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<blockquote data-quote="Mirabelle" data-source="post: 762801" data-attributes="member: 28712"><p>New Leaf, </p><p></p><p>You write beautifully, and with so much insight and wisdom. In attempting to save them from the quicksand, we get pulled under too. We go down the rabbit hole too. It is so true. Like you, we have 'emergencies' about once a month when the consequences come home to roost. My stepson has sold phones, shoes, jackets, backpacks, and now his EBT card, on a monthly basis. In his socks in the street trying to guilt trip my husband into letting him come home. "You can't leave me out here in the street with all these drugs." "So this is how it's going to be, you can't even help your own son." We do not allow him to stay with us at all, but around once a month his chronic self induced homelessness is presented to us as our problem to fix. Another hospital, or rehab, or shelter comes to the rescue, at which point the madness begins all over again. He has no intention of quitting drugs or following rules, he just wants a comfortable and free place in which to lead his lifestyle.</p><p></p><p>Your words : "It is not just the money, valuables, it is the time and energy spent, the stress, the deep hurtful loss felt, the pain and suffering we endure." Nailed it. It hurts so much to see the child you raised exploit your love for them, twist the knife to ratchet up the guilt, for maximum gain. My husband deals with our son mostly, bless him. He doesn't cave to major demands but the toxicity, the trauma of the face to face interaction, it is killing him. No food, no shoes, he feels compelled to assist. But recently dropping off food and shoes comes with a nasty self righteous guilt trip. I hope my husband will get jack of that and stop subjecting himself to such treatment.</p><p></p><p>I agree with you, for the majority, the only place they will get better is in rehab, followed by sober living, a job, their own home, their own responsibilities. Doing real grown up things for themselves. Trying to play the role of 'our baby' as a grown adult is just so manipulative, cruel, and furthermore, an insult to our intelligence! And yes, the FOG, the FOG! The stress of trying to make good decisions does keep us in undulating states of despair, and perpetually unsure of our own judgement.</p><p></p><p>I do empathize. It sounds as though you know how you must deal with your daughter. But feeling yourself slipping if not in actions, but in thoughts, is completely normal and to be expected. Much like the addict in recovery, we know that a slip in actions can unravel all we have worked so long and hard to build and preserve. But you got this. I have faith in you!! I could type all day but I must finish!</p><p></p><p>Much love and hugs to you too.</p><p>Mirabelle</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Mirabelle, post: 762801, member: 28712"] New Leaf, You write beautifully, and with so much insight and wisdom. In attempting to save them from the quicksand, we get pulled under too. We go down the rabbit hole too. It is so true. Like you, we have 'emergencies' about once a month when the consequences come home to roost. My stepson has sold phones, shoes, jackets, backpacks, and now his EBT card, on a monthly basis. In his socks in the street trying to guilt trip my husband into letting him come home. "You can't leave me out here in the street with all these drugs." "So this is how it's going to be, you can't even help your own son." We do not allow him to stay with us at all, but around once a month his chronic self induced homelessness is presented to us as our problem to fix. Another hospital, or rehab, or shelter comes to the rescue, at which point the madness begins all over again. He has no intention of quitting drugs or following rules, he just wants a comfortable and free place in which to lead his lifestyle. Your words : "It is not just the money, valuables, it is the time and energy spent, the stress, the deep hurtful loss felt, the pain and suffering we endure." Nailed it. It hurts so much to see the child you raised exploit your love for them, twist the knife to ratchet up the guilt, for maximum gain. My husband deals with our son mostly, bless him. He doesn't cave to major demands but the toxicity, the trauma of the face to face interaction, it is killing him. No food, no shoes, he feels compelled to assist. But recently dropping off food and shoes comes with a nasty self righteous guilt trip. I hope my husband will get jack of that and stop subjecting himself to such treatment. I agree with you, for the majority, the only place they will get better is in rehab, followed by sober living, a job, their own home, their own responsibilities. Doing real grown up things for themselves. Trying to play the role of 'our baby' as a grown adult is just so manipulative, cruel, and furthermore, an insult to our intelligence! And yes, the FOG, the FOG! The stress of trying to make good decisions does keep us in undulating states of despair, and perpetually unsure of our own judgement. I do empathize. It sounds as though you know how you must deal with your daughter. But feeling yourself slipping if not in actions, but in thoughts, is completely normal and to be expected. Much like the addict in recovery, we know that a slip in actions can unravel all we have worked so long and hard to build and preserve. But you got this. I have faith in you!! I could type all day but I must finish! Much love and hugs to you too. Mirabelle [/QUOTE]
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