The other shoe has dropped.

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by dashcat, Jun 25, 2013.

  1. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    difficult child is pregnant.

    She had just applied to, and been accepted in, an online school. She decided she loves Target and wants to move up. She planned to go for a degree in retail merchandising ... something like that.

    and now she's pregnant. Two days before her 22nd birthday. With a guy she met on Craiglsist and became engaged to within a week. A guy with three children under the age of five. A guy who isnot yet divorced, and delights in bashing the mother of his children on his Facebook page. A guy who is so controlling that he drives difficult child 15 miles to work.

    I am heartsick.

  2. SomewhereOutThere

    SomewhereOutThere Well-Known Member

    Dash, I am so very sorry.

    Regarding the boyfriend, take heart. If it lasts as long as most difficult child relationships, it will be over next month.

    About the baby, no real words. Take it a day at a time.

    Gentle hugs.
  3. dstc_99

    dstc_99 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry! I really hope things work out well.
  4. Dash - I am so sorry for your news. This should be a happy time to learn that you are going to be a grandmother. I'm sorry it isn't.

    Is this the guy she moved in with as a rental/babysitting situation and it turned into a relationship very quickly?

    I sure hope she at least keeps up the online school and is able to complete the course.
  5. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, honey. I am so, so sorry.

    At least Target is pregnancy-friendly. Man, oh, man.
  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Thanks, everyone. I am in the wallowing mode right now and your support is greatly appreciated. WelcometoWE, yes, it is the same wackadoodle landlord-turned-lothario (strangers to engaged in eight days!). Step, she will actually qualify for maternity leave at Target. They are wonderful to her... a real bright spot in this crazy year.

  7. Tiredof33

    Tiredof33 Active Member

    Nothing to add, try to take it one day at a time. It would be hard for me too.
  8. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, worse things can happen. And often a baby straightens a difficult child out somewhat.
  9. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Oh my, life can sure throw us some curve balls...............perhaps there is a silver lining here which can't be seen quite yet.........I hope so................hugs Dash, hang in there...............
  10. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    This may not be a total disaster, it may cause her to grow up. It may cause her to see things differently about the guy too a man that doesn't get his kids often but yet needs a live in baby sitter to contend with them while they are there? Sure doesn't sound like marriage material to me.

    I'd be careful because she doesn't have much history with this guy driving her to the altar so if he screws up big enough she still might leave. But if you make yourself the enemy of them she isn't going to talk to you about what is going on.
    I would emphasize that getting married doesn't really make a family, it won't change the parts of him that she may already not like.
    It isn't easy being married to a man who pays most of his income in child support to another woman when you and your kid are going without.

    I had tk at 20. She gave me a reason to become successful to work hard, a young person can couch serf a person with a baby generally can't.

    You need to strike a careful balance do not swoop in and so everything for her and don't make her feel ashamed about having this baby you will regret it later.

    Good luck and I'm sorry you are sad.
  11. PatriotsGirl

    PatriotsGirl Well-Known Member

    (((hugs))) praying this baby helps straighten out your difficult child, too...
  12. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    It might just be where I am today, but I cannot see any way that a baby will "straighten out" my difficult child. I know that a baby can wake up an immature, self-centered person ... sometimes. But, c'mon, guys. If babies straightened people out, this world would be a very different place. If babies straightened people out, we could just do away with the entire Children's services department and spend our tax dollars bailing out banks or something.

    The reality is that my bi-polar daughter can barely take care of a houseplant. She has the attention span of a gnat and, though her heart is big, she has a very difficult time following rules of any kind. She wants this to work. And maybe it can, but it won't work without some very serious work on her part. And it won't work quickly. In the meantime ... while she is (if she is) working on this, this child will be living in an extremely dysfunctional home.

    I remember thinking, during the starry-eyed early years with my child, that her adoption stopped the cycle that was that of her dysfunctional birth family. She, unlike her young, frightened, and largely-abandoned birthmother, would have a happy and secure childhood. And she did. She speaks of it often. She had jars of firelfies, birthday parties, sleepovers with scores of giggling girls, drive-in movies, family dinners, cousins, chocolate chip pancakes, private school, voice lessons, and the full scrapbooks to prove it all.

    And then, the bi-polar monster grabbed her and she plummeted into the very world we thought she would never see. . And now it is highly likely that her child will be raised in a near identical environment to the one we believed we were saving her from. We didn't stop the cycle. All we did was postpone it .
    I need to be angry for awhile. I need to cycle through the stages of grief until I finally, inevitably, reach acceptance. And then, maybe, I can look on the bright side.
    Last edited: Jun 25, 2013
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Wow, you made that very clear, I can completely see your point of view, yikes, cycle through all of it, you have every right in the world to feel all of that, what a horror for you to deal with, I am so, so sorry Dash, words fail me right now.....................hugs............
  14. Dixies_fire

    Dixies_fire Member

    Sorry dash!
  15. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Aw, Dixie, no apologies necessary. I am grateful for the support and the hugs, believe me. I did need to get that out, though. Everyone brings their own perspective to these boards. I'm usually big on optimism, but I simply cannot be that way today.

    I hope all of you know that I appreciate your taking time to reply to me.
  16. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Dash, as much as you are right....there is still a part of her upbringing inside her head. Maybe something will stick that will be good for the child. For example, maybe she will insist on meeting the family any time the child goes for a playdate. I think your example will come through....even if it is not 100%.

    But, i know you are in pain and I am sorry.
  17. pasajes4

    pasajes4 Well-Known Member

    Prayers lots of prayers for all involved........... and peace for you
  18. Dash - You're right. A child does not force maturity and common sense on everyone. I will pray that it helps change your daughter. It worked for my cousin but not for my aunt.

    Hugs and support coming your way.
  19. witzend

    witzend Well-Known Member

    Dash, I will hold out good wishes for your difficult child. She has certainly chosen a difficult path.
  20. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    Oh, Dash, that is just whacked out. How is difficult child taking she thrilled, horrified? I remember that she was considering or perhaps going to therapy, but didn't want to go the medication route...does that still stand?
    At least she has a good job and responsible job goals. I hope she sees everything through. OMW - does Ossie know?

    Millions of hugs for you, Dash. Wallow away for as long as you need.