therapist appointment.

[Kjs]

I placed a call to therapist yesterday, he wasn't in. difficult child's appointment. was today. after refusing to go to class on Friday, and being kicked out of class withing the first 10 minutes, I called therapist again today. He said difficult child told him one week that he hates me. Can't stand living with me and everything is about how much he hates me. Then last week it was all about school. I informed therapist of what has been going on, difficult child's talk about his hearing, and feeling overwhelmed. therapist suggested day hospital program because something is obviously going on.
School was doing nothing at one point, then I stepped in and now they are trying to accomadate him although he is currently being tested by school therapist, and SW. I told husband that I am not longer going to be the one laying out the rules. So do NOT tell difficult child to "ask mom" when he wants something. When I get a call from school I will leave husband a message and he will have to call school to get details (on his break). Each time I speak to school either difficult child won't talk to me or refuses any request I make of him. husband calls and he then does what he is told. I don't know if it is just because it is husband or if it is because by the time husband has his break and can call, difficult child has had time to settle down. I get the call as soon as he is removed.
Told therapist that we are not in a financial situation to enter him into a day hospital program. he see's psychiatrist on Friday, and will talk to him about all that is going on.
I cried all day, couldn't sleep again thinking of how bad it hurts that difficult child told therapist how much he hates me. Even when they came home, I did not come out of my room until difficult child was in bed. When I did get up, husband said not one single word to me. So, i do not know how therapist appointment. went, what rules he laid down..if any or how difficult child's day went after husband called school. I always said i would never give up on him, I would always believe in him, and I would always be there for him. I do not think I can do that anylonger. Everything I have done has just feels like it has been a waste. I am exhausted and nothing to show for it. I quit.

 

[Marguerite]

Never take on board what ANY kid says like this, especially if the kid has a diagnosis of bipolar. You HAVE to learn to ignore it, to detach. otherwise you eat yourself up inside, and for what?

You clearly love your son. You feel that he does not love you back the same amount - first, don't believe it. Second, he doesn't have to, so don't expect it. If you lower your emotional expectations you are going to be less vulnerable.

Kids say things like "I hate you" the more, when they know they can get to you that way. Even TTs do it. I get it from difficult child 3 a lot - for a kid who had the obvious language delays that he had, he's VERY good at using language to wound, or to manipulate. You just have to be better, in turn, at not buying into it. DON'T et him set the mood for the relationship; don't own anything he dumps on you. Otherwise HE is in the driver's seat, not you (or husband, assuming he ever gets off the couch).

I make a point of openly not owning any "hate" talk from the kids. I remember one night we were fighting over homework and difficult child 3 was screaming, "I hate you," and I replied with what had become my standard reply: "That's a shame, because I happen to love you very much. It's your behaviour that I'm not too fond of." I stated it calmly and then walked out of the room to give him time to think about it and not be able to answer back.
Next morning as I dropped him off at school he said, "I'm sorry I was mean to you last night, I don't hate you, really."
I replied, "Then it really was a silly thing to say, wasn't it?" and explained gently that while I understood, a lot of people would still be hurt by such things and that words once said are very hard to take back. We finished with a hug before school and of course, it wasn't the last time it happened.
Just last night I was talking to difficult child 3 about finishing up a section of schoolwork and he really didn't want to talk about it, or think about having to work the next day. "You really don't care about how I feel, do you?" he said.
Once again, I didn't own it. I didn't get angry, because he was expressing his feelings honestly and that is legitimate; I just wasn't going to accept it. So I answered, "You know that I do care, really. I know you know that. And it's because I care that I want you to keep working well and stay on task. By getting back to this work and completing it quickly, it will take you less effort and less time because it's still fresh in your head. Remember, while you're working on this I'm there beside you, supporting you through it. I'm not getting my stuff done either, because I put it aside to help you. The sooner you finish, the sooner I can get on with what I want to do."

We talk about things rather than me laying down the law. He is of an age where he needs to learn to make his own decisions, with guidance. He will argue, negotiate and try to weasel out of responsibilities, until HE can be shown that HE has made the decision to be responsible. I do think that a lot of the argument is just him, trying to analyse the boundaries and explore the scope of what has to be done. Once he's got it worked out, he works well. Sometimes he flips back into, "I really don't want to do this," but I remind him that he agreed to, and try to show him some reward component somewhere, even if it's "When you've finished, I'll make a milkshake for us both as a reward."

Good luck in getting husband to pick up the slack. You may be right in the delay factor for husband getting a better response than your immediacy. Also, difficult child is used to you always being there - familiarity breeds contempt. So if husband is getting better results, letting husband handle things is a darn good idea. Just make sure you follow through and don't keep stepping in. But DO ask husband how things went, don't suddenly turn into a carbon copy of how he's been. Show husband by YOUR example, what sort of support you've always wanted. Ask him how it's going, ask him how he feels, encourage him to talk to you about things. It is not only good for your relationship, it's good for consistency with difficult child and, most important of all, if/when husband drops his bundle and hands responsibility back to you, you will already be fully briefed! (Using having to flounder as one more reason to be angry with husband & difficult child for dumping you back into the salt mines is NOT healthy for any of you).

Marg

 

[flutterbee]

Ditto what Marg said.

When easy child was depressed he would very coldly say to me, "You know how much you say you love me? Well, that's how much I hate you." I would just respond with something along the lines of, that's ok...I still love you. It hurts, though. This morning he wanted to go live with is dad just to "get away from" me. This morning's behavior was pure typical teen. He vacuumed and did dishes later which means he was feeling guilty. There's no way he wants to go live with his dad. Of course, he only wanted to go live there after I told him that he couldn't go live with nana.

difficult child told me tonight that she hates me. That was after her, "Why do you hate me?" didn't work. She goes back and forth on which one she uses. I just ignore her comments completely. I know when she says it, she's beyond the point of talking/reasoning and just need to let her cool off.

I've figured that most of the time they're just expressing frustration and helplessness the best way they know how. They're experiencing all of these intense emotions without the life experience that you and I have to deal with them. With the difficult child's, they have the added level of illness.

Practice detachment. It's hard, I know. But when you are able to see the words as a symptom of something bigger, it gets easier.

You really seem to be struggling with the weight of all this lately. I think it's really important you find something for you. Whether it's a few minutes a day to yourself with a book or on a walk or taking a class or joining a book club or something else that intrigues you. It can be very easy for us mom's to define ourselves through our children. But it's very important that we have something that defines us as a woman apart from motherhood.

Hugs to you.

 

[Kjs]

The fact that difficult child tells everyone else how much he hates me is what really hurts. What do they think I am doing? I cannot respond to him if he is not saying it to me. I cannot tell him therapist told me this because he will not trust him. He does tell school the same.
Wouldn't matter anyway if he said it to me, same with other issues. Responding in any way would just set him of to say, "i don't care" "I don't want your help" "leave me alone"
so, if I try to do homework with him (because I want to be a part of his life, join in, help him when he is frustrated) but he always makes a point to tell me in some hurtful way to go away. So..I do. I go for a walk, or a ride. but I really do not have any friends anymore, and I really am just so tired, by the time any activity would start, I couldn't make it. You have to remember I work midnight to noon. 45 minute commute. It is only 3/4 days a week, but seems as if the other days I am catching up on house issues, and sleep. I wish I had somewhere to go. Someone to talk to. But I don't. So, maybe when it gets warmer I will just spend time walking with the dogs.

 

[flutterbee]

I think you're doing the right thing in handing over the reins to husband. If he is telling everyone this and you are always the one handling the discipline, it's time for husband to step in and give you a break and also a chance to let difficult child not always view you as the "bad guy". Not that you are the bad guy because you're not. But from your prior posts it sounds like you are the one enforcing the rules and dealing with the school issues and husband gets to be the friend. In addition, you are tired and just completely wiped out and you just need a break.

When easy child was so hateful towards me, I just always repeated in my head the saying, "You always hurt the ones you love." Seems silly, but it helped some.

I think walking the dogs is an excellent idea. A dogs devotion is unconditional. It's very therapeutic.

 

[smallworld]

Kjs, I hope I'm not offending you, but this situation isn't about you. It is about a 12-year-old boy who has a disorder that in my humble opinion has not been fully evaluated and treated. His words and actions are emanating from that disorder. The only way things are going to get better is if: 1) he has private testing that fully explores all congnitive and psychological strengths and weaknesses; 2) he gets on a good combo of medications; and 3) he has intensitve therapeutic interventions. I know because I have lived this scenario with my own son, who sounds a lot like your son (academically gifted but doesn't engage in the learning process). The only way we've been able to make any progress at all is by following the steps above.

In terms of homework, my husband now handles that chore with our son. The honeymoon has ended, and husband now gets to see difficult child 1's full oppositionality. It's actaully a relief to know that it's not me and it's not husband -- it's our son, who has a very hard time dealing with anything related to school (and yes, he's hated school since K, too).

I've found myself having to totally reevaluate my expections about how things have to be. I don't stress about difficult child 1 doing well in school any longer just because I know he has the potential. We've had to find ways to meet and work with him where he is because he's just never going to be a neuroptypical kid. Even though things aren't perfect, we're all a lot happier than when difficult child 1 was 11 and 12 and these issues were really heating up.

Is there any way insurance would pay for the day hospital program (our insurance did in our easy child's case last summer). It might really help you all make progress if your difficult child is in that type of setting.

Hang in there.

 

[BusynMember]

I agree with smallmom. I *had* the bipolar, and said things I didn't mean. "I hate you" meant "I hate everyone, myself, my life, my moods, etc." But I was so unhappy I had to take it out on somebody. I agree he needs an intensive evaluation with more than a SD and social worker. I'd go to a neuropsychologist...and keep not giving up on him. You're a good mom, and he's hurting you, but, trust me, he is hurting himself even more.The kid is in pain. Hugs!

 

[timer lady]

kjs,

I agree that it's time to back away. Not only is your difficult child a difficult child, he's also in the midst of raging hormones. Boys of this age, easy child or difficult child, can be truly obnoxious. This doesn't excuse it - just an explanation.

Let husband handle this. I will say this - when wm was at his very worst toward me, my husband stepped in & informed wm that neither he nor kt would be allowed to treat his wife in that manner.

That statement made an immediate impact on wm. husband pointed out to wm that he never witnessed that type of disrespect from him (husband) toward me. It's simply not going to be allowed.

wm, of course, had to test that statement. He's slowly learning that the choices he's made have made a huge impact on his living situation (group home).

I know that a big part of this is his illness/disorder; having said that, he has to learn to navigate in this world despite his disorders.

Sending you positive thoughts for a better day. Get thyself into regular counseling.