Then VS Now...a tale for those new comers

Discussion in 'General Parenting' started by Tiapet, Nov 13, 2013.

  1. Tiapet

    Tiapet Old Hand

    I wanted to post this for the new people that will visit. Many years ago I was like many of you and so new to all of this and not a warrior mom. So much could easily shake me up and get me into a panic, upset me, worry me, stress me, and well you know as get me feeling just about any feeling you are having right now with your child, with the school, with an agency or doctor, etc. After so many years of battles and learning and support from this site I believe I've come almost full circle. Sure, I have a ton more learning to go as I have 1 who is an adult so I am facing those issues and learning. I have 2 others who are mid to late teens and still haven't gone through "all" that can be and there are certainly a ton more battles that can yet be faced and experienced and perhaps more learning. At times I feel like I can say been there done that that on so many things but I can't. Not yet. What prompted this post is something I just could not believe, something new. Something that years ago would have had me shaken to the core. Instead it had me mad and ready to do battle and correct a wrong first but knowing that there was a team that had my back for a change! What was it? I have a 16 year old daughter who refuses to take medication. Not all medication but certain medications. Her excuses run from "I take too much medication"(mind you she only takes currently 3 pills so the addition would have been 1 more possibly 2) to "I don't like how it makes me feel"(which is just, in some cases a blatant excuse) and a bunch of other excuses. The medication categories in particular she opposes are mood stabilizers or medications that will stop her from "seeing things". She doesn't want to loose her visions, which has been proved it DOES stop them. She is comfortable with them. As for the mood stabilizers, well she has failed the top 3 with bad reactions but there are alternatives but she is not willing to even try them (the reactions were not "bad" as in severe but ones that were minor but enough that she could not take it). She MUST get her mood stabilized as it's a severe rollercoaster ride for everyone not only herself and it effects the daily life at home and in school. Having said the above, she IS 16 which means she has a legal right to refuse to take the medication. I can try to convince her to take it as can the doctors and her team but she doesn't have to. We all know this. So along comes the INSURANCE company who one day, when we are trying to get approval for her continued care under a program for her services (which are now down to basic care because we can't get her to do anything much, they used to be full care). The insurance company decided to get a bug up their butt and told the approval coordinator that "you need to call and report DHS on this parent because she's not taking her medication and they need force her"! SERIOUSLY??? Anyway, the coordinator knowing my family, the situation, the law clearly told the insurance company "I don't feel comfortable doing that, nor do I think it's necessary. Furthermore, the child IS 16 and by law can refuse to take medication if she chooses". Talk about livid? Thankfully the coordinator called me immediately and reported this to me entirely. What the company said, what she said to them as well. I asked her to please give me the name of the person to whom she spoke with. After all these years and learning I will not just sit on this. I will report this by a letter writing campaign to several sources. It was and is clearly an abuse of authority. Clearly 1 person's opinion on the phone that day who "decided" what they felt needed to happen. Years ago I would have cringed, freaked out, lived in fear that DHS would have been called because I would know that I couldn't trust my team (any of them), the insurance company, didn't know the laws well enough to know her or my rights. My world basically would have collapsed quickly and I would have been a mess. Instead years later it just made me mad and put me into action. Proper action but balanced. Basically, most times I am able to balance much of what I come up against with all of them, even the new stuff because it doesn't "surprise" me anymore. Sure, I feel the emotion sometimes in the moment. But the lack of attachment with it is now gone. Sometimes I will admit it is too gone but not so far that I am an unfeeling, distant parent who has thrown their child away. Not by a long shot. I still do have difficult days so please don't think I'm telling you it's going to be a cake walk. It never is. It just gets far easier and way better down the line. It's a "choice" you have to make and consciously work on to get to. I was you and still am at times (though now for different reasons somewhat). I could not go anywhere, can't have anyone over, have no friends, family at odds, problems with the schools (still have that to some degree), etc. Driving in the car was a battle and it still can be to a point even though they are older. BUT, we CAN go out to dinner now once in a while but I "expect" what is going to happen and let it roll off my back. I "expect" that others are going to stare no matter where we are if they do something that "others" don't approve of. These are my children, my lifeblood. So long as they are not treating another badly or wrong and what they are doing is just "out of the norm", then it's ok. I can tolerate that they will talk very loudly and no longer be embarrassed. It's them. I can tolerate that they speak "off the cuff" and most people aren't used to being spoken to so bluntly. If they aren't being disrespectful about it and being honest, it's just them. They speak their mind. It's ok. I'd rather have a strong mindful child. Yes, they are VERY disrespectful to me at times. That is not good but like I said, we're still working on things. It's not perfection. We've come a very long way and as long as they are not disrespecting others outside of our home, it's ok. We still have much more to work on. The key here is......THERE IS HOPE! Even for the child I was just talking about who is my most difficult and will most likely ending up in a group home like setting once she turns 18 as she will not be able to fully function on her own. I may be wrong but that's the way it looks right now and I'll have to have guardianship of her (or another we've built in, if something does occur with me and my health, which is an unfortunate possibility that we are very aware of). So please, know that being her WILL help you. Take what you learn to heart. If something doesn't sit well with you that you read. Don't always just dismiss it right away. Think on it. If after a bit it still bothers you then of course, just erase it and forget it from your head and move past that person's message in the post and perhaps don't read anything more by them if it is that bad. You will be ok. It WILL be ok. This is a family and it will help you if you let it. I've been here since this board began (long before it was named what it is now, like when there was only 25 original members). THAT'S a really REALLY long time! 1996 Wishing you all peace, love, and learning....... Tiapet