The nightmare has begun again....difficult child home from Residential Treatment Center (RTC).

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Hanging-On, Jul 17, 2010.

  1. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    difficult child (11 yr old boy with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and other dxs) is home from Residential Treatment Center (RTC). Although easy child and I love difficult child and missed him horribly, we were able to live a NORMAL LOVING life while difficult child was gone. Something we have never had before. difficult child has been home 2 months and easy child and I are back to living in battered wife mode. When I was told he was being released I fought against it, reminding them that it takes difficult child 3-4 times longer to learn something and have it stick, than a normal difficult child. But they said he went up their behavior ladder, and has gradutated. Well, difficult child wasn't even able to be stable for the 4 hour drive home. Within an hour he cascaded into meltdowns, and easy child and I automaticaly went into survival mode.

    Upon hearing of difficult child's release I immediately called his insurance company and demanded 24-7 support for the transition. Telling them that we could do that, or they could pay another year or more of Residential Treatment Center (RTC) when he crashed again. The insurance company agreed with me. can you believe itTHEY AGREED WITH ME!!!!!!! They even went to the providers with me, and told them that ALL 24-7 support would be fully funded. OMG, I just broke down and cried because FINALLY we were getting help so difficult child could be home. Well, read my thread title and you'll see what empty promises create. Although the provider company said yes, they can and will provide what the fully funded discharge plan stated in reality it has been one regretable oversightafter another. No consistency, etc. So now easy child and I are living once again with a violent unstable person who demands to be in control, or else.

    difficult child was my first born. I have never ever loved anything so much, as that child. When I became pregnant with easy child, I feared that I would never love him because I could not see how there could be any available room in my heart. G-d I want to feel a shred of that again, full time! I am now back to being numb, sad, depressed, constantly holding back tears, exhausted, and living with no hope, and feeling trapped. And knowing that the domestic violence safety plan will not help us in this situation. And I have had the providers tell me that it isn't DV because difficult child is a child. WHAT? What punch of **** telling me it isn't abuse. If they've never lived through DV, how the h-l would they know. And making all of this something in my head, and that I have failed to learn good parenting from their modeling, and so this is my fault is totally wrong.

    I mourn the blessings others have of a normal loving family existence. I saw what easy child and I truly are when not living with an unstable abusive difficult child, who doesn't understand the world and is forced to live in it. We know difficult child was born different and that he'll never be like easy child, but why can't we have an autisic family member without all the difficult child abusive qualities? Even just a small amount of compliance helps the house run smoother, which then could help the healing process. BUT NO it's always defiance and oppositional automaticaly. It's always his way.or BOOM. DRAMA!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm soooo tired of the drama. And frankly easy child is on his way to an anxiety disorder because of it. Just makes me cry for him.

    I mourn for easy child and I that we will not be the family we were when difficult child was not here. It does not mean we do not love difficult child, but for the first time easy child and I could go to the library and sit reading for hours, go to movies, grocery shopping, go Easter egg hunting with the rest of the town, go to parades and other Town events, quietly sit outside and bird watched, make cookies, have play dates for easy child at the house, sit and watch tv without difficult child fighting to get next to me and push easy child away, go through our life without difficult child bulling and hurting easy child because he's still mad and jealous that he was born, etc I could go on and on.

    And you know what also harms us (families with a difficult child), are all these articles coming out now about if you're not happy being a parent, or if you just don&'t see how fun and fulfilling being a parent is, then something is wrong with you. OMG, these authors have no clue! How totally hateful and blind they are. Obviously they have never seen a difficult child, let alone live with one. These articles twist the minds of society, and not only are parents affected but so are easy child's. Our country is already a collective of isolated islands, living side by side. Do we really need something else to taint us further and make us more isolated? We are no longer a community who knows each other and helps each other. Our houses no longer have the front porch and yard, inviting us outside to visit with each other and watch our children play together. Our entire society has created a wedge not only between people, but also family. Those of us who have difficult child's know full well that not only is society shunning us, but so are our families. And now we can't even rely on FULLY PAID providers to be there for us. No wonder I (we) feel so alone, misunderstood and now labled as evil people who should be ashamed because raising our difficult child isn't a JOY with unlimited blessings and fulfillment.

    I don't know what I''m trying to say, but I have no one to rely on. No one to watch my back. I get no validation of my feelings from the providers, only psycho babble and dbt ****. I don't know about you, but this stuff doesn't help anything if they totally refuse to listen to you and validate your feelings. And when they say it's not DV, then that's when I stop engaging with them and just go internal. There is no point of me always trying to get them to see it from my point, so I give up, shut up, and go within..GOOD JOB PROVIDERS!!!!!!!!!!!

    Do you know that yesterday when the providers were leaving and difficult child was NOT stable and I was totally panicking inside I asked what do to if things get worse. Their response, call 911. I know full well they have a crisis team, and fully expected them to give me that phone number, but their answer was always call 911. I had to repeat myself and press them for what is the crisis protocol before I got the phone number.unbelievable!!!

    I guess I came back today because it seems that ONLY all of you really understand. I only wish we could really be there in each other's lives to help, because if you are like me and easy child, then you too are truly alone in all of this.
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2010
  2. Wiped Out

    Wiped Out Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hanging on,
    My heart just broke for you reading this. I'm sorry your difficult child is so unstable right now. It is really too bad that they released him so soon. Is there any chance of having him back in a Residential Treatment Center (RTC)? I understand the mourning you are going through. The time you had with you and easy child sounds so peaceful and now you are back to survival mode and we all know how hard that survival mode is. Are you able to get any 'me' time and some time for easy child now that difficult child is home? Sending hugs and prayers your way.:angel2:
  3. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Hanging On,

    Is your CMH helping you? I had to call our state representative to get our CMH on board. This was recommended to me by one of gfg16's case managers when difficult child was discharged unstable and violent from the psychiatric hospital. She said another mother had done it and it worked for her.

    I left a long message -- all the gory details -- on our representative's answering machine at his headquarters on a Friday. I just assumed I was speaking into another void from which I would hear nothing back. But by midweek someone from the rep's office called and got detailed info from me about difficult child. We started getting calls from our CMH real soon. Later, the same person from the rep's office called me back to make sure we had gotten the services we needed. Someone from the "really higher-ups" in my state's CMH called too.

    Good luck -- you shouldn't be living like this, nor should your easy child or difficult child. In my case I had to go higher than the providers.

    Also I know what you mean -- we all love and miss gfg16. It's an ache that he is gone. But it is really shocking to see the level of violence we were living with, now that he is gone.

    Give your rep a ring -- what could it hurt? It won't look good for him/her to ignore the level of violence that you're living with.

    After a point, I always pointed out that I should call CPS because of the damage being to done to gfg13. That gave a lot of folks pause -- they were now sitting with the knowledge that another child was also in danger. Leave a big paper trail and document everything. I use a composition book with names, dates, phone numbers, convos. Call everyone you can think of. Call a mental health advocate. After awhile someone will realize they have to be accountable.
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2010
  4. WearyWoman

    WearyWoman Guest

    Hanging on - I am SO sorry to hear of your situation. We also have a son (9) with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD) and other diagnoses. I can relate very much to your post. I have been punched, kicked, bitten, and had hard objects thrown at me that surely could kill if they had hit me in the head, and the property damage that goes along with the meltdowns is over the top too. You're right that this isn't normal and that we shouldn't have to live this way. I move from mourning a normal, peaceful existence to downright, utter despair sometimes. The resources available for dealing with this are pitifully inadequate, and it angers me that so many families are left to endure the unendurable.

    Your son is not stable, as you mentioned, and things are not going well. It sounds like you need to keep pressing and advocating for services somehow. I also think some sort of respite is necessary. I wish we could all connect geographically, as I think we'd all be willing to help one another out in that arena. Is there any way you can get a qualified provider to do respite care? You can't go on like this. It is unhealthy for you and your other child.

    I will pray for you. Again, know that others here understand and care. Please keep us posted.

  5. barneysmom

    barneysmom Member

    Makes me so angry what is happening to all three of you. Got to be against the law.
  6. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    Thank you all. We're at the end of the day and I can say today's been a little better. Thankfully easy child got away for 2 wks. Yesterday I sent him to my parents, in another state. He's very home sick for me and is crying, but I'm just so happy that he can have a small summer vacation and be a kid again running around and playing and not being part of this right now. He's just too sweet. He had my dad call and when he got on the phone he was just such a little man. He's only 7 yrs old, but so wise, loving and nuturing. He wanted to know how I slept last night, am I working to hard, how many breaks did I give myself, what did I eat today, did I go outside and just breath and look over all our hills and land, how are the dogs they'll be there for me when I'm sad, and to go to my room when I need to be alone. Ohhhh…..just brought tears to me eyes at what an old soul he is.

    difficult child has been alittle better today, not completely ODD. But maybe that's because easy child isn't here to pick on, and then for me to protect. (I swear he is constantly testing me). Hes acting more like the big boy I saw at the Residential Treatment Center (RTC), who engages in conversations instead of the violent manipulating non-verbal or cursing regressed child.

    I did had a violent situation to deal with today cause he wouldn't take his medication, and wanted the wii game unit that I have unplugged and hidden. Both easy child and difficult child know that they have to earn using the electronics. Well I heard one of his providers tell him this week that if he refused his medications, that by law they would have to call an ambulance and have him taken to the hospital so that his medications could be given by a shot. He complied after tIhat. So today I said the same thing. Instead of getting the compliance they got, I got instead a full blown autistic non-verbal screaming / squealling child on the ground rolling around trying to kick me. I told him to either take the medication, or I'm calling 911. I counted down from 3 and he opened his mouth. I told him to get up like a big boy and take it, but he would never do it. So in the end I gave to it him as if he were a toddler. I then told him to go and play in the other room cause I was doing something. But really I just wanted some space.

    Got to go, he's calling me and it'll go to screaming in a few seconds if I don't go.
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2010
  7. Hanging-On

    Hanging-On New Member

    Barneysmom, I've wondered the same thing. Maybe someone on here knows that answer.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I am years away from when I needed Residential Treatment Center (RTC) but I did work for Social Services at the county level and I DID call the State level and made very loud and obnoxious noises until the head of children's services heard me. I very well could have lost my job but I was fighting for my son's life and as much trouble as my kid made for me while I tried to work, I figured eventually they were going to hear about this bratty kid in Robeson County I swear, I started screaming for help from the leaders and it didnt take me a week to get help.
  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    It can be a powerful tool if you document that you have let the "experts" know that your other child is in danger from difficult child's actions and that you have been begging and pleading for help but no one will. Esp if you end up reaching the top of the heap. Or a journalist who cares. They do NOT want the public to find out that they are leaving other kids at the mercy of a very violent child.

    Maybe that is an angle you need to explore? At low levels it won't do much. Don't budge when they say they can "take" your easy child away. THAT would TRULY get the attention of the media and the rest of the world!! It is an angle many of us have had to deal with, myself included.

    Your easy child sounds like an amazing person with a beautiful soul. It is very very clear how much he loves you. :kisses:
  10. idohope

    idohope Member

    Hugs to you. I hope that things get better and that you get the services you need.

    My little easy child is with his grandparents right now while we deal with difficult child. Even if yours is a little homesick you are right to know that he is getting a normal vacation and time away from the difficult child induced stress. My difficult child is alternatively so loving to little easy child and then screaming at him that he ruined his life and she wishes he was never born. So it is a blessing that you have family willing/able to take easy child away from that for a while.

    I know you can find the energy to follow up on the suggestions that others have made to you.

    You are in my thoughts.