The Result of the Latest Missing Person Report

Beta

Well-Known Member
Earlier this month, I posted yet another missing person's report with the Phoenix police, which is what I do when we don't hear from Josh and I want to indirectly ask him to contact us. Thursday night I got a call from an officer with the transit unit. He said he was calling, not because Josh was in any trouble but because apparently he didn't have bus fare (?) and so the officer had brought him back to an area of downtown Phoenix. It really didn't make sense to me, especially since I was completely dazed from being asleep. The officer had run a check and found the missing person's report I had filed, so he was calling to let me know he was with Josh. I asked if I could speak to Josh, but he said that he was not allowed to give someone his city-appointed phone. He put the phone on speaker and I told Josh that we want to help him and to please contact us. I couldn't hear any response. I should have asked the police officer to ask him to acknowledge that he had heard me but I didn't think to do that at the time. Then the police officer came back on and asked Josh if he was staying at the main shelter in Phoenix, which apparently Josh answered that he was. I asked the officer if he thought Josh was being truthful about that and he thought he was (I'm skeptical though). Anyway, I was in a complete daze and was trying to think quickly about what I should say and do. I asked the officer if Josh was aware of the missing person's report and that we are looking for him and want him to contact us. He said that Josh was aware of that. I asked him to beg Josh to contact us, and he said he would continue to encourage him to contact us. (by the way, the shelter will not confirm the presence of anyone there. I know because I've called before).
So here we are today and still no contact, and to be honest, I don't think he's going to contact us. I think he's walked away from us.

If I knew where he was, I would go there and confront him and insist that he tell us to our faces that he doesn't want anything to do with us. It would hurt, but there would be no doubt in our minds and no false hopes. The hope that maybe he will contact us keeps us emotionally tethered to him. I will always love him and will always pray for him, but I really would like to be able to accept and move on with life. I just don't know how I'm going to handle this the way it is right now--always wondering if today might be the day; being afraid to be away from my phone because he might message me and I might miss it...etc.

I don't know how to live with the hurt and anger and the "not knowing." If there is no word, do I continue filing missing person's reports, just to keep trying, or do I give up? Thanks for listening.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
I don't think he's going to contact us. I think he's walked away from us.
Beta. I am so sorry this hurts so much. I will tell you what I think and feel. That's all.

I think it might make sense to go to Phoenix, but not because it would give you closure. I don't think there is closure. There is only letting go. But letting go comes from you, not Josh.

Personally, I don't think there is ever closure with a child. To the extent there is, it comes from us, inside of us. You don't need to have Josh tell you he's done with you. Because what would that mean? It would only be words.

He is not connected to himself. He is connected to the drug.

The reason to go to Phoenix would be to as lms says, "leave no stone unturned."

Whatever Josh says or doesn't say, it's all in you. You have the wherewithal right now to give yourself a degree of peace.

Also, your feeling "he's done with us" is just a feeling. He could be, but even, then, in a year, 6 months, whatever, he could change his mind. I think he must have a great deal of shame. He might also feel loss and sadness that he is separated from you but just want the drug.

The thing is the Fentanyl. It is such a horrible and deadly drug that has stolen him away. All he knows is that he wants the drug. It seems he will pay any price. Even the loss of his family. but this doesn't mean he doesn't love and miss you. And need you. He feels he needs the drug, more.

The freedom to not be emotionally tethered to him is in you. It can never be complete, but you can come to live in freedom. I have, most of the time. But that doesn't mean I am not afraid. I am very afraid.
 
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Beta

Well-Known Member
Copa,
You've given me lots of good insights, as usual. Yes, you are right about the reasons he is not contacting us--the all encompassing pull of fentanyl, possibly shame as well.
He is not connected to himself. He is connected to the drug.
So true. Having never been a drug user, it's hard to understand fully but this makes sense to me. He believes it's not a big deal and it makes him feel better. He has told me this.
The reason to go to Phoenix would be to as lms says, "leave no stone unturned."
Therein lies the problem--we would go to Phoenix in a heartbeat if we had any idea of where to begin to look. We have none. He has been seen by the police in various parts of Phoenix, and I am skeptical that he is staying at CASS (the shelter). He could be. I hope he is. But to take off work, spend money on flights, motel, car rental, etc. with no idea of where to look just doesn't seem wise. In fact, in some ways, coming home without having found him would compound the pain, I think.
The freedom to not be emotionally tethered to him is in you. It can never be complete, but you can come to live in freedom.
I believe this is true. The catch is to learn how to let go. Right now, the thought of that seems overwhelming, but I guess it is only done one day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time.
I appreciate your input so much. I don't know about you, but I still feel a sense of shock that I'm actually living in the midst of this situation. I have memories of his growing up years and memories from just the last seven or eight years that continually break into my mind many days. I can be at work or anywhere and suddenly start thinking about him at one age or another, completely unbidden. I have to just shut them out sometimes.
I will never stop loving him and praying for him. I would give anything if I knew his whereabouts. I would be on the next plane to Phoenix.
 

Copabanana

Well-Known Member
The catch is to learn how to let go.
I think it's being with yourself. Being with your soul. It's letting go of the suffering. Not from them. Letting go of the story. I think ruminating about what they were, how they were as children hurts us. There is a way we can love them that is not attached to a body, to circumstances, to time and place.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
I think ruminating about what they were, how they were as children hurts us. There is a way we can love them that is not attached to a body, to circumstances, to time and place.
I know that I do this a lot (ruminating about the past), and you're right, it's destructive to peace of mind.
 

newstart

Well-Known Member
Earlier this month, I posted yet another missing person's report with the Phoenix police, which is what I do when we don't hear from Josh and I want to indirectly ask him to contact us. Thursday night I got a call from an officer with the transit unit. He said he was calling, not because Josh was in any trouble but because apparently he didn't have bus fare (?) and so the officer had brought him back to an area of downtown Phoenix. It really didn't make sense to me, especially since I was completely dazed from being asleep. The officer had run a check and found the missing person's report I had filed, so he was calling to let me know he was with Josh. I asked if I could speak to Josh, but he said that he was not allowed to give someone his city-appointed phone. He put the phone on speaker and I told Josh that we want to help him and to please contact us. I couldn't hear any response. I should have asked the police officer to ask him to acknowledge that he had heard me but I didn't think to do that at the time. Then the police officer came back on and asked Josh if he was staying at the main shelter in Phoenix, which apparently Josh answered that he was. I asked the officer if he thought Josh was being truthful about that and he thought he was (I'm skeptical though). Anyway, I was in a complete daze and was trying to think quickly about what I should say and do. I asked the officer if Josh was aware of the missing person's report and that we are looking for him and want him to contact us. He said that Josh was aware of that. I asked him to beg Josh to contact us, and he said he would continue to encourage him to contact us. (by the way, the shelter will not confirm the presence of anyone there. I know because I've called before).
So here we are today and still no contact, and to be honest, I don't think he's going to contact us. I think he's walked away from us.

If I knew where he was, I would go there and confront him and insist that he tell us to our faces that he doesn't want anything to do with us. It would hurt, but there would be no doubt in our minds and no false hopes. The hope that maybe he will contact us keeps us emotionally tethered to him. I will always love him and will always pray for him, but I really would like to be able to accept and move on with life. I just don't know how I'm going to handle this the way it is right now--always wondering if today might be the day; being afraid to be away from my phone because he might message me and I might miss it...etc.

I don't know how to live with the hurt and anger and the "not knowing." If there is no word, do I continue filing missing person's reports, just to keep trying, or do I give up? Thanks for listening.
Beta, I hurt for you. I know you have done everything, plus more for your Josh. He has no idea the pain you are going through. Adults that have never had kids have no idea how a mother worries and longs for her child. He must think that you are just going about your life and he is going about his. His days are in a daze and it just does not phase him that someone is out there worried to death about him. He has no idea what it is like to love and miss a child. He is self centered.. Drug abuse is a very selfish illness, they just think about themself and when they will get the next drug. The not know has to be the worst. I wish there was some sort of street cam or some way you can see him on a web cam. I wonder if you could talk one of the officers into taking a picture of him and sending it to you. When my daughter went off to college in another country, they had a web cam on campus to where I could see her walking to class from time to time. It gave me a lot of relief. I have had many years of 'not knowing' and it was worse than the bad news I did get. I just wish you would get some relief. I wish there was someone in the Phoenix area that you could make friends with that would take an occational picture for you. I made friends with a lady that worked in the office of where my daughter was going to college, she too had a horrible time with both her daughters so she knew where I was coming from. She kept an eye on my daughter and gave me updates. She was God sent. Hug hug for your broken heart.
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Beta, I am so sorry regarding the heartbreak over your son and his unknown whereabouts.

Many years ago I drove to California to pick up my son. Unlike yours he did know I was on my way. He didn’t have a phone but I knew he slept near the Target in Napa where many other homeless people hung around. They can often be found around fast food places too.

If I were you, I would go to a Facebook page for homeless people in phoenix Arizona or a church group for phoenix Arizona and ask them for suggestions on where the homeless hangout in that area. I would then make a big picture of your son and take it with me with your phone number on it. I would plan to speak with many homeless people while there. Who knows…you may strike gold!

At least this way you may find some closure. You could take several of these big pictures of your son with a phone number and give them to homeless people to call you. You could also go by the police department and drop off the picture too so they can see how diligent you are about finding your son.

This is what I would do. To leave “no stone unturned.”

I just hate that you are in limbo not knowing where he is and trying so hard to connect with him.

I would plan to stay a couple of days and have a man with me. A husband, brother, etc. also take $50 worth of $1,s to hand out to homeless people who are trying to help you. Or even just buy a burger for people.

I will start praying for you and your son.
I hope you find a way to find peace.

Love,
LMS
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
Beta and Copa…

I’ve been thinking more about this word, “closure.”

And I think Copa’s right. You probably won’t get closure. I have closure now that my son is no longer here and lives in Heaven.
Others have closure when their children get well and recover from their addictions or mental illness…that is to say, they treat their afflictions on a daily basis and can now function in society without pain or problems for their parents or other loved ones.

But Beta you are in limbo land. Not knowing what your son’s situation or feelings are. Not even knowing where he is and trying so desperately hard to find out. This must hurt so bad. I’m sorry.

I just want you to have his “Truth.” To know where he stands…and maybe even more importantly for you to let him know face to face where YOU stand. To be able to hug him and tell him you will always love him and constantly pray for him and never give up hope.

Maybe you will find some measure of peace if you know you truly have tried to do all you can.

Prayers reaching out for your son to know in his heart how much his mama will always love him. I hope you find him or that he contacts you soon.

Love,
LMS
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
Beta, I am so sorry regarding the heartbreak over your son and his unknown whereabouts.

Many years ago I drove to California to pick up my son. Unlike yours he did know I was on my way. He didn’t have a phone but I knew he slept near the Target in Napa where many other homeless people hung around. They can often be found around fast food places too.

If I were you, I would go to a Facebook page for homeless people in phoenix Arizona or a church group for phoenix Arizona and ask them for suggestions on where the homeless hangout in that area. I would then make a big picture of your son and take it with me with your phone number on it. I would plan to speak with many homeless people while there. Who knows…you may strike gold!

At least this way you may find some closure. You could take several of these big pictures of your son with a phone number and give them to homeless people to call you. You could also go by the police department and drop off the picture too so they can see how diligent you are about finding your son.

This is what I would do. To leave “no stone unturned.”

I just hate that you are in limbo not knowing where he is and trying so hard to connect with him.

I would plan to stay a couple of days and have a man with me. A husband, brother, etc. also take $50 worth of $1,s to hand out to homeless people who are trying to help you. Or even just buy a burger for people.

I will start praying for you and your son.
I hope you find a way to find peace.

Love,
LMS
Thank you LMS. We thought about going to Phoenix in December. While we were mulling it over, I called several shelters and agencies and emailed a photo of Josh that had been taken by a police officer a month before that. I called a downtown grocery store where Josh had been caught shoplifting and asked if they had a bulletin board to post notices, but they didn't.

Phoenix is a very big city. There are areas where homeless tend to congregate but we were told by a police officer it can be very unsafe to just walk around, and my husband did not like the idea of risking being mugged. Going out there, without any idea of where to begin looking would very, very difficult to impossible. It would literally take a miracle to run into him. I did go to Facebook and posted on some pages, with a photo. I searched for "Phoenix homeless." Is there another search engine that might be helpful? Some of the FB pages will not allow posting of missing people.
 

Beta

Well-Known Member
Beta, I hurt for you. I know you have done everything, plus more for your Josh. He has no idea the pain you are going through. Adults that have never had kids have no idea how a mother worries and longs for her child. He must think that you are just going about your life and he is going about his. His days are in a daze and it just does not phase him that someone is out there worried to death about him. He has no idea what it is like to love and miss a child. He is self centered.. Drug abuse is a very selfish illness, they just think about themself and when they will get the next drug. The not know has to be the worst. I wish there was some sort of street cam or some way you can see him on a web cam. I wonder if you could talk one of the officers into taking a picture of him and sending it to you. When my daughter went off to college in another country, they had a web cam on campus to where I could see her walking to class from time to time. It gave me a lot of relief. I have had many years of 'not knowing' and it was worse than the bad news I did get. I just wish you would get some relief. I wish there was someone in the Phoenix area that you could make friends with that would take an occational picture for you. I made friends with a lady that worked in the office of where my daughter was going to college, she too had a horrible time with both her daughters so she knew where I was coming from. She kept an eye on my daughter and gave me updates. She was God sent. Hug hug for your broken heart.
Newstart,
You are so right--drug use is a very selfish illness. As Copa said in a previous post, "Josh is not connected to himself. He is connected to the drug." That was an insightful comment to me.
Back in November, a police officer sent a photo of Josh. Honestly, it was (is) hard to look at. I used it to email shelters and agencies who might have encountered him.
Yes, the "not knowing" is worse than anything I think. I wish we could have some relief too. It just goes on and on. I'm praying that God will make a way for us to know where he is so we can get out there and see him face to face.
 

lovemysons

Well-Known Member
On Facebook search “help the homeless of phoenix Arizona “

Also search “church groups in phoenix Arizona that help the homeless “
 

New Leaf

Well-Known Member
Hi Beta,
It’s so difficult to not know where, what, why, how our adult children are doing. Then again, it’s also difficult to know those things and process the answers. I am sorry for your heartache. I am glad that the officer was kind enough to call you and let you know that he had Josh with him. Although your son did not reply to your offer to help, your message in love was there.

I have memories of his growing up years and memories from just the last seven or eight years that continually break into my mind many days. I can be at work or anywhere and suddenly start thinking about him at one age or another, completely unbidden.
I think this is the part that our minds and hearts wrestle with the most. The good times and the difficult times. The memories that pop up with familiar places and songs, or just appear out of the blue. I had a task to do that I avoided for years, my photo albums needed to be redone, all those pictures just haunted me. Then I realized that it was a gift to raise my girls up. That we did have some wonderful times together when they were growing up. I was able to finally go
through those old albums with a different perspective of gratitude for the good times, rather than lamenting what is. I believe we go through intense grieving over the lifestyle and choices of our wayward adult children. It is different than the finality of losing a loved one in death. It is a lingering, persistent grief that waxes and wanes. It has been helpful for me when those feelings hit hard, to say a prayer and ask God to watch over my two. Writing here helps too, most of what I write is a reminder to me to stay the course. When I am troubled by new events, the support here is tremendously helpful.
Going out there, without any idea of where to begin looking would very, very difficult to impossible. It would literally take a miracle to run into him.
I think you and your husband are approaching this in a most rational way. Tornado once asked me why I don’t go and seek out her sister. I know it is not a safe area for me to be. Unfortunately, there has been a rise in violent attacks, I do not want to put myself in a vulnerable position. Our safety is important.
I will never stop loving him and praying for him
Me too, Beta, I will always love my children and hope and pray for their recovery. I hope you are feeling better each day. Prayers going up for all of us who are met with the challenge of learning to live our best lives while processing the reality of our wayward adult children’s choices. It is not an easy journey, that’s for sure. Hang in there.
(((Hugs)))
New Leaf
 
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