The Stress Keeps Piling On

Discussion in 'The Watercooler' started by tiredmommy, Apr 2, 2012.

  1. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    husband has been hell to live with these last few weeks: he's stressed about his mother and his job is very stressful. So much so, in fact, that he's taken to constantly griping and stress, apparently, is a competition of which only he shall win.

    Duckie has been great in public and at activities, but difficult at best to live with.

    Even one of the cats are sick, requiring a few vet appts and administering a pill everyday.

    My job is horrible. I'm actually fighting back tears because I'm scheduled today.

    And my in-laws... they are sucking the life out of me. It's not enough that I made an entire ham dinner last Tuesday, I didn't make a dessert. They were oh-so-disappointed. Then, we went there for dinner on Saturday. I brought dessert... it was snubbed and put aside. As was Duckie; she was seated with her cousins at the bar and not one of them even acknowledged her.

    And last night, after a such a stressful day with my little family that I could hear my blood in my ears and even had a very brief episode of blurry vision. My daughter sister in law shows up unannounced, as my older sister in law is calling and father in law is on call waiting. they're all fighting and upset and WE have to handle it.

    I know it's horrible to say, but I don't think I'm going to survive my mother in law's death. They're killing me.
  2. busywend

    busywend Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Well, at least you are not pregnant!! :groan: I know...bad joke - but it is true!

    I am sorry things are so stressful right now. It is a very difficult time for everyone, I am sure. Stay away if you have to. You know Duckie might go haywire on you if she gets too stressed, so stay away if you need to. Not worth it.

    husband....well, it is his mom. So, I get the grumpies are going to be around for some time. Just let him do what he has to do in order to get through it.

  3. Lothlorien

    Lothlorien Active Member Staff Member

    Sounds like you need to take a day off. Maybe you, husband and duckie should just take a day trip on Friday and leave the cell phones at home (or off in the car). Just enjoy the day with each other.
  4. TeDo

    TeDo Guest

    Maybe you and Duckie need to get away. She's more than likely reacting to the stress in the house and if she's being snubbed by family, the two of you do some things together. Get out of the house. Get away from family. Take a day or two off work.

    Take care of yourself! Don't let them drain all the life out of you. I know, easier said than done. {{{{(((HUGS)))}}}}
  5. DaisyFace

    DaisyFace Love me...Love me not


    I am so sorry...that sounds horribly unfair!

    I hope you can get a little break away from it all.
  6. Hound dog

    Hound dog Nana's are Beautiful


    husband, well........his behavior is somewhat understandable given his sibs and in laws behavior in this situation.

    You are a person who gives........and gives.....and gives. I think for the moment at least, you need a break from that. Even if you can't coordinate a day out with husband and Duckie, grab one for yourself. These situations are stressful as hades to put it mildly. If you aren't up to snuff.......well, it makes helping husband and Duckie get through this even tougher than it already is.

    husband's bro and wife and husband and I took turns at mother in law's bedside those last days. We each did what we could without over taxing ourselves. (I was in the middle of my nursing finals at the time). Rotating off like that made sure everyone got a break and it didn't become overwhelming. I dunno how big husband's family is..........but family taking shifts of however many hours at a shot would be less stressful for everyone, and would make certain everyone got a break from the situation. It would also prevent mother in law from being overwhelmed by family.

    If you can't take a whole least take a few hours. Go get your nails done. Catch a movie. Go sit in the park and read. I'd encourage both husband and Duckie to do things that help them relax as well. And remember.....they learn by example. So if you're taking steps to reduce and maintain your stress, they probably will be more open to doing so too.

    I know too well how hard this is. You and the family are in my prayers. ((((hugs))))
  7. rejectedmom

    rejectedmom New Member

    TM, I am sending you strength and peaceful thoughts. This is a very hard time for everyone and it takes a toll. I agree with those who have suggested taking a break, even if it is only an hour or two to get a mani or pedi or whatever you find indulgent and stress relieving. (((HUGS))) -RM
  8. AnnieO

    AnnieO Shooting from the Hip

    Oh, hon. :hugs:

    I do agree with Lisa... When my grandparents were in their last days, Mom was the only child, so she and Dad pretty much handled Grandpa... Grandma, fortunately Mom's BFF was there with her 'cause Dad and I were stranded in Ohio.

    Sometimes I feel as though if I don't do something, it won't get done. Well, maybe not... But sometimes I just gotta "go away".
  9. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I'm so sorry you're being overwhelmed by all this!

    When H's dad died last summer, H was miserable to be around. He just internalized a lot of his worries, sadness and concerns for his mom. Actually, he was downright mean at times (I believe I posted about it quite frequently). I had to detach from it quietly. I was a support, but I tried REALLY hard not to take it personally, which was very difficult at times. His stress added stress to everyone else. easy child was snappy, I was snappy, there was a generalized level of discord in our home. And it took a while for it to subside.

    Expecting that can be helpful for you. Find an outlet, do little outings to take a break (heck I loved to go food shopping two towns over just for the drive, something I normally hate!), meet a friend for coffee, go to the movies alone or with Duckie or even H. The IL's need to settle their own business - it's not up to you. When they bombard you or crash your home, make an escape plan for yourself and let H deal with them.

  10. InsaneCdn

    InsaneCdn Well-Known Member

    Its called burnout, TM. And yes, you need a bit of a break, somehow. Just to "come up for air".
    I agree with H&R... try not to take it personally. It's a really tough time for every single person in this picture right now. Many decades of history, many unspoken and/or spoken things that cloud issues and affect feelings...
  11. cubsgirl

    cubsgirl Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry all this stuff is piling up on you. Lots of ((hugs)) and prayers.
  12. KTMom91

    KTMom91 Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry, TM. Can you and Duckie get away for even an overnight?

    Many hugs and prayers going out.
  13. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Hello Tired. Yikes, you have so much going on. I know how overwhelming that can be, I am sorry this is all on your plate all at once. As others have mentioned, you may be on this road for awhile, so I think you need to make sure you take VERY,VERY good care of yourself and your little Duckie.

    Is seeing a therapist an option? That is always a huge help to me to vent to someone who is trained in giving you the best possible input and can really LISTEN to your woes. Being heard is essential now and you are surrounded by others in their own grief so you are essentially invisible. That is a very difficult place to be. There are also groups for folks dealing with grief. Hospice here in CA. offers groups for family members who are dealing with grief, and they are a big help because they know the stages of grief and how to help those dealing with that. For you and for your family too. I always look around for a support group, of which there are many here to choose from, for whatever issue I am dealing with. Sometimes hospitals offer groups too. If you can do it, try to find one so you get the support you need while this is going on around you. Having a forum where you can communicate your stress to others who can hear you and allow your feelings is, in my humble opinion, one of the most important things we can do for ourselves when life hits us between the eyes. Other options for keeping yourself well supported are acupuncture (a very good stress reliever, believe it or not!), massage, any nurturing kind of experience which will keep your stress down.

    Tired, my heart goes out to you, this is a lot. Perhaps, if it feels right to you, a therapist may also be able to assist you in either ways to deal with your job better, or a plan to help you with an exit strategy and ways to implement creating a new job. I believe that when life as we know it begins to blow up, it can mean that we need to really look at what we are doing and begin the process of making changes, dissatisfaction is often a sign of changes needing to be made. Perhaps it's time to make a job change. Having someone to talk to about that and my life in general, has always been very helpful to me.

    As someone else mentioned, and I myself have experienced, burnout is a very real thing. It does "suck the life out of you." Too much care-giving can not only burn you out emotionally, it has an enormous impact on your health, so it behooves you to take very good care of yourself. Take it from someone who had trouble learning that so my health took a nose dive and it took a long time to recover. My earnest and heartfelt advice to you is take excellent care of yourself, get support, do things you love, find ways to laugh and enjoy your life, exercise since that is a stress reliever, and as others have mentioned, do fun things with Duckie too so she can feel some relief from the tension surrounding the family.

    Just as an aside, when my life has hit the fan in big ways, when the dust settled, often there were changes made, things got resolved, important conversations happened, new ideas surfaced, boundaries that were needed were revealed and then put into place, things happened that were tough, but ultimately, those things precipitated changes that were necessary. Try to hold on to that thought, another way to look at it is all of this is an opportunity for growth. Hugs and peaceful thoughts coming your way and my best wishes that you find ways to be soothed through this challenging time.
  14. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    TM...I also understand and feel your pain. Is your mother in law involved with hospice? If not, I would really suggest that you suggest it to your husband in a quiet moment. I really loved how much they helped with both my dad and my grandmother. My mom died in the nursing home so they werent involved there. Of course even with hospice involved with my dad it was stressful because of my steps. I was falling apart and once Cory actually saw my dad he went around the bend too. My other kids didnt handle Cory and I being upset well so it was like the war of the roses. There was so much screaming the day or two before my dad died between us I am surprised we are still talking to each other.

    I do think you should attempt to take some time for yourself and take Duckie away from it all so she isnt so stressed.
  15. flutterby

    flutterby Fly away!

    TM, I'm sorry you are going through this. Your husband's family had their head in the sand over mother in law and so I guess it's no surprise that they aren't handling it the way they are. That isn't an excuse to abuse you, however.

  16. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Thank you for the support, I really appreciate it. Duckie and I are taking an overnight with friends next week when she's on spring break. Hopefully the change of scenery will do some good.
  17. LittleDudesMom

    LittleDudesMom Well-Known Member Staff Member

    The overnight sounds like a great idea! Additionally, is there any way husband would understand if you sent the dinner with him and stayed home tomorrow night? I can understand his moodiness, but you need a break too.

  18. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Unfortunately, husband's job is crazy (he was placed on a behind-schedule, over-budget project) and he's been getting out late from work so he's meeting us there. :(
  19. susiestar

    susiestar Roll With It

    (((((hugs))))) This is a tough situation. YOU are a caregver for ALL these people, which is a nice thing up to a point. You may not be doing all the day to day with mother in law, but you are doing a LOT with the inlaws and more with husband. It doesn't matter how stressful it is, or how much you love someone, you can only tolerate bad behavior and outright abuse for so long. This is going to take a toll on your health and on Duckies too. PLEASE don't stuff the hurt, upset and outrage at how you and your amazing, strong, wonderful, sweet daughter is being treated or your pain at the loss of mother in law and at seeing your husband in pain, or your hurt and anger at how you are being treated.

    Please find a therapist or support group to help you through this difficult time. It really does make a difference. Also find ways to give yourself breaks and support and recharge your batteries. in my opinion Duckie needs the breaks and supports too. She may even benefit from some counseling because this is a very hard thing for a young woman to understand. Duckie needs help to understand why she is so snubbed by your inlaws and how to handle it. You and Duckie both should think about where you want to draw the boundaries and how you want to stand up for yourself. It is one thing for a husband to be upset and stressed over the loss of his mother and a whole different thing for aunts and uncles and cousins to snub that husband's wife and o shun his daughter when they are guests in the home of the wife and daughter and husband. in my opinion that is NOT understandable or excusable.

    In your fantasies, how would you deal with the "Why no dessert?" koi and the total snubbing of your daughter? What would you LOVE to say but can't or think it would be inappropriate to say or do that? How can you get that same point across in a kinder, gentler way? I often find imagining that can help me find a way to improve the problem behavior with-o being confrontational.

    Hopefully things will get better soon, and I am so sorry that husband's mother is so sick.
  20. tiredmommy

    tiredmommy Site Moderator

    Susie~ Thanks for the concern. I think, at this point, the biggest stress for me is all the family togetherness with a bunch of people that barely tolerate each other. I hope we will go back to seeing each other (in small groups) every few weeks or so after mother in law passes. I feel pretty guilty about this, but a part me just wishes this were over. Not that I want mother in law dead, its just that I don't want the emotional turmoil to drag on. I am worried about Duckie and the toll that the stress is taking on her. Her teacher has been watching her closely but all is fine so far in school. I hope it stays that way; maybe school is a bit of an oasis for her right now.

    I'll be taking her, her bff, bff's twin and another friend to nearby Clifton Hill for some well deserved fun overnight from Monday to Tuesday next week (the twins' mom will be there too). She can rest some on Wednesday and go to ballet, I work on Thursday and husband will work from home, and Friday will be a quiet day. And the good news is that her 3rd grade teacher just posted on FB that she has tickets to Stomp! on Saturday and I bought them, so the three of us and a friend will be going there too!