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Family of Origin
The win and the loss
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<blockquote data-quote="Scent of Cedar *" data-source="post: 676747" data-attributes="member: 17461"><p>I knew better than to come home, too. D H felt we should create family with my family. And I have been so damaged by them Copa, as an adult. Imagine if I had never heard: "Well, I guess you weren't such a good mother after all, were you?" Imagine if I had not heard: "I would never hire you."</p><p></p><p>Imagine all the ten thousand things that happened under the radar, but destroyed me in some way nonetheless.</p><p></p><p>You were right not to come home. You were right, when it seemed that somehow, your own family hated and was out to hurt and take you down. <em>That is how alliance is made in certain families, Copa.</em> It comes down maybe to which of the sibs has the moral character to resist the primary abuser's call to ally against (pretty much, whoever they say). That will be the sib publicly shunned. But as we have determined here on FOO Chronicles, there are myriad layers of shunning, and every child of a certain kind of parent will experience some level of shunning because that is the power dynamic in certain kinds of families.</p><p></p><p>I have been thinking about the kinds of accusations I make against my mother and my sister. What crummy things those words are to say privately, let lone to post publicly, here. But I still think them. So, I have been thinking about that, and about whether I mean what I post, and who that makes me. I concluded that: In my life, I believed my mother would become so angry that, in a flash, she would have done something, said something, she probably deeply regretted.</p><p></p><p>But if that were true, how then did it happen that these episodes of uncontrollable temper only happened when her children were utterly without protection. How did it happen that we knew better than to tell even our father.</p><p></p><p>I am working through this still Copa, but the answer matters very much. It will free me from a lifelong collusion in my own abuse. Your description of it in your post was beautifully spoken and exactly correct. Those are the questions we are both coming through now, maybe. And on the other side of that thinnest of membranes Copa, is a freedom from fear, from the certainty of hurt, unlike anything we have tasted.</p><p></p><p>I love it that you questioned your interpretation of M's expression.</p><p></p><p>That is moral fiber. That is ethical choice.</p><p></p><p>In a way, we have taken so long, but in another way, we have come so far in so blazingly short a time.</p><p></p><p>Anyway, I am working today, too. I have been posting while my nail polish drys.</p><p></p><p>Later, dudes.</p><p></p><p>:O)</p><p></p><p>Cedar</p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="Scent of Cedar *, post: 676747, member: 17461"] I knew better than to come home, too. D H felt we should create family with my family. And I have been so damaged by them Copa, as an adult. Imagine if I had never heard: "Well, I guess you weren't such a good mother after all, were you?" Imagine if I had not heard: "I would never hire you." Imagine all the ten thousand things that happened under the radar, but destroyed me in some way nonetheless. You were right not to come home. You were right, when it seemed that somehow, your own family hated and was out to hurt and take you down. [I]That is how alliance is made in certain families, Copa.[/I] It comes down maybe to which of the sibs has the moral character to resist the primary abuser's call to ally against (pretty much, whoever they say). That will be the sib publicly shunned. But as we have determined here on FOO Chronicles, there are myriad layers of shunning, and every child of a certain kind of parent will experience some level of shunning because that is the power dynamic in certain kinds of families. I have been thinking about the kinds of accusations I make against my mother and my sister. What crummy things those words are to say privately, let lone to post publicly, here. But I still think them. So, I have been thinking about that, and about whether I mean what I post, and who that makes me. I concluded that: In my life, I believed my mother would become so angry that, in a flash, she would have done something, said something, she probably deeply regretted. But if that were true, how then did it happen that these episodes of uncontrollable temper only happened when her children were utterly without protection. How did it happen that we knew better than to tell even our father. I am working through this still Copa, but the answer matters very much. It will free me from a lifelong collusion in my own abuse. Your description of it in your post was beautifully spoken and exactly correct. Those are the questions we are both coming through now, maybe. And on the other side of that thinnest of membranes Copa, is a freedom from fear, from the certainty of hurt, unlike anything we have tasted. I love it that you questioned your interpretation of M's expression. That is moral fiber. That is ethical choice. In a way, we have taken so long, but in another way, we have come so far in so blazingly short a time. Anyway, I am working today, too. I have been posting while my nail polish drys. Later, dudes. :O) Cedar [/QUOTE]
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