Hi everyone, thank you so much again for lifting me up. Sigh.
Ugh, Sorry you answered the phone. Hugs fir you , I know you don;t really need them but I am sending them anyway! I expect a text from mine any day that he needs money. What are we always the ones they want to fix/help with their messes?
Thank you Tired, Hugs are always welcome. I do need them, the support of those who have walked this journey is fortifying. They just know how to
get to us, to hurt us and still have this feeling of entitlement. That’s why it’s us. They use our love to try to take advantage of us. That is not acceptable. It’s abusive.
New leaf. Nobody judges you. Anybody would have done as you did. It is all of it on her.
Thank you Copa. I just have to stop saying I won’t pick up, because maybe I will. I think my main goal will be if I do, not to go down the rabbit hole with her ridiculousness.
but inflicted damage via text. How he is traumatized by events involving me.
Ugh. I am so sorry about this. They try to brand us with their own
.
We know why this is, finger pointing, so they don’t have to own it, or change. It still hurts.
I replied: look in the mirror. It's you. Not me. And :leave me alone. Adding: I'm blocking you.
Good for you. Stand your ground. Nobody needs to hear that stuff, and our kids do need to look in the mirror. They are so keenly focused on our mistakes and labeling us, they don’t even see the hypocrisy.
And then I worried all night and day he would self harm. I have heard nothing since.
That’s me, catastrophic imagery. But you know, that is what they would have us think. Then, I have to remind myself of my daughters
grandiosity. She is probably feeling triumphant at her rant. Like “I told her a thing or two.” I have to hold on to my emotional boundaries, rebuild that wall that protects the heart of me.
let him live his life. Its his not your responsibility. It has not a thing to do with you. Think positive thoughts. He's mad because you are not doing what he wants. Let him live with it. Don't worry. (I am repeating this, because he's right. I want you to feel better.)
M is right. Thank you for sharing his wisdom. When you view it this way, I am able to see it for what it is, an adult tantrum. “I want what I want, when I want it.”
I felt like you do. Stabbed in the heart. And guilty. And angry. At myself
Yup. That’s about the size of it. Sucker punched. My son said “Mom, you are the only one who will answer her calls, and look how she treats you.”
You see. In relation to us they are predators. They are either seeking to consume what we have. Or retaliating if we do not proffer it, without resistance.
There seems to be not one ounce of empathy, just a whole lot of me, me, me. I took my grands to the water park yesterday and witnessed about four kids having meltdowns because it was time to go, or eat. Full on screaming and carrying on. Not a care about how they looked, or sounded. I want, I want, I want. This is my daughter to a “T”. You are right, Copa, they are predators. They have dehumanized us in their minds. We can’t allow ourselves to fall victim to that. To dehumanize and judge ourselves so harshly. To see ourselves through their eyes.
New leaf. Her attack is because you don't go belly up.
I think you are right. It will never be enough. My son said “Mom, maybe if you phrased things differently...... she is probably really sensitive and hurting.” I told him that I should not have to walk on eggshells for any of my kids. That in her case, the only thing that would have sufficed was if I said “Why yes, of course I sent the letter and photos, put money in your account, hired you a lawyer, talked to the PD about supervised release.....” Still, none of that would have been
enough.
You are her mark. Or her victim. Either/or.
True. True too, that I cannot allow this.
There is NO possibility if another type of interaction with them. While she is in this mindset.
Equally true.
When will she change? If she stays in jail, I think in 6 months WITH NO CONTACT with you she may be more open.
This is hard to envision. Change. She has been this way for so long now. It seems first nature. Her siblings think she is deranged. They talk to me about her selfishness and defiance, when she was younger. Before the drugs. I still have hope, for her, but.......don’t desire contact with her if she continues on this path. It is too damaging for me. Admittedly.
Meanwhile. It angers me (at her) that you need to justify yourself to her. Why?
Why indeed. She has no clue. Some days, I come home so completely exhausted. I also have no idea what to write to her, not because I don’t know what to say, it would be a book, if I let it
all out. Maybe I will write the book, then edit it.
I think you are entirely within the right to restrict contact and set your rules. Which could be: letters, no contact, or whatever else you may need.
I think so too, Copa, if only I could apply that. My own rules. I will try. I find myself swaying from anger, to sadness, to mourning, to forgiveness, to yearning. The whole gamut. How many times do I need her to show me who she is?
I believe she needs to be curbed. But I could be assessing this thru the lens of my own child.
This has been my intention, but my knee jerk reaction is to pick up. I have to work on this.
You are doing life, she is not. Unconditional love does not mean anyone should take crap and fulfill demands from someone else.
Right? I have always balked at that term. Unconditional love, but,
she is putting conditions on me.
I wonder what she would say to you if you told her you needed unconditional love and to stop acting like an ass towards you.
I had to chuckle at this. She is so caught up in her own brought upon misery, she can’t see her own actions. This has been her way for quite some time. Like the tantrum throwing kids at the water park.
She is a jerk, Albie. I just want to tell her “What do you think your kids will have to say about your mothering, or lack of?”
She's like a cornered animal. She can't shunt her emotions with substances or wild them away, so she has no choice but to start to process her (ahem...stuff).
This is true, but, it has been her
way for years now. She will shout over anyone who doesn’t respond to her liking, storm out screaming. I don’t know if it is the drugs, or she has some serious mental issues. She definitely has a hard time putting herself in other people’s shoes, or listening to truths she does not want to acknowledge.
I'm so sorry for the way she drew blood. It's terrible and uncalled for and a cheap shot, discounting your loss that way.
It was a cheap shot. Her lack of respect and empathy precedes her. I realize it is hard to lose a parent. But to hold that over a grieving mother. It’s a low blow. If she only knew her part in Hubs demise. How utterly depressed he was at her and her sisters choices. It feels horrible to write this, but it is true.
To come from his background and work so hard to provide better for his own children, only to witness them sink below the levels he endured.It pained him deeply. I was thinking that she paints this picture of me as cold and heartless, I know I am neither of the two. It suits her purpose, to try to draw me in and deflect her own responsibility.
She's starting to grieve, and to acknowledge. Quite inappropriately and directed at whomever is unlucky enough to be in the line of fire, but it's a start. I fervently hope she let a little light in with her outburst. Maybe some of her darkness can be dispelled.
This is probably so, but it has been her default button ( or in her case, every one else’s fault) to lash out at anyone in her line of fire, her own kids included.
In the meantime, you would be well within your rights not to take any calls from her for quite awhile.
I think so too. I have to resist the temptation. Sigh. It takes effort to work through the hurt. Even if I can rationalize that it is the addict speaking.
We all need to remember we are human and want to be there for our kids even if they have gone off the rails.
Thank you CTM.
It’s so hard not to pick up the phone thinking ‘maybe...just maybe...this time will be different.’
It is so hard. I do worry that she has no one.
They say we owe them ‘unconditional love’ but what they mean is we must do whatever they want, on their schedule
That is exactly what she means. Too bad.
Love is not slavery. They already KNOW we love them, and they are using that love as a weapon.
I have to remind myself that she knows I love her. Not fall prey to her demands and tantrums that insinuate I don’t. It is a goading to get me to fall in to the trap.
Forgive yourself for being human. You picked up because you love and hope. It hurts because you love
Thank you Elsi. This is so true.
I think of my own mom, so far away and frail. I would never treat her so disrespectfully. I am dealing with a totally different mindset with Tornado. She has to learn better and want to do better. She is as Re put, feral. Lashing out at anyone who stands . Biting the hand that feeds her. No humility, or ability to see her own responsibility in her choices and consequences.
Thanks everybody for being so very kind and supportive. My lifeline to sanity.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy
