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The other shoe dropped...
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<blockquote data-quote="Nancy" data-source="post: 58787" data-attributes="member: 59"><p>"difficult child has an underlying anger about his adoption and that I am the target but still, he needs to treat me with-respect, and take responsibility for his actions."</p><p></p><p>This was/is certainly true for my difficult child. While she is doing much better now I have always born the brunt of her anger over her adoption. I'm sure she didn't understand this fully when she was acting out angainst me. Even now she has issues with me that she does not have with husband, who by the way also adopted her.</p><p></p><p>Adopted children often blame their adoptive mom's for everything, for the fact that they aren't with their birthmoms, for the fact that they have issues concerning their identity, for their low self esteem, for everything that goes wrong in their lives. My difficult child thinks it's my fault she is adopted. She often said "I hate my mom, she isn't my real mom." She didn't say "I hate my parents, they aren't my real parents." Her birthfather was never in the picture, never thought about him or blamed him. The anger she had at her birthmom got transferred to me but she never even considered that there was a birthfather too. </p><p></p><p>One of her therapists once told her that in 13 years she never adopted us like we adopted her. That in 13 years we never gave up, never abandoned her, never walked out, and when was she going to do the same. That if we wanted to give up we would have done so long ago. She gave her permission to start trusting us and loving us.</p><p></p><p>I agree that things become crystal clear when they are gone for a while and you see how things can really be and they come back and you aren't willing to live your life in the same chaos. I got to that point when difficult child went to detention. I decided I just wasn't going to live the rest of my life like that and if that meant she would have to go to school somewhere that's what I would make happen.</p><p></p><p>I hope things work out for you. Of course I really hope your difficult child figures out what a great family he has and decided to become part of it. It can happen,but he probably has to lose what he has first to figure that out.</p><p></p><p>Nancy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Nancy, post: 58787, member: 59"] "difficult child has an underlying anger about his adoption and that I am the target but still, he needs to treat me with-respect, and take responsibility for his actions." This was/is certainly true for my difficult child. While she is doing much better now I have always born the brunt of her anger over her adoption. I'm sure she didn't understand this fully when she was acting out angainst me. Even now she has issues with me that she does not have with husband, who by the way also adopted her. Adopted children often blame their adoptive mom's for everything, for the fact that they aren't with their birthmoms, for the fact that they have issues concerning their identity, for their low self esteem, for everything that goes wrong in their lives. My difficult child thinks it's my fault she is adopted. She often said "I hate my mom, she isn't my real mom." She didn't say "I hate my parents, they aren't my real parents." Her birthfather was never in the picture, never thought about him or blamed him. The anger she had at her birthmom got transferred to me but she never even considered that there was a birthfather too. One of her therapists once told her that in 13 years she never adopted us like we adopted her. That in 13 years we never gave up, never abandoned her, never walked out, and when was she going to do the same. That if we wanted to give up we would have done so long ago. She gave her permission to start trusting us and loving us. I agree that things become crystal clear when they are gone for a while and you see how things can really be and they come back and you aren't willing to live your life in the same chaos. I got to that point when difficult child went to detention. I decided I just wasn't going to live the rest of my life like that and if that meant she would have to go to school somewhere that's what I would make happen. I hope things work out for you. Of course I really hope your difficult child figures out what a great family he has and decided to become part of it. It can happen,but he probably has to lose what he has first to figure that out. Nancy [/QUOTE]
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