Forums
New posts
Search forums
What's new
New posts
New profile posts
Latest activity
Internet Search
Members
Current visitors
New profile posts
Search profile posts
Log in
Register
What's new
Search
Search
Search titles only
By:
New posts
Search forums
Menu
Log in
Register
Install the app
Install
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
The win and the loss
JavaScript is disabled. For a better experience, please enable JavaScript in your browser before proceeding.
You are using an out of date browser. It may not display this or other websites correctly.
You should upgrade or use an
alternative browser
.
Reply to thread
Message
<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 676501" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>I am here but a little out of it, with lots to do, and mildly frantic inside of me. While I am doing nothing.</p><p></p><p>I will comment just this right now: I am buying scarves. Because I realized almost all of the ones I have are junk. I did not know before. All of them are from the thrift store. I was earning big money and I bought everything I could from the thrift store. And I am not cheap. I could not entertain the idea that I deserved better.</p><p></p><p>I had to face that all of these scarves were junk or maybe 85 percent of them. So I researched scarves. The epitome of all scarves is a Hermes. I bought one on ebay. Then I bought half a dozen other scarves of related cache but not as coveted. Thus cheaper. But brands, like Dior or Richel or Canova. Names I did not know until a few days ago. Their commonality? They convey a sense of high value to their wearers and about them. Well, I did know Dior.</p><p></p><p>At first I envisioned myself in certain NY activities, as not good enough, not as good as the ladies who were there with me. Which is the justification I have used for all of this buying. So I look like I am enough.</p><p></p><p>And while pursuing this activity last night I went to my email where I though I had saved the list of brands that I was learning to search for. I did the search in my email for scarves and an email I had written to my son came up from Summer 2014, when I thought we would go to Detroit. I had bought us the 3 of us the props I thought somebody in Detroit winter would need, and I was telling him about it.</p><p></p><p>I was stunned at the tone of the letter. The love. I had never in my life received a letter with such an open heart. It was as if to enter the letter was to be enveloped with love. It was the most generous letter I can recall reading in my life. Generous with self. When I say it was a love letter, it conjures up the sense of something inappropriate so I will clarify that it was a "mother love letter."</p><p></p><p>I got angry reading it. And at the same time I chided myself. I got angry because I felt the cruelty at how he treated me and that I did not deserve it. And then I realized yet again how that might be a large part of it. How does an adult son leave such a love? He can only fight his way out of it. Which he did.</p><p></p><p>How much easier it is for him to treat me with love now that I do not any longer surround him with it. </p><p></p><p>I am tearing up now because I am recalling the buying of scarves to establish my value. I feel very sad for us, each of us, who never knew what it was to be loved by a mother in the way we loved our children. I feel sad for the women we were and are who walked through the world without the armor of a sense of securely held value and may still. (I will have my Hermes scarf to protect me. I do not even care if it is ugly.) I feel sad for myself who still cannot give herself order and cleanliness in her lovely home.</p><p></p><p>I will check in later.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 676501, member: 18958"] I am here but a little out of it, with lots to do, and mildly frantic inside of me. While I am doing nothing. I will comment just this right now: I am buying scarves. Because I realized almost all of the ones I have are junk. I did not know before. All of them are from the thrift store. I was earning big money and I bought everything I could from the thrift store. And I am not cheap. I could not entertain the idea that I deserved better. I had to face that all of these scarves were junk or maybe 85 percent of them. So I researched scarves. The epitome of all scarves is a Hermes. I bought one on ebay. Then I bought half a dozen other scarves of related cache but not as coveted. Thus cheaper. But brands, like Dior or Richel or Canova. Names I did not know until a few days ago. Their commonality? They convey a sense of high value to their wearers and about them. Well, I did know Dior. At first I envisioned myself in certain NY activities, as not good enough, not as good as the ladies who were there with me. Which is the justification I have used for all of this buying. So I look like I am enough. And while pursuing this activity last night I went to my email where I though I had saved the list of brands that I was learning to search for. I did the search in my email for scarves and an email I had written to my son came up from Summer 2014, when I thought we would go to Detroit. I had bought us the 3 of us the props I thought somebody in Detroit winter would need, and I was telling him about it. I was stunned at the tone of the letter. The love. I had never in my life received a letter with such an open heart. It was as if to enter the letter was to be enveloped with love. It was the most generous letter I can recall reading in my life. Generous with self. When I say it was a love letter, it conjures up the sense of something inappropriate so I will clarify that it was a "mother love letter." I got angry reading it. And at the same time I chided myself. I got angry because I felt the cruelty at how he treated me and that I did not deserve it. And then I realized yet again how that might be a large part of it. How does an adult son leave such a love? He can only fight his way out of it. Which he did. How much easier it is for him to treat me with love now that I do not any longer surround him with it. I am tearing up now because I am recalling the buying of scarves to establish my value. I feel very sad for us, each of us, who never knew what it was to be loved by a mother in the way we loved our children. I feel sad for the women we were and are who walked through the world without the armor of a sense of securely held value and may still. (I will have my Hermes scarf to protect me. I do not even care if it is ugly.) I feel sad for myself who still cannot give herself order and cleanliness in her lovely home. I will check in later. COPA [/QUOTE]
Insert quotes…
Verification
Post reply
Forums
General Discussions
Family of Origin
The win and the loss
Top