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Family of Origin
The win and the loss
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<blockquote data-quote="New Leaf" data-source="post: 676616" data-attributes="member: 19522"><p>Thank you Cedar, I will work on this. I think a big part of my challenge is that<em> everything was supposed to be perfect</em>. Rosy all of the time. I am going against everything I was taught, to even look back and examine my past. It is like swimming against the current. I was supposed to be happy and content, no matter what, stiff upper lip, "If you think you have it bad, look at all of the suffering people who have it way worse." "Smile though the world is crying", that sort of thing.Though all of these maxims have merit and truth to them, how was I as a little girl supposed to defend myself?</p><p>I have written that my situation was not as bad as you folks, and to a large extent, I think this is true. But, I think that what I am seeing, is that I was the one who was supposed to stop the torment, on my own. So why did my parents not stop what was going on? Why didn't they see what was happening to me? At least my Mom. She was around us more than Dad. Why didn't she stop my sister? Was I viewed as the problem?</p><p>I remember telling my Mom, what was going on, and hearing over and over, "Just ignore it Leafy, don't be so sensitive, don't cry, don't let them get the best of you." That's it. I don't remember my sister getting into trouble. I do recall, giving up, and not saying anything anymore. No use. So I lived for a long time, just stuffing it all down, and being alone in my room. I think by the time I was five, I gave up. I knew it was no use. So I set myself to trying to please my parents. Smiling even though I didn't feel like it. The harder I tried to carry myself through things, the worse my situation became with my sister. The more I was supposed to ignore it. It was a losing battle. So, I guess, I can say my Mom was involved, well, I don't know. Conscientious objection? Does that make any sense? Could my sister have been so convincing, even at a young age, that the problem became all me? It was mine to solve? How could a small child defend against that?</p><p> This is true, and recognition, when things are not right, to correct. Not to ignore. It was more of a convenience to say that, I think. Did Mom look at it as a training for me? I was <em>too sensitive,</em> so I needed to have that bullied out of my system? I don't know the answer guys. But I have to tell you, even writing this, I feel I am betraying everything I grew up learning. Did you feel like that?</p><p>I guess that is the idea of the "Emperor Who Wore No Clothes" That it takes courage to stand up in a crowd of people and say "HE is naked."</p><p>So why do I feel like the naked one?</p><p>Got to go for my walk.</p><p>Thank you for helping me.</p><p>I am sorry, if I shouldn't be here on FOO. I don't know, <em>maybe I just am to whacky and sensitive</em>, and I am blowing things out of proportion. I am sorry if I have offended anyone with my rambling........</p><p>(((HUGS)))</p><p>leafy</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="New Leaf, post: 676616, member: 19522"] Thank you Cedar, I will work on this. I think a big part of my challenge is that[I] everything was supposed to be perfect[/I]. Rosy all of the time. I am going against everything I was taught, to even look back and examine my past. It is like swimming against the current. I was supposed to be happy and content, no matter what, stiff upper lip, "If you think you have it bad, look at all of the suffering people who have it way worse." "Smile though the world is crying", that sort of thing.Though all of these maxims have merit and truth to them, how was I as a little girl supposed to defend myself? I have written that my situation was not as bad as you folks, and to a large extent, I think this is true. But, I think that what I am seeing, is that I was the one who was supposed to stop the torment, on my own. So why did my parents not stop what was going on? Why didn't they see what was happening to me? At least my Mom. She was around us more than Dad. Why didn't she stop my sister? Was I viewed as the problem? I remember telling my Mom, what was going on, and hearing over and over, "Just ignore it Leafy, don't be so sensitive, don't cry, don't let them get the best of you." That's it. I don't remember my sister getting into trouble. I do recall, giving up, and not saying anything anymore. No use. So I lived for a long time, just stuffing it all down, and being alone in my room. I think by the time I was five, I gave up. I knew it was no use. So I set myself to trying to please my parents. Smiling even though I didn't feel like it. The harder I tried to carry myself through things, the worse my situation became with my sister. The more I was supposed to ignore it. It was a losing battle. So, I guess, I can say my Mom was involved, well, I don't know. Conscientious objection? Does that make any sense? Could my sister have been so convincing, even at a young age, that the problem became all me? It was mine to solve? How could a small child defend against that? This is true, and recognition, when things are not right, to correct. Not to ignore. It was more of a convenience to say that, I think. Did Mom look at it as a training for me? I was [I]too sensitive,[/I] so I needed to have that bullied out of my system? I don't know the answer guys. But I have to tell you, even writing this, I feel I am betraying everything I grew up learning. Did you feel like that? I guess that is the idea of the "Emperor Who Wore No Clothes" That it takes courage to stand up in a crowd of people and say "HE is naked." So why do I feel like the naked one? Got to go for my walk. Thank you for helping me. I am sorry, if I shouldn't be here on FOO. I don't know, [I]maybe I just am to whacky and sensitive[/I], and I am blowing things out of proportion. I am sorry if I have offended anyone with my rambling........ (((HUGS))) leafy [/QUOTE]
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