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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 762788" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Hi Mirabelle,</p><p>I am sorry that you are living this hardship. I have been absent for a time, busy with life and raising my granddaughter. I once had a revolving door and understand the misery. I woke up to the reality that our attempts to help really didn’t help and dragged our family down the rabbit hole. Unfortunately my dear hubs (since passed) was still pretty thick in the cruel game of it. </p><p>There was always some calamity that had to be addressed “yesterday” which led to this utter feeling of despair. Ruminating circular thoughts, anxiety. I would rearrange the house to accommodate my daughter and my grands (that was the hard part, having littles) in the craziness of it all. We had two young ones growing up in the midst of this chaos, and I was so blinded by the ever present need for help, that I did not realize the effect it had on them. My younger children. Watching and suffering in the mess. Money went missing, jewelry as well. We started locking valuables in our vehicles and sleeping with our keys. It’s amazing how we shape our world to accommodate our addicted loved ones who have absolutely no desire to get out of the quick sand they got themselves into with drug use. So into the quagmire we went, hypnotized by their desperation. As if, as if<em> we could actually really help them.</em> All they did was help themselves to our valuables and the most precious of all, peace of mind. </p><p>Gone. </p><p>I think it is by addictions design that we are dragged into this aura of desperation that seeps into our very souls. Addicts are desperate for their next fix. It’s as if we are drawn into the flame of it by their choices and the consequences they face. I call it the swirly-whirly. This desperation keeps us in a frame of mind that <em>we</em> have to do something to help get them out of the quicksand, but in reality we are pulled in right with them. It’s not fair. It sucks, to be blunt. It’s a lonely existence, having a loved one on the streets. It’s torture, really.</p><p>The thing is, my two would always have an emergency, but always ended up going right back to whatever situation that caused it. It was madness! </p><p>They were never diagnosed with mental illness but I am sure by now after so many years of meth use, their thought process is compromised.</p><p>Mine is as well, the stress of this is overwhelming. </p><p>Looking back, I wish I would have <em>just stopped.</em> Ahhh retrospect. Hubs and I were certainly not equipped to deal with our twos active addiction. An adult addict begs to “come home”, not because they want to change, they want us to bend to accommodate them. My daughters felt entitled to what we worked hard for. We felt obligated, because they are our loved ones. It was a vicious cycle. </p><p>I’m sorry, I’m venting.</p><p>The difficulty is when a couple have different mindsets about how to deal with the unpredictable/predictable calamities having addicted loved ones presents. You may be further along in your understanding of the manipulation you are experiencing, than your hubs is, and that is a tough spot to be in. It’s not that our addicted loved ones don’t get themselves into dire circumstances, they do. <em><u>It is a consequence of their choices. </u></em>The more we bail them out, the more they expect, the more they try to manipulate us to do their bidding, at <em>our expense. </em>It’s not just the money, valuables, it’s the time and energy spent, the stress, the deep hurtful loss felt, the pain and suffering we endure. </p><p>I began to say “no more”, before hubs. He was more than willing to continue to throw down for his girls, our grands. There was no changing his mindset. That’s where it gets doubly hard. I feel for you in this. It’s impossible to convince someone else that our “helping” is not helping. Our attempts to help just prolonged the madness. If an addict is truly tired of the mess active use gets them into, they will seek to quit. Quitting never happened in my home. It still hasn’t happened, and I still fall prey to the emotional rollercoaster when my daughter tries to draw me back into the thick of it.</p><p>We had an admin named “Recovering Enabler” here, and that is such an appropriate nom de plume. I think I will forever be working at recovering, as much as my addicted daughters need to work on their own recovery. I have come to realize that none of our rescuing them ever helped. It just drew us into the chaos. There will always be an emergency with active addicts. Always.</p><p>I am presently battling my own backwards feelings of obligation towards my daughter who is in jail, wants money for her phone account, wants to “come home” if she is released. “It’s the only place I will get better.” She wrote to her 14 year old daughter. Gasp. How awful to drag her own child into that. But, there it is. The truth is, the only place she will get better is at a rehab, with people trained to work with her to battle her addiction. Then, sober living. Having the responsibility of getting a job, a home.</p><p>We become just as ill as they are, I believe, and addictions aim is to keep us in the FOG, so that we are dragged about in the muck, dazed and confused, heart wrenched and exhausted. How can we make good decisions in such a state of mind? We can’t! It’s not possible! That is the design of this crazy whirlpool, that we become so dazed and confused that we are fooled into thinking we are capable of changing the course our loved ones are set on.</p><p>We are the <em>last people on earth</em> to truly help. Truly help. It’s because this relationship we have with our addicted loved ones is not born of true love on their end. Our loving attempts are not reciprocated, we become objects, depersonalized, degraded. This “relationship” is born of desperation, and an addict will keep you in that cesspool to drain your resources, keep you anxious, nervous and miserable so that they can have their cake and eat it too. We are not trained to see through eyes wide open, what is really going on. We are reaching through our own heartfelt desire to see our loved ones well, functioning, safe. The reality is that they have to want that for themselves, they have to see what actively using has done to them, and is. We can’t convince them, or control their choices. So it behooves us to do everything we can to pull up and out of the quicksand, re-educate ourselves over and again, realizing that <em>we matter. The peace in our homes, matters.</em> If we don’t stand up for ourselves, no one else will, certainly not an addict. They will use us up and spit us out in a nanosecond, then expect us to jump to the next “emergency” without batting an eyelash.</p><p>Nope. Not happening. I’m writing to myself as much as I am writing to you. I started ruminating again, after having no contact for months, then the phone calls came from jail, again. I decided to ignore them. I need a break from all of this. So does my granddaughter and grandsons. I decided that I was not going to be the conduit for her attempts at communicating with all of us after months on the street with nary a word. The calls kept coming, I didn’t pick up. But oh did the FOG slip in and it got so thick, I started fretting and imagining every bad thing that could happen because I didn’t engage. That’s how I came back to this site, to find relief and set my head straight again. She did write me a letter and within weakly apologized for being an “inconvenience”.</p><p>Huh. My stomach turns writing that. An inconvenience. Geez. That doesn’t begin to describe what we have all suffered.</p><p>This is not a fair game for any of us. It is literally hell on earth. It is the toughest thing, grieving over and again. I say that it is harder than losing someone in death. There is a permanency to that. This battle we go through with addicted loved ones is ongoing. </p><p>The thing is. We have our lives to live. It is not selfish to switch focus, to practice self love, to say NO! No, not going to pick you up, house you. </p><p>My 14 year old granddaughter is wise in her young years. She said to me “Tutu, my mom has to learn to figure things out for herself.”</p><p>She’s right, she does have to figure her life out. There is true help out there for our beloved wayward adult children, but <em>they</em> have to really want help. </p><p>Stay strong. </p><p>I’m going to work at that, too.</p><p>I hope your hubs will see that he needs help and gets it. Your strength will be an example, but he has to see for himself and work harder at detaching emotionally. That’s a tough one.</p><p>Much love to you.</p><p>I am so sorry you are dealing with this.</p><p>(Hugs)</p><p>Leaf</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 762788, member: 19522"] Hi Mirabelle, I am sorry that you are living this hardship. I have been absent for a time, busy with life and raising my granddaughter. I once had a revolving door and understand the misery. I woke up to the reality that our attempts to help really didn’t help and dragged our family down the rabbit hole. Unfortunately my dear hubs (since passed) was still pretty thick in the cruel game of it. There was always some calamity that had to be addressed “yesterday” which led to this utter feeling of despair. Ruminating circular thoughts, anxiety. I would rearrange the house to accommodate my daughter and my grands (that was the hard part, having littles) in the craziness of it all. We had two young ones growing up in the midst of this chaos, and I was so blinded by the ever present need for help, that I did not realize the effect it had on them. My younger children. Watching and suffering in the mess. Money went missing, jewelry as well. We started locking valuables in our vehicles and sleeping with our keys. It’s amazing how we shape our world to accommodate our addicted loved ones who have absolutely no desire to get out of the quick sand they got themselves into with drug use. So into the quagmire we went, hypnotized by their desperation. As if, as if[I] we could actually really help them.[/I] All they did was help themselves to our valuables and the most precious of all, peace of mind. Gone. I think it is by addictions design that we are dragged into this aura of desperation that seeps into our very souls. Addicts are desperate for their next fix. It’s as if we are drawn into the flame of it by their choices and the consequences they face. I call it the swirly-whirly. This desperation keeps us in a frame of mind that [I]we[/I] have to do something to help get them out of the quicksand, but in reality we are pulled in right with them. It’s not fair. It sucks, to be blunt. It’s a lonely existence, having a loved one on the streets. It’s torture, really. The thing is, my two would always have an emergency, but always ended up going right back to whatever situation that caused it. It was madness! They were never diagnosed with mental illness but I am sure by now after so many years of meth use, their thought process is compromised. Mine is as well, the stress of this is overwhelming. Looking back, I wish I would have [I]just stopped.[/I] Ahhh retrospect. Hubs and I were certainly not equipped to deal with our twos active addiction. An adult addict begs to “come home”, not because they want to change, they want us to bend to accommodate them. My daughters felt entitled to what we worked hard for. We felt obligated, because they are our loved ones. It was a vicious cycle. I’m sorry, I’m venting. The difficulty is when a couple have different mindsets about how to deal with the unpredictable/predictable calamities having addicted loved ones presents. You may be further along in your understanding of the manipulation you are experiencing, than your hubs is, and that is a tough spot to be in. It’s not that our addicted loved ones don’t get themselves into dire circumstances, they do. [I][U]It is a consequence of their choices. [/U][/I]The more we bail them out, the more they expect, the more they try to manipulate us to do their bidding, at [I]our expense. [/I]It’s[I] [/I]not just the money, valuables, it’s the time and energy spent, the stress, the deep hurtful loss felt, the pain and suffering we endure. I began to say “no more”, before hubs. He was more than willing to continue to throw down for his girls, our grands. There was no changing his mindset. That’s where it gets doubly hard. I feel for you in this. It’s impossible to convince someone else that our “helping” is not helping. Our attempts to help just prolonged the madness. If an addict is truly tired of the mess active use gets them into, they will seek to quit. Quitting never happened in my home. It still hasn’t happened, and I still fall prey to the emotional rollercoaster when my daughter tries to draw me back into the thick of it. We had an admin named “Recovering Enabler” here, and that is such an appropriate nom de plume. I think I will forever be working at recovering, as much as my addicted daughters need to work on their own recovery. I have come to realize that none of our rescuing them ever helped. It just drew us into the chaos. There will always be an emergency with active addicts. Always. I am presently battling my own backwards feelings of obligation towards my daughter who is in jail, wants money for her phone account, wants to “come home” if she is released. “It’s the only place I will get better.” She wrote to her 14 year old daughter. Gasp. How awful to drag her own child into that. But, there it is. The truth is, the only place she will get better is at a rehab, with people trained to work with her to battle her addiction. Then, sober living. Having the responsibility of getting a job, a home. We become just as ill as they are, I believe, and addictions aim is to keep us in the FOG, so that we are dragged about in the muck, dazed and confused, heart wrenched and exhausted. How can we make good decisions in such a state of mind? We can’t! It’s not possible! That is the design of this crazy whirlpool, that we become so dazed and confused that we are fooled into thinking we are capable of changing the course our loved ones are set on. We are the [I]last people on earth[/I] to truly help. Truly help. It’s because this relationship we have with our addicted loved ones is not born of true love on their end. Our loving attempts are not reciprocated, we become objects, depersonalized, degraded. This “relationship” is born of desperation, and an addict will keep you in that cesspool to drain your resources, keep you anxious, nervous and miserable so that they can have their cake and eat it too. We are not trained to see through eyes wide open, what is really going on. We are reaching through our own heartfelt desire to see our loved ones well, functioning, safe. The reality is that they have to want that for themselves, they have to see what actively using has done to them, and is. We can’t convince them, or control their choices. So it behooves us to do everything we can to pull up and out of the quicksand, re-educate ourselves over and again, realizing that [I]we matter. The peace in our homes, matters.[/I] If we don’t stand up for ourselves, no one else will, certainly not an addict. They will use us up and spit us out in a nanosecond, then expect us to jump to the next “emergency” without batting an eyelash. Nope. Not happening. I’m writing to myself as much as I am writing to you. I started ruminating again, after having no contact for months, then the phone calls came from jail, again. I decided to ignore them. I need a break from all of this. So does my granddaughter and grandsons. I decided that I was not going to be the conduit for her attempts at communicating with all of us after months on the street with nary a word. The calls kept coming, I didn’t pick up. But oh did the FOG slip in and it got so thick, I started fretting and imagining every bad thing that could happen because I didn’t engage. That’s how I came back to this site, to find relief and set my head straight again. She did write me a letter and within weakly apologized for being an “inconvenience”. Huh. My stomach turns writing that. An inconvenience. Geez. That doesn’t begin to describe what we have all suffered. This is not a fair game for any of us. It is literally hell on earth. It is the toughest thing, grieving over and again. I say that it is harder than losing someone in death. There is a permanency to that. This battle we go through with addicted loved ones is ongoing. The thing is. We have our lives to live. It is not selfish to switch focus, to practice self love, to say NO! No, not going to pick you up, house you. My 14 year old granddaughter is wise in her young years. She said to me “Tutu, my mom has to learn to figure things out for herself.” She’s right, she does have to figure her life out. There is true help out there for our beloved wayward adult children, but [I]they[/I] have to really want help. Stay strong. I’m going to work at that, too. I hope your hubs will see that he needs help and gets it. Your strength will be an example, but he has to see for himself and work harder at detaching emotionally. That’s a tough one. Much love to you. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. (Hugs) Leaf [/QUOTE]
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