Therapeutic Treatment Facilities?
- Thread starter LitlPixy
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goldenguru
Active Member
Hi LitlPixy~
We sent our daughter to a Christian treatment facility for 16 months. So we certainly have the experience. What are you interested in knowing specifically?
Also, you may want to re-consider 'something close'. For a variety of reasons, many professionals warn against placing a child too close to home.
If I can be of any assistance ... let me know.
We sent our daughter to a Christian treatment facility for 16 months. So we certainly have the experience. What are you interested in knowing specifically?
Also, you may want to re-consider 'something close'. For a variety of reasons, many professionals warn against placing a child too close to home.
If I can be of any assistance ... let me know.
LitlPixy
New Member
I was reading your tagline. It's so good to hear of someone having been through the tunnel and knows there can be light at the end.
Did your daughter want to go? How old was she when she went? What if the child tries to run away? (She never has before but something like this, she may think about it. Who knows?)
I guess maybe the something close is for my benefit. Knowing she's not too far away?
Did your daughter want to go? How old was she when she went? What if the child tries to run away? (She never has before but something like this, she may think about it. Who knows?)
I guess maybe the something close is for my benefit. Knowing she's not too far away?
goldenguru
Active Member
Hi LitlPixy~
Did my daughter want to go? OMG - NO. She went kicking and screaming and I mean literally. We had to phone the airlines ahead of time to warn them about what we were doing and why. We wanted them to be prepared for any drama she might create. She created plenty. It was a terrible, terrible experience.
She was 15 when we sent her. Our daughter never tried to run away from this facility, although she did run once from an inpatient drug program that we tried. But, several girls did run from her program. The beauty of where my daughter was located was that it was in the middle of nothing. It was a ranch in the middle of a national forest. So, they didn't get to far before a staff member picked them up and brought them back.
I understand your desire to want her close. There were many times I wished my daughter would have been closer. But, what the distance did for me was kept me from 'running' to rescue her. And it kept her from running home. The choice of a program should be done first and foremost in terms of a good fit. That is - matching your daughters needs with what the program offers. Proximity should be further down the priority list in my opinion.
Have you spoken with an educational consultant? If not, it might be a good place to start.
If you have further questions ... please feel free to contact me.
Did my daughter want to go? OMG - NO. She went kicking and screaming and I mean literally. We had to phone the airlines ahead of time to warn them about what we were doing and why. We wanted them to be prepared for any drama she might create. She created plenty. It was a terrible, terrible experience.
She was 15 when we sent her. Our daughter never tried to run away from this facility, although she did run once from an inpatient drug program that we tried. But, several girls did run from her program. The beauty of where my daughter was located was that it was in the middle of nothing. It was a ranch in the middle of a national forest. So, they didn't get to far before a staff member picked them up and brought them back.
I understand your desire to want her close. There were many times I wished my daughter would have been closer. But, what the distance did for me was kept me from 'running' to rescue her. And it kept her from running home. The choice of a program should be done first and foremost in terms of a good fit. That is - matching your daughters needs with what the program offers. Proximity should be further down the priority list in my opinion.
Have you spoken with an educational consultant? If not, it might be a good place to start.
If you have further questions ... please feel free to contact me.
Janna
New Member
My son is currently in a Residential Treatment Facility. He went in August 13th and it's an 8-10 month program for challenging children of all types. Young boys to teens.
We're not in Texas, we're in Pennsylvania, but I wanted to share my experience thus far with you.
The first couple of weeks were very hard. He lives there, goes to school there, and I spent my life following behind Dylan to make sure every THING was done. So, when I had to place him into someone else's hands, well, it wasn't easy.
He cried alot the first few weeks, too. So did I.
So, he's been in almost 3 months and it's been great! I had to let everyone involved in my son's case know that I was an advocate, and they weren't going to push me around or ignore me, and once I got that out of the way, everything was good! They put him in horticultural therapy (gardening/greenhouse), equine therapy (horses), pet therapy (cat), plus he gets individual and family. Art therapy, too. And they are working on his IEP at the school for when he's released, and giving him Occupational Therapist (OT). I can call him every night of the week. He is close, which is fortunate for me, only 20 minutes away, but there are kids there that have parents 2 hours away. It's a choice, a very, very hard one, you have to make to benefit your child.
I wouldn't discriminate on Christian based or not. I would do the internet search and find what is available in all aspects, call, get information, put everything in front of you and try to make a good choice that way. We were able to speak to people AND tour this facility before making any decision. And even after the tour, I thought about this almost 3 weeks.
Also, you may want to think about calling a local MH/MR (Mental Health/Mental Retardation) agency or NAMI or something of that sort. I could not get my son into this Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) without a referral from MH/MR and a psychiatric referral. You can't just walk in with them and get them a bed.
My son is learning alot. As I said, it's been a great experience for us. Not every Residential Treatment Facility (RTF), I'm sure, is this great. You just have to do your detective work before hand.
Good luck!
We're not in Texas, we're in Pennsylvania, but I wanted to share my experience thus far with you.
The first couple of weeks were very hard. He lives there, goes to school there, and I spent my life following behind Dylan to make sure every THING was done. So, when I had to place him into someone else's hands, well, it wasn't easy.
He cried alot the first few weeks, too. So did I.
So, he's been in almost 3 months and it's been great! I had to let everyone involved in my son's case know that I was an advocate, and they weren't going to push me around or ignore me, and once I got that out of the way, everything was good! They put him in horticultural therapy (gardening/greenhouse), equine therapy (horses), pet therapy (cat), plus he gets individual and family. Art therapy, too. And they are working on his IEP at the school for when he's released, and giving him Occupational Therapist (OT). I can call him every night of the week. He is close, which is fortunate for me, only 20 minutes away, but there are kids there that have parents 2 hours away. It's a choice, a very, very hard one, you have to make to benefit your child.
I wouldn't discriminate on Christian based or not. I would do the internet search and find what is available in all aspects, call, get information, put everything in front of you and try to make a good choice that way. We were able to speak to people AND tour this facility before making any decision. And even after the tour, I thought about this almost 3 weeks.
Also, you may want to think about calling a local MH/MR (Mental Health/Mental Retardation) agency or NAMI or something of that sort. I could not get my son into this Residential Treatment Facility (RTF) without a referral from MH/MR and a psychiatric referral. You can't just walk in with them and get them a bed.
My son is learning alot. As I said, it's been a great experience for us. Not every Residential Treatment Facility (RTF), I'm sure, is this great. You just have to do your detective work before hand.
Good luck!
My girl spent 17 months at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) several years ago. She was taken from juvenile detention by "escorts" that I hired as I knew I couldn't get her there. I found an excellent facility out west that met her needs. She was extremely defiant for months at the program, but finally had an awakening and turned herself around. Her therapist at Residential Treatment Center (RTC) was the main factor in her behavioral change, along with medication and maturity. She received many frightening diagnoses from the time she was 13-16, but today is a wonderful young woman who just turned 19. She still has her strong personality, but uses it in positive ways now.
onmyknees
New Member
I've heard tons of good things about xxx in Hallsville, TX (2 hrs. from Dallas) I would LOVE to send our daughter there, but the pricetag is way too high for us. I know it's recommended by a ton of noteworthy Christian leaders like:
Dr. Randy Carlson, Stephen Curtis Chapman, Dr. Kevin Leaman etc...Here's the website xxx
Dr. Randy Carlson, Stephen Curtis Chapman, Dr. Kevin Leaman etc...Here's the website xxx
DFrances
Banned
I have been helping parents find residential placements for their struggling teens for eleven years. I am and Educational Planner.
The past fifteen years has seen a major change in residential programs for self-destructive and struggling teens. In the past virtually every residential intervention available was funded and controlled by governmental agencies, including decisions as to who would be enrolled. What has changed is that we now have a rapidly growing network of private residential schools and programs focused on allowing parents more choices. Usually this involves parents paying the tuition, or at least making arrangements for payment through their insurance policy or other resources. This is having the effect of empowering parents, giving them many more effective resources to which to turn when their struggling child is making self-destructive decisions. These new options enable parents to intervene before a tragedy develops.
With that new ability and responsibility, comes the opportunity for parents to make their own mistakes. Listed below are ten of the most common mistakes I have seen parents make during my eleven years working with parents of struggling teens. I present this with the hope that parents who are beginning to search for residential schools and programs will rethink their initial assumptions to avoid self-defeating choices.
1.) "We want a place close to home." Just as the needs of struggling teens vary widely, so do the strengths and weaknesses of residential schools and programs. Restricting one's search to a limited geographical area increases the chances of excluding the most appropriate places that have the best chances for being successful with your child. In effect, this is settling for second best, which increases the chances of a placement not working.
2.) "We want something affordable." The most expensive residential school or program is the one that doesn't work.
A quality school or program that has the structure to keep on top of manipulative and contrary teens and still be effective in changing attitudes is going to be expensive, whether the parent or the taxpayers pay the bill. Most low cost schools or programs are inexpensive because they are under capitalized, cut corners financially, have a poorly thought out program, hire too few people and or hire minimum wage staff. It is very risky to entrust your child to one of these places. An exception to this is the quality school or program, usually Christian oriented, that has a large endowment or a successful fund raising program, or is able to attract good staff because they consider themselves on a mission. But these occasional quality schools and programs tend to screen out the more resistant child, and usually are not prepared for a highly manipulative and resistant and/or angry teen.
Most parents that enroll a child in a quality Emotional Growth or Therapeutic school or program do so by making the personal sacrifice of dipping into the assets they have accumulated over the years or do as I did, take out a substantial loan or second mortgage.
3.) "We want our teen fixed." The teen might have a problem, but the teen is not necessarily THE problem.
Blaming the child is an unfair oversimplification.
Sometimes the teen just needs to learn the basic lessons and attitudes necessary for growing up, which is the focus of an Emotional Growth school. Or, perhaps the teen has some kind of pathology that is more appropriately the focus of a treatment center. In either case, family relationships are an integral part of both the problem and the solution. Selecting a school or a program that is only concerned with what the child is doing while ignoring the family, is not addressing the whole problem and is less likely to provide a satisfying solution.
4.) "That school helped our friend's child." A friend's suggestion is only good for obtaining ideas about successful places to check out. Odds are that the needs of your child are considerably different than the needs of your friend's child, even if the behavior is similar. There is no one best place for struggling teens; some are simply more appropriate for your child than others. In any case, parents should not make an enrollment decision without thoroughly checking out at least three separate quality schools or programs to make sure they are not just selecting the first place that sounds feasible.
5.) "A six month placement should do it." Turning a child's thinking around, or providing treatment for a child, takes as long as it takes. Experienced professionals can make a reasonable estimate of the time frame needed after getting to know your child. But, for the parent to put any kind of arbitrary time limit in advance of placement encourages the child to simply wait for the ending date without making any change. It also sets up the parent to withdraw their child when an arbitrary date is reached rather than when the needed changes have occurred.
Such action reflects that the parent is thinking of their child as if the are a possession with a maintenance plan, rather than an individual with evolving needs. Intervening with a struggling teen is nothing like fixing a carburetor.
6.) "We are looking for a military school or a boot camp."
Both the military and struggling teens have changed over the last generation. The military, and military schools are more selective than they used to be; now they do not take young people with anything more than minor behavior problems. Boot camps do work with more serious behaviors, but are based on a philosophy of changing behavior through punishment. For punishment to be effective, a child must have a grasp of cause and effect, and how consequences work. For the most part the current generation of children who are in Emotional Growth schools and programs have not grasped the concept of cause and effect and don't understand how consequences work. Punishment backfires with these children since they don't realize their behavior had anything to do with the punishment, and are likely to assume the adult doesn't like them. They are more likely to learn positive attitudes from firm, consistent and appropriate consequences than they are to learn from punishment by a boot camp drill sergeant.
7.) "We can trust what professionals tell us."
Every professional is human and has their own frame of reference.
There is an old saying to the effect that "If you only have a hammer, soon everything will look like a nail." A child psychiatrist will tend to assume therapy and medication is necessary, an Emotional Growth or Therapeutic school Admissions Director will tend to assume the child needs to be enrolled, and a therapist will tend to think their own brand of therapy is what is required.
This is not to impugn the motives of these professionals, just a cautionary reminder that they are human; objectivity is an ideal that is very difficult for humans to achieve. Any professional recommendation should be evaluated in context of the recognition that a professionals personal philosophy and obligations ought to be mediated by the real expert's knowledge, that is: the child's parents.
8.) "We don't need to tell the school/professional everything our child has done." Parents sometimes don't tell professionals some of the worse things their child has done.
This is usually an attempt to increase the chances of their child being accepted by a particular school or program. This sometimes gets the child enrolled, but it also increases the chances that enrollment will become a disaster when the school or program is faced with some behavior or pathology for which they are not prepared.
9.) "We will save some money by finding a school or program by ourselves without the help of an educational consultant."
This can be a false economy. A placement that falls apart can be very expensive to parents, both financially and emotionally.
Anything that reduces the odds of a placement failure can save a lot of money and trauma. Parents are free to represent their own interests without calling on a trained and experienced professional in a variety of settings, for example, representing themselves in Court, facing an IRS tax audit, or enrolling their child in an Emotional Growth school or program. However in each situation, the knowledge, reputation and experience of an appropriate professional can be invaluable. When parents are contemplating enrolling their child in a residential program, a qualified and experienced independent educational consultant can help them clarify their needs, and share a wide knowledge of many different programs with the parent. As a result of the educational consultant's long working relationship with schools and programs, they are in a good position to advocate to them on behalf of the child and parents.
An Educational Consultant can: help the parent avoid common mistakes, warn parents if a quality school is having temporary problems that might negatively affect the chances of a successful enrollment at that time, and be a sympathetic and knowledgeable third party sounding board for the parents' thoughts and concerns. If after the placement, a child's behaviors create a crisis, the consultant is in a position to encourage the school to not give up too easily on their client, and can advise the parents how to appropriately respond to a child's manipulations. The consultant can also be on immediate call if the placement goes bad and another placement is needed.
If any of these situations develop, the timely advice of a knowledgeable and experienced Educational Consultant can help parents avoid wasting both time and money. There is a wide variation in the fees charged by competent and experienced educational consultants ranging from those who charge an hourly fee to those that work only on an annual contract basis. It pays to shop around; don't assume that all Educational Consultants charge the same fee as the first one you call, nor should you assume that all Educational Consultants are equally appropriate for your individual situation.
10.) "We don't need to get the other parent involved." A child needs the best possible relationship with both parents. When one parent attempts to cut the other parent out of the placement loop, not only does this deny the child' needs, but also gives the ignored parent the motive to sabotage the placement, and gives the child ammunition to manipulate both parents. What frequently happens when both parents don't agree on a placement is that a battle is set up between the parents, with the child and the school caught in the middle. When this battle develops, it is very difficult and often impossible for the school to help the child. With very few exceptions, a placement can be successful only when both parents agree and support the placement; or at least each parent needs to commit to not undermine the placement.
In all residential placement considerations, the needs of the child should be the top priority, with the desire on behalf of the parents to develop a better relationship with their child an almost equal priority. Other considerations, though sometimes very important, should be treated as secondary. Whether the parents' focusing is on convenience, finances, the child's destructive behavior, or relying on only one person's advice, the commonality of the mistakes in this list is that the needs of the child are secondary rather than primary. Placing anything other than the child's needs at the top of the list of priorities increases the chances of a placement disaster or an ineffective experience for your child.
The past fifteen years has seen a major change in residential programs for self-destructive and struggling teens. In the past virtually every residential intervention available was funded and controlled by governmental agencies, including decisions as to who would be enrolled. What has changed is that we now have a rapidly growing network of private residential schools and programs focused on allowing parents more choices. Usually this involves parents paying the tuition, or at least making arrangements for payment through their insurance policy or other resources. This is having the effect of empowering parents, giving them many more effective resources to which to turn when their struggling child is making self-destructive decisions. These new options enable parents to intervene before a tragedy develops.
With that new ability and responsibility, comes the opportunity for parents to make their own mistakes. Listed below are ten of the most common mistakes I have seen parents make during my eleven years working with parents of struggling teens. I present this with the hope that parents who are beginning to search for residential schools and programs will rethink their initial assumptions to avoid self-defeating choices.
1.) "We want a place close to home." Just as the needs of struggling teens vary widely, so do the strengths and weaknesses of residential schools and programs. Restricting one's search to a limited geographical area increases the chances of excluding the most appropriate places that have the best chances for being successful with your child. In effect, this is settling for second best, which increases the chances of a placement not working.
2.) "We want something affordable." The most expensive residential school or program is the one that doesn't work.
A quality school or program that has the structure to keep on top of manipulative and contrary teens and still be effective in changing attitudes is going to be expensive, whether the parent or the taxpayers pay the bill. Most low cost schools or programs are inexpensive because they are under capitalized, cut corners financially, have a poorly thought out program, hire too few people and or hire minimum wage staff. It is very risky to entrust your child to one of these places. An exception to this is the quality school or program, usually Christian oriented, that has a large endowment or a successful fund raising program, or is able to attract good staff because they consider themselves on a mission. But these occasional quality schools and programs tend to screen out the more resistant child, and usually are not prepared for a highly manipulative and resistant and/or angry teen.
Most parents that enroll a child in a quality Emotional Growth or Therapeutic school or program do so by making the personal sacrifice of dipping into the assets they have accumulated over the years or do as I did, take out a substantial loan or second mortgage.
3.) "We want our teen fixed." The teen might have a problem, but the teen is not necessarily THE problem.
Blaming the child is an unfair oversimplification.
Sometimes the teen just needs to learn the basic lessons and attitudes necessary for growing up, which is the focus of an Emotional Growth school. Or, perhaps the teen has some kind of pathology that is more appropriately the focus of a treatment center. In either case, family relationships are an integral part of both the problem and the solution. Selecting a school or a program that is only concerned with what the child is doing while ignoring the family, is not addressing the whole problem and is less likely to provide a satisfying solution.
4.) "That school helped our friend's child." A friend's suggestion is only good for obtaining ideas about successful places to check out. Odds are that the needs of your child are considerably different than the needs of your friend's child, even if the behavior is similar. There is no one best place for struggling teens; some are simply more appropriate for your child than others. In any case, parents should not make an enrollment decision without thoroughly checking out at least three separate quality schools or programs to make sure they are not just selecting the first place that sounds feasible.
5.) "A six month placement should do it." Turning a child's thinking around, or providing treatment for a child, takes as long as it takes. Experienced professionals can make a reasonable estimate of the time frame needed after getting to know your child. But, for the parent to put any kind of arbitrary time limit in advance of placement encourages the child to simply wait for the ending date without making any change. It also sets up the parent to withdraw their child when an arbitrary date is reached rather than when the needed changes have occurred.
Such action reflects that the parent is thinking of their child as if the are a possession with a maintenance plan, rather than an individual with evolving needs. Intervening with a struggling teen is nothing like fixing a carburetor.
6.) "We are looking for a military school or a boot camp."
Both the military and struggling teens have changed over the last generation. The military, and military schools are more selective than they used to be; now they do not take young people with anything more than minor behavior problems. Boot camps do work with more serious behaviors, but are based on a philosophy of changing behavior through punishment. For punishment to be effective, a child must have a grasp of cause and effect, and how consequences work. For the most part the current generation of children who are in Emotional Growth schools and programs have not grasped the concept of cause and effect and don't understand how consequences work. Punishment backfires with these children since they don't realize their behavior had anything to do with the punishment, and are likely to assume the adult doesn't like them. They are more likely to learn positive attitudes from firm, consistent and appropriate consequences than they are to learn from punishment by a boot camp drill sergeant.
7.) "We can trust what professionals tell us."
Every professional is human and has their own frame of reference.
There is an old saying to the effect that "If you only have a hammer, soon everything will look like a nail." A child psychiatrist will tend to assume therapy and medication is necessary, an Emotional Growth or Therapeutic school Admissions Director will tend to assume the child needs to be enrolled, and a therapist will tend to think their own brand of therapy is what is required.
This is not to impugn the motives of these professionals, just a cautionary reminder that they are human; objectivity is an ideal that is very difficult for humans to achieve. Any professional recommendation should be evaluated in context of the recognition that a professionals personal philosophy and obligations ought to be mediated by the real expert's knowledge, that is: the child's parents.
8.) "We don't need to tell the school/professional everything our child has done." Parents sometimes don't tell professionals some of the worse things their child has done.
This is usually an attempt to increase the chances of their child being accepted by a particular school or program. This sometimes gets the child enrolled, but it also increases the chances that enrollment will become a disaster when the school or program is faced with some behavior or pathology for which they are not prepared.
9.) "We will save some money by finding a school or program by ourselves without the help of an educational consultant."
This can be a false economy. A placement that falls apart can be very expensive to parents, both financially and emotionally.
Anything that reduces the odds of a placement failure can save a lot of money and trauma. Parents are free to represent their own interests without calling on a trained and experienced professional in a variety of settings, for example, representing themselves in Court, facing an IRS tax audit, or enrolling their child in an Emotional Growth school or program. However in each situation, the knowledge, reputation and experience of an appropriate professional can be invaluable. When parents are contemplating enrolling their child in a residential program, a qualified and experienced independent educational consultant can help them clarify their needs, and share a wide knowledge of many different programs with the parent. As a result of the educational consultant's long working relationship with schools and programs, they are in a good position to advocate to them on behalf of the child and parents.
An Educational Consultant can: help the parent avoid common mistakes, warn parents if a quality school is having temporary problems that might negatively affect the chances of a successful enrollment at that time, and be a sympathetic and knowledgeable third party sounding board for the parents' thoughts and concerns. If after the placement, a child's behaviors create a crisis, the consultant is in a position to encourage the school to not give up too easily on their client, and can advise the parents how to appropriately respond to a child's manipulations. The consultant can also be on immediate call if the placement goes bad and another placement is needed.
If any of these situations develop, the timely advice of a knowledgeable and experienced Educational Consultant can help parents avoid wasting both time and money. There is a wide variation in the fees charged by competent and experienced educational consultants ranging from those who charge an hourly fee to those that work only on an annual contract basis. It pays to shop around; don't assume that all Educational Consultants charge the same fee as the first one you call, nor should you assume that all Educational Consultants are equally appropriate for your individual situation.
10.) "We don't need to get the other parent involved." A child needs the best possible relationship with both parents. When one parent attempts to cut the other parent out of the placement loop, not only does this deny the child' needs, but also gives the ignored parent the motive to sabotage the placement, and gives the child ammunition to manipulate both parents. What frequently happens when both parents don't agree on a placement is that a battle is set up between the parents, with the child and the school caught in the middle. When this battle develops, it is very difficult and often impossible for the school to help the child. With very few exceptions, a placement can be successful only when both parents agree and support the placement; or at least each parent needs to commit to not undermine the placement.
In all residential placement considerations, the needs of the child should be the top priority, with the desire on behalf of the parents to develop a better relationship with their child an almost equal priority. Other considerations, though sometimes very important, should be treated as secondary. Whether the parents' focusing is on convenience, finances, the child's destructive behavior, or relying on only one person's advice, the commonality of the mistakes in this list is that the needs of the child are secondary rather than primary. Placing anything other than the child's needs at the top of the list of priorities increases the chances of a placement disaster or an ineffective experience for your child.
LitlPixy
New Member
Onmykneees, did you know you could listen to Mark Gregston @ Oneplace? http://www.oneplace.com/ministries/Heartlight_Ministries/archives.asp?bcd=11/17/2007
He's giving a parenting seminar in a little town near me in the spring that I'm hoping to go to. Be sure and check with your insurance.
Annette
He's giving a parenting seminar in a little town near me in the spring that I'm hoping to go to. Be sure and check with your insurance.
Annette
goldenguru
Active Member
Hello again LItlPixy~
I would be glad to PM you the educational consultant that I am comfortable with. He is fair, and knowledgeable in my opinion.
While I don't always appreciate Dores posts (she is an educational consultant who really shouldn't be 'drumming up business' in a forum designed for parents) her post in this thread does have some valuable information.
It took my daughter a few months to really 'buy into the program'. That is - she kept up a facade for about 6 -8 weeks before she took off the false face and really began to wade through her issues. Then she began to make real progress.
It is an extremely difficult experience. For her. For you. For the entire family. What we found was that while our daughter was the presenting client - the whole family had issues. Many of the dynamics in our home needed major overhauls. Be prepared in advance - it is going to require much work on your part too.
It is extremely expensive. Be prepared to spend upwards of $50 - $60 K. We drained her college accounts and a good chunk of our savings. We still have not recovered fully from the financial impact of this decision. Most insurances do not cover this, just as they would not cover a private boarding school. Sometimes you can get the school district to help. Sometimes not.
And it is not a cure all. They do not "fix" your kid. They equip them with some tools to cope more effectively with life. Whether that child chooses to pick those tools up and use them is a very individual outcome. Our daughter came home and picked up right where she left off for about one year. It was devastating. The reality is that when she finally decided she was tired of living the dysfunctional life - she turned herself around. I believed it was at that point that she got out those tools, dusted them off and began to use them.
One last thought. What are your daughters struggles? Have you tried every community resource available to you? Local therapy?
Alternative schools? Local drug treatment? Family therapy?
I would never suggest sending a child to a TBS until EVERY, and I mean EVERY other resource has been tried and failed to turn a child around.
I would be glad to PM you the educational consultant that I am comfortable with. He is fair, and knowledgeable in my opinion.
While I don't always appreciate Dores posts (she is an educational consultant who really shouldn't be 'drumming up business' in a forum designed for parents) her post in this thread does have some valuable information.
It took my daughter a few months to really 'buy into the program'. That is - she kept up a facade for about 6 -8 weeks before she took off the false face and really began to wade through her issues. Then she began to make real progress.
It is an extremely difficult experience. For her. For you. For the entire family. What we found was that while our daughter was the presenting client - the whole family had issues. Many of the dynamics in our home needed major overhauls. Be prepared in advance - it is going to require much work on your part too.
It is extremely expensive. Be prepared to spend upwards of $50 - $60 K. We drained her college accounts and a good chunk of our savings. We still have not recovered fully from the financial impact of this decision. Most insurances do not cover this, just as they would not cover a private boarding school. Sometimes you can get the school district to help. Sometimes not.
And it is not a cure all. They do not "fix" your kid. They equip them with some tools to cope more effectively with life. Whether that child chooses to pick those tools up and use them is a very individual outcome. Our daughter came home and picked up right where she left off for about one year. It was devastating. The reality is that when she finally decided she was tired of living the dysfunctional life - she turned herself around. I believed it was at that point that she got out those tools, dusted them off and began to use them.
One last thought. What are your daughters struggles? Have you tried every community resource available to you? Local therapy?
Alternative schools? Local drug treatment? Family therapy?
I would never suggest sending a child to a TBS until EVERY, and I mean EVERY other resource has been tried and failed to turn a child around.
onmyknees
New Member
LitlPixy...Thanks sooo much for the link to the radio show! I'm listening to "When Teens Shatter Your Dreams with Larry Crabb" right now....fantastic stuff!!
I haven't checked into insurance...I guess I never thought that was an option, esp. with our crummy HMO. I'll have to look into it though. I seriously don't know how most people afford it without help. We do counseling and are struggling to pay the $60/week that costs in copays plus medication costs, I can't imagine trying to pay for that!
Take Care and Blessings
I haven't checked into insurance...I guess I never thought that was an option, esp. with our crummy HMO. I'll have to look into it though. I seriously don't know how most people afford it without help. We do counseling and are struggling to pay the $60/week that costs in copays plus medication costs, I can't imagine trying to pay for that!
Take Care and Blessings
R
runawaybunny
Guest
Dore,
It has been brought to my attention that your post contains copyrighted material that was written by Lon Woodbury in 2000. Your decision to use the original authors words as your own rather than attributing the work to the author is a blatant copyright violation. Your account has been locked.
The author of the article has graciously consented to allow it to be reprinted here:
http://www.strugglingteens.com/archives/2000/12/oe02.html
TEN COMMON MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE
When Choosing Residential Placements
By Lon Woodbury
In the past twenty years there has been a major change in residential programs for self-destructive and struggling teens. In the past virtually every residential intervention available was funded and controlled by governmental agencies, including decisions as to who would be enrolled. What has changed is that we now have a rapidly growing network of private residential schools and programs focused on allowing parents more choices. Usually this involves parents paying the tuition, or at least making arrangements for payment through their insurance policy or other resources.
This is having the effect of empowering parents, giving them many more effective resources to which to turn when their struggling child is making self-destructive decisions. These new options enable parents to intervene before a tragedy develops. With that new ability and responsibility, comes the opportunity for parents to make their own mistakes.
Listed below are ten of the most common mistakes I have seen parents make during my sixteen years working with parents of struggling teens. I present this with the hope that parents who are beginning to search for residential schools and programs will rethink their initial assumptions to avoid self-defeating choices.
1.) We want a place close to home. Just as the needs of struggling teens vary widely, so do the strengths and weaknesses of residential schools and programs. Restricting ones search to a limited geographical area increases the chances of excluding the most appropriate places that have the best chances for being successful with your child. In effect, this is settling for second best, which increases the chances of a placement not working.
2.) We want something affordable. The most expensive residential school or program is the one that doesnt work. A quality school or program that has the structure to keep on top of manipulative and contrary teens and still be effective in changing attitudes is going to be expensive, whether the parent or the taxpayers pay the bill. Most low cost schools or programs are inexpensive because they are undercapitalized, cut corners financially, have a poorly thought out program, hire too few people and or hire minimum wage staff. It is very risky to entrust your child to one of these places. An exception to this is the quality school or program, usually Christian oriented, that has a large endowment or a successful fund raising program, or is able to attract good staff because they consider themselves on a mission. But these occasional quality schools and programs tend to screen out the more resistant child, and usually are not prepared for a highly manipulative and resistant and/or angry teen. Most parents that enroll a child in a quality Emotional Growth or Therapeutic school or program do so by making the personal sacrifice of dipping into the assets they have accumulated over the years or do as I did, take out a substantial loan or second mortgage.
3.) We want our teen fixed. The teen might have a problem, but the teen is not necessarily THE problem. Blaming the child is an unfair oversimplification. Sometimes the teen just needs to learn the basic lessons and attitudes necessary for growing up, which is the focus of an Emotional Growth school. Or, perhaps the teen has some kind of pathology that is more appropriately the focus of a treatment center. In either case, family relationships are an integral part of both the problem and the solution. Selecting a school or a program that is only concerned with what the child is doing while ignoring the family, is not addressing the whole problem and is less likely to provide a satisfying solution.
4.) That school helped our friends child. A friends suggestion is only good for obtaining ideas about successful places to check out. Odds are that the needs of your child are considerably different than the needs of your friends child, even if the behavior is similar. There is no one best place for struggling teens; some are simply more appropriate for your child than others. In any case, parents should not make an enrollment decision without thoroughly checking out at least three separate quality schools or programs to make sure they are not just selecting the first place that sounds feasible.
5.) A six month placement should do it. Turning a childs thinking around, or providing treatment for a child, takes as long as it takes. Experienced professionals can make a reasonable estimate of the time frame needed after getting to know your child. But, for the parent to put any kind of arbitrary time limit in advance of placement encourages the child to simply wait for the ending date without making any change. It also sets up the parent to withdraw their child when an arbitrary date is reached rather than when the needed changes have occurred. Such action reflects that the parent is thinking of their child as if he/she is a possession with a maintenance plan, rather than an individual with evolving needs. Intervening with a struggling teen is nothing like fixing a carburetor.
6.) We are looking for a military school or a boot camp. Both the military and struggling teens have changed over the last generation. The military, and military schools are more selective than they used to be; now they do not take young people with anything more than minor behavior problems. Boot camps do work with more serious behaviors, but are based on a philosophy of changing behavior through punishment. For punishment to be effective, a child must have a grasp of cause and effect, and how consequences work. For the most part the current generation of children who are in Emotional Growth schools and programs have not grasped the concept of cause and effect and dont understand how consequences work. Punishment backfires with these children since they dont realize their behavior had anything to do with the punishment, and are likely to assume the adult doesnt like them. They are more likely to learn positive attitudes from firm, consistent and appropriate consequences than they are to learn from punishment by a boot camp drill sergeant.
7.) We can trust what professionals tell us. Every professional is human and has his/her own frame of reference. There is an old saying to the effect that If you only have a hammer, soon everything will look like a nail. A child psychiatrist will tend to assume therapy and medication is necessary, an Emotional Growth or Therapeutic school Admissions Director will tend to assume the child needs to be enrolled, and a therapist will tend to think their own brand of therapy is what is required. This is not to impugn the motives of these professionals, just a cautionary reminder that they are human; objectivity is an ideal that is very difficult for humans to achieve. Any professional recommendation should be evaluated in context of the recognition that a professionals personal philosophy and obligations ought to be mediated by the real experts knowledge, that is: the childs parents.
8.) We dont need to tell the school/professional everything our child has done. Parents sometimes dont tell professionals some of the worse things their child has done. This is usually an attempt to increase the chances of their child being accepted by a particular school or program. This sometimes gets the child enrolled, but it also increases the chances that enrollment will become a disaster when the school or program is faced with some behavior or pathology for which they are not prepared.
9.) We will save some money by finding a school or program by ourselves without the help of an educational consultant. This can be a false economy. A placement that falls apart can be very expensive to parents, both financially and emotionally. Anything that reduces the odds of a placement failure can save a lot of money and trauma. Parents are free to represent their own interests without calling on a trained and experienced professional in a variety of settings, for example, representing themselves in Court, facing an IRS tax audit, or enrolling their child in an Emotional Growth school or program. However in each situation, the knowledge, reputation and experience of an appropriate professional can be invaluable. When parents are contemplating enrolling their child in a residential program, a qualified and experienced independent educational consultant can help them clarify their needs, and share a wide knowledge of many different programs with the parent. As a result of the educational consultants long working relationship with schools and programs, he or she is in a good position to advocate to them on behalf of the child and parents. An Educational Consultant can: help the parent avoid common mistakes covered in this article, warn parents if a quality school is having temporary problems that might negatively affect the chances of a successful enrollment at that time, and be a sympathetic and knowledgeable third party sounding board for the parents thoughts and concerns. If after the placement, a childs behaviors create a crisis, the consultant is in a position to encourage the school to not give up too easily on his/her client, and can advise the parents how to appropriately respond to a childs manipulations. The consultant can also be on immediate call if the placement goes bad and another placement is needed. If any of these situations develop, the timely advice of a knowledgeable and experienced Educational Consultant can help parents avoid wasting both time and money. There is a wide variation in the fees charged by competent and experienced educational consultants ranging from those who charge an hourly fee to those that work only on an annual contract basis. It pays to shop around; dont assume that all Educational Consultants charge the same fee as the first one you call, nor should you assume that all Educational Consultants are equally appropriate for your individual situation.
10.) We dont need to get the other parent involved. A child needs the best possible relationship with both parents. When one parent attempts to cut the other parent out of the placement loop, not only does this deny the child needs, but also gives the ignored parent the motive to sabotage the placement, and gives the child ammunition to manipulate both parents. What frequently happens when both parents dont agree on a placement is that a battle is set up between the parents, with the child and the school caught in the middle. When this battle develops, it is very difficult and often impossible for the school to help the child. With very few exceptions, a placement can be successful only when both parents agree and support the placement; or at least each parent needs to commit to not undermine the placement.
In all residential placement considerations, the needs of the child should be the top priority, with the desire on behalf of the parents to develop a better relationship with their child an almost equal priority. Other considerations, though sometimes very important, should be treated as secondary. Whether the parents focusing is on convenience, finances, the childs destructive behavior, or relying on only one persons advice, the commonality of the mistakes in this list is that the needs of the child are secondary rather than primary. Placing anything other than the childs needs at the top of the list of priorities increases the chances of a placement disaster or an ineffective experience for your child.
Copyright © 2000, Woodbury Reports, Inc. (This article may be reproduced without prior approval if the copyright notice and proper publication and author attribution accompanies the copy.)
It has been brought to my attention that your post contains copyrighted material that was written by Lon Woodbury in 2000. Your decision to use the original authors words as your own rather than attributing the work to the author is a blatant copyright violation. Your account has been locked.
The author of the article has graciously consented to allow it to be reprinted here:
http://www.strugglingteens.com/archives/2000/12/oe02.html
TEN COMMON MISTAKES PARENTS MAKE
When Choosing Residential Placements
By Lon Woodbury
In the past twenty years there has been a major change in residential programs for self-destructive and struggling teens. In the past virtually every residential intervention available was funded and controlled by governmental agencies, including decisions as to who would be enrolled. What has changed is that we now have a rapidly growing network of private residential schools and programs focused on allowing parents more choices. Usually this involves parents paying the tuition, or at least making arrangements for payment through their insurance policy or other resources.
This is having the effect of empowering parents, giving them many more effective resources to which to turn when their struggling child is making self-destructive decisions. These new options enable parents to intervene before a tragedy develops. With that new ability and responsibility, comes the opportunity for parents to make their own mistakes.
Listed below are ten of the most common mistakes I have seen parents make during my sixteen years working with parents of struggling teens. I present this with the hope that parents who are beginning to search for residential schools and programs will rethink their initial assumptions to avoid self-defeating choices.
1.) We want a place close to home. Just as the needs of struggling teens vary widely, so do the strengths and weaknesses of residential schools and programs. Restricting ones search to a limited geographical area increases the chances of excluding the most appropriate places that have the best chances for being successful with your child. In effect, this is settling for second best, which increases the chances of a placement not working.
2.) We want something affordable. The most expensive residential school or program is the one that doesnt work. A quality school or program that has the structure to keep on top of manipulative and contrary teens and still be effective in changing attitudes is going to be expensive, whether the parent or the taxpayers pay the bill. Most low cost schools or programs are inexpensive because they are undercapitalized, cut corners financially, have a poorly thought out program, hire too few people and or hire minimum wage staff. It is very risky to entrust your child to one of these places. An exception to this is the quality school or program, usually Christian oriented, that has a large endowment or a successful fund raising program, or is able to attract good staff because they consider themselves on a mission. But these occasional quality schools and programs tend to screen out the more resistant child, and usually are not prepared for a highly manipulative and resistant and/or angry teen. Most parents that enroll a child in a quality Emotional Growth or Therapeutic school or program do so by making the personal sacrifice of dipping into the assets they have accumulated over the years or do as I did, take out a substantial loan or second mortgage.
3.) We want our teen fixed. The teen might have a problem, but the teen is not necessarily THE problem. Blaming the child is an unfair oversimplification. Sometimes the teen just needs to learn the basic lessons and attitudes necessary for growing up, which is the focus of an Emotional Growth school. Or, perhaps the teen has some kind of pathology that is more appropriately the focus of a treatment center. In either case, family relationships are an integral part of both the problem and the solution. Selecting a school or a program that is only concerned with what the child is doing while ignoring the family, is not addressing the whole problem and is less likely to provide a satisfying solution.
4.) That school helped our friends child. A friends suggestion is only good for obtaining ideas about successful places to check out. Odds are that the needs of your child are considerably different than the needs of your friends child, even if the behavior is similar. There is no one best place for struggling teens; some are simply more appropriate for your child than others. In any case, parents should not make an enrollment decision without thoroughly checking out at least three separate quality schools or programs to make sure they are not just selecting the first place that sounds feasible.
5.) A six month placement should do it. Turning a childs thinking around, or providing treatment for a child, takes as long as it takes. Experienced professionals can make a reasonable estimate of the time frame needed after getting to know your child. But, for the parent to put any kind of arbitrary time limit in advance of placement encourages the child to simply wait for the ending date without making any change. It also sets up the parent to withdraw their child when an arbitrary date is reached rather than when the needed changes have occurred. Such action reflects that the parent is thinking of their child as if he/she is a possession with a maintenance plan, rather than an individual with evolving needs. Intervening with a struggling teen is nothing like fixing a carburetor.
6.) We are looking for a military school or a boot camp. Both the military and struggling teens have changed over the last generation. The military, and military schools are more selective than they used to be; now they do not take young people with anything more than minor behavior problems. Boot camps do work with more serious behaviors, but are based on a philosophy of changing behavior through punishment. For punishment to be effective, a child must have a grasp of cause and effect, and how consequences work. For the most part the current generation of children who are in Emotional Growth schools and programs have not grasped the concept of cause and effect and dont understand how consequences work. Punishment backfires with these children since they dont realize their behavior had anything to do with the punishment, and are likely to assume the adult doesnt like them. They are more likely to learn positive attitudes from firm, consistent and appropriate consequences than they are to learn from punishment by a boot camp drill sergeant.
7.) We can trust what professionals tell us. Every professional is human and has his/her own frame of reference. There is an old saying to the effect that If you only have a hammer, soon everything will look like a nail. A child psychiatrist will tend to assume therapy and medication is necessary, an Emotional Growth or Therapeutic school Admissions Director will tend to assume the child needs to be enrolled, and a therapist will tend to think their own brand of therapy is what is required. This is not to impugn the motives of these professionals, just a cautionary reminder that they are human; objectivity is an ideal that is very difficult for humans to achieve. Any professional recommendation should be evaluated in context of the recognition that a professionals personal philosophy and obligations ought to be mediated by the real experts knowledge, that is: the childs parents.
8.) We dont need to tell the school/professional everything our child has done. Parents sometimes dont tell professionals some of the worse things their child has done. This is usually an attempt to increase the chances of their child being accepted by a particular school or program. This sometimes gets the child enrolled, but it also increases the chances that enrollment will become a disaster when the school or program is faced with some behavior or pathology for which they are not prepared.
9.) We will save some money by finding a school or program by ourselves without the help of an educational consultant. This can be a false economy. A placement that falls apart can be very expensive to parents, both financially and emotionally. Anything that reduces the odds of a placement failure can save a lot of money and trauma. Parents are free to represent their own interests without calling on a trained and experienced professional in a variety of settings, for example, representing themselves in Court, facing an IRS tax audit, or enrolling their child in an Emotional Growth school or program. However in each situation, the knowledge, reputation and experience of an appropriate professional can be invaluable. When parents are contemplating enrolling their child in a residential program, a qualified and experienced independent educational consultant can help them clarify their needs, and share a wide knowledge of many different programs with the parent. As a result of the educational consultants long working relationship with schools and programs, he or she is in a good position to advocate to them on behalf of the child and parents. An Educational Consultant can: help the parent avoid common mistakes covered in this article, warn parents if a quality school is having temporary problems that might negatively affect the chances of a successful enrollment at that time, and be a sympathetic and knowledgeable third party sounding board for the parents thoughts and concerns. If after the placement, a childs behaviors create a crisis, the consultant is in a position to encourage the school to not give up too easily on his/her client, and can advise the parents how to appropriately respond to a childs manipulations. The consultant can also be on immediate call if the placement goes bad and another placement is needed. If any of these situations develop, the timely advice of a knowledgeable and experienced Educational Consultant can help parents avoid wasting both time and money. There is a wide variation in the fees charged by competent and experienced educational consultants ranging from those who charge an hourly fee to those that work only on an annual contract basis. It pays to shop around; dont assume that all Educational Consultants charge the same fee as the first one you call, nor should you assume that all Educational Consultants are equally appropriate for your individual situation.
10.) We dont need to get the other parent involved. A child needs the best possible relationship with both parents. When one parent attempts to cut the other parent out of the placement loop, not only does this deny the child needs, but also gives the ignored parent the motive to sabotage the placement, and gives the child ammunition to manipulate both parents. What frequently happens when both parents dont agree on a placement is that a battle is set up between the parents, with the child and the school caught in the middle. When this battle develops, it is very difficult and often impossible for the school to help the child. With very few exceptions, a placement can be successful only when both parents agree and support the placement; or at least each parent needs to commit to not undermine the placement.
In all residential placement considerations, the needs of the child should be the top priority, with the desire on behalf of the parents to develop a better relationship with their child an almost equal priority. Other considerations, though sometimes very important, should be treated as secondary. Whether the parents focusing is on convenience, finances, the childs destructive behavior, or relying on only one persons advice, the commonality of the mistakes in this list is that the needs of the child are secondary rather than primary. Placing anything other than the childs needs at the top of the list of priorities increases the chances of a placement disaster or an ineffective experience for your child.
Copyright © 2000, Woodbury Reports, Inc. (This article may be reproduced without prior approval if the copyright notice and proper publication and author attribution accompanies the copy.)
F
flutterbee
Guest
With this new information, can Dore just be blocked from the site?
R
runawaybunny
Guest
Yes mam, she's been locked out.
I, for one, have stayed out of this particular controversy but I am glad Dore is locked out. It is VERY important to pick an Easy Child who is ethical, impartial, and not tied to any program.
I did not use an Easy Child, but I am a professional (not an Easy Child!!!) in the field who had lots of contacts and used Lon's excellent book which accepts no advertising and is a trustworthy source.
Penta and I had kids in similar programs at about the same time....the programs' philosophy was similar, and both our darling children "sat it out" for about 6 months before anything worth mentioning happened.
For most families, a private pay Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or EGBS is a HUGE financial risk....because not too many people can afford to "do it twice" if the first one does not work. It is such a large financial commitment that it often limits any additional of private Tx if there is no improvement. For this reason, I think most parents are well-served by using a good Easy Child, and we were the only family in our son's program not to use one. They got over it, but it did make us unusual.
I rolled the dice, held my breath, and it worked for my son, who is now 20 --just a bit older than Penta's girl-- and he has had no significant problems since he returned from EGBS at 15.5. However, he remains "different" and it is important to remember, I think, that Penta appreciates a "strong personality," and I deal with a lot of "artistic temperament" and moodiness. To me, the success is in what Fran described as something like, "not a magic cure, but a chance to live a life..." Fran has a way with words and conveyed that idea better than I quoted, but what I am trying to say is good residential Tx can turn the child's life totally around, but if you send a 'different' child, you will get a 'different' child back, but hopefully one who makes less self-destructive choices and who has a plan for living a happy life.
P.S. WHERE the placement is should NOT be a consideration in my opinion.... "runners" need to be out in the sticks, but otherwise, it is much more important to get a GOOD program rather than a CLOSE program. We are in Chicago and the EGBS was in MA---it was OK, not an issue, really, and the program had kids from all over the country.
Best to you all,
Martie
I did not use an Easy Child, but I am a professional (not an Easy Child!!!) in the field who had lots of contacts and used Lon's excellent book which accepts no advertising and is a trustworthy source.
Penta and I had kids in similar programs at about the same time....the programs' philosophy was similar, and both our darling children "sat it out" for about 6 months before anything worth mentioning happened.
For most families, a private pay Residential Treatment Center (RTC) or EGBS is a HUGE financial risk....because not too many people can afford to "do it twice" if the first one does not work. It is such a large financial commitment that it often limits any additional of private Tx if there is no improvement. For this reason, I think most parents are well-served by using a good Easy Child, and we were the only family in our son's program not to use one. They got over it, but it did make us unusual.
I rolled the dice, held my breath, and it worked for my son, who is now 20 --just a bit older than Penta's girl-- and he has had no significant problems since he returned from EGBS at 15.5. However, he remains "different" and it is important to remember, I think, that Penta appreciates a "strong personality," and I deal with a lot of "artistic temperament" and moodiness. To me, the success is in what Fran described as something like, "not a magic cure, but a chance to live a life..." Fran has a way with words and conveyed that idea better than I quoted, but what I am trying to say is good residential Tx can turn the child's life totally around, but if you send a 'different' child, you will get a 'different' child back, but hopefully one who makes less self-destructive choices and who has a plan for living a happy life.
P.S. WHERE the placement is should NOT be a consideration in my opinion.... "runners" need to be out in the sticks, but otherwise, it is much more important to get a GOOD program rather than a CLOSE program. We are in Chicago and the EGBS was in MA---it was OK, not an issue, really, and the program had kids from all over the country.
Best to you all,
Martie
LitlPixy
New Member
Well it's a new year.... I hope all went well for everyone over Christmas break. Ours was quiet, so that was a blessing (I think).
Thanks everyone for all of the information that has been shared. I think I've been going through a sort of a deeper depression (even though I am on Cymbalta now) with all that's going on. Denial, indecision, misguided hope, wishful thinking, deep sadness, guilt (what could I have done differently when she was younger), blah, blah, blah. I'm sure most of you have been there. I'm still struggling to pull out of this.
onmyknees - I'm so glad you are enjoying the site. It does help, doesn't it?
goldenguru - yes, please PM me with that information. My daughter's struggles are changing. She's not as combative as she was before, nor argumentative. She's actually been more cooperative and loving. Is this a genuine? I don't know. She's still doing poorly at school. She's still lying up a storm. Who knows what the truth is anymore?
Thanks everyone for all of the information that has been shared. I think I've been going through a sort of a deeper depression (even though I am on Cymbalta now) with all that's going on. Denial, indecision, misguided hope, wishful thinking, deep sadness, guilt (what could I have done differently when she was younger), blah, blah, blah. I'm sure most of you have been there. I'm still struggling to pull out of this.
onmyknees - I'm so glad you are enjoying the site. It does help, doesn't it?
goldenguru - yes, please PM me with that information. My daughter's struggles are changing. She's not as combative as she was before, nor argumentative. She's actually been more cooperative and loving. Is this a genuine? I don't know. She's still doing poorly at school. She's still lying up a storm. Who knows what the truth is anymore?
