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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 759635" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Dear lovemysons</p><p></p><p>I am only seeing this heartfelt and heartbreaking post some weeks after you've posted. I think all of us have that fear, that we won't survive if the worst happens. </p><p></p><p>I pray to G-d that your son stays safe. I pray that he decides to live the kind of life that he deserves, that will take away from you this worry and terror.</p><p></p><p>I don't know where my son is. His phone that I pay for is not being used. I could deal with it when I thought he was blocking me. Since I realized he is not using the phone at all, I am beyond the pale. My son over the years has spoken often of suicide, been hospitalized several times, and he says, made an attempt. He has made several suicidal gestures.</p><p></p><p>As the years go by it gets harder and harder to hope. I may be stronger, I may have better boundaries, but the despair is the same when I don't know where he is, how he is; when I am not connected to him in some way. </p><p></p><p>There is no way to be happy unless I live in fantasy-land. I live in fantasy land when my son is out of sight, out of mind. In fantasy-land I can pretend he's getting better; working, happy, living in a house with other people, getting along with roommates, taking his antivirals for his liver. When he is near me I get mad, feel frustrated, feel unheard, disregarded, etc. When he is not in touch, and I don't know where he is, I feel bereft, afraid, sad, and desperate. </p><p></p><p>There are many mothers here who are able to be at peace, in the circumstances in which I live. But I am not one of them.</p><p></p><p>I just wanted to tell you, that I feel your pain and fear, with you. You are a remarkable woman and an extraordinary mother. I respect you more than I can ever say.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 759635, member: 18958"] Dear lovemysons I am only seeing this heartfelt and heartbreaking post some weeks after you've posted. I think all of us have that fear, that we won't survive if the worst happens. I pray to G-d that your son stays safe. I pray that he decides to live the kind of life that he deserves, that will take away from you this worry and terror. I don't know where my son is. His phone that I pay for is not being used. I could deal with it when I thought he was blocking me. Since I realized he is not using the phone at all, I am beyond the pale. My son over the years has spoken often of suicide, been hospitalized several times, and he says, made an attempt. He has made several suicidal gestures. As the years go by it gets harder and harder to hope. I may be stronger, I may have better boundaries, but the despair is the same when I don't know where he is, how he is; when I am not connected to him in some way. There is no way to be happy unless I live in fantasy-land. I live in fantasy land when my son is out of sight, out of mind. In fantasy-land I can pretend he's getting better; working, happy, living in a house with other people, getting along with roommates, taking his antivirals for his liver. When he is near me I get mad, feel frustrated, feel unheard, disregarded, etc. When he is not in touch, and I don't know where he is, I feel bereft, afraid, sad, and desperate. There are many mothers here who are able to be at peace, in the circumstances in which I live. But I am not one of them. I just wanted to tell you, that I feel your pain and fear, with you. You are a remarkable woman and an extraordinary mother. I respect you more than I can ever say. [/QUOTE]
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