The size of bowling .......

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by Star*, Jun 26, 2008.

  1. Star*

    Star* call 911

    and you won't believe the weird call I get yesterday near 5:00

    Dude's caseworker calls. I reamed him. Apparently there was a meeting Monday at the fosters. I took off work, drove across town, picked up husband and we were on time.

    No one was there for the meeting. Foster Mom amidst 20 screaming children tells me it was cancelled. Oh thanks anyone for the call. And the wasted time off work that I can't afford, and the gas. ARGH.

    The meeting was rescheduled for Tues - at 12:00 - DF got a call at 4:30 PM telling him they were SORRY they forgot to call us about cancelling. They forgot to call us for the meeting. Then said the caseworker said he was too busy on Monday to go. (he works 2 minutes down the road from the 2nd meeting place) argh again.

    The meeting was ABOUT (get this) SHOULD caseworkers office keep Dude on for services after he's 18? Dude being in a bad mood said NO, I'm moving to FL. #*$(# this. GREAT. 18 in 6.2 weeks and already a genius. If he looses services - there is NO foster home. ARGH third time. But see - Dude is in a bad mood and doesn't care, he was told by cw that there would be a SSI check for him in 30 days - for about 600 - WHAT??? BS. NO ONE helped this kid figure out the paperwork - and It's hard. I don't even know that I can fill it all out again - I did it once 3 years ago for Dude - cw "lost" it. Worthless.....really.

    Then the converstaion gets around to what he REALLY called about. (please sit down if you aren't)
    Dude asked HIM to ask ME if I would pay the $209 due in July 7th to keep him out of jail. I said NOTHING. I was FLOORED. Then I told CW that we had offered for Dude AFTER GIVING HIM BEACH MONEY _ AND AFTER HE LIED ABOUT HAVING ANY MONEY FOR PROBATION - that if he wanted to work off some money - we needed help. He told cw that he didn't WANT to come to our house and do work, in the dirt. He never gets paid enough.

    WHAT THE #)_#) BLUE"#)$(#)( IFREAKING@#_@() WHO gave that child over $800 to catch up his fines and get him out of hot water for the 1st crime? WHO went to Greenville, put up their house and land to bond him out of jail for the other thing he allegedly did? AND HE NEVER GETS PAID ENOUGH? AND DF IS DISABLED???? AND I WORK A LOT. A LOT A LOT......and make ends meet. AND I TOOK CARE OF THE PUPPYS NEEDS, vet bill, toys, food, medications.


    DF said - Okay I can't type that here.

    BUT .........HONEST TO PETE!!!!!!

    You think YOUR kid has a sense of entitlement?????



    And no - I'm not bailing him out - he got back from the beach last FRIDAY and has NEVER called to say "Do you have anything I can make a buck doing?" Had he even done that? We would have helped him out.....then the fosters tell us he can earn money around there - but he's lazy. UM----OKAY WHERE IS THE THERAPEUTIC in THAT? TFP my behind.

    I'm not happy - and DF is off his nut and called the cw and said "Call me tomorrow, I'd like to give you a piece of MY mind."

    Bother - I'm going home and go to bed - again.

    OH and DF said if Dude says to come get Pootie - she STAYS. Argh for the 9th time.

    If you made it this far........thanks for listening.

    I'm sure this kid thinks I'm going to cave and give him money at the last minute. - I AM NOT. :whiteflag::sad-very:
  2. Steely

    Steely Active Member

    What is the point of having foster parents if they cause dude to come to you with every boo-boo. They are supposed to be having a plan to help him, not call you to bust your behind on his behalf.

    Star* I am SO sorry!!!! Really, going to bed sounds like the best idea yet.
    Ignore, ignore, ignore.
  3. Andy

    Andy Active Member

    What is the SSI check for? Is the foster parents going to end up with that to pay for the expenses to care for difficult child? Ummm, if so that may be the source of the $$$$. Kids don't know to do this on their own.

    If difficult child gets to keep the money - does he know that $209 is less than $600 and if he is getting an income he gets to start paying his own bills?
  4. everywoman

    everywoman Active Member

    YeaH!!! He's going to be 18. That magical number where life becomes perfect. They are an adult. They are going to move out on their own. They are never going to ask you for anything again. Hopefully, if they feel like it, they will come visit!!! NOT!!!!! Magical thinking at its finest. Mine thought that too. He's 20, still at home, still the same lazy, argumentative, self-absorbed idiot he was at 17 and 11 months, and 29 days. But he is an ADULT!!!
  5. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    Go to bed Star, cover your head with the blanket.

    Good grief!

    I don't understand the TFP thing too well. easy child's mother in law was a TFP, and this woman knew squat let me tell you. If she needed advice or answers guess where she came??? To ME. Ha!

    She had a 17 yr old with a 1 yr old baby who had schizoeffective with major psychosis thrown in. State Kept her hands so tied up over what she was / wasn't allowed to do to "help" the girl she finally gave up completely. Girl became too huge a danger. The 17 yr old was move to yet another TFP, while the baby stayed and wound up adopted. Huge mess.

    I don't know how they did it, but the state forced the girl to stay in the system even beyond 18. Actually, she'll never leave the system. Too much a danger to herself and most especially others.

  6. Star*

    Star* call 911

    OH this just gets better and better......I am seriously having my phone turned off. (We can live without the chaos) and we both have cells.

    When I got home DF said he had a very nice conversation with Dude's cw. (said sarcastically)

    He started out by asking the man WHAT he thought he was doing calling ME at work, asking in Dude's place for the money.

    CW denied it - said that he never said that - and that Star is confused. (yeah really wonder why?) then he said that he called me to ask me if Dude could WORK at our home to make some money.

    NO NO NO - that is NOT what he said. He flat out asked me for the cash for Dude. I TOLD Him - we had work. He said Dude told him he's not working here.

    Okay SO I called Dude - figured I'm not going to sleep at 6:00 PM for the likes of HIM.....

    Dude said - cw is whacked. That he NEVER NEVER EVER told cw to ask me for money. He went on to say that the CW asked him yesterday if he could get the money from US? Dude said NO way - they do not have it, and even if they did - they would not bail me out again.
    So I asked dude WHAT is going on? He said "Momma I messed up, I didn't work when I could have - and now I'm in trouble, but I never asked cw to call you for money for me - I would do that myself, I've never asked anyone else to ask you for money - and I'm not starting now.

    I said - cw told me you were refusing services after 18 -

    Dude said - NO cw asked me if I wanted to be a client until I'm 21 - but he said it like I was going to be in diapers or some stuff - making fun of me. And I said "Not if you're going to be there, I want to move out and get my own place eventually I can't live in foster care forever - and my parents are moving in a few months."
    He SWEARS he never said the stuff this cw told me - and then it occurred to us......that if the cw's client - Dude GETS INTO TROUBLE because HE has NOT been following up with the foster family and making sure he has a court ordered job - this could get HIM into HE essentially asked the $$ question to see if Dude was jerking him around - I think.....maybe. ?????

    I dunno. But Dude said he has been working - he has a little money - and if he ends up in jail - it's on him. He knows no one will bail him out. So he's trying to work now -probation check in to get as much as he can instead of going in broke.
    Maybe that will help he said. And I do not know.

    He said Pootie was fine - IN THE HOUSE, sleeping. And I left it go at that.

    I told him that the sadest part of my calling was that I actually believed that he DID ask someone - to call his poor, tired, broken down mom for money - when he is 17, healthy and capable of working 12 hours a day.

    He said - and swears he did not. Isn't it sad when you don't know WHO to believe any more? and our cw has gotten the story wrong a LOT - so it's not inconceivable.

    Honestly - when these judges give out these ridiculous sentences and fines WHOM do they think will help these kids at 16, no education, no job, no car.......I'm writing the 1st judge a letter......and I'm giving him a piece of my mind. Really really.

    star the weary

    I'm going to 1 up Ross Green - and write

    Parenting the explosive parent.
    A childs guide on how to NOT peeve off your parents.
  7. mom_to_3

    mom_to_3 Active Member

    Hugs Star, you deserve it. When it comes to my difficult child and those around her............. I only believe what I see and hear with my own two ears and eyes. Sounds like you have to do the same. What a web they weave!
  8. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    I dunno. What a mess. Lord knows I don't have any answers for you.

    BUT you second post sounded vaguely familiar. Not in content but in tone. Remember back when Dude was in the group home? And he was telling you about what was going on, but the group home folks were giving you a whole other line of bs? Your second post brought that right to the front of my brain.

    You know Dude.

    Dude hasn't been perfect, but he has been trying hard. SW comes along and tells you this stuff. husband confronts him, he tells husband something else. You talk to Dude and he tells you it didn't go down that way. Dude doesn't try to make himself out the victim, knows he did wrong and how, still wants to fix it if he can.

    Like I said. You know Dude. But from my end it's looking like SW dropped the ball on keeping tabs on the boy and now he's trying to come up with a quick fix. SW figures your not going to believe Dude over him. Afterall, Dude is in a TF home.

    Another thing in Dude's favor, he had another opportunity to ask you for the money when you called and still didn't.

    I don't think you should give him the money. Dude knew what he was supposed to do. But I tend to believe the boy on this one.

    Like I said, what a mess.

  9. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    What a conflama!!!! (con-flict + drama = conflama)

    I think this caseworker is an idiot who thinks you won't call your child and then weigh what Dude says against the caseworker's constantly changing story. How many other times has cw changed stories when confronted with the balls he dropped?

    This brought the situation with the other group home to my mind also.

    I think Dude has a week, maybe...maybe MAYBE IF he has over 1/2 hte $$ you should THINK about whether or not you want to give him the other half. Maybe if he gave you Pootie?? He could visit her, you could love her! (Have you got that Pomeranian hair out of your teeth yet?)

    Anyway, I would be frustrated and upset with this whole deal. You may have to get Dude and go to cw's boss to get paperwork to have Dude stay in care, but I think cs would lose the paperwork if you gave it to him.

    Heck, I think cw may have lost paperwork for htis kind of thing before, for other clients just to get rid of them. But that is MY suspicious mind.

    I am sorry for all the conflama. Have a nice cold drink and go cuddle iwth DF.


  10. Nomad

    Nomad Guest

    I'm totally behind in reading your posts and I feel horrible about this. I went to bed at 4 a.m. and just got up to start working again (it's 5:30) However, I can tell ya that I just started working with a social service agency with our difficult child and I already got the picture. They make appointments and don't keep them. They are horrible about returning calls. The bus is suppose to pick up difficult child and doesn't come, yet they don't call to say they aren't coming. AND the weird thing is they don't think there is anything "unusual" about any of these things. I told the director that I'm trying to teach my daughter that she is suppose to show responsibility and maturity in this world and they are making this more difficult when THEY show just as much irresponsibility as she does! I pointed out that she could be in a fragile state since she may have recently tried to "set her pants on fire" and was sent to the hospital for this and therefore they might want to make sure the bus picks her up on time for group therapy and return my calls in a timely fashion. I noticed that things have improved since I made that comment. A little gallow humor...Anyway, one good thing I "think" I'm figuring out is who has brains and power and who are the idiots. Weed them out. Pick and chose your battles. Ignore the rest as best as you are able. When something is really important, go to someone in charge who has a good head on her shoulders. Hopefully, there is at least one person around who fits the bill and make sure you are good to them. Hang in there sweetie...which also means don't forget to take time to nurture your hurting soul.
  11. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Hey {{Star}}, sending hugs.

    Obviously Dude has not done all that he could have to make enough money. It also sounds like the cw is a condescending moron and simply trying to cover his own behind, while throwing Dude under the bus.

    You have every right to be upset and angry at BOTH Dude and cw. But remember, it's not up to you to fix it anymore. You can write all the letters you want, but ultimately, it's up to Dude to take action for himself and it's very likely that your letters will be a waste. Sadly, for kids like our difficult children, their past precedes them and they ARE very much judged for then rather than now.

    Why do all these kids rely so heavily on the #18 to tell them that they are adults? Argh - everytime I hear it I see RED. I think it's our fault, personally - society puts a lot of emphasis on the age 18 their whole lives.

    Star, perhaps you should to take a step back and breathe deeply before you allow yourself to become any further entrenched in Dude's battle/conflict.

    Gentle hugs~
  12. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    I don't know what to say. Just wanted you to know I am here reading... and I do understand not knowing who to believe. The caseworker sounds like a moron, though, no matter what.

  13. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    Question.....are you having the same "audits" going on in SC as we are up here in NC all of a sudden of the state agencies? If so, the CW is CYAing is butt big time for his lack of action. Seems people in agencies around here are scrambling and doing all kinds of odd things (much like what you just experienced) to CYA if they can before they get audited (the paperwork and such). I know someone who went in 1 day and just resigned because he couldn't CYA all his mistakes.

    I can't tell you what to do or who to believe. Follow your gut as you mull this over. I'm sorry this is happening. I know it must really bother you, especially after the vacation thing. Somehow though, I know it will work out or be found out because I KNOW you!

    {hugs} Hang in there Star.
  14. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Thanks all -

    Dude just called me and started with the "I have a little saved up." So I called him on it - I said if HE will show me the cash he has - I will match it.

    But if he's lying to me? I won't help him at all.

    He said "I dont' have a nickel, I'm going to jail, I need help, I will work at your house."

    Sigh - I do have work, so I said "okay - I'll pick you up tonight you can spend the night with us & we'll get started early before it gets hot." and he says YES, OKAY? NO he said - "Well I'm supposed to go to the flea market in the morning with a friend." and I said "You have money for the flea market?" he said "No, but I made A COMMITTMENT TO HIM TO BE THERE." and I said - Well maybe he'll make the same committment to you when you sit in jail ."

    HOW are you supposed to help these kids???? Seriously!???
  15. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Yeesh! I would have wanted to reach through the phone lines and choked him. Oh, Star. They want us to make it all okay and help them but they don't want to do any of the work. I think you made a fair offer - now what? :laugh:
  16. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful

    :faint::2dissapointed: (we so need a smilie shooting itself in the foot)

    (((hugs))) Star. I'd have wanted to pull him through the phone line and stangle him too.

    Dude has made progress, but he's got a loooong way to go yet.
  17. Star*

    Star* call 911

    I work with a younger than me guy - 34 - who is a HUGE difficult child. He has Bi-polar and we've talked before about him being such a drama queen - (I don't pull any punches in real life either - call em like I see em)

    I told him of this dilema, and he smiled. See NOW he takes lithium, has stopped drinking and has a stable relationship with a woman who "gets" him. I met her - she's a difficult child herself but not as bad as him. Actually they are good for each other. And he makes VERY good money every week - over $1500.

    So I mentioned Dudes situation - and he just MOVED 1 street over. He said he would think about having Dude come work for him (cash basis) and decent pay. IF he will be up, and ready to work. I said I was sure he would be. He asked me to let him think about it. I told him the urgency. He said he understood ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL about paying the court.

    So.....maybe one difficult child will help out another and help me out.
    He was glad that difficult child didn't drink or do drugs - he said it's a pain when you're like he is, AND drink AND self-medicate.

    I asked him if he wasnt' glad he took a little advice from a well-meaning office manager.....he said "I'll love ya forever - but I sure didn't like you worth a dang when you talked to me a few months ago." lol

    I said - WELL you kept interfering in MY life - SO I felt the need to return the favor.

    Please keep this in your thoughts and prayers that this man calls Dude to try and help him make some money. And that Dude can handle working all day, in the heat and taking orders. (oh GAW what am I asking?) lol

  18. HereWeGoAgain

    HereWeGoAgain Grandpa

    I think it's moved beyond conflam to conflamagration (conflama + conflagration) - key syllable is "con" 'cause somebody is trying to con everybody here.

    Star, I can't even follow it all but it sounds like the kind of conflamagration that often results from mixing moody difficult children (e.g., Dude) with CYA-ing bureaucrats (e.g., cw). All I can say is, I can feel your pain. Hang in there -- this too shall pass.
  19. Star*

    Star* call 911

    Here We Go Again -

    I KNOW it's beyond conflama, but we aren't allowed to say

    NNNNNN NN here. :tongue:
  20. meowbunny

    meowbunny New Member

    Sounds like a lot lying and manipulation goin on by everyone. I do understand Dude's priority being his word to his friend. I get it all the time from daughter. If I push really hard, she'll end up doing the right thing (by my definition) but, frankly, it's not worth the effort. If she chooses her friends over her responsibilities, it is her problem, not mine. Same with Dude.

    From what you've said, it sounds like no one is being totally honest with you -- not the CW, not Dude. My guess is they did talk and came up with a plan to guilt you into paying. I love the "I know it's my fault and I'll do the time." I can just hear the hangdog voice. I know I sound mean, but I've heard that manipulation once too often. It's why it is now a pat of the hand and I'm sure you'll figure something out, dear, response. Granted, Dude's situation is a little more dire than being without a roof over your head, but not by much. Jail and homelessness both sound awful and neither is what we dreamed of for our children.

    I hope Dude comes up with some answers. Even more, I hope he figures out that doing what is necessary is a little bit more important than making his friends happy. (If he ever does, let me know how he came to his conclusions. Would love to teach my daughter that one.)

    As it is, I wish you the best and hope all this drama doesn't totally stress you out.