The yet to be known route in the sea which is my life.

[Smithmom]

You hung up in him so he's hanging up on you. That simple. That childish. He knows how to push your buttons so no communication is his retaliation.

I hear you about a holiday. But it is just one day. Personally I think J needs to be alone for the day to think about what the day and family means to him. Does it mean that someone is always there to pick him up? Does it mean that you can't stay away? Or is it just another day he needs to be an adult?

You sent a clear message last night, you're an adult, you made choices, now live with them. Stay true to that message.

 

[Copabanana]

Or is it just another day he needs to be an adult?

Thank you Smithmom. I agree with you. That is exactly the message I sent: Deal with it and don't put it on me. I can't and won't get you out of your choices. And implicitly: You can choose differently if you want. But I can't for you. Which is the whole enchilada.

 

[Smithmom]

Don't let the emotion of the holiday change your message. Tempting to let our emotions rule. But that sends mixed signals to him.

 

[Lil]

Jabber and I took the landline phone out of our bedroom when he worked nights. We stopped keeping a cell phone in our bedroom when our son left home. We decided that a real emergency...well...we can't help. In a real emergency you call the cops or an ambulance, not your parents. If he just needed to cry on someone's shoulder or needed a ride or whatever? Jabber has a saying, "Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." Finally, if something horrible (God forbid) were to happen? Well, again, we can't help and cops don't call you if there is a death, they come to your door.

 

[Littleboylost]

Hi Copa
It is good to catch up. I have one question. How are you? What are you doing for you?
I had a wise woman once tell me that her sons addiction was a drug and her addiction was her addicted some.

Please do not lose sight of you in all of this.

Your son will do what he does. They manipulate and avoid true help in a cagey and street smart almost eloquent manner. We get the effects of gaslighting and get dragged into their drauma.

Their life their choices. Your boundaries and expectations are very reasonable. You are not to blame for his life.

We give them life we support them and transition the love and knowledge we can, thecreast is upnto tgem.

The movie the glass castle always comes to mind a a clear lesson that we have far less influence as parents than we think they do.

Our addicts are expert at pulling s thread and unraveling our sensibilities, making us feel like the most trivial of actions towards them have created a tsunami of ill effect on their life. My son earl headed now will say, absolutely none of his accusations and claims he put on us were remotely true. He simply says, “That’s what drug addicts do, we lie and manipulate our way through anything and everything including ourselves for drugs.”

None of this ever gets easier. Keep your healthy boundaries in place and take care of yourself. Your son knows how and where to get help. You have taught him well.

 

[Copabanana]

How are you? What are you doing for you?

Hi LBL. I always love it when you come back to visit.

I am fine. I am doing a lot for myself, but mostly geared towards health and spiritual well-being. I am doing now Pilates, Rolfing, Somatic Experiencing Therapy. I found a local therapist. And just finishing up my Hebrew and Prayer classes. I will try very hard the next 6 weeks to get a jump ahead with the properties. Those really weigh on me.

I am feeling closer to returning to work. Which is a major deal. I am feeling like I am leaving this long valley where I have been stuck. Thank you for asking LBL. This site has given me so much. I am grateful for all of you.

 

[Triedntrue]

Copa you have given me such wonderful advice. I am not as eloquent as you but you know what you need to do and you know how hard it is. . we all know how manipulative our kids are and how difficult they are. Yet we love them anyway. Deep down they love us .But they use our love to manipulate us. We have to stop allowing them to do this to us. I sometimes think the biggest and hardest thing we need to learn is how to wait. Wait for them to realize they need to do it themselves then wait for them to do it. Waiting takes away their power to manipulate us because we don't jump in to fix it like we want to. When they were babies we waited and waited until they decided that they wanted to walk we waited until they learn to talk now we have to wait until they learn to do things on their own without our help. You can cheer them on let them know we are proud when they do it but we can't do it for them.

 

[Elsi]

I am feeling closer to returning to work. Which is a major deal. I am feeling like I am leaving this long valley where I have been stuck.

Copa, that sounds wonderful! I can't wait to hear about the next stage of your journey!

I find my work really helps me. I think I would be truly lost without something else that forced me to get my mind on other things.

 

[BusynMember]

Copa I am doing the Conduct Disorders cheer for you....oops, just fell down on my fleshy part. I AM a klutz!

Seriously I am so happy about your progress! Kudos!!!!

 

[Tired out]

Copa, I am glad you are doing well with all that has gone on.
I hope J wises up now that he is starting to see you are not going to jump through his hoop.
I see quite a bit happened last week. No clue why I didn't see the posts until now. Any updates?

 

[Lil]

. I am feeling like I am leaving this long valley where I have been stuck.