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Family of Origin
The win and the loss
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 676256" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>Hi Serenity.</p><p></p><p>I am struggling with this lately in a way that does not seem related on the face of it, but it is, I think.</p><p></p><p>I studied long ago the idea of "value." I found it fascinating the distinction between use value and exchange value.</p><p></p><p>Use value is related to intrinsic value. The essential value of something independent of its value bought or sold. Food, housing, clothes, commodities etc. all have a value in their basic use. We need them. They have what I will call an absolute value.</p><p></p><p>Exchange value is the value on the market. What somebody will pay for something can be far different than its intrinsic value. Look at a house. The same house in Malibu will cost more than that house 100 miles inland.</p><p></p><p>The relative value of the same house changes by where it is built.</p><p></p><p>What does this have to do with the win, you ask?</p><p></p><p>I think what happened to us in our families, some of us, is that we grew up with an uncertain idea of our value to anybody. Our self-esteem is very variable, depending upon the circumstances we find ourselves in. Or the circumstances we make for ourselves.</p><p></p><p>In problematic families like our own there was a great deal of competition around the child with the value because there was never enough unconditional love. Or any for that matter. Our value to our parents was always contingent, it seemed to us. We seldom got the sense that we were good enough or valued enough to be protected no matter what. The siblings always fought one with the other to have a higher relative value to the mother. One achieved that higher value to the mother by winning over one's brothers or sisters. Some of us refused to play the game.</p><p></p><p>I think making sisters or brothers the "bad one" may stem from this. I am good, she bad, means the mother will love me. A strategy to win "self-esteem" by any means necessary, by making the sibling less worthy. Highly impaired parents play the same game with their children, competing with them instead of loving and taking care of them.</p><p></p><p>A well-loved child has a sense of their absolute value to the mother. A minimally loved child will assess her value based upon her behavior or her circumstances or whether she is the "star" in her own mind, based upon criteria which is always shifting.</p><p></p><p>Entering into this are concepts we have written about on FOO. The concept of "Germany" for example gets to the idea of defining one's own value, one's intrinsic value, oneself, by how one treats oneself and cares for oneself. This is independent of how any one other person treats you. This is independent of how you are valued by your family and society. It is the absolute belief in oneself. It is a decision.</p><p></p><p>It is a very hard thing for me to get to this place.</p><p></p><p>The piece of it that I do not understand is this: I had the courage and the independence to not play the game as a child. I had the drive to establish myself independently through my efforts. I had the sense of self to build a personality which was non-conforming and individual.</p><p></p><p>But I always believed my value to be very minimal. Even though I know that this is not true.</p><p></p><p>I am in agreement with Cedar, that there are practices consistent with deciding value. That it is related to work. It is a practice that must be adhered to every minute. Going to bed on time. Getting exercise. Taking care of one's body and clothing. Cleaning the house. Setting limits with people, including children. I believe that there must be a decision every single minute, to decide one's value. By each decision I decide my own value to myself.</p><p></p><p>The more we do this, the more it can unnerve other people in our orbit. Like our sisters. Because they want to believe that their value is greater than our own, if we come from families that did not permit the children to feel their absolute and intrinsic value.</p><p></p><p>The more we set a limit with a family member, the more we take care of ourselves, the more we act like we are valuable to ourselves, the more unnerved they may feel. So that they feel like they have to do something destructive and mean "to show us our place," to "show us who we really are." I am thinking of Cedar's mother here: "Just don't think, Cedar." With statements like "who do you think you are" either manifest or implied, our families try to put us in our place...re-establish our lower relative value...so that they feel valuable in themselves.</p><p>Living our lives establishing through our actions, that we value ourselves, is the only way to do it, I think. And letting go the idea that anybody else matters except the people we love absolutely for themselves, no matter what. Whether they are rich or poor. Young or old. And first among them, needs to be ourselves.</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 676256, member: 18958"] Hi Serenity. I am struggling with this lately in a way that does not seem related on the face of it, but it is, I think. I studied long ago the idea of "value." I found it fascinating the distinction between use value and exchange value. Use value is related to intrinsic value. The essential value of something independent of its value bought or sold. Food, housing, clothes, commodities etc. all have a value in their basic use. We need them. They have what I will call an absolute value. Exchange value is the value on the market. What somebody will pay for something can be far different than its intrinsic value. Look at a house. The same house in Malibu will cost more than that house 100 miles inland. The relative value of the same house changes by where it is built. What does this have to do with the win, you ask? I think what happened to us in our families, some of us, is that we grew up with an uncertain idea of our value to anybody. Our self-esteem is very variable, depending upon the circumstances we find ourselves in. Or the circumstances we make for ourselves. In problematic families like our own there was a great deal of competition around the child with the value because there was never enough unconditional love. Or any for that matter. Our value to our parents was always contingent, it seemed to us. We seldom got the sense that we were good enough or valued enough to be protected no matter what. The siblings always fought one with the other to have a higher relative value to the mother. One achieved that higher value to the mother by winning over one's brothers or sisters. Some of us refused to play the game. I think making sisters or brothers the "bad one" may stem from this. I am good, she bad, means the mother will love me. A strategy to win "self-esteem" by any means necessary, by making the sibling less worthy. Highly impaired parents play the same game with their children, competing with them instead of loving and taking care of them. A well-loved child has a sense of their absolute value to the mother. A minimally loved child will assess her value based upon her behavior or her circumstances or whether she is the "star" in her own mind, based upon criteria which is always shifting. Entering into this are concepts we have written about on FOO. The concept of "Germany" for example gets to the idea of defining one's own value, one's intrinsic value, oneself, by how one treats oneself and cares for oneself. This is independent of how any one other person treats you. This is independent of how you are valued by your family and society. It is the absolute belief in oneself. It is a decision. It is a very hard thing for me to get to this place. The piece of it that I do not understand is this: I had the courage and the independence to not play the game as a child. I had the drive to establish myself independently through my efforts. I had the sense of self to build a personality which was non-conforming and individual. But I always believed my value to be very minimal. Even though I know that this is not true. I am in agreement with Cedar, that there are practices consistent with deciding value. That it is related to work. It is a practice that must be adhered to every minute. Going to bed on time. Getting exercise. Taking care of one's body and clothing. Cleaning the house. Setting limits with people, including children. I believe that there must be a decision every single minute, to decide one's value. By each decision I decide my own value to myself. The more we do this, the more it can unnerve other people in our orbit. Like our sisters. Because they want to believe that their value is greater than our own, if we come from families that did not permit the children to feel their absolute and intrinsic value. The more we set a limit with a family member, the more we take care of ourselves, the more we act like we are valuable to ourselves, the more unnerved they may feel. So that they feel like they have to do something destructive and mean "to show us our place," to "show us who we really are." I am thinking of Cedar's mother here: "Just don't think, Cedar." With statements like "who do you think you are" either manifest or implied, our families try to put us in our place...re-establish our lower relative value...so that they feel valuable in themselves. Living our lives establishing through our actions, that we value ourselves, is the only way to do it, I think. And letting go the idea that anybody else matters except the people we love absolutely for themselves, no matter what. Whether they are rich or poor. Young or old. And first among them, needs to be ourselves. [/QUOTE]
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