The phone call

[tammybackagain]

Every day when difficult child goes to school I wait with held breath, try to do what I need to but always expecting the Call, today was that day, difficult child was in a fight knocked some kids glasses off and the kid gave him a bloody lip. he will be suspended tomorrow. So now the question, i'm taking all his toys and such he will sit in room but we have new Group therapy tomorrow night. guess I just need to vent some. thanks.

 

[DDD]

I hated those days (actually years) when I dreaded the ring of the phone. Somehow I never could learn to "stifle" my fears of what might be coming even though I worked full time and had plenty of other children to divert me. Wish I had an answer for surviving these times but I don't........just understanding sympathy. Hugs DDD

 

[busywend]

Waiting for the call is tough.....getting it is tougher for sure. I hope it does not turn into a pattern.

 

[buddy]

Im really sorry! Just hate that so much! I think I wrote a similar post a few times too. I have had to change my phone ringer a couple of times because when I hear it I don't want to answer, my stomach drops.

Why are the toys all gone? Just curious.

I still give consequences too but took some things permanently off the list. If it's all or nothing or too big a value he falls apart so huge there's a risk of a 911 call. Anyway, Q has never stopped a behavior with that method, entirely (unless the thing I took away was being used for the negative behavior like hitting with a bat?....bat is mine now)...still hitting was not fixed entirely.

I never cancel therapy though. Unless he is in a place where he couldn't participate. I don't think thats what you meant though, sorry I don't understand that part. How is the group therapy connected to what you were concerned about? I hope things go ok so you can go if you want to.

 

[InsaneCdn]

I'm with Buddy on the consequences...
Where's the logic? How do toys at home tie to a problem at school?

When difficult child got in trouble at school, we got digging to find the "root cause" - not the trigger, but the big-picture stuff. Sometimes, it wasn't too hard to find... other things have taken years. But as we have found and resolved these, the "trouble at school" has gone down significantly.

 

[StressedM0mma]

I never cancel therapy. For any reason. And, I have started with more natural consequences even at 16. It helps with the connection.

 

[HaoZi]

A ringing phone triggers my PTSD. Has for a few years now. Doesn't have to be my phone, it can be any phone, any ring tone, any where.

 

[garrison]

I can relate. I hate it when the phone rings too. I'm curious, what is a more nature consequence to a "hands on others" problem at school? I too have this going on and would like some difference ideas.

 

[tammybackagain]

The Toys are because he was just earning things back if he is good on Thursday he will get 1 toy back then on from there I am very limited in what I can do with him since is he still in custody of CPS and I am just the care Taker so this is it. he will earn back but if they are out of his room he behaves better to get them. He can control himself just choices not to. I know that he can because when I have told him behave or you won't.... go to birthday party.... go to X that we have tickets for he behaves.

 

[InsaneCdn]

He can control himself just choices not to

Read more: http://www.conductdisorders.com/forum/f6/phone-call-52653/#ixzz2LNj6IDlh

Tammy, I've been down this road. School send us down this road... the wrong road.
It is so easy, when kids "can" exercise control some of the time, to assume that when they do not, it is because they choose not to.

We found that if the carrot was big enough, difficult child would pull out all the stops to make X happen - but then something else would go wrong, because he didn't have enough resources left over to sustain the behavior. Yes, it's easier when they "always" or "never" do something. But the "sometimes" cases are not necessarily a matter of the difficult child choosing to behave that way.

Example: When things started getting really bad at school, WE noticed (school refused to believe us) that he was better in the morning than afternoon, better on Monday than on Friday, and so on. THEY (school) said he just "didn't want to" cooperate. Fast forward a few years to answers and... a severe Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) meant that difficult child was spending ALL his mental energy just trying to hear the teacher, and by lunch time he was totally beyond coping. A good night's sleep brought him part way back, but not all... so the next day he burns out faster. Technological intervention for Auditory Processing Disorders (APD) = WAY less effort to listen = WAY, way less behavior problems.

But because he could listen "some" of the time, the assumption was that when he didn't, it was because he "chose" not to.

And that's only one of a long list of issues and challenges that all had the same sort of pattern. He can... some of the time, under "perfect" conditions... and the rest of the time, he actually can't.

If you want the whole list... let me know and I'll send by PM.

 

[TerryJ2]

{{hugs}}

Looking back on it, I could have done things other than take away my difficult child's toys and gaming equipment. But I had no clue as what to do.
The problem with sending to his room to "think about it" is, as another parent put it so well here a few yrs ago, like sending him to Disneyland. All those toys! Gee, that's really going to get him to think about it.

I'm sure by now you know the details of what happened.

I hope that the other kid's parents are understanding, too.

 

[TeDo]

I'm with Buddy and Insane. The consequences have to "fit the crime" for a good connection to be made. And Insane made a VERY valid point, our kids are different. They can make good choices, under the right circumstances. Expecting ALL good choices ALL the time is asking for a miracle for our kids. "Being good" is too vague for my difficult child 1. I had to specify 1 particular behavior as a criteria. Also, there were times (still are but not as often) when nothing in the world could overcome the symptoms of his disabilities. As an adult, even I can't keep it together 100% of the time so how can I expect a child with even fewer skills than me to do that. I find it totally unreasonable.

Why did he knock the other kid's glasses off? What was the entire scenario from before it happened until it happened? Who said/did what when? Those are the questions I would want to know and calmly asking my difficult child 1 and helping him recall ALL the details provided the clues I needed to figure out the root of the problem.

As for waiting for the dreaded phone call, yea, I totally understand. When they started coming every day for every little thing, I pulled my kids out. Now I don't EVER get that call and my anxiety is gone. {{{HUGS}}} to you.

 

[Liahona]

With difficult child 1 sometimes it is a choice. Other times it is as Insane said, but there are times when he chooses not to control himself. He can have a really stressful awful morning and I'm thinking oh no its going to be bad the rest of the day, but he has a great afternoon and evening. There are times when he is having a great day and it all goes downhill fast.

difficult child 2 isn't like that he does the fatigue thing just like Insane described.

 

[InsaneCdn]

Liahona - my difficult child goes both ways... certain parts are fatigue related, other parts are not. Anxiety, for example, has a specific trigger (not that we know in advance...) and it can kick in at any point in the day and he goes off the rails, OR, whatever he was anxious about can pass by, and he turns on a dime. Unless, of course, fatigue has set in...

I don't have all of these figured out yet. After THIS many years, you'd think you'd be getting close but... we still get left curves.

 

[HaoZi]

Anxiety is a big trigger for mine, and little things that make her anxious simply build up over the course of the day until she hits a boil point sometimes and no one specific trigger can be identified every time. Sometimes it's something big, like a project in one class or an issue with classmates, and little things add to it, sometimes it's simply just a day of little things adding up.