He's not coming home, the hospital is ready to release him, and CMO refuses to place him in a shelter. I'm to the point where I'm having daily panic attacks (all day every day) and I don't know how much more of this I can take.
  14. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Can you clarify....what's a CMO?
  15. JKF

    JKF Well-Known Member

    CMO is Care Management Organization. They are responsible for things such as in home services, and referrals for out of home placements, etc.
  16. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    I haven't had this experience but I would not be fearful of "the system" retaliating against you. You have the Judge's approval on your choice of action. I know that 17 does not constitute adulthood but by the time they took or tried to take action against you he will be a legal adult. I truly am so sorry that you are in this difficult position but totally agree that you and husband have the total right to protect yourself while you hope for a satisfactory placement. Many sincere hugs are coming your way. DDD
  17. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    Sending supportive hugs.
  18. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Many {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}} to you. Many pats on the back too for sticking to your guns. I am so proud of you but at the same time, my heart breaks for all you are having to endure at the hands of difficult child's that aren't even yours. UGH
  19. JJJ

    JJJ Active Member

    Tell the CMO that if she doesn't want difficult child in a shelter than she needs to push DYFS harder to find him a bed at an Residential Treatment Center (RTC). My daughter Kanga stayed at a shelter group home for 30 days. It was a lifesaver for us and she enjoyed it.
  20. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    The CMO is trying to wear you down. Call your doctor and get some medications to help with the panic attacks and anxiety and make sure you and husband are seeing tdocs.

    Under NO circumstances are you to let difficult child come home for even one hour. If he comes into your home, CMO will tell themselves nad the judge that it wasn't that bad and he is home now so he can just stay with you. The bed in Residential Treatment Center (RTC) will NEVER materialize if you let him coem home right now. No way is he safe to be around you all after this short a time period.

    My son was 14 when he could no longer safely live with us. We had done a 4 month psychiatric hospital stay (Residential Treatment Center (RTC) really but not called that here) and it made a big change for about a year but then he was back to being violent. Only then he was beating ME not his sibs and I will NOT be a battered woman (or allow my kids to be battered or model that being okay to them).

    I felt the most urgency about getting him out of our home NOT from the physical threat to me but because the threat to his life and future if he did manage to kill me. It ended with me having the police remove him from our home. It was UGLY and I HATED IT. But it saved him. My son couldn't stay in the shelter even 3 days with-o getting himself kicked out so he went to my parents. But they are not typical grands - my father had just retired from over three decades of teaching jr high problem kids. In all those years he never had even ONE class of the best/brightest students and he got his low achiever/discipline problem kids doing trig and calculus and algebra in 7th grade. He also is an Aspie like my son and it was like watching two toddlers go at each other sometimes. But it worked and now my son is almost 20 and going to college and getting all A's and is a great kid and big bro. We didn't have drugs problems, mostly because the aspie rule following, in my opinion. I started when he was first put on medications for adhd telling him that if he ever mixed them with drugs or alcohol that they would kill him. Somehow, when no other things I said stuck, that did.

    I do think the system is trying to push you to take your son home so that they can then say that he isn't a problem and doesn't need placement. They do this because Residential Treatment Center (RTC) is expensive but you are too smart to fall for it. As for retaliation, he is 17. If he ran away from home they would NOT go look for him. So they are unlikely to retaliate.

    Stay strong, stand your ground, tell them that the judge told them to place him and that he was not to ocme home and you will not violate the judge's orders.

    I think reminding whomever calls that the judge ordered him placed from the psychiatric hospital and to not come home would be very wise. If they push very much, get a lawyer of your own to fight for you and your husband and yoru other kiddo.