Word of warning--
parents have been charged with "cruelty" for forcing their kids to wear clothes that indicate that their child is a thief. If you choose to try this, just be careful how you go about it....
Theft & difficult child's
- Thread starter erbaledge
- Start date
Word of warning--
parents have been charged with "cruelty" for forcing their kids to wear clothes that indicate that their child is a thief. If you choose to try this, just be careful how you go about it....
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
Susie, unfortunately if she is anything like Onyxx she will RUIN the stuff she doesn't like, then CPS will be all over the place because the kid is naked.
So... Be careful with that idea.
DammitJanet
Well-Known Member
On a similar or halfways side note to the clothes. When I got to the point that I simply wasnt going to buy Cory any more clothes because he didnt deserve them if he wasnt going to do to get, I only bought things from goodwill in order to cover his body. Now I didnt mark them up but I certainly didnt go to the name brand stores anymore. He learned to be ok with them.
AnnieO
Shooting from the Hip
Janet... can you take Onyxx shopping for me please???
I have taken her to goodwill. She rarely finds anything she wants, and when she does, it is wildly inappropriate for a teenager.
A few years back I bought her a pair of plain jeans. She never wore them. I don't know where she gets half her clothes, but I am pretty sure it's not exactly legal. But I cannot watch her 24/7. Which of course brings us off the tangent and right back to the subject!
Sigh.
I have taken her to goodwill. She rarely finds anything she wants, and when she does, it is wildly inappropriate for a teenager.
A few years back I bought her a pair of plain jeans. She never wore them. I don't know where she gets half her clothes, but I am pretty sure it's not exactly legal. But I cannot watch her 24/7. Which of course brings us off the tangent and right back to the subject!
Sigh.
This is exactly why I have a "Can't verify the source--throw it out" policy...
Anything that magically appears in my house is subject to seizure and disposal...I don't care WHAT it is. So if you bring something home that I did not see you buy, win, or receive as a gift--you'd better be able to provide a verifiable source for the item or OUT. IT. GOES!
GoingNorth
Crazy Cat Lady
It's funny, I swiped a comic book from a store when I was about six or so. My -parents made me take it back to the store and I was so mortified I never did it again.
I had a real problem with accidentally stealing office supplies over the years. Pens and paper clips and rubber bands used to find their way home in my pockets. I dealt with it by periodically sneaking bags of supplies INTO cabinets.
Recently, I stopped at the only local gas station that sells my diet, caffeine free coke and stuck two in my purse to carry them to the register. Problem was, I forgot to take them out when I paid for the rest of the bottles. I got home, realized I hadn't paid for two bottles of soda and went right back to the gas station to pay for them.
I was embarrassed, but they were cool about it.
I had a real problem with accidentally stealing office supplies over the years. Pens and paper clips and rubber bands used to find their way home in my pockets. I dealt with it by periodically sneaking bags of supplies INTO cabinets.
Recently, I stopped at the only local gas station that sells my diet, caffeine free coke and stuck two in my purse to carry them to the register. Problem was, I forgot to take them out when I paid for the rest of the bottles. I got home, realized I hadn't paid for two bottles of soda and went right back to the gas station to pay for them.
I was embarrassed, but they were cool about it.
This is GREAT advice! Thank you! While it won't help out right now, it will when she comes home.
Just wanted to let you know, I am going armed with a portion of that article printed, the portion that I feel is relevant and straight to the point. And I'm going to ask them to please take my gfg15 off of the SSRI AS SOON AS POSSIBLE and lets see if the thefts decrease.
I plan on doing this today. We'll see how well it flies. Lots of things will be hitting the fan today. I may even mosey into gfg15's room, sit with her, then just casually start going through her things, as they still have not gotten back to me whether or not I'm 'able' to sort thru her stuff.
No, I want to go through her belongings at PMIC in her room there. I've already done our house.
During our session yesterday, gfg15 said she thinks she is stealing due to low self esteem, how other kids' pick on her by calling her 'fat' - though I gotta say she is not.
So after some quick thinking, I came up with this goal for her to earn:
She must complete all of her community service so that she can earn back her home visits. And if she does that and does NOT steal a single thing from yesterday until she comes home for her next visit - then her and I will go purchase some hair dye (her choice of color, as of now she's stating blonde) and I will color her hair. I am hoping this is incentive enough to get the community service done, to not steal, and I hope the hair color may help increase her self esteem some.
We also discussed how she can do exercises to better tone her body, and I stressed to her to not focus on a weight scales numbers but rather how her body is toned.
I did bring up the SSRI info and completely requested that at her next psychiatric appointment that she be weaned off of the SSRI so that we can see if that is or is not increasing her 'want/need' to steal. I did stress that they doctor will need to find a different anti-depressant for her to replace it. They will let me know when this psychiatric appointment is and I will do most everything I can to be at the appointment; however if I can't our counselor said she will bring up my issue with the SSRI and do the talking for me, along with showing the printouts I brought.
In today's mail I got the newest quarterly report. None of it surprised me per say, but some bothered me.
First thing was this statement:
Prognosis: Fair: gfg15 is suffering from multiple psychiatric disorders that make it hard for her to be out in the community
Second thing was:
gfg15 is at 9 months of PMIC Treatment. It is estimated that she will need PMIC for an additional 3 months.
All of that is really info I already know, but it just sucks and breaks my heart reading it in writing, if you know what I mean. I'm nervous about what the next 3 months will entail with her behaviors, because just reading her entire report (and from first hand knowledge) it is obvious that unless she starts improving she will not do well back in our home setting. That is saddening, because I want her here, but I want her better. I'm scared that the next report will also include ANOTHER additional 3 months, and then what?
So after some quick thinking, I came up with this goal for her to earn:
She must complete all of her community service so that she can earn back her home visits. And if she does that and does NOT steal a single thing from yesterday until she comes home for her next visit - then her and I will go purchase some hair dye (her choice of color, as of now she's stating blonde) and I will color her hair. I am hoping this is incentive enough to get the community service done, to not steal, and I hope the hair color may help increase her self esteem some.
We also discussed how she can do exercises to better tone her body, and I stressed to her to not focus on a weight scales numbers but rather how her body is toned.
I did bring up the SSRI info and completely requested that at her next psychiatric appointment that she be weaned off of the SSRI so that we can see if that is or is not increasing her 'want/need' to steal. I did stress that they doctor will need to find a different anti-depressant for her to replace it. They will let me know when this psychiatric appointment is and I will do most everything I can to be at the appointment; however if I can't our counselor said she will bring up my issue with the SSRI and do the talking for me, along with showing the printouts I brought.
In today's mail I got the newest quarterly report. None of it surprised me per say, but some bothered me.
First thing was this statement:
Prognosis: Fair: gfg15 is suffering from multiple psychiatric disorders that make it hard for her to be out in the community
Second thing was:
gfg15 is at 9 months of PMIC Treatment. It is estimated that she will need PMIC for an additional 3 months.
All of that is really info I already know, but it just sucks and breaks my heart reading it in writing, if you know what I mean. I'm nervous about what the next 3 months will entail with her behaviors, because just reading her entire report (and from first hand knowledge) it is obvious that unless she starts improving she will not do well back in our home setting. That is saddening, because I want her here, but I want her better. I'm scared that the next report will also include ANOTHER additional 3 months, and then what?
The therapist did make a huge point - she thinks that gfg15 does not understand or value any item/object she receives or has. She thinks that may be why gfg15 does not show any remorse for her 'victims'. So we are going to try to make most things she would receive something that she has to actually earn, in hopes of getting her to value items she receives.
Any suggestions on that?
It is very hard to start doing that while she can not come home for visits, but that is why I'm starting with the hair dye idea. The therapist was trying to go for: if gfg15 wants a new shirt, then she must do chores to earn it. But like I said, that is hard to do if you are not here at home to do the chores.
Any suggestions on that?
It is very hard to start doing that while she can not come home for visits, but that is why I'm starting with the hair dye idea. The therapist was trying to go for: if gfg15 wants a new shirt, then she must do chores to earn it. But like I said, that is hard to do if you are not here at home to do the chores.
Talked with gfg15 and the resident supervisor yesterday, in person, about all the stealing/manipulating and some fits that she's been having there. (one fit was over 2 hours long, just over not making her bed) I reitterated the deal with the hair dye. (no stealing at all, get community service all done (20 hrs), and when she can come on next home visit we'd do her hair)
Well, gfg15 will not be earning hair dye.
She stole yet again YESTERDAY! Not long after our talk. This time it was a shirt that was donated to the unit in a pile of donations on the unit, and she was caught wearing it today. They had her call me and tell me what she did to take ownership. However, at first she wouldn't, I could hear them in the background reminding her what she did, but she had a hard time doing it (telling me her actions). And then, when she did tell me, there was excuses/lies and more manipulation as to why it occurred.
Well, this mom was ANGRY. I started talking in a loud and angry tone, gfg15 said I was yelling (personally I don't think I was truly yelling, but after re-hashing it this evening I can see how it was taken as yelling). And after the call, I had called back to talk with staff about what I can do - they say I need to listen to her more. Because when she started in using her lies/excuses I DID cut her off, and told her to stop it, that I wanted the truth. But staff there are saying I should just completely hear her out, not yell, and tell her then the truths I know and believe and then dole out consequences (if it were my opportunity to do).
So I guess, I did learn I need to try to listen more, even though I know she may be lying to me, I need to hear her out, so she can say her peace - I guess. I don't know, it doesn't make complete sense to me. Why do I want to allow her to keep feeding me lies/excuses when I know the real truth and reality of what occured/how/why. I feel me listening to her is not a good thing, because then maybe she'll start thinking 'hmmmm, mom does believe, the lies are working'. But staff said that won't happen, because once I've heard all that she wants to say, then I address the reality.
I don't know. It's something I said I'd work on, if it will help my daughter.
Does anyone else do that? Like, listen completely to their whole lies, without interrupting them? How has that went for you and your difficult child?
(yes, I'm still waiting to talk with psychiatrist about Lexapro)
Edited to add: they did tack on another 20 hours of community service for this t-shirt she stole. So now she owe's a total of 40 hours. She definitely won't be able to come home until at least the first 20 hours are done, when those are done, I'm under the understanding that home visits will then be discussed.
Well, gfg15 will not be earning hair dye.
She stole yet again YESTERDAY! Not long after our talk. This time it was a shirt that was donated to the unit in a pile of donations on the unit, and she was caught wearing it today. They had her call me and tell me what she did to take ownership. However, at first she wouldn't, I could hear them in the background reminding her what she did, but she had a hard time doing it (telling me her actions). And then, when she did tell me, there was excuses/lies and more manipulation as to why it occurred. Well, this mom was ANGRY. I started talking in a loud and angry tone, gfg15 said I was yelling (personally I don't think I was truly yelling, but after re-hashing it this evening I can see how it was taken as yelling). And after the call, I had called back to talk with staff about what I can do - they say I need to listen to her more. Because when she started in using her lies/excuses I DID cut her off, and told her to stop it, that I wanted the truth. But staff there are saying I should just completely hear her out, not yell, and tell her then the truths I know and believe and then dole out consequences (if it were my opportunity to do).
So I guess, I did learn I need to try to listen more, even though I know she may be lying to me, I need to hear her out, so she can say her peace - I guess. I don't know, it doesn't make complete sense to me. Why do I want to allow her to keep feeding me lies/excuses when I know the real truth and reality of what occured/how/why. I feel me listening to her is not a good thing, because then maybe she'll start thinking 'hmmmm, mom does believe, the lies are working'. But staff said that won't happen, because once I've heard all that she wants to say, then I address the reality.
I don't know. It's something I said I'd work on, if it will help my daughter.
Does anyone else do that? Like, listen completely to their whole lies, without interrupting them? How has that went for you and your difficult child?
(yes, I'm still waiting to talk with psychiatrist about Lexapro)
Edited to add: they did tack on another 20 hours of community service for this t-shirt she stole. So now she owe's a total of 40 hours. She definitely won't be able to come home until at least the first 20 hours are done, when those are done, I'm under the understanding that home visits will then be discussed.
Marguerite
Active Member
Yes, I agree with the staff. You need to listen, for so very many reasons.
First - she needs to feel that she has been heard (yes, even if she is lying). She needs to know she is heard in everything. Also, your patience and silence will have her talking more, and frankly the more she talks, especially impulsively, the more likely she is to stumble over her lies.
Second - other people need to know you are handling her with quietness, calm and reason. Be quite and hear her out. Completely. Take notes. Then when she runs out of things to say, make sure she has finished. "Are you finished? Is it my turn now?" Then speak. Calmly go over her story and point out the inconsistencies. Don't say, "You're lying," but instead say, "I think you might be mistaken."
Third - SHE has to learn to own this. She needs apologies to her to be unconditional. This is the only way she will learn to give unconditional apologies. Make it clear that this is the new policy - all apologies, whether from you or form her, must be unconditional otherwise they have no value. Apologies also have to be freely offered and not prompted, or they have no value.
Fourth - she should never be forced to apologise or make restitution, without agreeing freely to do so. If she is forced, then she learns nothing. She will be resentful and it can actually make her worse, not better.
Set the example for her. Also by listening, even if she is lying, you are showing her that she is worth listening too. With her bad self-esteem, she needs this. She needs a starting point so she can begin to crawl back from the hole she has dug for herself. Sometimes it's hard to know where to start, and not starting is easier than making that first effort.
Set goals for her - the hair dye is a good idea, but I think it's too big and asking too much for too long. Set smaller goals with smaller rewards. Each achieved stays achieved even if she backslides. She needs to be able to look back and realise she IS capable of success, even at a minor level.
Definitely listen in full. Even if she initially thinks, "Hey, I'm getting away with this!" she will realise, as soon as you start talking (and as I said, take notes so you can be accurate in what you refer to) that she is not getting away with a thing. And frankly, if she is lying so badly, then the more she is allowed to shoot her mouth off, the more lies you will be able to call her on. it will be a real shock.
And hey - what you're doing now isn't working, so it's worth trying something else.
Insanity is doing the same thing, but expecting different results.
Marg
First - she needs to feel that she has been heard (yes, even if she is lying). She needs to know she is heard in everything. Also, your patience and silence will have her talking more, and frankly the more she talks, especially impulsively, the more likely she is to stumble over her lies.
Second - other people need to know you are handling her with quietness, calm and reason. Be quite and hear her out. Completely. Take notes. Then when she runs out of things to say, make sure she has finished. "Are you finished? Is it my turn now?" Then speak. Calmly go over her story and point out the inconsistencies. Don't say, "You're lying," but instead say, "I think you might be mistaken."
Third - SHE has to learn to own this. She needs apologies to her to be unconditional. This is the only way she will learn to give unconditional apologies. Make it clear that this is the new policy - all apologies, whether from you or form her, must be unconditional otherwise they have no value. Apologies also have to be freely offered and not prompted, or they have no value.
Fourth - she should never be forced to apologise or make restitution, without agreeing freely to do so. If she is forced, then she learns nothing. She will be resentful and it can actually make her worse, not better.
Set the example for her. Also by listening, even if she is lying, you are showing her that she is worth listening too. With her bad self-esteem, she needs this. She needs a starting point so she can begin to crawl back from the hole she has dug for herself. Sometimes it's hard to know where to start, and not starting is easier than making that first effort.
Set goals for her - the hair dye is a good idea, but I think it's too big and asking too much for too long. Set smaller goals with smaller rewards. Each achieved stays achieved even if she backslides. She needs to be able to look back and realise she IS capable of success, even at a minor level.
Definitely listen in full. Even if she initially thinks, "Hey, I'm getting away with this!" she will realise, as soon as you start talking (and as I said, take notes so you can be accurate in what you refer to) that she is not getting away with a thing. And frankly, if she is lying so badly, then the more she is allowed to shoot her mouth off, the more lies you will be able to call her on. it will be a real shock.
And hey - what you're doing now isn't working, so it's worth trying something else.
Insanity is doing the same thing, but expecting different results.
Marg
Thanks Marg! You really did help clear up this 'mom listening to her fully' thing. I've been contemplating calling her today and asking her if we could please re-do yesterday's conversation, and tell her I will listen. But I don't know if it would be worth hashing it all out again.
I absolutely LOVE the idea of taking notes. Because, I think it WILL help me remember the things I want to point out that are inconsistent or outright lies after she's done telling me her feelings/opinions/whatnot. Thank you for that idea.
Now, you said this:
"She needs apologies to her to be unconditional. This is the only way she will learn to give unconditional apologies. Make it clear that this is the new policy - all apologies, whether from you or form her, must be unconditional otherwise they have no value. Apologies also have to be freely offered and not prompted, or they have no value.
Fourth - she should never be forced to apologise or make restitution, without agreeing freely to do so. If she is forced, then she learns nothing. She will be resentful and it can actually make her worse, not better."
How do I go about that with a gfg15 that will not apologize on her own? (know that I really do pose that as a real question, lol, because I have no clue) She also will not have remorse for any of her actions, never has. She also lacks any cause/effect relationships.
And clarifying 'unconditional' apologizes - do you mean like, when staff tell her she must call me and apologize or can't do XXX?
Regarding the restitution, yeah, we (staff & I) have never been able to 'make' her do anything. However, it was assigned as a consequence and she has to choose to get it completed on her own (with-staff assistance), but is actually not doing well at getting it done. It will be a LONG time before she gets to come home on a home visit.
I absolutely LOVE the idea of taking notes. Because, I think it WILL help me remember the things I want to point out that are inconsistent or outright lies after she's done telling me her feelings/opinions/whatnot. Thank you for that idea.
Now, you said this:
"She needs apologies to her to be unconditional. This is the only way she will learn to give unconditional apologies. Make it clear that this is the new policy - all apologies, whether from you or form her, must be unconditional otherwise they have no value. Apologies also have to be freely offered and not prompted, or they have no value.
Fourth - she should never be forced to apologise or make restitution, without agreeing freely to do so. If she is forced, then she learns nothing. She will be resentful and it can actually make her worse, not better."
How do I go about that with a gfg15 that will not apologize on her own? (know that I really do pose that as a real question, lol, because I have no clue) She also will not have remorse for any of her actions, never has. She also lacks any cause/effect relationships.
And clarifying 'unconditional' apologizes - do you mean like, when staff tell her she must call me and apologize or can't do XXX?
Regarding the restitution, yeah, we (staff & I) have never been able to 'make' her do anything. However, it was assigned as a consequence and she has to choose to get it completed on her own (with-staff assistance), but is actually not doing well at getting it done. It will be a LONG time before she gets to come home on a home visit.
Marguerite
Active Member
About unconditional apologies -
You first set the example yourself. You also may need to calmly draw attention to the fact that you are apologising unconditionally (perhaps for not listening fully - whatever opportunity comes up). Then if you get any sort of apology at a later stage (preferably for something really, really small such as interrupting, or stepping on your toes accidentally, or similar) you draw her attention (again, calmly - Explosive Child methods here, you back off if it begins to cause serious raging) to the way she apologised. maybe point out to her that this is because everybody has got into bad habits and it's time to re-set the standards for all. Ask her to remind you if you apologise conditionally.
This isn't easy, because as parents we try to save face, constantly. We get into this habit when our children are a lot younger and understand a great deal less - "I'm sorry if I scared you when I grabbed you just as that truck went past, but I could see you were about to dash out onto the road after your ball, and I was scared for you."
Believe it or not, that is a conditional apology - "I'm sorry for what I did, but I had a good reason."
When you apologise but make it conditional, it stops being an apology. It has become an explanation; a justification. And if we have promised an apology, if an apology is called for, a justification only makes the other person angrier and feel even more put-upon.
If staff tell difficult child she has to call you and apologise or she won't get X - it's not a real apology. But if she absolutely won't apologise under any other conditions, maybe this is what the staff feel they have to do, in order to teach her how to apologise. And under those conditions, it is far more likely that she will try to turn her apology into as much o a justification as she can get away with.
Take note of yourself and your other kids, how you apologise to one another, even for simple things as getting in one another's way when trying to get to the fridge. This is a really important lesson to try to teach ALL your kids - learn how to apologise unconditionally.
Sometimes you really desperately want to explain yourself at the same time as apologising - you feel that if you don't, your apology will be misconstrued as admission of fault. This fear of being seen by our children as in the wrong can really get in the way of good teaching.
I'll give you a scenario - the computer has been left on and unattended. husband wanders past; checks emails, checks a few other things in case there are messages. Then, because husband is heading for bed, he shuts down the computer. However, difficult child 3 was playing an online game through a wireless connection on another device in the house. THis was using the broadband connection through the main computer, but since it has just been shut down, difficult child 3's game has also been shut down. And he was winning against whoever it was he was playing against, somewhere else in the world.
A conditional apology - "Sorry, son, I shut it down because I didn't think anyone else was using it. It's a waste of electricity to leave the thing on when it's not being used."
Because that apology is conditional, difficult child 3 is more likely to respond with anger: "But I WAS using it! You say you didn't think anyone was using it - you just didn't think!" (Yes, difficult child 3 will talk to us like this, it is our own words coming back to haunt us because we set the wrong example way back when, and now need to un-teach it all).
An unconditional apology - "Sorry, son. I didn't mean for you to lose your game. Next time I'll ask you to shut down for me when you're done."
I know that said a bit more than the "sorry, son," but what it said was a suggestion to do better in the future; there was no component of justification.
But that doesn't mean that you can't ever justify your actions. You can - at a later time, husband could go to difficult child 3 and say, "I'm a bit concerned that I find the computer on and nobody apparently using it, it's easy for me or your mum to think we should shut it down. Or you might find it apparently abandoned and shut it down, but I might be using the wireless connection on my laptop. So how do you think we can sort this? Is there a way we can make sure that we don't interfere with each other's internet usage but still use our home computers responsibly?"
By setting out the problem separately, and trying to involve difficult child 3 in working with us to find a mutual solution, he feels honoured, we are showing him how to treat other people, plus he actually IS capable of making the occasional sensible suggestion. But even if he himself didn't suggest the solution we eventually arrive at, he still feels ownership of it because we involved him in the process.
If you do this with a child who then goes back on what was agreed, then next time you do this, make sure there is full agreement on the solution then write it down on a piece of paper, get everyone to sign it, then stick up a copy of this piece of paper on a wall somewhere. If this gets breached by ANYONE (and difficult child is permitted to call the others on tis too, if it is breached) then you go to the paper, show the others and say, "Do we need to discuss this again?"
There is a lot about your daughter that sounds Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). I'm not saying that's what she has, but the approaches that work for us with difficult child 3 are very rigid because they have to be; he needs everything to be as consistent as possible because for him, the world is a confusing, chaotic place and until he can make out some sort of order, eh can't make progress. "Explosive Child" methods work well for us, but we have of course adapted a lot to our own situation. We have seen amazing progress with difficult child 3, but we also have had to choose to let a lot of stuff slide, for now. If we jump on him for every little thing, he won't know where to begin. But if we choose just four or five things to work on and leave the rest (making sure to leave the stuff he has least control over) then we can begin to see change.
With restitution - if she is given a choice, then she is the one making the decision. She then needs encouragement (by the sound of things) to follow through on her original decision. She needs to know, all along, that it is HER choice she is acting on. "You were given the alternatives, this is what you chose to do. The consequence of doing this is X. The consequence of not doing it is Y. Do you still stand by your choice?"
Inaction is also a choice, she needs to know this. It is a classic passive-aggressive technique to let things slide so you don't ever have to feel you have owned a decision to act. Then you can always blame others for the consequences. But if she can be taught that inaction is also a positive choice she has made then she can begin to understand that the consequences of inaction are her responsibility.
And again - this lesson has to be for the whole family, parents too. The family is a unit, it all interconnects, even if a family member is not always physically present.
Marg
You first set the example yourself. You also may need to calmly draw attention to the fact that you are apologising unconditionally (perhaps for not listening fully - whatever opportunity comes up). Then if you get any sort of apology at a later stage (preferably for something really, really small such as interrupting, or stepping on your toes accidentally, or similar) you draw her attention (again, calmly - Explosive Child methods here, you back off if it begins to cause serious raging) to the way she apologised. maybe point out to her that this is because everybody has got into bad habits and it's time to re-set the standards for all. Ask her to remind you if you apologise conditionally.
This isn't easy, because as parents we try to save face, constantly. We get into this habit when our children are a lot younger and understand a great deal less - "I'm sorry if I scared you when I grabbed you just as that truck went past, but I could see you were about to dash out onto the road after your ball, and I was scared for you."
Believe it or not, that is a conditional apology - "I'm sorry for what I did, but I had a good reason."
When you apologise but make it conditional, it stops being an apology. It has become an explanation; a justification. And if we have promised an apology, if an apology is called for, a justification only makes the other person angrier and feel even more put-upon.
If staff tell difficult child she has to call you and apologise or she won't get X - it's not a real apology. But if she absolutely won't apologise under any other conditions, maybe this is what the staff feel they have to do, in order to teach her how to apologise. And under those conditions, it is far more likely that she will try to turn her apology into as much o a justification as she can get away with.
Take note of yourself and your other kids, how you apologise to one another, even for simple things as getting in one another's way when trying to get to the fridge. This is a really important lesson to try to teach ALL your kids - learn how to apologise unconditionally.
Sometimes you really desperately want to explain yourself at the same time as apologising - you feel that if you don't, your apology will be misconstrued as admission of fault. This fear of being seen by our children as in the wrong can really get in the way of good teaching.
I'll give you a scenario - the computer has been left on and unattended. husband wanders past; checks emails, checks a few other things in case there are messages. Then, because husband is heading for bed, he shuts down the computer. However, difficult child 3 was playing an online game through a wireless connection on another device in the house. THis was using the broadband connection through the main computer, but since it has just been shut down, difficult child 3's game has also been shut down. And he was winning against whoever it was he was playing against, somewhere else in the world.
A conditional apology - "Sorry, son, I shut it down because I didn't think anyone else was using it. It's a waste of electricity to leave the thing on when it's not being used."
Because that apology is conditional, difficult child 3 is more likely to respond with anger: "But I WAS using it! You say you didn't think anyone was using it - you just didn't think!" (Yes, difficult child 3 will talk to us like this, it is our own words coming back to haunt us because we set the wrong example way back when, and now need to un-teach it all).
An unconditional apology - "Sorry, son. I didn't mean for you to lose your game. Next time I'll ask you to shut down for me when you're done."
I know that said a bit more than the "sorry, son," but what it said was a suggestion to do better in the future; there was no component of justification.
But that doesn't mean that you can't ever justify your actions. You can - at a later time, husband could go to difficult child 3 and say, "I'm a bit concerned that I find the computer on and nobody apparently using it, it's easy for me or your mum to think we should shut it down. Or you might find it apparently abandoned and shut it down, but I might be using the wireless connection on my laptop. So how do you think we can sort this? Is there a way we can make sure that we don't interfere with each other's internet usage but still use our home computers responsibly?"
By setting out the problem separately, and trying to involve difficult child 3 in working with us to find a mutual solution, he feels honoured, we are showing him how to treat other people, plus he actually IS capable of making the occasional sensible suggestion. But even if he himself didn't suggest the solution we eventually arrive at, he still feels ownership of it because we involved him in the process.
If you do this with a child who then goes back on what was agreed, then next time you do this, make sure there is full agreement on the solution then write it down on a piece of paper, get everyone to sign it, then stick up a copy of this piece of paper on a wall somewhere. If this gets breached by ANYONE (and difficult child is permitted to call the others on tis too, if it is breached) then you go to the paper, show the others and say, "Do we need to discuss this again?"
There is a lot about your daughter that sounds Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD). I'm not saying that's what she has, but the approaches that work for us with difficult child 3 are very rigid because they have to be; he needs everything to be as consistent as possible because for him, the world is a confusing, chaotic place and until he can make out some sort of order, eh can't make progress. "Explosive Child" methods work well for us, but we have of course adapted a lot to our own situation. We have seen amazing progress with difficult child 3, but we also have had to choose to let a lot of stuff slide, for now. If we jump on him for every little thing, he won't know where to begin. But if we choose just four or five things to work on and leave the rest (making sure to leave the stuff he has least control over) then we can begin to see change.
With restitution - if she is given a choice, then she is the one making the decision. She then needs encouragement (by the sound of things) to follow through on her original decision. She needs to know, all along, that it is HER choice she is acting on. "You were given the alternatives, this is what you chose to do. The consequence of doing this is X. The consequence of not doing it is Y. Do you still stand by your choice?"
Inaction is also a choice, she needs to know this. It is a classic passive-aggressive technique to let things slide so you don't ever have to feel you have owned a decision to act. Then you can always blame others for the consequences. But if she can be taught that inaction is also a positive choice she has made then she can begin to understand that the consequences of inaction are her responsibility.
And again - this lesson has to be for the whole family, parents too. The family is a unit, it all interconnects, even if a family member is not always physically present.
Marg
WOOHOO! Well an apprehension filled WOOHOO! It will be a full week, 7 days, that there has been no accusations of GFG15 stealing! I asked her tonight if she'd stole anything in this time, she said no. So I'm holding hope that she made it a FULL week without stealing. Though, I am apprehensive, as things always come to light when things are looking good. But I will be positive and hope that this is just the beginning of no theft!
