The therapist appointment with difficult child went very well-Update on meeting/wedding stuff

Discussion in 'Parent Emeritus' started by hearts and roses, Oct 12, 2012.

  1. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    I just want to say this: I KNEW IT!!! This mom KNOWS her daughter, okay?? Just saying...

    So I went with difficult child to her therapist appointment so I could have the opportunity to respond to some of the things she said to me last Saturday (see other post) in regards to the wedding planning, etc. I set the record straight about what I did and did not say, I cleared up the cost of the wedding and what I am willing to do and what I'm not, I was VERY clear that it is THEIR wedding - not mine, not her future mils, and not exh....THEY get to choose everything along with the way within reason and within budget. I did tell her that some things she said were hurtful, mean and RUDE and, yes, I did tear up a bit. She looked a bit shocked. She straightened me out on a few things as well, such as my understaning that she behaves as if she's the only person in the world that comes from a divorced/step family...that has always been my impression because she's a drama queen, but I won't say that anymore because she made it perfectly clear that she does not feel that way and that most of the people she knows come from divorced or step families. Okay.

    By the end of the hour I had one last thing to say and I was hemming a bit, but decided to go for it because my gut was telling me it was the truth. I said, paraphrased, 'I know this girl, I know what she likes and what she doesn't. Gina, you almost never wear dresses, but you like getting dressed up. You almost never wear makeup, but you like looking pretty. You almost never want to be the center of attention, but you love when are if you're feeling and looking great. I think you want to have an elegant, beautiful semi casual/fancy wedding reception. Why else would you pick out a dress that made you cry? Why else would you want to wear my veil that grandma made? Why else would you choose colors and your sister and cousin to stand up with you? I think you're trying to shun the idea of an elegant wedding because you're future mother in law is making it seem like 'too much' or 'too fancy schmancy', or perhaps E is the one who wants the Hoe-Down wedding (not that there is anything wrong with that - it's just not what difficult child would go for) and you don't want to hurt his feelings. So, am I wrong? If I am wrong tell me....I will give you a set amount of money towards the wedding and you can plan it any way you want. Am I wrong?" difficult child just sort of stared at me, the therapist broke in and said some things....then looked over at difficult child and asked her if she wanted to say anything. difficult child had tears streaming down her face and said (loudly), "MY MOM IS RIGHT!!! I DO want it all! I want the pretty dress, makeup, flowers, nice shoes, nails, everything! I want it at the village and I want to have it be nice. I don't want a redneck wedding!!" Sobbing now...omgoodness. So I asked her if she was afraid to tell E how she feels and what she wants and she said she was!!!

    Thankfully, the therapist broke in at this point and made it clear to difficult child that she should bring E with her next week so they can discuss how she feels there. She also explained to difficult child that they will be married and it's important that E knows how she feels at all times, can't hold back like that and reminded difficult child that E is a grown man with two children - he can take it and therapist thinks that he would do anything for difficult child anyway (he would!) because he loves her to pieces!

    Then difficult child told me that she had already cancelled the appointment she made to see Ye Olde Newgate Coon Hunting Lodge or whatever the hell it's called. She said she didn't want the reception there and she said that above everyone she wants ME to walk her down the aisle, not H, not exh, not together, just me. I'm so glad I went. The therapist ended it by saying we need to take a step back, remember we are planning a fun party and celebration...when we feel stressed we need to take a break and then go back to it. I like that idea and so does difficult child.
  2. dashcat

    dashcat Member

    Wow! I am so glad it went so well. I'm sure difficult child is relieved and I hope she stands her ground. I especially love that she wants you to walk her down the aisle. therapist is right ... it's supposed to be fun. I think difficult child now feels that she has "permission" to treat it that way!
  3. DDD

    DDD Well-Known Member

    Hooray! DDD
  4. CrazyinVA

    CrazyinVA Well-Known Member Staff Member

    Awesome. I'm so glad you spoke up. Weddings do funny things to people --- and it sounds like difficult child got caught up in trying to please everyone, except herself. Good job, mama :)
  5. recoveringenabler

    recoveringenabler Well-Known Member Staff Member

    You are AWESOME! You took the risk to tell the truth and it allowed your daughter to see her own truth, what a fabulous job MOM!! I am so impressed. I can also understand how a young woman would get herself caught in between everyone's opinions, that's tough, but look how well it all turned out because you told the truth. Bravo!
  6. Calamity Jane

    Calamity Jane Well-Known Member

    I'm so relieved for you and difficult child. Thank goodness you went to the therapist...sometimes we just need a third-party referree, and you DO know your child! What a relief for everyone - she just learned to speak her mind and not get hustled by everyone else. Whew!
  7. buddy

    buddy New Member

    Wow that was intense and so great. Seems like a good therapist. You have great instincts and a blessed daughter to have such a great mom!
  8. DammitJanet

    DammitJanet Well-Known Member Staff Member

    What a wonderful post but....I am rolling here over...Ye Olde Coon Hunting Lodge. I know coon hunters and they wouldnt even call their lodge that...lmao. Were they going to honeymoon at Alligator Alley Inn or maybe take a Moose hunting trip?
  9. 1905

    1905 Well-Known Member

    She wants you to walk her down the aisle! How awesome is that? She has some work to do with her fiance, I'm glad the t-doctor is there, he seems like a good one.
  10. hearts and roses

    hearts and roses Mind Reader

    Janet, lol, you don't even know some of the things I was thinking. Incidentally, they DID say they may go on a honeymoon in West Virginia and do an outdoor extreme sports type of thing riding quads, etc...WHATever.

    UAN, the therapist is my old therapist and she is pretty great. difficult child says she reminds her of me, lol!