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Family of Origin
The win and the loss
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<blockquote data-quote="Copabanana" data-source="post: 676633" data-attributes="member: 18958"><p>My grandmother died in 1976. You remember that story so I will spare you. I was with her. So there was money. But my mother controlled its distribution. Without an attorney or a trust. She told me I could buy furniture. Only that. Nothing more. Or less. I could not buy clothes, or pay a down payment on a house. Or travel. Furniture.</p><p>I am dealing with this now. Right now. Today. This minute. *And also the other part where one is always afraid. Wondering what peril will come, when and from where.</p><p></p><p>Until one realizes that the peril is imagined. It is the internal ground or screensaver that lives inside ones head. What normality is.</p><p></p><p>Yesterday I went to M's sister's house to pay her. I really do not want to keep paying somebody to come to be with me in my own house because I am paralyzed.</p><p></p><p>I am frozen into helplessness in my own house. And in panic because of it. M is mad and impatient. We want to invite people over and I suggested a restaurant and he replied, "I want them to see how we live. I want to extend hospitality. What is it? <em>Can you not do it or do you now want to? Which is it? </em></p><p><em></em></p><p>I did not answer because that minute I did not know. Because it is both. I do not want to do it because when I try I get so frightened and panicky--the feelings are so averse that I cannot bear them.</p><p></p><p>So I proposed to M's sister that we help each other. No go. Why would she want that? She wants the money. And M said, who wouldn't want to be paid for their time? </p><p></p><p>We left it that I would pick her up this morning at 9. And when I woke up I called her and said, I have a bad headache. I am going to do what I can, errands, I am sorry.</p><p></p><p>For a brief moment this morning I realized: Everything is OK. You are safe. Nobody can hurt you. If you just stop and make good choices (i.e stop buying, pay bills, work a little bit in the house) you are OK. Nothing bad will happen. It is OK. It is only normal life. It is not an emergency that there are boxes in your dining room. It is not a disaster that you do not know how to take pictures with a phone.</p><p></p><p>Somebody, eventually will show you. You can buy plastic boxes and fill them and stack them and the house will look more normal. If it does not look normal it will still look pretty. You are alright.</p><p></p><p>You all know how I was a housekeeper as a young child. But it was as you said, Cedar. At the will and whim of my mother. Without a master I am useless. And helpless and overwhelmed. I feel as if I have no sense of internal regulation or organization to do so inside myself and to effect my environment without a harsh taskmaster.</p><p></p><p>So my steady state Cedar, as it is now, is a sense of no control over myself and my environment, in a climate of extreme fear.</p><p></p><p>COPA</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Copabanana, post: 676633, member: 18958"] My grandmother died in 1976. You remember that story so I will spare you. I was with her. So there was money. But my mother controlled its distribution. Without an attorney or a trust. She told me I could buy furniture. Only that. Nothing more. Or less. I could not buy clothes, or pay a down payment on a house. Or travel. Furniture. I am dealing with this now. Right now. Today. This minute. *And also the other part where one is always afraid. Wondering what peril will come, when and from where. Until one realizes that the peril is imagined. It is the internal ground or screensaver that lives inside ones head. What normality is. Yesterday I went to M's sister's house to pay her. I really do not want to keep paying somebody to come to be with me in my own house because I am paralyzed. I am frozen into helplessness in my own house. And in panic because of it. M is mad and impatient. We want to invite people over and I suggested a restaurant and he replied, "I want them to see how we live. I want to extend hospitality. What is it? [I]Can you not do it or do you now want to? Which is it? [/I] I did not answer because that minute I did not know. Because it is both. I do not want to do it because when I try I get so frightened and panicky--the feelings are so averse that I cannot bear them. So I proposed to M's sister that we help each other. No go. Why would she want that? She wants the money. And M said, who wouldn't want to be paid for their time? We left it that I would pick her up this morning at 9. And when I woke up I called her and said, I have a bad headache. I am going to do what I can, errands, I am sorry. For a brief moment this morning I realized: Everything is OK. You are safe. Nobody can hurt you. If you just stop and make good choices (i.e stop buying, pay bills, work a little bit in the house) you are OK. Nothing bad will happen. It is OK. It is only normal life. It is not an emergency that there are boxes in your dining room. It is not a disaster that you do not know how to take pictures with a phone. Somebody, eventually will show you. You can buy plastic boxes and fill them and stack them and the house will look more normal. If it does not look normal it will still look pretty. You are alright. You all know how I was a housekeeper as a young child. But it was as you said, Cedar. At the will and whim of my mother. Without a master I am useless. And helpless and overwhelmed. I feel as if I have no sense of internal regulation or organization to do so inside myself and to effect my environment without a harsh taskmaster. So my steady state Cedar, as it is now, is a sense of no control over myself and my environment, in a climate of extreme fear. COPA [/QUOTE]
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