The other shoe....

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by toughlovin, Nov 24, 2011.

  1. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    is really dangling by a very thin thread!!! I hope you all had a good Thanksgiving. We had a nice dinner out with our daughter....and Thank goodness I forgot my cell phone so I didn't have to think about difficult child at dinner!!! Maybe that was an unconcious thing on my part!

    I am thankful this year for the wonderful couple that own and run the sober house where my son is at. They left me a message and then called me after I called them back. My son is messing up again... not caught with drugs this time but doing some other stuff which is pretty darn stupid. They could definitely throw him out. And because we have given him no money directly he doesn't have any money to buy spice or anything and they said he is kind of jumping out of his skin.... he is gonig to have to face his feelings. And because they are recovering addicts themselves they are totally on to him..... but my difficult child is going to have to make some decisions... like decide he is going to follow the program or be homeless....

    He really didn't want them to call us... but they told him they were going to. I suspect we won't hear from him because my guess is he feels embarassed and ashamed.

    So it kind of makes my stomach hurt (or maybe that was the big meal) but I also know that at least at the moment he is safe.

  2. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I'm sorry things aren't going well. I hope he wakes up in time before he ends up on the street. But if he does, you have given him every chance to get better.

  3. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Glad you had a nice meal, but sorry for difficult child's issues. I pray he can "get it" and not have to keep doing things the hard way. (well I suppose this feels hard to him too but you know what I mean).... Thinking of you...
  4. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TL I'm glad you had a nice meal.

    As for difficult child, it sounds to me like he needs detox. If he is having a difficult time wiht withdrawal he will be doing some stupid things. Hopefully they can deal with it until he physically feels better, but I wonder do you think he should be in a detox unit and then transition to the sober house?

  5. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    I dont think its physical withdrawel he is talking about. I think difficult child is having a hard time dealing with his feelings and so wants to use to numb himself...and that is what he meant. Apparently he called the sober house mom yesterday about the girlfriend....i am so mad at her too...cant she realize he needs help and let him be to get it?

    He has no money and so cant get anything to numb the pain...and so is having to face it.

  6. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    This has to be so difficult. I understand, all too well, that feeling of enjoying something normal and simple for awhile only to return to the heart wrenching pain of dealing with a difficult child. The sober house people sound like wonderful allies. Let's all keep praying that he rides this out.
  7. Elsieshaye

    Elsieshaye Member

    Sending you lots of support, TL. Glad you were able to have a good time and get a little bit of a break from the worry and drama.
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I want to answer and every time I try, I erase what I write. It all seems stupid when I read what I wrote. What I did as a teen doesnt relate I dont think...might, might not. I cant say. I guess I want you to know I hope he does the right things. For both of you
  9. Signorina

    Signorina Guest

    Just want you to know I am thinking of you... Glad he is back at the sober house and I am hopeful that the unrest he is showing is a sign that he is moving forward. {{{hugs}}}
  10. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thank you all for your kind words and thoughts. I got nothing from him yesterday....and a few minutes ago i got a text "Worst Thanksgiving yet. hope yours was better". I texted him back and asked why it was so response of course. He does pull at my heartstrings but my I also feel like he is trying to manipulate us into feeling sorry for him....and dont sense any kind of responsibility on his part. Ugh.
  11. Nancy

    Nancy Well-Known Member Staff Member

    That's the kind of text we would have gotten, or actually she would have posted that on her fb so everyone felt sorry for her. I would probably say something like, I'm sorry yours wasn't very good but if you keep working hard there will be many wonderful thanksgivings to come.

  12. Kathy813

    Kathy813 Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Yeah, I would say that is a typical difficult child kind of text . . . something my difficult child is really, really good at.

    Too bad for her that I have gotten good at ignoring them.

    Stay strong. He is in a safe place where he can get the help that he needs.

  13. FlowerGarden

    FlowerGarden Active Member

    I'm glad you got to have a nice Thanksgiving with your easy child. Sounds like the people, at the sober house, are working hard along with you, to get difficult child headed down the right path. Your difficult child's text is just the same type of messages I get from mine.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Now that is just plain manipulation. BS. He could have much worse thanksgiving days...oh trust me. He is warm, he was fed, he has clothes on his back, he has shoes, he is healthy, no one is beating him, etc. Might want to point all that out to him because you could pull the plug on him and let him be homeless and cold and hungry and etc. Then it would be a mighty awful xmas and thanksgiving.

    That just burns my butt!
  15. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Or he could have been in jail....i was tempted to send him another text that nancy husband convinced me that i had already responded and dont need to let him know i am stewing about i am going to save nancys rsponse for the next time.
  16. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I'm not so sure I read that much into it. What if he just had a really horrible day and it doesn't mean anything more than that and he was trying to be nice by saying he hoped you had a better day? Wasn't he texting, so it wouldn't really lend itself to a long explanation? I don't know- but I've had friends text and email me that they have had a carpy day and they hope mine was better and it didn't mean they expected me to jump in and do anything. Maybe I would call to see if they needed someone to talk to. I get that it isn't the same if you're the parent and he's a difficult child, I'm just not sure I can read that much into it other than that he had a bad day. It doesn't necessarily mean that 'shoe just dropped'.
  17. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest might be right except i know he screwed up royally yesterday and he knows i was going to be told about it....which makes me wish i sort of acknowledged that and said something about him doing the work to have better days.....but it may be as you say.

  18. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I think I remember reading that- and that probably contributed to him having a bad day....still, it was a bad day and if he's struggling at the group home over it, in my humble opinion, those are his natural consequences. I don't think it would serve you or his program or your relationship with him to engage or advise him or dangle a carrot- to me, that's all part of enabling. I think you have found a pretty healthy boundary with your son and I'm just trying to support that. I know it's really hard not to 'go there mentally' when we are trying to prepare ourselves for the worst because we see red flags, but I think you are doing right this time to just stand back a little and see how this plays out without any involvement from you, or stress on you. If he wants to discuss it with you, fine. I tend to think he is going thru the processes it takes to stay committted for the long haul. I could be wrong- I've been wrong before. But I'm keeping fingers crossed for you....and him. He knows what work he needs to do to make this work out.
  19. toughlovin

    toughlovin Guest

    Thanks...i know i need to keep standing back but it is hard to do....and i have to admit at this point i dont have much faith that he will do the right thing....still i have to hope he will get it somehow.
  20. klmno

    klmno Active Member

    I completely understand- my son is younger than yours and in a different boat right now but I'm strugging in my own way to make the transition to and 'adult' parent/child relationship. I keep reminding myself that in the end, while I don't want to enable him or run his life or let him think I'm condoning something I could ever condone, in the end, he's still my son and I will love him and I want to work on having a good relationship with him. His consequences from here on out are his own, but I'm his Mom, Know what I mean?? I'm still working on it. LOL!