The yet to be known route in the sea which is my life.

[Copabanana]

Smithmom. Thank you. That helps.

Where he is living even to rent a room would be $700 which he could afford if he worked. As far as I know he makes $100 a day cash money. So working 2 days a week does it for him. But I am thinking he wants to come back here. And if he does I do not know what to do. The reparations comment implies that he wants to come back.

I think he is better off where he is if indeed he is thinking of getting a place. But I am not convinced this is what he wants.

If he really used our other house to make himself secure, to begin to improve his life and to take care of his health, including mental health, that would be one thing. But to move in and start pushing boundaries, laying around etc. I do not want anymore.

He has always resisted paying rent. I don't see him wanting to shell out $700. He had a place a few years ago which was $500 including utilities and he didn't want to do it anymore. But maybe he has learned something.

I am encouraged about the Dec. 19th date. Because it is a Wed. That is the day that his liver doctor sees patients. So it must mean that he is scheduled to see her. That really does make my heart sing.

I wonder what changed his mindset? (If indeed It did change.)

 

[Smithmom]

He's living on the sts. 6 guys in 2 bedrooms with 1 bath could be heaven. He could have found someone willing to let him sleep in an unfinished basement.

But housing there is based on having a job that he doesnt know you know about. That could be good news he's excited to share, that he's working. Moving back means no job. No housing. Sharing news with you could be job and off the sts. Something that from his perspective would make you ecstatic! So he's saving the surprise.

 

[Smithmom]

Any step in the right direction is cause for celebration. Top of your list is medical. Top of his is housing. If he did it himself just celebrate. Let medical take a back seat right now.

 

[Smithmom]

Dont forget the concept of milieu. Working milieu is huge!!! If he stays there it could be a different lifestyle. Not one without weed. But with a place to sleep safely. A schedule. Routine is huge change for him.

 

[Smithmom]

Know this is hard but I know what happened to my kid when he got a girlfriend. Suddenly own place to live. Sometime job. Home every night. Huge lifestyle change. Hanging around family a good thing. Took some time to sink in that this was a better life. But ultimately he didnt want to go back. And I dont think ever will. Addiction may continue as it did with girlfriend. But living on sts I dont think again.

What I'm saying is that letting him set up job and housing of his own of any kind is his road to real life. Wont be road you choose or like. Mine used through all that. But it was growth. So your goal of medical may have to wait and may come on its own once hes ready. And job and housing is his first step.

Let me be clear how unacceptable it was. But I detached and said nothing. He was heavily using heroin as was co-dependent girlfriend. He od'd several times. He drove around while high constantly having accidents. He was selling heroin. It was a train wreck that I was watching. There was nothing I could do. I wouldn't call him because it would make me cry. If he called or showed up at my house it was a short conversation. Never wanted or asked for anything cause knew he wouldnt get anything but a meal. Did I see anything good? No. Hated co-dependent bimbo (and I'm working on changing that opinion since she's got 2 years clean now but I think still somewhat co-dependent on my kid in prison for 10 yrs!). It was horrible but it was his choice that I could not control. And it taught him that being homeless and alone was not what he wanted.

 

[Smithmom]

Sorry I missed this... about his wording...

Suicide is not a goal. To someone who is suicidal it is an inevitable not a goal. (This is about the suicidal mindset). There are no goals to a suicidal person. There may be a desire to comfort those left behind. But that's secondary to the inevitable. A suicidal person would never use the word goal in relation to suicide. They regard suicide as a thing that will happen, not as something they want to do or must do. There may be exceptions in other cultures such as those who must commit suicide due to disgrace. But not in our culture.

 

[BusynMember]

I dont think it sounds like a suicide threat. I dont think he is suicidal.

At the same time, i dont think he can solve all his problems in two weeks. Seems like he sends a lot of non specific texts that are not consistent. You hang on every word but he may just text the first thing that pops into his head.

Usually he does not to me sound that unhappy.

 

[Copabanana]

I am in bad shape. We go to bed early. About 1030 the phone awoke me from a deep sleep. It was J. There were two calls. Both interrupted. The weather is horrible here and he was out in the elements. He said he could barely talk, was hysterical and yelling, and the phone was not functioning. I could hear the gales of wind. Here where I live two hours south there was hail.

When the second call was interrupted I made the decision to turn off the phone and try to go back to sleep. My thinking was: any solution to this situation was not in my hands. He would have to solve it.

I was afraid he would get sick, but that made me mad. He has driven every part of this narrative (which he has imposed upon me.) The only thing I did was to step out of it to the extent that I could.

I texted him just now to tell him I hoped he was safe and secure and asked him to let me know.

I will not rescue him from this. Because it is so avoidable, and was so avoidable. He had a safe and warm place to live for minimal money and he chose to foul his nest. He has had four months to decide to reverse course. He has known bad weather was coming. He is not stupid.

If I have to turn off my phone in order to get through this, I will.

It makes me mad. Because he chose to call me to wake me up so that I would share his discomfort. How many other grown sons would be so uncaring and impervious to the feelings of a mother, that they would expose her to this distress?

 

[New Leaf]

Because he chose to call me to wake me up so that I would share his discomfort. How many other grown sons would be so uncaring and impervious to the feelings of a mother, that they would expose her to this distress?

He is trying to put it on you. You are smarter than that. His choices, his consequences. He will have to figure this out. You are smart to turn off your phone and stay away from the rabbit hole he wants you to fall into......again. You have done everything in your power to try to help him, with minimum expectations. Stay strong. He will figure it out.
My two have done similar with me, wanting me to fall into a pit of despair over them. Calling or coming by at odd hours. Going no contact.
Most of us would do anything to ease anxiety and worry for those we love. This is different on so many levels.
“I suffer, so shall you”. Psychological warfare. Manipulation. Guard your heart, keep the faith and don’t fall into the trap. You’ve got this Copa.
(((Hugs)))
Leafy

 

[BusynMember]

I am proud of you Copa. It must have been hard but you put your sleep first.

These are young people. They survive Chicago winters, thunderstorms, windstorms hail. And they know where to go to get dry. Some dont like shelter rules. But they probably all know where the 24 hr. Walmarts and gas stations and laundromats are. They see where the homeless are starting warm fires. They are usually welcoming communities and would invite him to sit with them. Plus he has a truck? He could have stayed in it.

Because you ramped up your texting, maybe he thinks he is close to being invited home with no strings. They call late to scare us and tear down our resistance. Night calls are scarier than day calls.

Bart woke me at 1am once to help him calm a panic attack. Now I sleep my phone off from bed time to 7am. That night I was terrified awake and ended up telling him to drove to ER. What was I supposed to do?

Copa you are growing strong!

 

[Copabanana]

. Plus he has a truck?

No. He was sleeping in the friend's truck. He could have had a truck. We bought one. All he had to do was get his driver's license back, and pay a nominal amount.

 

[BusynMember]

Sonic doesnt want to drive either.

 

[Smithmom]

Great! Turn off that phone! Like I said over time he'll get it and won't even call. Mine doesn't. Old enough, smart enough, street wise enough to solve his own problems! Of course, being J and not getting it yet he's going to punish you by refusing to respond to you for awhile. Childish nonsense. Don't let it get to you!

 

[Copabanana]

being J and not getting it yet he's going to punish you by refusing to respond to you for awhile.

Smithmom. That is exactly what he is doing. Not responding to my texts. I am unclear what crime I committed in order to be punished, but in his pea brain such is the case.

 

[toughlovin]

Oh my son would do exactly the same thing.... does the same thing. There is a way in which our sons put the responsibility for their lives onto us and we (or maybe I should say I) accept it to some extent. I dont think I do this completely but I do do it to some extent.... so I need to figure out how to step away from doing that. I guess this is a further step in detachment.

 

[BusynMember]

Copa....could it be he doesnt know what to say? That he just doesnt want to hear what you will say? That he knows you will push him?

I think that the grown kids who bring us here are really good at finding ways to block out what they dont want to hear. That is partly what drugs are about....escape.

You did nothing wrong. Nothing. He is just not maybe wanting to talk about your expectations. Please dont think about what you did wrong because you didnt. He will call you back. He loves you.

Heres a possible idea. Can you ask him home for possibly a Christmas dinner? Or meet him somewhere? Will he do it?

 

[CareTooMuch]

I wish I had something to say that could help you breathe, but we are in a place of making ours leave because it's his way or the... his way. That's getting really old. It's amazing that his addiction to marijuana and video games are causing his life to implode. Except he doesn't see it as or accept it while he has a nice house and computer to stay comfortable. He does work but he blows his money as quickly as he makes it. And he doesn't see his legal problems as a actually real because we spent the money last time. This time it's on him so maybe he will open his eyes. Doubtful. Copa, I'm sorry you're going through what you are. But either way we give no boundaries to have them on our lives or don't. Sad ..

 

[Copabanana]

You did nothing wrong.

Thank you SWOT. I know I didn't. I am more worried than anything else. It was horrible how frantic he was and how the phone sounded, with the wind and rain. I was traumatized hearing it. To be in that, with nowhere to go...haunts me. I can't imagine how he is choosing this.

Can you ask him home for possibly a Christmas dinner? Or meet him somewhere? Will he do it?

I don't want him home. I am clear on that. Part is that I cannot control M. Part is my son is scuzzy and indifferent about boundaries and how he affects others. I find his presence lately discomfiting. Ever since he began to smoke cigarettes, and the hoody. For almost a year he has been bottom fishing. I find it unbearable.

Meeting him somewhere I would like. But remember. A few weeks ago I tried, and he bailed. I could see myself getting a hotel and staying overnight near him and meeting him a couple of times, maybe going to a movie and out to dinner. He loves movies. But I have no control whether or not he will do this, or if he will bail at the last minute and leave me holding the bag.

 

[BusynMember]

You can try with the hotel. If he doesnt show up maybe M can come and you can still have fun

 

[toughlovin]

I wouldnt try and meet him on Christmas day because that would be a way to totalllybriin the whole day if he blows you off. I would make plans the day after....ugh the holidays are hard with these kids of ours!